Valentine's Day is Like Passing the Football. Three Things Can Happen and Two are Bad by Wal Ozello

Maybe it’s just me, but I think Valentine’s Day sucks for just about everybody. It doesn’t promote love. It promotes disappointment.

Ohio State Football Coach Woody Hayes used to say, “There are three things that can happen when you pass, two of them are bad.” Valentine’s Day is a lot like passing the football. You hope that the receiver is going to catch your well placed perfect pass and you’re going to end up scoring. Chances are you’re going to fumble during the snap.

There’s too much pressure on this holiday - for everyone.

Let’s say you’re single. Your week starts and ends in disappointment. You’ll have to field questions of “What are you doing on Valentine’s Day?”, listen to others talk about what they’re doing on Valentine’s Day, watch your friends get flowers and then actually experience the day/evening alone – thinking everybody else is happier than you. Well I got news for you, us “in a relationship” people are just as miserable.

The “Let’s Make This Night Special” couples are totally screwed. Totally. The guy goes crazy trying to secure reservations to the most expensive restaurant in town, trying to coordinate flower delivery, buy chocolates/jewelry/presents, and then check his plan with his buddies to make sure he’s got all bases covered. The girl goes through at least twelve different clothing outfits to make sure she’s going to look her best, including the bra and panties just in case something happens.  I knew a girl that had 18 different bras to make her boobs look 18 different ways. That’s an immense amount of pressure. There are so many variables to this evening that chances are expectations won’t be met and the evening will end in disaster.

Which brings us to the next group, “Let’s Do Nothing.” This group are big fat liars. Because the week starts off with truces and pacts that they won’t buy anything for the other person but one (or both) will be breaking their agreement. We hear what all our friends and coworkers are doing, the guilt sets in, and we think we need to do something as well to express our love to each other. “Let’s Do Nothing” slowly turns into, “Well, let’s at least go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant,” or “Don’t get me anything but flowers would be nice,” or “I know we promised no gifts but I got you this card.”  Before you know it one person is set back $150 and disappointed that they didn’t get anything in return. Worse yet the other person feels guilty a day or two later because they didn’t do anything. BOOM. V-Day creates angst, guilt, and pain instead of love.

But there’s one other final group – those that are so blissfully in love that “we don’t need Valentine’s Day” to show their love. Seriously, these people exist. A couple friend of mine posted on facebook that they sincerely don’t need a special holiday to express their love – they do it every day. Now I know some of you just threw up in your mouth a little bit when you read that, but I think about this for a moment.

Wouldn’t that be awesome? To have a warm loving feeling all year long instead of one night of perfect explosive passion that may never come to fruition?

Maybe love should be more like a solid Rushing Game – trying to get just a few yards every play to get to the next first down. Then after a series of great first downs you get a touchdown (or at least a field goal). For you single folks, that’s a smile to someone at the bar or a friendly conversation with someone while you’re in the line at the grocery store. All those things can build up and lead to something else. For us “in a relationship” that’s a peck on the cheek, holding hands, or a simple “I love you.” No pressure. Just a little romance.

So let’s cancel Valentine’s Day next year. Or at least turn it into a “wine” version of St. Patrick’s Day. Who’s with me?

Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and a frequent customer at Colin's Coffee. He hopes his wife didn't read this blog entry.

America, Demons, and Russia - Week in Review by Wal Ozello

A bunch of “Life” stuff happened this week, and seeing that I do a lot of the “Life” blogging here at Pencil Storm, I felt it was my duty to chime in.

America The Beautiful Coke Commercial – Coke created controversy this week when they aired a commercial having America The Beautiful sung in different languages. I thought this was phenomenal advertising. Genius move on Coke’s part to get people talking about them again and have them be relevant to the emerging markets here in the U.S. For those that are upset because the whole song wasn’t in English, I’d like to remind you that we’re all immigrants. In fact, we’d all be speaking French if we didn’t win the French and Indian War back in 1763. Click here to watch the spot.

Unplugged At The Super Bowl – The Red Hot Chili Peppers performed at the Super Bowl, pretending to play their instruments while a soundtrack played over the loudspeakers. Afterwards, when they were caught, they clearly admitted it. They did exactly what they planned: get national attention. For more on the Super Bowl Halftime performance checkout Ricki C's blog.

Philip Seymour Hoffman – I was floored at the outpouring of sympathy on my facebook feed for this actor who died via a heroin overdose. I see his death as selfish. The guy left behind three kids. With the bank this guy makes, can’t he find someone to help him face his demons? He has a responsibility to others. But no, since he’s won an Oscar and moved millions of people with his art, we’ll just sweep that under the carpet.

Biggest Loser Winner – Now here’s someone we can crucify for battling their demons, right?  The winner of the Biggest Loser was crowned this week. She stepped up on the scale, rail thin, weighing 105 pounds at about 5’ 4”. She was blasted all over the Internet for being too thin, citing medical averages that she was underweight. Poor thing – she was slammed when she was fat and now she’s slammed for being thin. As if losing the weight magically erased her demons. My guess is the same demons that created her addicted to weight gain are getting her addicted to weight loss. Has she gone too far? I don't know. I'm not her.

Russian Olympics – The week ended with the Opening Ceremonies of the Winter Olympics in Russia. So much controversy around this: gay violence, killing stray dogs, pictures of Putin in hotel rooms. Here’s who I feel sorry for the most: the guy that was in charge of the fifth Olympic ring that didn’t expand during the opening ceremony. (Click here to see what I’m talking about). I’m hoping he’s somewhere trying to escape from Sochi right now, instead of on a one way trip to a prison camp in Siberia.

Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and a frequent customer at Colin's Coffee.

Movies I'd Watch In Hell Forever By Wal Ozello

It’s Oscar season when they select the best movies, actors, etc. of the year. But when’s the last time you’ve seen an Oscar movie over and over again? Here’s the metric that I think all movies should be judged by: If you die and go to hell, and are stuck watching the same movie over and over again, what would it be?

That’s how I define a great movie and NONE of this year’s Oscar films fit into that category.

So here it is… I present to you my list of Top Ten Movies I’d Watch In Hell

1) Goodfellas. My college roommates and I had this movie going constantly at our apartment, so hell would be an extension of college for me. The way this story is told is amazing and the visuals are stunning. The Copa scene alone is to die for. I can’t wait for my sons to grow up so I can share this movie with them. Is 14 old enough for them to watch the “you’re so funny” scene?

2) The Godfather. This movie is a work of art. I call it the Sistine Chapel of movies. Coppola was able to turn a basic mob movie into magic. I think of this movie every time I renew my baptismal vows.

3) The Godfather II. I know what you’re thinking now. I just like mob movies. No. This movie is a work of art in its own right. How Coppola juxtaposes Vito’s life with Michael’s is a cinematic editing masterpiece. Every editor and screenplay writer who watches this movie wants to kill themselves because they’ll never be that good. Ever.

4) Shawshank Redemption. I must have seen this movie a million times thanks to TNT and if it was on TV right now I’d watch whatever scene it was. Any movie where some guy can crawl through five miles of shit and make me feel good about it deserves to be in my top ten. You want to feel like there’s hope? Turn on TNT and watch this movie. Perfect movie for living in hell for eternity.

5) The Sixth Sense. Seriously, did ANYONE see the ending coming? I totally pissed myself when that ring hit the floor. This story was beautiful. Get the DVD and watch the deleted scenes. The original ending of the movie makes it even more magical.

6) Rear Window. I first saw this film in a college class. The room was 10 feet by 20 feet and the screen was as wide as one of the walls. It was like I was looking right out of Jimmy Stewart’s window. By the end of the film I had develop three things: claustrophobia, a smoking habit, and a crush on Grace Kelly. If you want to experience this movie the way Hitchcock intended, place your nose inches from your TV screen and don’t move your head from side to side.

7) The Wall. It’s not a music video or a rock concert. It’s a transcendent orgy of music, film, and animation. Every shot of this film is a moving painting of deep rich colors that along with music takes you on the journey of stardom. It’s kind of like the rock star version of Goodfellas, pulling you into the excitement of being a musical king then flipping you to the dark side.

8) Swingers. This movie is so money and it doesn’t even know it. It was shot as an independent film on a shoestring budget. Every character is amazing and each actor nails the part. This is the original bromance movie that all other try to emulate. While I’d watch this forever, the answering machine will always make me feel anxious. I feel for you Mikey.

9) Elf. The beauty of this film is the humor never gets old. I can watch it on December 24th or July 4th and it’s still funny. It’s Will Ferrell’s masterpiece because he’s playing the most human character amongst all of his movies. Next to Shawshank and Goodfellas, it’s the most quoted movie on facebook. (I just made that up, but it sounds true doesn’t it?)

10) Leaving Las Vegas. This is the most depressing and darkest movie that’s ever been made. Period. After you watch it, you want to slit your wrists and bleed all over the living room. But here’s the thing, 5 minutes later the movie actually makes you feel better about yourself. Because no matter how miserable and pathetic your life is, at least you’re not a washed up script writer that’s drinking yourself to death or a prostitute who can only find love in a suicidal drunkard. Hell is like a Sandles Beach vacation compared to this movie. So smile and change the channel to TNT. Shawshank’s on you’ll discover there is some hope in this world.

Now it's your turn. Comment below and let me know what films you'd watch in hell.

Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and graduate of the Ohio State University Photography & Cinema Department.

Let’s Stop Shooting Each Other by Wal Ozello

I get gun ownership. I've got lots of friends who hunt that like to go out and shoot deer and other animals in the woods. I don’t want to stop people from doing that.

I kind of get owning guns as a hobby and going to a shooting range to shoot targets and things. I don’t totally understand it, but I’m sure those people don’t totally get why I wake up at 6am every morning and go to Colin’s Coffee to write my novels.  So while you wouldn’t catch me at the local shooting range, I support others having the right to shoot at target ranges.

Here’s what I don’t get. Why the hell can’t we all agree with keeping guns away from people who want to shoot people?

Seriously, if I had the potential to beat someone over the head with my laptop and aimless murder the guy that just ordered the cappuccino latte, then by all means someone stop me from owning a laptop! 

It’s getting to the point that I don’t want to go anywhere at the risk of getting shot. I’m scared shitless that some wacko is going to shoot the shit out my kids’ school, too.  And for heaven’s sake, I don’t want any of you walking around with a gun, fantasying that you’re some vigilante who’s going to stop the next James Holmes that pops out of a doorway.

I want to live peacefully. And I’d like my family and friends to do the same. At some point, my rights to live have to supersede the Second Amendment. At some point, my pursuit of happiness has to out rank the right to own a gun.

Folks, this is getting out of control. It seems like every day I go onto Yahoo! and read about the latest shooting someone. Remember when Columbine was a shocking tragedy? Three dead in a Maryland mall doesn’t seem like big news anymore – and that’s a problem!

So let’s try this – you put away your NRA card and I’ll shelf my ACLU card. Let’s meet at a table to talk and start with what this country was really founded on – the chance for a better life. Maybe then we can have a rational discussion on how we keep people from shooting each other.

In the meantime, please say a prayer for the families that lost some one in Maryland last weekend, when all they did was go shopping.

{C}{C}{C}{C}Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and a frequent customer at Colin's Coffee.

Colin's Coffee Invites You to Support a Local Business One Day a Month on "Pay the Rent" Saturday.

Announcing a new world wide movement: "Pay The Rent Saturdays!"

A plan to support local business beginning Saturday January 25th!

Okay people, I'm not going to bullshit you: things get a little tight around the coffee shop this time of year. More so, there is this guy called "the landlord" and this thing called "the rent" and together they can be a real drag. It seems like almost every month he is all, "Yo, give me some money" and I'm like, "Dude...I ain't got that kind of scratch handy."  So I need some friends to come in and buy a drink or a sandwich and help us "Pay the Rent".

We all know that buying local is much better for the planet, economy, and our collective well-being but let's face it, who hasn't sat in a drive-through burning gas just to get one sweet taste of Starbuck's overpriced Beelzebub blend? I know I have. Say what you want about The Devil or McDonald's, but if they know one thing it's location,location,location!

It's not like I'm are asking for a huge favor. We have great coffee, mocha, lattés and all that jazz that you can get at all the big places. Don't like coffee? No problem: we've got hot chocolate, breakfast sandwiches, grilled cheese & tomato soup, etc. And free WIFI. Come hang out. Study. Stalk your ex on Facebook, perhaps? Good times.

"But I really like the big corporate chain stores," you say?

Once again, no problem. Here at Colin's Coffee, we aim to please. On "Pay The Rent Saturday", we will have a jar out where you can just give us money and you do not have to order anything. You can support local business and then walk across our parking lot, choke down some crappy McYuks swill and still feel good about yourself. It's a win-win!

                                                                     One Day a Month!

In all seriousness, I stare out the windows of Colin's Coffee every single morning and watch the McDonald's drive-through line overflow down the street. And I get it. That's just how it is. People are busy and while we all agree "buying local" is the right thing to do, it just isn't always convenient or affordable. So here is what I propose: just one day a month - the last Saturday - go and patronize a local business, Colin's Coffee or whomever. Try a small local restaurant, or grocery store, or record store or bar. Or go see a band or whatever. Go to the Clarmont. Oh wait, too late, it's gone. Everybody misses the local place when they read about them closing in the paper/online but the best time to miss them is while they are still in need of your business. Pay that place a visit one day a month.

Write it in your calendar and plan in advance, like researching a local vacation. The last Saturday of every month is when you give the little guy a shot. We're just asking for 12 days out of 365. Not only will it improve your community, I guarantee you will be glad you tried it. Thanks for reading this and if you agree, please pass along the movement. Also, share some local places you recommend  for "Pay the Rent Saturday". Personally, I see Dirty Frank's Hot Dogs in my future. - Colin

Colin Gawel is best known as the founder of the worldwide, "Pay the Rent" movement. Additionally, he plays in Watershed, The Lonely Bones, and once ranked every single Cheap Trick song in a 29 page essay. He is a husband, father, songwriter, fantasy baseball player and Pencilstorm contributor. He moonlights as a coffee shop owner. colingawel.com 

Your Dog Isn't Your Kid by Johnny DiLoretto

Your dog is not your kid. Don’t say you love your dog like it’s your kid. People who  say that sound… well, like an emotionally stunted idiot.

Let me tell you why. Firstly, you don’t have sex with a dog in order to get pregnant with a dog. Two, forget screwing a dog, you don’t actually ever lug around a dog fetus inside of you, letting it stew in there for a good 9 months.  And, this one goes without saying, but you never actually bear down and squeeze a cute little sopping wet puppy out of your cha-cha parts.

Furthermore, one doesn't birth just one dog. One births a litter, and even if you did birth a litter of pups you’d be forced to let them duke it out over your two tits. Don’t forget you only have two tits. To truly love a dog like your own child you’d need at least 8 to 10 tits.

So, the very idea that you love your dog like it’s your own child is flawed reasoning from the start…

But, for argument’s sake, let’s say you just acquire a dog the normal way and now you love it like it’s your kid.

Here’s the number one reason why that’s a monumentally stupid thing to say:

Because having a child is a constant reminder that you’re going to die one day and that the only thing left of you is going to be tied up in this little person who holds in their delicate grasp all your hopes, dreams, and fears. Your child is the as-yet unscrewed up miniature version of you that will carry your legacy into the future.  

You will pour everything you have – emotionally, spiritually, financially – into this person. You will watch them learn to walk, you will help them acquire the gift of speech, you will, hopefully, even teach them how to urinate and defecate into a toilet. 

Having a child is to walk through the world with the constant fear that harm might befall him, a perpetual nagging doubt that you haven’t equipped her well enough with the emotional and psychological tools to contend with other human beings; that he or she won’t measure up, that they won’t succeed, that they’ll have their hearts broken or their spirits crushed. These are fears that plague you deep in your soul. It just doesn’t hit you quite that deep when your dog gets nipped at for sniffing the wrong ass.

I know  --- I know --- people are disappointing and it’s easier to love a dog. It’s easier to love an animal that loses its shit when you get home. That’s mainly because you can’t leave a kid in a kennel all day while you’re working.

And, I know, I know --- dogs help people get through some terrible times. Dogs are wondrous creatures that have evolved alongside of humans over the last 10,000 years to provide people with protection and companionship. These animals, it’s hard to believe were once all wolves. But you’d think after 10,000 years they might be able to say something, a word at least - a “hello” or “thank you” even. Let’s face it, these are limited creatures that have been given every opportunity to grow and learn and tail wagging and leg humping are still their primary modes of expression.

But, let's move on. Don’t say you love your dog like it’s your own child because it only points up your emotional inadequacy. Grow the F up. People are hard. People will fucking let you down. Some of them want to use you, some of them want to abuse you, some of them, god only knows, want to be used by you. (Thank you Annie Lennox.) But dogs are not children. They are companions. And you should love them as such. 

The bottom line here is that we live in a world now where people just say crazy, over-the-top shit and everyone is supposed to validate everyone else’s feelings no matter how juvenile or asinine the crazy shit they say is.

It’s like having to pretend the fibromyalgia is really anything but the result of eating too many trans fats and sitting around on your ass all day.

Now, it’s okay, if you have kids, to say that you’re dog is part of the family. That’s acceptable. But it’s as freakishly annoying to treat you’re dog as your child as it would be for someone to treat their child as a dog.

Which reminds me, I gotta get home to let my kid out so he can shit in the yard.

Johnny DiLoretto is a father, husband, movie guy, comedy guy, writer, radio / television personality and  a huge Dean Martin fan. He writes stuff for Pencilstorm too.