Your Life Is Closer To Over: The Week That Was. by Brian Phillips

Our editor Colin Gawel has been on me, and with good reason. I haven't written a damned thing in weeks. We've given up on my finishing the baseball preview. I got through the American League in March, and started the NL. Now we're a month into the season, and it seems pointless now. To get on the record regarding the senior circuit I'll go with Atlanta, Cincinnati, and San Francisco with the Nationals and Cardinals nabbing the wild cards. Atlanta and Detroit in the series. Detroit wins it all. The Marlins will lose 115 games. 

Anyway the idea Colin had over the weekend was for me to draw from my Facebook feed and come up with a digest of the week that was. And why not, though I should warn you that we'll cover everything from interest rate swap rigging to a Wal Mart employee turning tricks in the can during work hours. I'll leave it to you to decide which is worse, though your answer no doubt tells us a lot about you.​

​Sports

​What a run by the Columbus Blue Jackets! The CBJ came up a tie-breaker shy of qualifying for the playoffs for only the second time in franchise history Saturday. The CBJ completed a furious 8-2 finish with Saturday's 3-1 win over Nashville at Nationwide Arena. I was there. The atmosphere was electric. Now the Jackets move to the Eastern Conference with it's somewhat softer competition, and many fewer trips out of the Eastern time zone. Behind goaltender Sergei Bobrovsky the Jackets will make some racket next season. Just to cause trouble check this out. Were the Jackets robbed? Most likely. 

Meanwhile up I-71 The Columbus Crew shook off a disappointing performance in Chicago to rip DC United 3-0. I think we'll see a lot more of Jairo Arrieta and newcomer Dominic Orduro running up top together. Unfortunately you'll see none of their fine work on Sport Center. You will however see the Crew Stadium scoreboard on fire. ​

​It appears the blaze started in the scoreboard's speaker system and should be a pretty easy fix. 

The NFL Draft concluded Saturday. My criticisms of Seattle's picks last year only proved my ignorance. I'll leave the punditry to the McShay's and Kuiper's of the world. I will only say that the Bills probably got a steal in undrafted wide receiver Da'Rick Rogers out of Tennessee Tech. Rogers was on his way to a stellar career at Tennessee when he got himself into a bit of drug trouble. For more on the value of so called "weed guy" players see Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi's hilarious third annual "The NFL Draft Decoded." 

News

​George Jones died at the age of 81 Friday. "No Show Jones" lived a hard life, and yet made it to 81 and toured almost to the end, proving once more that booze, cocaine, pills, a fully fueled riding lawnmower, and access to firearms are the key to a long life. For a jaw dropping read, seek out Jones' 1997 autobiography "I Lived To Tell It All." I cannot do it justice here. (Yes, they duct taped him to a mic stand once so he could stand up and perform. Yes, he did leave his Cadillac running, doors open, on the sidewalk in front of the Nashville airport.)

Prediction: The Boston Bombings are about to become an embarrassment for our Homeland Security establishment. ​This idea that older brother had aroused attention up to two years ago raises many questions. Most of those questions will be answered no doubt by subjecting you and I to more cavity searches and x-rays. Yay! 

On a side note, I read that the older brother was influenced by Alex Jones and his Infowars site. Jones took 3.9 seconds after the bombings to Tweet that they were an inside job. To help focus your thinking on the more fringe aspects of the story, I present this helpful chart. 

This may have slipped by you with everything else going on last week. The Steubenville School Board extended a giant middle finger to the rest of America by quietly renewing the contract of head football coach Reno Saccoccia for another two years for something called "Director Of Administrative Services." This gig has nothing to do with his head coaching job and probably doesn't have much to do with anything at else either. Take heart though, by the end of last week the Attorney General's office was executing search warrants at ol Steubenville High. Coach Reno will have to answer for what he did and didn't do yet. 

Late last week Matt Taibbi (yes the same guy who wrote the NFL piece above) published on Rolling Stone.com his latest on more unimaginable corruption, this time the investigation into the manipulation of interest rate swaps. As arcane as this material can be, Taibbi has a real gift for making it understandable. Read it as I do; with the knowledge that nothing will be done. Our economy and government has been captured by what is essentially organized crime, and it costs everyone more so these few can take a healthy skim from everything. 

Remember the Mississippi Elvis Impersonator arrested on suspicion of sending ricin tainted letters to the White House and Senate? Well you know what the King said about Suspicious Minds. Just today another man, who had perhaps had some sort of feud with the fake Elvis, has been arrested. ​In 2007 James Everett Dutschke lost a Mississippi State Senate election. One of the folks who received one of his ricin direct mail pieces was allegedly the mother of the man who beat him. I'll be following this one because I love weird shit.

I almost hesitate to post this as we've had so many false leads in this story over the decades. Authorities are investigating whether remains found in the wall of a Cleveland bar may be those of long missing Teamster head Jimmy Hoffa. The previous owner found some years ago, and police curiously told him to throw them out. Hey that was the 70's and if you remember that decade people were throwing out body parts all the time. ​

And Finally Tonight

​You won't find this offer in your Sunday circular. An upstate New York Wal Mart associate has been charged with prostitution. Police say the 22 year old was turning tricks in the mens room during work hours. Foster Bills advertised his services on Craigslist. 

Scrubber Girls, Undermined Valets and Likeable Lords: The World of 'Downton Abbey'

Downton Abbey is one of those shows that people are really proud of watching, like the way people tell you that they heard something on NPR as opposed to just having heard it on the radio or the news. NPR equals Smart. Usually folks tell you what they heard on NPR like it’s a story about their own smartness. 

“Saturday I was listening to NPR while I made my own organic suet for the local woodpeckers? Because they're endangered? And I heard XYZ.”

There even used to be bumper stickers for NPR that read “Get out of your car smarter than when you got in!” That’s Downton Abbey, it’s like a fucking intellectual gang sign. You down with the D. A.? You know it, dawg. (Not really, don't really say that)

The first thing I learned about the show is that a fun thing to do is find people who love it, and then talk to them eagerly about it but call it Downtown Abbey. ​Blithely dismiss their corrections, wear a smugly bemused smile, and just confidently keep at it til they snap. Good times.

Now. It turns out that listening to NPR may have failed to make me smart. I simply could not pay attention to Downton Abbey the first several runs I made at it.

It’s dry. Leftover pork chop with no gravy dry. You turn it on and it’s playing NPR music at you and showing you a roughly Sherlock Holmes-era setting but without murder or Sherlock Holmes. No dragons, no explosions, no heists — why isn’t this thing a book sitting around in a library someplace?

​Even the Masterpiece Theater logo at the beginning seems proud of it. What you're about to watch will be like watching a book!

Instead it’s just showing me what all these people do. And fairly quickly, they fall into two categories, those who scrub and those who sit around eating fine food in freshly scrubbed rooms. You really get a sense of how many metric assloads of scrubbing would have to get done by how many people, back in the Pre Vacuum Cleaner Era.

But you can tell the show is smart as shit so you don’t want to fast forward through the eating and scrubbing because maybe they reveal something important and smart.

Eventually I used the Clockwork Orange Method, and my overall impression was like in The Dark Knight Rises when Catwoman blarneyed with alarming ease past Alfred to go try and steal something from Bruce Wayne, and you realize that cane’s real, Bruce Wayne is so out of shape he needs a cane, and you’re thinking, My God, this is going to be a long-ass movie.

Except here it’s not Oh Crap I Have To Watch Him Retrain To Be Batman Again; it’s just the sheer number of characters prancing around, and how many of them talk. Do I have to learn all of their names? Do they all have to speak Hobbit?

But I’m getting the hang of it now. The whole opening scene is more than just Who Scrubs and Who Gets To Eat. Instead, it follows the delivery of a telegram containing news that the Titanic sank. 

The telegram takes a Billy-From-Family-Circus-style journey all across the grounds from the telegraph office through the manor all the way to Lord Grantham, who is basically King Shit. And even though he has the same title as a certain Dark Side Jedi, Lord Grantham is an all right guy.

Like when they tell him the Titanic went down, and they reassure him that they got most of the ladies off of it first, it occurs to him that there were hundreds of poor people below deck and that they weren’t included in the term “ladies,” even if they were ladies. So okay, you don’t need to have a doctorate to get that message – We Like Lord Grantham. Got it.

But I doubt he’s the good guy, because he’s the Lord. You can’t say, “I’m pulling for the Lord of the Manor,” because what are you pulling for? That he’ll become a God King? I’m not seeing much of a journey ahead of him.

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And yes, here’s the answer: Bates. He’s a grizzled, limping, well-spoken fellow who has just been hired as the new valet — a pretty sweet gig in the scrubber world, it seems — even though his leg is injured from the war. Turns out not much has changed — even a hundred years ago, people don’t like it when you get hired above them.

Suddenly we're in Mean Girls without Lindsay Lohan. Thomas the footman wanted to be the valet, it turns out. He's bad news, you can tell by looking at him. He's going to be trouble. If anyone gets murdered anytime soon, my money's on this guy.

So you know how when your boss promotes Rachel instead of you because he and Rachel are having a secret affair, and you start sneakily undermining Rachel's job performance? Passive-aggressively not sending her emails to keep her abreast of the project you're working on?​ Inviting everyone out to happy hour except her?

That's what Thomas and his fellow Mean Scrubbers start doing to Bates, but instead of fornicating with the boss, Bates is an injured war veteran who served with Lord Grantham, and instead of sneakily undermining him, they knock stuff out of his hands and say "Oh, look what the crippled guy dropped!"​

​Meanwhile, Lord Grantham's daughter, Lady Mary was supposed to get married to her cousin — totally cool back then — but her cousin died on the Titantic and so did his dad. The first thing Lady Mary wants to do is verify that she doesn't have to formally mourn her cousin because they hadn't announced the engagement, freaking us and her dad out at the same time.

​Later on, Lord Grantham and his lawyer walk around dressed like Frosty the Snowman, and agree that they're screwed if Lady Mary doesn't sack up and marry somebody, I'm serious, I have no idea who it's going to be. I'll bet he'll be pretty hot though, cause a lot of ladies like this show.

​Okay, wait, here's a dude they want her to marry, and he looks like Wilson from House and now he says he's leaving even though Lady Mary kind of throws herself at him. Must be some other dude on the way, someone she's not supposed to marry. Oh, and this dude's blackmailing Thomas. Damn, there's a lot of shit going on around here.

Pretty soon Thomas and the Master Butler (not a ninja) just about have Lord Grantham convinced that Bates should be booted off the job. I get a Main Character vibe off of Bates, so they don't fool me. Also, Lord Grantham's too cool to fire his old war buddy. I feel smarter already watching Lord Grantham stand there in the driveway and realize he's too cool to fire his old war buddy, til he basically says it out loud again. Knock it off, Downton Abbey.

​And then a new Lord-ype guy gets a new letter at a new manor, and the episode ends, so I guess I get to learn a bunch of additional people next episode. Good lord, remember when Homer Simpson got that 12-foot sandwich and wouldn't stop eating it until he could fit it in the fridge? That's how I feel right now, having finished this first episode. Kind of nauseated by the extremely heavy meal, but I can't stay mad at the sandwich.

​How can I stay mad at the sandwich?

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Pencilstorm MLB Opening Day Party at the Treebar - Monday, April 1, 4 p.m.

Greetings. Hope you enjoy reading Pencilstorm as much as we enjoy putting it together. We have been running live now for close to a month and are truly humbled at how many people have been checking in on our little endeavor. In addition to providing you with another option to kill time at work or in the car, we also hope to step out of the basement every once and a while and do actual real-life, flesh-and-blood, human-type stuff by hosting events. Or put another way, as much fun as it is to bash Jeff Hassler reviews on Facebook, wouldn't it be so much cooler to tell him in person that Bon Jovi isn't better than the Stones?

​With that thought in mind, between our one-month anniversary and MLB Opening Day, we thought it was time for a celebration. So please join us Monday, April 1, at the legendary Treebar to watch the Cincinnati Reds versus the L.A. Angels. First pitch at 4 p.m. and specials on PBR and Four String Brew the entire game. CD1025 jock/Pencilstorm baseball writer Brain Phillips and myself will be there to judge your fantasy roster. If we approve, we will buy you a beer or at least pass you the peanut bowl.

Haven't you spent enough time staring at a lifeless computer? Why not spend some time staring at cable TV? It's time to step out and talk to actual earthlings. You can do this! Don't be a pussy (talking to you Hassler; It's Opening Day and I'm pretty sure you aren't going to have an Easter hangover), stop by and enjoy some suds with the Pencilstorm crew and watch the Reds win the first of 94 victories on their way to an appearance in the N.L. Championship series. — Colin

​Treebar info here

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Slippery When Awesome: Jeff Hassler Reviews the Bon Jovi Show

I know the other Pencilstorm guys were bummed out that I decided to blow off the Hives show in Cleveland to stay home and see Bon Jovi, but it was a no-brainer. Why drive two hours in a van to some small venue when I can catch one of America's most popular rock acts only 15 minutes from home in a first-class facility like Nationwide Arena? And did I mention Jon Bon Jovi is one of music's all time greatest artists/frontman? He is like a combination of Bruce Springsteen, David Lee Roth and Leonard Cohen with Jack Welch's business sense thrown in. He is the TOTAL package. Like I said, a no-brainer as far as i am concerned, but the guys kept dogging me about missing the Hives. 

One of the reasons I am a successful blogger is that I am willing to be honest. Some say even to a fault. So here goes: Even though we are all good friends, I think the reason Colin (and most of the other guys at Pencilstorm) make fun of Bon Jovi is jealousy. Seriously. For example, what has Watershed ever accomplished? Some spotty airplay on a radio station nobody listens to and a book with the title Hitless Wonder. Bet you can guess the ending of that one. Meanwhile, Bon Jovi has sold millions and millions of records, and somehow they suck? It doesn't take much fancy math to figure those numbers don't add up. I mean, I like some Watershed songs, too, but.... Just sayin'.

​Anyway, I wished the guys well on the ride to Cleveland. Meanwhile, I was stoked to get my rock on here in CBUS.

One of the many things I love about Bon Jovi is the band's professionalism. Jon BonJovi considers himself a CEO, and at exactly 9:15 the lights dimmed and the show was off to a roaring, punctual start. ​Opening with the classic "You Give Love a Bad Name," Jon was working the crowd like a master, with Tico Torres holding down a solid beat behind him. Richie Sambora, who never gets his due, was shredding as usual,  showing why he is part of one of the greatest duos in rock history. I love the Stones, but Jaggar/Richards have nothing on Bon Jovi/Sambora. At the very least, we can call it a draw. Just sayin'.

This is my third Bon Jovi show and unlike other hard rock bands (AC/DC) I have noticed  that they always have clear sound and never play so loud that you cannot carry on a conversation with the person next to you. In fact, most the people in our section were chatting throughout the show, which gives the whole event more of a community feeling, if you ask me. I only went to one Dead show (I was in college; don't remember much; long story!) but I imagine it was the same kind of vibe.

Anyway, in the interest of full disclosure, I was extra happy for the reasonable volume, as I had brought a special friend to the show with me. Actually, this was my first "date" since my divorce from Kim last year. It was nice to be able to give someone the expert perspective without having to scream in her ear.​ 

Earlier in the week, I happened to mention on Match.com that I would be reviewing the Bon Jovi show and she responded saying she would love to ride shotgun. When we arrived at the venue, ​I got the feeling that she was sorta disappointed in our seats. There was also some confusion about whether or not I had mentioned a backstage press pass online. I'm pretty sure I didn't post anything about that. But as a writer, I write lots of things and can't always remember. 

Still, my date seemed to be having a good time, and after a couple big Yuengling Lights I was really getting into the flow of the show. ​After a bunch more rockers — most not from Slippery When Wet, but they did play "Runaway" — they settled into a sexy groove for the classic ballad "I'll Be There For You."  Now maybe it was the beer talking, or the fact that this was the song that Kim and I did our first dance to at our wedding, but I was suddenly feeling nostalgic. What was Kim doing now? Do you think she ever thinks of me when she hears Bon Jovi? THAT is the power of Bon Jovi.

​Then a terrifying thought hit me: What if she is here, right now? With her new boyfriend, Russ? At this point I decided it was probably best to go. Besides, it was getting late and with the show being on a Sunday night, I had to get up for work in the morning anyway. Especially since i just got my old job back and didn't want to screw up again. I told my date and she asked if I would mind If she stayed.  She really wanted to hear "Livin' on a Prayer." I couldn't blame her, it is a classic. One of the guys a couple seats down said he would be happy to give her a lift home if I bought them each a couple more beers. ($18.50 — ouch!). Still, she said it was OK for me to go and she understood about my divorce from Kim and everything and that she would be all right. So I headed home, after a quick stop at Jimmy John's, of course.

Still, at the end of the day, it was a pretty good night. My first date since my divorce from Kim, my first review for Pencilstorm and a kick ass Bon Jovi concert to bring it all together. Thanks for reading this far. — Jeff

Jeff Hassler is recently divorced and writes for Pencilstorm. He can be reached at jeffwonthassleru@gmail.com

Click here for the entire setlist from the show

Ok, Jeff here again. I couldn't sleep for some reason. Decided to post this video in case anybody cared.

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A Review of The Hives show, in Chinese. Suck it, Grantland.

Pencilstorm could be as popular as Grantland if we wanted to. Easy. Truth be told, our writers choose NOT to write for Grantland because they weren't interested in winning some high-stakes, corporate popularity contest. No, sir, here at Pencilstorm we refuse to sell out to the man. That is why we all maintain side jobs and refuse advertising dollars of any kind (at this point). Simply put, we will not compromise our art just to make some easy money. 

Knowing this, you would think the suits at Grantland would be happy with their success and just leave us alone? Instead, they flaunt their popularity by updating their site constantly. OK, guys, we get it, you are "professional writers". Are you so insecure that you take pleasure in running up the score and rubbing it in our face? Classless, but what else would you expect from a company owned by Disney?

To this point we at Pencilstorm have managed to stay professional and not get dragged down into the mudpit for a nasty public ​feud. Still, there comes a time when one must defend oneself. Consider this a shot across the bow, Grantland. Better back off or there is plenty more where this came from (talking to you, Klosterman). Who is so smart now?

A Review of The Hives, Cleveland, OH Sunday March 10th.......In Chinese.​

你好,Malcom,我老对手。

你真的等待着用中文写的Hives评语吗? 哦,多么的自豪,你必须与你的最畅销的书籍和 the high company你保持 in Grantland。Malcom,你可以看到,

我也没有停止写。而且我不只是用英语写,我也开始用中文写。

Malcom, 我现在有您的关注吗?你现在 “Blinking”?是的,我的老朋友,

我现在也回到网上写博客,我觉得我们的竞争走向一个新的“

引爆点”,这一次,我终于找到满意的成果。The Hives......他们他妈的粉碎。他们毕竟是
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​The Hives review by Pencil Storm contributor Chris Stellato, President of Columbus School of Chinese. Look for him in the scene from Cleveland below. He is wearing the green shirt.