Rock Nation Declares War on ISIS - by Colin G.

In a stirring 25 minute address to the House of Lords, and members of other bands that don't suck, President Dave Grohl formally announced what many in the media had been speculating for days, "We are a tolerant culture. Our tent is big and we welcome people from all religions no matter how crazy. You can worship Jesus Christ, the Prophet Muhammad, King Diamond or all three for that matter.  All we ask, is that when you are in our church, the church of rock n roll, you get your balls to the wall. And maybe purchase a t-shirt or a CD to support the band. At least buy them a beer. But after the recent events in Paris, we have no choice but to look back in anger, and announce that Rock n Roll is formally declaring war in ISIS. Or ISIL. Or Daesh. Or whatever they are called.. "

At that moment, Vice President Lemmy Kilmister suddenly woke up and screamed, "When you shoot up a rock show, you crossed a line. Now it's personal, motherf*%kers." And with that he began firing glass whisky pints into the ceiling fans.

The Reverend Little Richard grabbed the microphone and appealed for calm in the moment. Nevertheless, he supports President Grohl's declaration of war. "No matter what faith you follow, every doctrine knows it's a sin to kill a merch man, baby. Blessed are those who move the gear and sell the swag.  I mean, even the Nazis wouldn't shoot a roadie. You may need him to fix a tank or sell shirts one day.  These heathens need to be stopped. It's time to rip it up!"

President Grohl also stated that the rock nation would waste no time going on the offensive, especially in light of  breaking news that members of ISIS or ISIL or Daesh or Yeesh have begun burning drum sets and saxophones to eliminate rock music from their territory completely.

Senator Neil Peart from the Liberal Wilco party seemed dumbfounded at these allegations, "I can't believe what you're saying, these things they can't be true. Our world could use this beauty, just think what they might do."

House Rep. Ted Nugent of the Ultra-Conservative Altamont party quickly responded: "Professor, they are true." Click here for the story  He continued, "While I am glad President Grohl has finally had the balls to step on his Big Muff and make this declaration, it is way overdue. I have been telling you for years that what is the point of having all these semi-automatic weapons here at home if we are only going to use them to shoot up American movie theaters and American classrooms. We need to take the 2nd amendment Double Live Gonzo for some payback."

Insiders have stated on background that not only is the Rock N Roll Nation planning  to defeat ISIS, but they are looking to stage a huge outdoor metal festival somewhere near Raqqa in the Northern Territories. Secretary of Defense Lars Ulrich added "This is a war for the hearts and minds of these teenagers.You think these ISIS kids are radical now?  And all they have had to motivate them are some old guys reading them WORDS while drinking TEA? Just wait until they HEAR "Number of the Beast" performed live by Iron Maiden at 125 decibels while SMOKING that sweet Afgani hashish. You are going to see some teenagers turn radical for real, and not gentle like before. This time they won't be shooting up the streets of Paris, they will be fighting against their parents, teachers and preachers. They will shout at the devil. They won't be denied their inalienable right to shout it out loud. They will fight for their right to party. They will fight the power. They will not run to the hills. The region will be transformed throughout the power of rock."

Promoters at Clear Channel couldn't be reached for comment but did indicate the festival would be the biggest and loudest metal show ever staged in hostile desert territory and that the Eagles of Death Metal would get a headlining spot.  An insider added, "Well, maybe not headlining, but right before Metallica. Well, maybe not because they aren't really metal but they will get a good slot. At least 40 minutes. And a quick soundcheck. Definitely higher on the bill than those assholes in Megadeath."

General Jack White of the Seven Nation Army expeditionary force has been mum on the military side of the operation but it is widely believed that Colonel Glenn Danzig will be leading the Vinnie Vincent Invasion from the West, while Operation Screaming For Vengeance will move from the North trying to catch the ISIS fighters in a classic pincer movement. It is assumed that the elite "Rock n Roll Professionals" unit led by Sargent Scott Lucas are already on the ground making targeted strikes as if ISIS stole a sticker from the Local H merch table. (shudder) Furthermore, Captain Rudolf Schenker of the Rockwaffe has confirmed that once ISIS or ISIL or Deish or Yeesh or Geesh is defeated, stage, amplifiers and merch would be airlifted in from Berlin to set up for the show tentatively called, "ISIS, What a Bunch of Assholes. Let's Melt Their Faces Together." 

Obviously, this is all in good fun and we here at Pencilstorm send out prayers and thoughts to the Eagles Of Death Metal and all those injured by evil actors the world over, whether it be Paris, Baghdad, Beirut or Syria itself. Let's hope this madness ends sooner than later. 

Colin G. is in the band Watershed and started Pencilstorm because he got bored at his coffee shop. Superior - The Best of Colin Gawel out December 2015. Click here to pre-order.

Thoughts on Paris by Wal Ozello

How do you find a word stronger than “tragic”?    Because “tragic” seems too inadequate of a word to define what happened in Paris, France on Friday.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims, their families, and the people of France today.  But we need to give them and the rest of the world more than just thoughts and prayers.

Yes. We must hunt down those responsible for these attacks and make them pay for their actions. That’s a given.

But at some point in the near future, we need to give the world more than retribution, we need to give them hope. Hope that this won’t happen again. Hope that we'll never have to construct another memorial to a fallen soldier or innocent civilian.

I could go on for ever about the world’s need to get along. But someone else said better before me, so take a listen to this song. There is hope for a better tomorrow .

Wal Ozello is a science fiction techno-thriller novelist and the author of Assignment 1989 ,  Revolution 1990, and Sacrifice 2086. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and a frequent customer at Colin's Coffee.

Issues 3....2....1 How I Am Voting - by Colin Gawel

I've been flummoxed and flip-flopping on how to vote on Issues 2 and 3 for the past month. I have heard thoughtful arguments from intelligent people on all sides of the issues and many good points can be made in many directions. Alas,  Election Day has arrived so it's time to pull the trigger, or voting lever as it were. I'm not trying to convince anybody how to vote and if you think I'm wrong, there is a good possibility you are right. Anyhoo, my two cents....

Issue 3: Obviously, marijuana should be legal. I'm not going to go into all the reasons why this makes sense but it's time to update our judicial system and stop hassling people who choose to smoke after a long day of work instead of having a drink. I know the monopoly question has many people troubled and I can understand why it does. No doubt that something shady is going on. Still, if a handful of rich dudes getting over on the unwashed public means my friends can smoke up without fear of criminalization, I can live with that trade.

But you know what bothers me? Gummy bears. I know lots and lots of people who smoke pot, and NONE of them prefer it in gummy bear form. I wear many hats but I'm a parent first, and I see nothing positive from offering marijuana in candy form. This is meant for kids and kids only and in good conscience I cannot sign off on this notion. If you want some of grandma's old- fashioned space brownies you are going to have to bake them yourselves. Or put another way, if Owen wants to smoke weed his freshman year in the Towers, he is going to have to choke it down and cough it up from a crappy bong like the rest of us did. If you remove edible marijuana products from issue 3 you have my vote, but until that happens  I'm going to harsh your groove and Vote NO ON ISSUE 3.

Issue 2: At first glance this looks like a no-brainer in the affirmative. But when you consider the source is the Ohio House of Representatives and ponder the long game, it warrants a closer look. Mind you, this is the same party that passed a law allowing people to bring guns into bars as long as they promised not to drink. And fought their own Governor to deny Ohio citizens health care with expanded Medicaid because they disagree with the President's skin color.  (Ok, that's a cheap shot and not true, but I have a bone to pick with the Ohio House. Click here to see why John Kasich agrees with me)

If the Ohio House is for Issue 2, that means there is an excellent chance it's a bad idea. Bad for small business and bad for you and me. I'm voting NO ON ISSUE 2. 

ISSUE 1 : I'm voting Yes  and you should too. This is a no-brainer. Just do it.

Colin Gawel banged this out while giving shoddy service at Colin's Coffee. His new album "Superior - The Best of Colin Gawel" is accepting pre-orders now. Click here for more info.

An Open Letter Concerning Gun Violence to Congressman Steve Stivers by Colin Gawel

Sir, I'm writing you from Colin's Coffee. It's a small business I run in your district and where I have become increasingly weary of opening up the morning newspaper to find yet another story of a mass shooting on U.S. soil. Though I'm no expert, it appears our current gun policy primarily benefits two groups: mass shooters and lobbyists. It seems to be increasingly dangerous and depressing for the rest of us. 

 So, if anybody on Capitol Hill has any ideas on how to put a dent in the growing domestic body count, I for one, would love to hear them. Only Congress can get this ball rolling and as we both know, doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Perhaps it's time to explore a different approach to help solve this problem unique to our great country.  I would greatly appreciate your help in this matter. Thank you for your time.

Respectfully, Colin Gawel (Parent and small business owner residing in the 15th district.)

Colin Gawel writes songs both solo and as part of the group Watershed. You can read all about it in the best selling book "Hitless Wonder-A Life in Minor League Rock n Roll" by Joe Oestreich. He owns Colin's Coffee and is the founder of Pencilstorm.com . Cheap Trick is his favorite band.

To contact Steve Stivers you can call his office at 614 771 4968 or Click Here for more contact info or to find your representative. 

Surprised by Pope Francis' Stairway to Heaven?

As our Lifestyle blogger, I've asked Wal Ozello to provide some coverage on Pope Francis' historic visit to the U.S.  Here's his thoughts on why this Pope is  a rock star.

If Justin Bieber  released a song the quality of Stairway to Heaven, you'd be justified to be surprised.

If Coach Urban Meyer started spouting love and admiration for the Wolverines and that state up North, your shock would be understood.

A WTF would be completely okay if you saw someone walking on the water during your early morning run along the Scioto River. 

But no one should be astonished by Pope Francis' message or his actions during his trip to the U.S. In fact, we should have expected it. 

As humans, we pick and chose what we want to believe is right and wrong. We end up justifying in our minds are our actions and beliefs. For example, we may stand against abortion and gay marriage and cite a few biblical quotes to support our beliefs but things like supporting immigration amnesty may be in direct conflict of  our personal rules so we ignore the Catholic belief of "Love one another." 

The fact of the matter is, the Pope doesn't have the luxury of believing in some of the teachings of Christ and ignoring the others. He must be the voice of Christ in today's world, challenging everyone he meets to act completely like Christ - not just how your perspective says you should. He know that you can't always get what you want, but I'm sure he prays that we all get what we need.

And if there's anyone that should have the truest perspective of what it means to be Christ-like, it's the Pope. And not just this Pope... any Pope.

Which is probably why we're surprised by Pope Francis' message... many of his recent predecessors have not been as outspoken as him. Some of them may not have carried the cross like Pope Francis does. And certainly some of them may have been more focused on the nuances of the rules, rather than the golden rule itself.

"Be nice to each other," sounds simple and it's easy. All you need is love.

The best thing we can do as Americans, whether your Catholic or not, is to listen to Pope Francis' messages and admire his actions.

The worse thing we can do is forget about him after he's gone.

Remember...  "There are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on."

Wal Ozello is Music and Lifestyle contributor at pencilstorm.com. When he's not blogging about rock n roll or supporting others, he's writing science fiction novels. His suspense filled time-travel books, Assignment 1989, Revolution 1990, and Sacrifice 2086 can be found at Amazon.com.

Happy Birthday To Me: Cougs at Rutgers - by Brian Phillips

50.  Fiddy. Half a bill. Half a century. Embrace it, I say. The wife says "pick something to do and we'll do it. You are FIFTY after all." Hmmm.....cruise? Nah, that's more her style. Jump out of an airplane? Never once wanted to do that. The Replacements were supposed to be here, and had I known Paul Westerberg would contract scurvy and cancel I would have plowed in the van with our editor and gone to Minneapolis for the show last fall. Too late for all that. Too late for lots of stuff. More days past than future. What to do, what to do, what to do? I know!

22 years it's been since I've seen my school play college football in person. Full disclosure: I attended a great university and had the time of my life. I wouldn't trade those years, that experience and all the people I met for anything. To this day I share with them great memories, friendship, and decades in the third circle of college football hell: I am a Washington State Cougar. And knowing we're horrible and will continue to be horrible I chose for my 50th birthday to drive to New Jersey (of all the Godforsaken places on the planet) to see a team so putrid they could only be the fever dream of a bacteria festering in Chris Christie's bellybutton. Yup. Washington State at Rutgers. Fuck me. 

When I hatched this plan I was not drunk. Not having a stroke. Nothing. A rational-thinking 50 year old man decided that to mark this milestone he would drive 8 hours to purposely see a defense incapable of tackling. Tackling is important in the game of football and the Cougs have - for most of our history - chosen not to do it. Every defensive staff at Wazzu, including the one currently led by prepubescent newbie Alex Grinch, pursue a strategy of running into, and bouncing off of ball carriers. That doesn't work, not even against reigning Big Sky conference 11th place finisher Portland State this past Saturday. 35 point u-dogs were the Vikings of Portland State. Clad in high school uniforms and led by a coach who has been held in interim captivity for a year now, PSU ran amok over the allegedly Pac-12 Cougs for several hundred yards and a 24-17 win in Pullman last Saturday. 

For this reporter it was too late. A Stub Hub 'bot had already belched forth tickets 20 bucks apiece off their face value into my mailbox. A neo-liberal free marketeer would praise the elegant efficiency of the transaction, but as the Vikings skipped off the Martin Stadium turf on their way back to what probably resembles an ironic West Coast take on Cleveland State's campus the wages of football sin were already being paid in full. 

Oh sure, the Cougars can score points almost at will on most afternoons. Last season we lost to Cal 60-59 after missing a 19 yard field goal as time expired. That's called "Coug-ing it." It's a verb, look it up. It means snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and all that cliched shit about teams that can't get out of their own way. We invented that! Even when we're decent, which ain't often, we Coug it. 

Coug-ing it predates current coach Mike "The Pirate" Leach by decades and despite his law degree, and civil war reenactment hobby or whatever the fuck, he's powerless against it. In fact Leach seems to embrace the concept. During his 11-25 tenure in "The Palouse" he's gone for it on multiple occasions on his own 30 yard line. Perhaps he remembered that the Cougs forgot to practice punt coverage, or for that matter kick-off coverage, because Cal scored a good chunk of their points running back kicks that night. 

Here's where it gets good! Guess who the highest paid public employee in the state of Washington is... Yup! Mike Leach. A man who may have stuffed the son of "television personality" Craig James into a metal lawnmower shed one windswept Lubbock afternoon. This has to be the first and only time WSU paid its coach more than those fucking Huskies over in Seattle. Hey, they have their own problems.....paying off former Coach Cutty Sark's bar tab being one of them, but the Dawgs have to be laughing. Leach's agent managed to bury a poison pill in the "Pirate's" contract whereby WSU will be "on the hook" for 60% of his salary should the entire fanbase wish to "mutiny" and demand he "walk the plank." AAARRGHHHH! (Hey, I admit it I fell for all this quirky "He loves pirates, he never actually played football, he's actually a Hobbit" shit.)

So while Ohio State is busy beating Hawaii (Hawaii? why does Hawaii have a football team? there can't be a reason for this) with a dead fish, think of me blowing four hours of whatever life I have remaining reliving my college years. Yay! Go Cougs! I'll let Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, Washington have the final word.