Ohio County Trippin' Part Two: Medina County - by Nick Taggart

First off, some background:  In 2000, I struck upon the idea of visiting each of Ohio’s 88 counties.  The point wasn’t to just collect geographic spots, but to experience what my state had to offer.  I figured I could easily bag eight or nine a year, thus completing my goal within a decade.

Here it is, sixteen years later, and I’ve barely passed the halfway point.  Oh well, it’s the journey, not the destination, as Mr. Emerson once said.

Because I am who I am, I made up some rules before starting out:

Once I enter the county, I must stay within its boundaries until the trip is over;

I must avoid all interstates while in the county and, if possible, all divided highways.  Interstates, as the name implies, are meant to get one quickly across a territory.  County trips are meant to slow me down and give me an opportunity to look around.  This is an intentional nod to William Least Heat-Moon’s classic travel book, Blue Highways;

I must avoid all chain restaurants and patronize only independently owned establishments, whether they be eateries or lodgings.  This can be a tricky rule, especially when all the indie hotels in a small county look to be doubling as crack houses and brothels.  I have no intention of putting myself in danger for the sake of a rule, so on a rare occasion, special dispensation to ignore a rule has been given by the County Trip Governing Board (consisting of the ruling triumvirate of Me, Myself and I)

Click here for Part One: Meigs County

Ohio County Trippin' Part Two: Medina County - by Nick Taggart

 “Fair-to-Middling”
6-7 August 2016

We were just about to leave the village of Creston when we entered Medina County along Wooster Pike.  There was nothing to distinguish this two-lane road from any of the thousands of others that connect small towns throughout the state, but along with its local name, it also bears the tag State Route 3, a once major north-south highway.  Its route was established in 1923 when a series of shorter roads were cobbled together to connect the three largest cities in the state, Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland; thus its nickname, the 3-C Highway.  It may be the second longest state route in Ohio, but once the interstate system was constructed, I-71 became the go-to roadway for those wishing to cross Ohio in a hurry.  As Charles Kuralt once said, “Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.”

Since we had no deadlines to meet and were more interested in exploration than speed, we followed the curve of Route 3 into Seville, “a giant of a village.”  (The story behind that slogan will be forthcoming.)  We pulled up next to the American Heritage Restaurant where a sign promised, “Home Cooking.”   

That's Some Tall Water

That's Some Tall Water

 Small town diners offer much to the visitor, but in a swing state like Ohio, I often feel they represent more red than blue of the political spectrum.  Some small eateries hang their beliefs on their interior decorated sleeves. The American Heritage wasn’t as extreme as others I’ve encountered, but I knew right away where they stood on the Second Amendment. The canned country music was accompanied by a display of firearms on the wall and a t-shirt that read, “I have a beautiful daughter.  I also have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.”  They must have been temporarily out of the “I have a handsome son.” version.  I have some deeply held beliefs on the matter, but none that I can’t temporarily holster in exchange for delicious food at an economical price. That is exactly what I received with my $4.99 daily special that included a tasty bacon cheddar omelet with fried potatoes and toast.

 As I ate, I noticed a framed t-shirt signed by someone famous.  I was afraid it was going to be some right-wing nut job, but upon closer inspection saw it was Jay Leno.  “It could have been worse,” I told Michele.  “It could have been Dick Cheney.”  Michele didn’t see much distinction as she was a strong backer of David Letterman in the 20-year Late Night Wars of the ‘90s and aughts.

The restaurant’s interior was also adorned with a life-size, black and white mural of Martin and Anna Bates, “the world’s tallest couple.”  (Here’s where the town’s slogan comes into play.)  Martin was born in Kentucky in 1837, an average size baby, but after a tremendous growth spurt in his teen years, he eventually grew to be seven feet, seven and a half inches tall.  He served in the Confederate Army during the Civil War, leading to some truly tall tales by Union soldiers.  After the war, since the NBA hadn’t been formed yet, Bates traveled north and joined the circus, exhibiting his stature as a curiosity.  While on tour in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, he met Anna Swan, herself a tall drink of water at seven feet, eleven and a half inches.  The promoter knew a good thing when he saw it and hired Anna immediately.  Martin and Anna subsequently married while on tour in England.  Upon their retirement from the circus, they purchased a farm in Medina County and lived out their lives there.

After a brief perusal in a combination antique/craft/florist shop, we drove out East Main Street to Mound Hill Cemetery to visit the Bates’ graves.  Anna was the first to die, in 1888. Martin had a statue of her placed above her burial spot.  He passed away in 1919.

We continued east on Greenwich Road, where a small airplane icon on the county map marked the Skypark Airport.  It was established in 1965 by Daniel E. Weltzien, who had a rather unique concept.  Weltzien dreamed of a “flying community” where everyone owned an airplane for the suburban commute.  Perhaps he was inspired by “The Jetsons,” the cartoon that had premiered just three years before.  Each home Weltzien developed in the neighborhood surrounding the airport had a taxiway leading from the garage to the runway.  The private community of 49 residential homes still exists, but it was on the far side of the airport, so I could only gawk from afar.

We returned west a bit, looking for a place for an after-breakfast stroll. The parking lot was nearly full at the Hubbard Valley Park, one of the many well-maintained green spaces of the Medina County Park District.  The vicinity of the shelter house was chock-a-block with young people wearing martial arts robes.  We quickly left them behind once we headed out on the 1.25-mile long Trillium Trail.   

The Park exists as a result of a flood control project.  Dam construction created a 21-acre lake.  Additional land was purchased and a nature reserve was eventually established.  Our trail first followed the raised ridge that rings half of the lake.  An interstate could be seen in the distance, but if you kept your view narrowly focused, you could experience a pleasant bucolic walk.  Queen Anne’s lace flourished on both sides of the trail as swallows darted here and there.  The path then headed into a wooded area, full of shagbark hickory, pine, and spruce.  In a small meadow clearing, we paused while an Eastern Tiger Swallowtail butterfly was kind enough to settle on a flower, allowing us a prolonged examination of its beautiful colors.  The black stripes on its vivid yellow wings made evident its name.  The blue spots on its “tail” identified it as a female.

The only person we passed on the trail was an out-of-place older man who seemed to be in a hurry.  He was wearing nothing but swimming trunks and I vehemently hoped the cooler he was toting did not contain freshly harvested human organs.

Back in the car, we cranked up the A/C to wick away the moisture we’d produced on the trail.  It was a hot day and the grass was brown in spots, evidence that this part of the state hadn’t seen any rain in a while.

Our next stop was only a couple miles away as the crow flies, but required some zig-zagging past two highways.  The Northern Ohio Railway Museum is tucked off rural Buffham Road, south of Chippewa Lake.  It’s only open on Saturdays in the summer, so I thought our timing was fortuitous.  I was wrong.  I’m no train-spotter, but I appreciate a historical peek at a bygone mode of transportation.  The museum’s literature boasted over 40 pieces of historic equipment dating back to 1895, including railroad and interurban streetcar compartments.  While I can appreciate the funding challenges faced by small, private museums, what we encountered resembled less a welcoming institution of well-maintained exhibits and more a train boneyard where old cars go to rust and die among abandoned tracks and weeds.  Fortunately, there wasn’t an admission charge, so we didn’t feel as though we’d wasted money when we departed after a very short stay.

We found Route 3 again and followed it north to the county seat, also named Medina.  It was originally called Mecca.  Why the early settlers from Connecticut had an obsession with Islamic place names was not mentioned in the literature I encountered, but as is an Ohio trait, they altered the pronunciation to include a long i sound rather than the long e used in the Middle East.

Our visit to the city coincided with the 166th occurrence of the Medina County Fair.  The 92-acre fairgrounds are just southwest of the city center, off West Smith Road.  I’m a sucker for agricultural fairs.  I’m not sure why.  I’m a city boy through and through, but it was only one generation ago when my father broke away from the farming life his father, grandfather and great grandfather had pursued.  Perhaps it’s due to that heritage that I feel a certain kinship to that way of life…so long as I’m not required to wake up before dawn and perform any of the extremely hard work that farm laboring requires.

After the purchase of an iced tea in a fair-sized plastic cup, we meandered over to the fair pavilion to watch part of the annual fiddle contest.  Each participant, representing one of various age categories, was required to perform three numbers: a hoe-down, a waltz, and a song of their choice.  Quality varied, but wasn’t always determined by age.  Some of the youngest contestants showed real talent while one of the old-timers was uninspiring and out of tune.

We then toured some of the animal barns, checking out the cattle, sheep, and rabbits, before moving on to the agricultural buildings where we perused the blue ribbon-winning produce.  Thanks to some fun-fact signs scattered about the grounds, I learned that the two most common crops grown in the state are corn and soybeans, and that Ohio ranks fifth in the nation for tomatoes.

We avoided the amusement rides and games of chance, as I value both my life and my wallet, but we did pay attention to the cornucopia of food vendors.  There was Bam Bam’s Backyard BBQ and Brother John’s Heavenly Baked Goods (“Tastes so good, it’s almost a sin”), as well as the ubiquitous stands for Italian sausage and freshly squeezed lemonade.
Which brings me to my first general observation of county fairs: I’m not saying every visitor fits into this category, but I witnessed an inordinate number of very large people.  Not just overweight, but the kind of folks for whom were created the far columns in the Body Mass Index tables.  It could be that batter and dough dropped into hot oil emits a kind of pheromone irresistible to people in this category.

I’m hardly one to talk, though.  If a private detective had been following me around that day, there’d now be a manila envelope in a desk drawer somewhere containing telephoto shots of me rubbing white confectionary sugar on my gums and breaking my wedding vows with a deep-fried Snickers.

My other observation is a bit more disturbing and involves the prevalence of t-shirts and hats at county fairs, both worn and sold, containing the Confederate flag.  I’ll never understand the need some people have for associating themselves with a symbol of such hatred and bigotry.  What, was the store out of Nazi paraphernalia?  Maybe I don’t understand because I’m not from the South, but then, neither are most of the people who are donning the Stars and Bars.  Not only does the flag represent racism to the majority of informed people, but it’s also so incredibly anachronistic.  One might as well be wearing a shirt depicting a toothless Austrian in pantaloons, carrying a poleaxe and hollerin’ “The Hapsburgs will rise again!

If this isn't the Spitzer House, it is surely some kind of house. - Colin G.

If this isn't the Spitzer House, it is surely some kind of house. - Colin G.

After descending from my extremely elevated equine, we returned to our car and departed the fair.  It was late afternoon, but we didn’t have far to drive to the Spitzer House, an 1890 Victorian home renovated and given a new lease on life as a bed and breakfast.  The house is filled with antiques and the kind of charm one would expect from a century-old building.  We had reserved Ceilan’s Room, located on the second floor at the top of a cherry staircase.  It is named for General Ceilan Milo Spitzer, the man responsible for building the house.  He made his fortune in banking and other financial pursuits.  He and his cousin, Adelbert, organized the first bond houses in the country outside of New York.  Ceilan’s military rank came as a result of being named Quartermaster General of Ohio in 1900.  

After a short rest in our room, we headed out on foot, walking the half mile to the town center.  We’d already evaluated our dinner options online and had decided on Thyme2 (Time Square), a fine dining establishment on West Smith Road.  We weren’t exactly dressed for fine dining, but we knew the downstairs pub would welcome us.  The restaurant was so popular that evening that our only seating option was at the bar.  The USA Olympic basketball team was beating up on China in an early round game on the television above our heads.  Michele enjoyed a Hawaiian pizza containing smoked chicken, grilled pineapple, bacon, cheese, and a teriyaki sauce, while I devoured an entrée of Faroe Island salmon atop a bed of polenta cake and spring vegetables and drizzled with sun dried tomato butter.

After dinner, we strolled over to Uptown Park, the tree-filled town square where musicians had already begun playing in the gazebo.  We’d brought folding chairs in anticipation of the evening’s Jazz Under the Stars event, one in a series of concerts sponsored by Ohio Regional Music Arts and Cultural Outreach (ORMACO), “an all-volunteer, non-profit group whose mission is to make music, arts and culture accessible to all, with a focus on underserved, disadvantaged and rural populations.”

On the bill that night was Tim Akins and Friends, a trio playing tunes from the American Songbook.  The concert attracted a respectable crowd.  We couldn’t have asked for better weather as a cool breeze blew across our shaded location.  Michele bought us a couple of a coffees and an oatmeal raisin cookie from Cool Beans Café, located catty-corner from the square.  
As dusk descended and the park darkened, I had a clear view through the trees of the Medina County Courthouse clock tower.  The mansard roof was tall enough to be catch the late pinkish rays of the retiring sun.  It’s the second oldest county courthouse in continuous use in Ohio, having been completed in 1841.

It was dark for our walk back to the Spitzer House, our chairs slung over our shoulders.  In our room, we found a cable channel playing rock classics to provide background music while we read ourselves to sleep.  The following morning, we took our place in the elegant dining room for our delectable complimentary breakfast of yogurt and fruit, banana coffee cake, and eggs benedict with spinach and ham.  

Our first stop on Sunday’s itinerary was the Brunswick Farmer’s Market, held middays each summer Sunday at Heritage Farm on Laurel Road, about six miles north of Medina.  There were at least 30 booths selling all manner of crafts, candles, and produce.  I was pleasantly surprised by the number and quality of vendors since some small farmer’s markets can turn out to be sad little affairs.  Michele purchased a couple handmade candles and a bulb of garlic. 

We continued north on Route 42 until we were nearly out of the county.  An unassuming road next to a mobile home park led us to Princess Ledges Nature Reserve, another gem in the Medina County Park District crown.  The area is heavily wooded, but also contains an array of sandstone ledges and outcroppings.  Its name is taken from the daughter of a previous property owner whose name was Princess.

We followed the mile-long Nature Trail and were rewarded with a couple of fascinating sites.  The first was a hornet’s nest that hung directly, precariously above the walking path.  We hurried past and put some distance between it and us before I used the telephoto lens on my camera to snap of photo of it.  Further along the trail, it was Michele who miraculously peered into the thick woods at just the right point to spot in the distance a resting male deer.  Once again, I was able to put my camera to good use.  It wasn’t until we could more closely examine the digital image that we counted the antlers and determined it was a ten-point buck!

We didn’t realize it at the time, but our nature reserve good luck had just run out.

Our next stop was the Hinckley Reservation in the northeast corner of the county.  Despite its location in Medina, it is not part of the County Park District, but rather is the southern-most link in the chain of Cleveland Metroparks.  It is known nationally as the place the buzzards return each March to roost among the ancient ledges, caves, and cliffs. (San Juan Capistrano can keep its swallows!)

The Whipp’s Ledges Loop is the most popular trail for viewing the turkey vultures’ home.  It also includes rocky ledges that rise 350 feet above Hinckley Lake.  The hilly trail connects the Whipp’s Ledges and Top O’ Ledges picnic areas.  We thought we’d begin our hike at the former, but the parking lot was full, so we drove to the latter only to find a couple of large and noisy groups heading out onto the trail ahead of us.  I prefer my nature encounters to be less human and more sedate, so we opted to save that hike for another day.

After a futile drive to the west side of Brunswick in search of a restaurant whose online posted hours didn’t correspond to reality, we returned to Medina and found the Main Street Café on the town square.  Despite its common-sounding name, which we interpreted to mean casual dining, we entered the darkened restaurant to find cloth napkins and an upscale setting.  So long as they were willing to accept us though, we were willing to stay.  I began with a bowl of lobster bisque, prepared with lobster, cream, sherry, and spices, and then moved to an order of boneless Buffalo wings, made with house breaded Buffalo chicken and served with ranch dressing.  I found both to be average.  Michele was more delighted with her spinach smoked chicken, a salad topped with natural smoked chicken, Mandarin oranges, strawberries, walnuts, and goat cheese, and served with a homemade poppy seed dressing.

Our final stop in the county was the A.I. Root Company, a family owned candle manufacturer now in its fifth generation.  Amos Ives Root established the business in 1869 after his interest in bees led to honey production on a large scale.  As his apiary grew, the business grew to include beeswax, beekeeping implements, and other interests devoted to bee culture.  That eventually led to candles, which are now the company’s focus.  Michele selected a half dozen votive candles to give away as gifts.

We picked up Route 42 again and followed it southwest this time as it passed through the villages of Lafayette and Lodi.  The latter has the distinction of being the first place of settlement in the county back in 1811, when it was known as Harrisville.  The surrounding township maintains the former name.  With Lodi in our rearview mirror, we had only another four miles to go before exiting the county.
    
Time spent in the county: 29 hours, 23 minutes
Miles driven in the county: 84

What's with All These Chairs? - by Andra Gillum

Author’s Note:  I have lived in Upper Arlington (UA), Ohio for over 20 years.  It’s a wonderful suburban neighborhood just outside Columbus. Like many old communities, it is steeped in tradition.

To those of us who have lived in Upper Arlington for more than a few years, the sudden appearance of lawn chairs along Northwest Boulevard in mid-to-late June doesn’t surprise us a bit.  We don’t even look twice.  Of course, these chairs have been placed along the parade route well in advance of the 4th of July parade.  There’s caution tape, roped off areas, benches, chairs, even a few couches.  No big deal.

But for those who are new to UA, and don’t yet understand the enormity of this July 4th tradition, I wonder what goes through their heads.  Do they think that the Pope is coming?  Or maybe the President?  I wonder if they would cause such a stir?

Every year, the chairs appear earlier and earlier.  People used to set out their chairs a day or two before the parade.  Then someone dared secure their spot on June 30th, and the whole game changed.  Mid-June now seems to be fair game.  It reminds me of Christmas displays in stores.  They used to go up before Thanksgiving, then it was right before Halloween.  Now, they’re looking at a Labor Day start to the holiday season.

But who has the right to secure a spot?  Is it the property owner?  Do they get entire section in front of their house?  Can they give permission to friends to use their space?  Maybe it’s an open seating platform. Anyone can use their property as long as they’re first to rope it off.  

People who live in Florida and California pay a high premium for beachfront property.  Here in UA, we pay a premium for parade front property. Realtors tout that as a huge selling feature, along with granite counter tops and hardwood floors.

So, if people are paying top dollar for this red-hot real estate, shouldn’t they have first dibs for parade seating?  At the least, they shouldn’t have other people leaving stuff in their yard for several weeks without paying a storage fee.  What happens when they need to mow the lawn? Kind of a pain to move everything.  Are they obligated to put everything back exactly as they found it?  That’s a lot of pressure.

What about the area in front of banks and other businesses?  Is this their space to reserve for customers or is it fair game?  Is there some “Open a new CD and get 4 seats along the parade route” promotion that I don’t know about?  If you prefer McDonalds, can you sit in front of Wendy’s?

I really don’t know the answer to any these questions, but I fear they have led to some major arguments.  I know the UA police ask that residents wait until as close to the 4th as possible to set out their chairs, but we are obviously ignoring that advice.  I guess they’re given up.

They just hope that people remain civil and dignified with each other.  We are celebrating a wonderful holiday and a great country, so let’s try to embrace the spirit.

Personally, we’ve never set out chairs before the parade.  We usually just head for the end of the parade route and get as close as possible or try to score an invitation to celebrate at one of the luxurious parade-front homes.  These elaborate parties are another story, so we’ll save that for the next blog.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the UA 4th of July parade and celebration.  What a wonderful and fun family tradition.  And I really have no opinion on what the proper pre-parade chair etiquette is.

I was just thinking to myself how utterly outrageous this all must seem to anyone new to UA.  They have a few rules to learn about Columbus and Upper Arlington, but I’m sure they’ll figure it all out quickly.  

Next month, they’ll face Buckeye Football mania, which you truly must see to believe.  A few months after that, they’ll try to register their kids to visit Santa at Christmas in the Park, only to learn that they should have set their alarm for 5:00 a.m.  

We could publish a handbook, but it’s more fun to watch them figure it out themselves.  That’s the way it’s always been, and who are we to break tradition?

Happy Independence Day everyone!  Enjoy the parade from wherever you sit.


Andra Gillum is a free-lance writer from Upper Arlington, Ohio, and the author of Doggy Drama, Puppy Drama and Old Doggy Drama.  Learn more at www.doggydrama.com.   Send your comments and feedback to andra@doggydrama.com.  


 

Screen-Free for Jack White, Owen and Me - by Colin Gawel

It’s hard to believe my son Owen is headed into high school next year. One of the benefits of growing up is expanded independence, which leads to expanded video game and screen time. In an effort to slow the world-wide dominance of the crack pipe known as Fort Night, I started a facebook page called Summer Screen Free 12 to 3. (Click here for link to  page). The idea is as simple as it sounds: Try to get kids off screens daily from noon until 3 p.m. If everybody is offline, nobody is missing out. Or put another way, you can all go through the screen withdrawal shakes together.

The page is set up as a place for parents to share their stories of success and of failure. Also, the model is fluid. In our home, Owen can use his phone during restricted hours to listen to music or a pre-approved podcast. But no social media, games or watching shows. And if he wants to watch a quality movie or documentary, he can do as long as it is on a TV (not an Ipad or phone) and - once again - is pre-approved by the parent. Think Band of Brothers, It Might Get Loud or a Ken Burns documentary.

Part of the deal is that I refrain from screens and social media during the same time, too. Tougher than it seems.

Along the same lines of getting summer off to a good start, I spontaneously sprung for tickets to the Jack White show June 4th at Express Live. Owen used to spend many hours in our basement drumming along to songs on his headphones. He even used to ask me to jam with him. That all sort of stopped about a year back, or to be honest, when rap replaced rock n roll as his favorite genre of music.

Look, I have no problem with kids finding their own thing. I know I did. Certainly my parents weren’t cranking up Number Of The Beast on our family road trips. He can listen to whatever he wants. Still, it made me a little sad to see his musical side fade into the background. The Kid had some talent.  Maybe some loud guitars would flush some of that rap out of his ears and jumpstart his rock n roll heart. I figured $100 was a reasonable price to pay for a shot at inspiration. 

Just by chance our schedule lined up perfectly with Owen and I driving right by the concert returning from summer basketball on a beautiful night. I didn’t ask if he wanted to go, I just pulled the trigger and told him to start doing his Jack White homework because we are going to see him. He asked when, I replied tonight, he said, "what? like right now?" Me - "yup." As a parent I can improve on asking less and doing more. He had no input, we were going to the show, period. 

We missed the first couple tunes but shuffled our way through the sold out crowd to find a decent vantage point on the lawn. Owen had never been to a festival type event and couldn’t believe there were no seats. “You mean I could just get here early and go right down front in the pit?”  “Yup.” “That’s pretty cool”

Jack was Jack. A poor man’s Prince meets a poor man’s Zeppelin and I mean that in the highest regard. The dude is a bad mofo and reigning guitar hero of the world. The show is a little tough to follow as it wanders in and out of heavy guitar riffs with few breaks between jams, but the musicality is undeniable. And seeing Seven Nation Army live should be on every teenage boy’s bucket list.

We both enjoyed the show and when I got to relive it the next day when the setlist was posted on Setlist Fm, I just fell in love with it. (https://www.setlist.fm/setlist/jack-white/2018/express-live-columbus-oh-13ed5589.html )

Oh, did I mention…  NO PHONES ALLOWED at JACK WHITE. It was great. Owen and I left ours in the car and stayed in the moment. It was great to see a show without everybody holding up their phones taping it. (Which never made sense to me since everything is on youtube anyway. but I digress..) Owen liked the no phone policy too.  See, this screen-free stuff isn’t sooo bad.

Anyway, the next morning I stopped home from the coffee shop around lunchtime to check on O and see how the screen free 12 to 3 was going. I opened up the door to the sound of drums being played in the basement. I closed the door and went back to the coffee shop.

Colin Gawel founded Pencilstorm and plays in the band Watershed and The Bowlers.  He occasionally writes things at Colin’s Coffee in Columbus,Ohio. He wrote this between the hours of 12 and 3 while staying off screens.

Below: Soon to be high school freshman Owen Gawel behind the kit  for the 5th grade Wickliffe Elementary talent show. 

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Conkle's Hollow and the Devil's Dulcimer - by Colin Gawel

So on the first nice spring day of the year I decided to borrow a page from Lost Weekend Records owner Kyle Siegrist’s playbook to visit Hocking Hills and take a hike at Conkle's Hollow. I was cruising down 33, just passing Clear Creek Metro Park when I saw a sign for a music store selling guitars. I thought, that’s kind of interesting but I was on the wrong side of the road and wanted to knock out the hiking task at hand before I lost momentum.

After hiking the stunning upper rim and reading some pages of the excellent "A Tale for the Time Being" by Ruth Ozeki, I was ready to hit the road home before rush hour traffic got too bad. On the way back, I passed the guitar store again doing sixty and my lapsed Catholic guilt kicked in, “You should stop and check that place out. You are a small business owner and a guitar player. If you don’t stop, who will? You could drop off a copy of the League Bowlers record. Hearing Mike Parks play guitar will make that guy’s day.”

So after hemming and hawing in my brain, I decided to exit the highway and find a service road to take me back. I wandered around on back roads before 86-ing that strategy in favor of attempting to make a left turn across the busy divided highway and retrace my path. And let me make this clear: folks driving away from Columbus sure are in a rush to get home. After almost getting run off the road, I drove five miles back to the last exit, u-turned, and this time, made the quick pull-off to the music store. Point being, it was a big pain in the ass to get back to that music store, but I was determined to do the right thing.

I finally pulled into the gravel lot, grabbed a copy of the Bowlers CD off the floor of my car and wandered up to the big wooden front porch. Nice place. I opened the door and stepped  into a well-lit room with all sorts of guitars & stuff hanging everywhere. It was a  pretty big space. Behind the counter, partially obscured, I see a gentleman hunched over with his back to me.

“Hi, I’m a musician traveling back to Columbus and figured I’d stop and check you out.”

“So?” was the curt reply.

“Yeah, I spent the day at Conkle’s Hollow. What a beautiful day, huh?”

Total F-ing Silence.

In fact, it suddenly occured to me that the whole place is silent. I’d never been in a music store with no music playing. Not even some dude playing "Stairway to Heaven" in the corner. It creeped me out.

Anyway, I started looking at stuff, pretending to possess interest and/or knowledge. The store was filled with mostly cheap electrics, decent acoustics, and a bunch of hippie Nelsonville-type instruments. If there is such a thing as a bluegrass drum circle I imagine this would be a pretty good spot to shop. I start fiddling with a dulcimer, or what I remember is a dulcimer from 4th grade music class. It had four strings, was tuned to a chord and wasn’t a banjo. I knew that much.

The door opened again and an elderly couple walked in. They turned towards me and asked, “Do you sell anything other than musical instruments?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t work here. You will have to ask him?” nodding my head towards the guy behind the counter.

They ask, “Excuse me sir, do you sell anything here besides musical instruments?”

“Does it look like it?” was the reply without turning around.

“Somebody down the road said there was an antique store around here. Do you know where that might be?”

Total F-ing Silence.

The elderly couple waited a moment, and then headed back out the door into the sunlight.

I was sort of enjoying fiddling with this dulcimer thing and figured what the hell, I’ll buy it. Maybe this dude’s fiance just left him for his co-worker and now he has a broken heart AND is stuck covering the guy’s shift. I tried to imagine a mile in his shoes.

I was hoping the tag said $32 but upon closer inspection it said $132. Oof. I started to rationalize that I would be doing a good deed and maybe this different instrument would spark a new song or two. This must have been why I stopped at this store, right? Time to embrace my destiny. So I grab the four-stringy thingy, put it in the case and threw in a string winder for the hell of it.  I went and stood at the cash register, maybe 10 feet from the back of the gentleman working there. 

I’m sort of scared now so I don’t say anything. I just stand at the cash register, which traditionally means I’m ready to engage in a transaction. The man makes no move.

Total F-ing silence.

After about 30 seconds, which felt like 5 minutes, a recorded Bible verse came over the speakers. LOUD.  

“He who walks in the valley of sin…..words..words..repent…. words...bible stuff….devil….words….bible stuff...jesus…... words ...words.. words..”

I stood there stunned, thinking, "That voice reminds me of 'we have assumed control' from the the end of Rush 2112."  It ended as quickly as is started.  Then back to total f-ing silence. The man didn't  move a muscle. 

I quietly put the dulcimer back on the shelf and exited the store.

I stole the string winder, though.

(Just kidding.)   (editor's note: I doubt that he's kidding.)

 

Colin Gawel plays in the League Bowlers and Watershed. He started Pencilstorm while killing time at Colin’s Coffee.

 

 

TV Party Tonight! Season Two: Andy Kaufman vs Jerry Lawler - by Colin Gawel

Welcome to season two of TV Party Tonight! Just to get you up to speed, TV Party Tonight is us folks at Pencilstorm sharing the Youtube rabbit holes we are diving into to kill time during the boring Ohio winter. John Lennon didn't live in the Midwest, but if he did, he might have written a song called, "Whatever Gets You Through the Night". or whatever. Also, I'm writing this in real time. Grammar may be dicey. Just imagine we are in a bar together and i'm jamming my phone in your face screaming "Watch This!"

Anyway, I'm going to kick off season two with clips of Andy Kaufman and his feud with Jerry "The King" Lawler. I recently read the book Lost in the Funhouse: The Life and Mind of Andy Kaufman by Bill Zehme. The thing I enjoyed most about this book was....

"WAIT!! Did you see Man on the Moon? Did you see Jim & Andy? Or the documentary I'm From Hollywood?  Did you read the Bob Zumuda Book? Did you? DID YOU?? huh? HUH? HUHHHH?"

The answer is no. I just read the one book. And then starting surfing Youtube for wrestling clips. And typing this. 

I'm sure I will catch up on all that stuff eventually, but Andy Kaufman is sort of like Muhammad Ali in that no actor can do the real person justice. Andy had been wrestling women at his standup shows and on Saturday NIght Live. People HATED this bit. It pretty much ruined his career. Still, being a performance artist and pro-wrestling fan, Andy had the idea to take this act directly to the people. He proposed the idea to WWE CEO Vince McMahon but he passed. Just too much heat having Latka from Taxi do the heel turn against women. 

However, in Memphis, a budding young promoter and wrestler himself, Jerry Lawler,  jumped at the chance of having a huge celebrity become part of his local wrestling program. The two agreed to start a video feud with Andy promising to  eventually show up in Memphis .... Below are the highlights of that feud. I'm so excited for you to watch this. 

Here's something I've been meaning to put up for a while now. Its Andy Kaufman versus Jerry Lawler from '82 and '83. Some of this stuff you'll have seen before but some you may not have. I used a variety of sources to pull this together.

This shove prompts a Hollywood lawsuit. 

Here's a clip from the great movie I'm From Hollywood. Kaufman's challenge is accepted by a large local woman named Foxy. The match isn't really shown but the post match antics between Kaufman and Lawler are here.

Clips of this have been seen everywhere but here's the full segment from Memphis television. Lawler announces he's received a deposition and a video tape from Andy Kaufman. Kaufman and "lawyer" Bob Zmuda sit poolside in Hollywood announcing they're suing the King over the shove after the Foxy match.

Andy sends in a tape accepting Lawler's challenge. He also wrestles a woman named Susan to show how tough he is. Kaufman is tremendous in this video.

So this leads to the infamous Andy Kaufman / Jerry Lawler appearance on the David Letterman show. I watched this live as a kid while on vacation with my family in Ocean City Maryland. It blew my mind wide open. I had no idea what was happening. It made me a Letterman fan for life. A couple of thoughts before watching this..

- Lawler was every bit the performance artist as Andy. 

-The two were supposed to make up on air. Just before going on, Andy told Lawler, "you have to hit me". Jerry responded, "I'm just this hick from Memphis, these cops will arrest me." Just before break, Lawler went for it. Nobody on Letterman knew it was coming. There was a 22 minute commercial break while security sorted out the melee.

- Letterman handled it all beautifully. 

ENJOY

Kaufman and Lawler on Late Night with Dave Letterman

Even though it was over on the national scene, the feud kept going on local Memphis TV. Andy was not doing this for the money. He loved it. The crowd hated him!!

July 9, 1983 at WMC-TV in Memphis. Andy Kaufman makes his in studio debut. Like I said before, this isn't every segment in the feud but its everything I have in my collection. Andy and Jimmy have taken on Jerry Lawler in a handicap match. It didn't go well.

Can it get better? Yes, Kaufman goes face and humbly asks for Lawler's help.

July 16, 1983 from Memphis TV. This segment opens with Jimmy Hart vs Andy Kaufman from the Mid-South Coliseum on July 11, 1983. Hart's First Family jumps Andy during the match. Kaufman says he wants revenge on Hart and attempts to recruit arch-enemy Jerry Lawler to be his partner against the Mouth of the South.

Big mistake Lawler!! Kaufman and intellectual equal Jimmy Hart pull ultimate heel turn.

July 23, 1983 from Memphis TV. In the words of Brian Alvarez..shenanigans! Andy Kaufman and Jimmy Hart, along with the Assassins, celebrate their big swerve of the King. The July 18, 1983 match with Kaufman and Lawler vs. the Assassin and Hart is shown. Note, these are not the same Assassins from Georgia and Mid Atlantic.

And then, cementing his greatness, upon learning of Andy Kaufman's death, Jerry Lawler doesn't break character. He does it the right way. Andy would have been proud.

From the 1984 Season available now at www.70s-tv.com.

As time passed, Jerry has come clean about his and Andy Kaufman's relationship. Listen here

Colin Gawel writes for Pencilstorm and is going to Wrestlemania this year.