Commercials, Rock & Roll and The Decline of Western Civilization

I watch a lot of television.  I have no problem admitting that.  As such, I wind up watching a lot of commercials (especially if I can’t reach the remote).  I will now proceed to complain about those commercials.

“Every day more people connect face to face on the iPhone than any other phone.” – quote from a currently running iPhone commercial.

NO, NO, NO, THAT’S NOT FUCKING TRUE.  IF YOU ARE TALKING ON AN iPHONE, THAT IS NOT CONNECTING FACE TO FACE.  YOU ARE TALKING INTO A MACHINE, AND THE PERSON YOU’RE TALKING TO IS TALKING INTO A DIFFERENT MACHINE. YOU ARE NOT CONNECTING FACE TO FACE! 

Look, it doesn’t matter how much soothing/tinkling/new-age piano music is oh-so-discreetly, dreamily playing behind the dialogue that is wholly attempting to tug at your heartstrings and get you to believe you’re actually COMMUNICATING FACE TO FACE with another human being on your iPhone, you’re not, YOU’RE TALKING ON A CELLPHONE, just like millions of people before you have.

Further, from another iPhone ad: “Every day more people get their music on the iPhone than any other phone.”  Yeah, congrats kids, you’re getting thin, incredibly compressed, bad-sounding Robin Thicke tunes in total isolation on your little earbuds, oblivious to the world around you while you bump into me walking down the street. 

Make no mistake, I am entirely aware that I’m in full anti-technology Grumpy Old Guy, Drunk-Uncle-From-Saturday-Night-Live mode here, but I don’t care, these commercials presenting iPhones as some kind of soulful, heartwarming means of communication are just the worst kind of patronizing, false advertising.  And that (ostensibly, it’s all subjective) adorable little boy who kisses his iPhone and then grins so big – I hope he gets brain cancer from that too-close contact with his machine.  (Author’s note: My lovely wife Debbie – who edits my Pencilstorm blogs as well as the large majority of my entries on   Growing Old With Rock & Roll – and my good friend Kyle both asked me to take out the “wishing brain cancer on an innocent child” reference, but in the end I found that, in all good faith, I just could not.  That kid’s parents put him in that video for a quick buck from their soulless Corporate Masters and they must now live with the consequences of that decision.  On second thought, I think I'll wish brain cancer on the parents, in the hopes that at some point they were stupid enough to kiss their iPhones.)

Other commercial comments: Jim Steinman – the songwriter responsible for Meat Loaf’s Bat Out Of Hell records, among others, and the man instrumental (pun intended) for Colin getting signed to Epic Records in the 90’s (read all about it in Joe Oestreich’s excellent Watershed band bio Hitless Wonder) – seems to be conducting a fire sale of his material for commercial considerations.  He’s got “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” in an M&M’s ad and sold out Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” for some fiber bar.  (And he even let them change the lyrics to that tune, to include a fiber bar reference.  Weak.)

By my calculation, Mr. Steinman has sold approximately eleventeen million bazillion copies of Bat Out Of Hell and they play Mr. Loaf’s “Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad” and/or “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” on Classic Rock Radio approximately every 23 minutes, thus he shouldn’t be hurting for cash, so WHY, Jim, WHY?  When is enough money enough money?  (In my household this is known as The Pete Townshend Selling His Ass To The Highest Bidder Conundrum.)

Finally, I see that Jake Bugg, “alternative” artist who was recently extolled by (the now useless, irrelevant, antiquated) Rolling Stone magazine as a “New Dylan” is hawking Gatorade with his tune “Lightning Bolt,” apparently primarily because Gatorade sports (pun intended) a lightning bolt on its label.  Is it too much to ask for ANYONE to have a little integrity in this Commercial World?  And I fully realize that even Bob Dylan himself appeared in a Victoria’s Secret commercial in 2004, but only because he was provided, as compensation for that ad, with 72 virgin models by the lingerie manufacturer.  (And where did Victoria’s Secret even FIND 72 models who were virgins?) - Ricki C. / August 18th, 2013.  

Ricki C likes himself a good rant. Learn more about him and other Pencilstorm contributors by clicking here. 

Superchunk in 45 Minutes or Less

No, it's been about a month since you posted something.

Speaking of a month, in less than a month Superchunk will release a new album called I Hate Music.

I learned of Superchunk from listening to fIREHOSE. They covered "Slack Motherfucker" live ("It's about working for an ass-hole," Mike Watt would bellow.), but it wasn't until the song was included on their Live Totem Pole EP that I knew what and who I was looking for.

I liked what I heard on Superchunk's debut, "Slack Motherfucker"'s home.  After a few listens, I came away with some favorite songs but nothing to send me racing for more.

A couple years went by.  Superchunk released Here's Where the Strings Come In.  I gave them another try, with similar, yet slighter, results.  I came away with some songs I thought were decent, but the rest, I didn't care for at all.

Several years went by.  Superchunk released Here's to Shutting Up.   My love for albums titles beginning with the contraction "Here's" was at it's pinnacle.  I couldn't resist giving Superchunk one last shot.  The album was much more mellow than their debut, but the songs were a lot better than Strings.  I was satisfied.  However, I wasn't inspired to dig any further into their catalogue.

Many years went by, and the music scene began to see acts from the early 90's reunite and tour and sometimes release new material.  While Superchunk never broke up, they hadn't toured or released an album since Here's to Shutting Up.  

Enter: Majesty Shredding.  Fifteen seconds into the first track, I was questioning everything I felt about Superchunk.  That song, that album.  Great and great.  I was hooked.  To their back catalogue!  

Oh, the years I wasted not listening to Superchunk.  This whole time I was playing a losing game of Battleship, missing the albums that would have made me an fan: On the Mouth, Foolish, Come Pick Me Up, Indoor Living.  I just didn't know it.

Well, everything is good with me now.  I'm worried about you, though.  So, I've put together a Superchunk sampler that you can listen to here though Spotify. It's just the tip of the Superchunk iceberg, but it should get you ready for I Hate Music when it's released on August 20th.

Rob Braithwaite writes stuff for Pencilstorm. Learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here.

The live cover that started it all... 

And the song that got my mind right...

The Wet Darlings and Nick Tolford & Company at the Columbus Commons and Why Columbus Will Never Have a Thriving Downtown District by Ricki C.

I don't live in the suburbs, but I might as well.  I live by Cleveland Avenue & 161, right on the edge of Westerville and don't get downtown very much.  But on Thursday night July 25th my lovely wife Debbie set off for the Ohio Theater Summer Movie Series to see The Thin Man  and I went to check out The Wet Darlings and Nick Tolford & Company at The Columbus Commons.

Here's the thing about going Downtown for people like me; Columbus city leaders are always paying lip service to revitalizing our City Center (pun intended, that's the failed urban mall they tore down that BECAME The Columbus Commons) but then immediately start throwing up obstacles to that goal, i.e. making people feed the parking meters until 10 pm adjacent to Columbus Commons (as well as The Brewery District and much of the rest of downtown).  I just got home from a series of gigs with Watershed in Raleigh, North Carolina where downtown parking is TOTALLY FREE after 5 pm. Seriously, are people from the suburbs - who NEVER have to pay for parking ANYWHERE - really going to make the effort to load up the family, make the drive downtown (which they perceive as scary anyway) and then get soaked for parking meter or garage parking fees?  And it's not even the actual COST of parking, which is nominal compared to a Big City prices, it's the IDEA of paying to park.  

Secondly, Columbus urban planning geniuses, whose bright idea was it to shoehorn in a row of apartments/condos between High Street and the Columbus Commons, thereby cutting off any kind of connection between THE MOST HIGHLY-TRAVELED STREET IN THE CITY and The Commons?  Heaven forbid that people might be driving or walking past The Commons and say to themselves, "Hey, there's a show going on here, in the heart of my city, maybe I should stop and check it out."  At my most cynical I wonder if those buildings were placed there to cut off free viewing access to the Commons, so that homeless people or mere moocher-passersby can't set up a lawn chair on the sidewalk outside the fence and watch Picnic With The Pops without paying 25 to 50 bucks .  Or even more cynically, so Picnic With The Pops patrons wouldn't have to look at the homeless while sipping chablis stage-side with their families.  Regardless, are there really enough highly-paid downtown-sector workers to FILL those buildings?  How'd that Jeffrey Place condo development go over on 4th Street?

Anyway, enough anti-capitalist rich people grousing, let's talk about music....... 

I actually like The Wet Darlings a lot.  (It's not going to sound like it, but I do.)  I was looking forward to seeing the band in a non-club setting, but I've gotta admit being a little disappointed with them.  The Columbus Commons set-up really couldn't GET any more pro: good sound, GREAT lighting (though most of the Darlings' set took place in full daylight) and a HUGE expanse of stage to work with, which was part of the problem. Lead vocalist Jenny Lute is a great singer, is really pretty and possesses genuine onstage charisma but the band seemed a little bit lost on the Big Stage.  The songs are good but not really great and it seems a little like the band wouldn't know a hook if it fucked 'em in a closet.  Plus songwriter Bill Patterson might wanna work on FINISHING the songs, some of which don't so much end as just subside.

Also, Lute seemed to be having trouble connecting with the kinda-distant (geographically and temperamentally) audience.  She wound up talking to the crowd about the weather THREE TIMES during the 90-minute set, which is at least two times too many.  If the band wants to make the jump from clubs to bigger shows it really might not be a bad idea to work on a little stage banter.  It doesn't have to be prepared or forced, but SOME idea of how to draw in an unfamiliar audience of regular (non-clubbing, non-hipster) people might be in order.  All that being said, I really enjoyed The Wet Darlings set.  It was a good solid set of rock & roll on a truly gorgeous summer night.

The Wet Darlings might want to take some onstage lessons from Nick Tolford & Company.  Tolford is instantly ON and communicative with the crowd, opens the show with a song about how great summertime is (obvious in this setting, but still great) and completely engages the crowd from the very first moments of the set.  There's a lot of things I could say about Tolford & Co. but the main thing I always have to start with is how simultaneously TIGHT and LOOSE the band is.  This brand of gospel-infused rock SEEMS easy to play but it isn't.  Staying strong on the beat and swinging at the same time is a tightrope walk Tolford & Co. have mastered.

Also, I should be put off by the band's LOOK, but I'm not.  I'm 61 years old, I started off my rock & roll journey with The Beatles and The Dave Clark 5 in matching suits, progressed through Paul Revere & The Raiders, etc. to wind up back at The White Stripes and The Hives, sartorially.  The fact that the whiplash-great pretty-boy blonde guitar player sporting a cardigan sweater is immediately adjacent to a Z.Z. Top-bearded, ballcap-wearing bass-player straight out of Leon Russell's band in 1972 SHOULD bother me, but somehow the Tolford band pulls it off.  (By the way, for those of you scoring at home I saw Joe Cocker and Leon Russell's Mad Dogs & Englishmen tour at the Ohio Theater in 1970 and it's always the first thing I'm transported back to when I see Tolford & Company.  And you KNOW that can't be bad.)  

So yeah, Tolford has a KILLER yowl of a white-soul voice, is a great bandleader, plays a mean electric piano (with the mike placed firmly between his knees, Jerry Lee Lewis-style) but really it's the SONGS he writes that truly set him apart from the rest of the Columbus rock & roll pack.  Unlike most local acts you never really know WHERE a Nick Tolford song is gonna go next: is there gonna be a funky out-of-time bridge, is there gonna be a stop-time section that wasn't there the last time they came out of the chorus, is there gonna be a drums & bass breakdown where you least expect it?  Where ARE we in this tune?  It's great.  It's genius.  Plus, my ultimate compliment: I always find myself wishing the songs in Tolford's set were three minutes LONGER than they are rather than the two minutes SHORTER I hope for in lesser bands' hands.  And that soul-gospel chorus enacting choreographed dance-steps and synchronized tambourine-shaking?  Man, that guy and those girls are FINE. 

Nick Tolford & Company, thank you for a consummate night of summertime rock & roll.  

(sidenote; I got hungry around the time of the bands' set change, so I wandered over to Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream at the Commons for a snack , but was in for a rude awakening: two scoops of Jeni's Splendid would have set me back $118.  That seems pricey for an ice cream cone, doesn't it?)    - Ricki C. / July 26th, 2013

Ricki C contributes to Pencilstorm and has his own fabulous blog, "Growing Old With Rock n Roll" . You can learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here.

Top 5 Movie Monologues with Rock and Roll Intentions. By Lizard McGee

 Top 5 Movie Monologues with Rock and Roll intentions.

or

Everything I ever needed to know in life, I learned from Rock and Roll

By Lizard McGee

You go to the theater and sit in the dark. A projector pushes light through film and out onto the screen. You open your mind to the power of imagination and pretense momentarily suspending all disbelief. Actors expound on delicate dramatic details. You are washed with an intense certainty that they are speaking directly to you. As if a folded horn grows directly from their heart, out through the screen ending at yr face, amplifying and translating the deepest meanings of their words. 

Whatever they are talking about, they’re really talking about Rock and Roll. Everything I ever needed to know in life I learned from Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll is the beginning and the end of the world. It’s everything. Remember in Apocalypse Now when Marlon Brando says that he “… has seen Horrors.” ? Rock and Roll has seen those Horrors. Or Citizen Kane’s “Rosebud.” Rock and Roll has a Rosebud. 

But those are films. I’m talking about movies. Consider this a master class in Rock and Roll. 

1. Tears in Rain (Blade Runner) - Rutger Hauer 

Rock and Roll should always go for the jugular. The emotional response. You want the audience ripping off their panties and throwing them at the stage with mindless abandon. Even if your audience includes that ripped, sweaty, fantastically mustachioed grip who winks at you during scene breaks. No matter what, you want them all to be lost in the moment. 

Legend has it that the film crew was brought to tears and erupted into spontaneous applause after Mr. Hauer delivered this impromptu soliloquy. He ditched the script and went with his gut, abbreviating and adjusting what the director and screen-writer had given him. His gutsy move reminds us that great performance is also about spontaneity. Plus nothing says Rock and Roll more than having platinum blond hair and holding a dove in one hand while talking about death.

2. Don’t Ever Get Married (Purple Rain) – Clarence Williams III

Prince’s dad beat his ass, just beat his Mom’s ass and is now sitting at a piano in the basement crying while playing a beautiful melody that Prince later turns into Purple Rain. His dad grills the Kid about whether or not he has a girlfriend and what their future plans are. 

“I never meant to cause you any sorrow/I never meant to cause you any pain”

Indeed. 

Q: What do we learn from this growling monologue? A: Rock and roll is wrong. You should do it in a basement. You might get yr ass kicked. And most importantly, making plans for the future is a bad idea because that bitch will just break yr heart.

3. I’m A Wolf (Moonstruck) – Nicolas Cage

Ronny and Loretta have fire. Ronny has fallen crazy in love with Loretta. He wants her to come upstairs with him and get in his bed. But Loretta is fighting against her heart. Loretta is trying to be reasonable, she’s trying to make “good decisions”. What does this scene tell us about the dogma of Rock and Roll? It tells us that playing it safe is a loser’s game. The past and the future are a joke. Nothing matters but right now. Why? Because fucking. Because recklessness. Because it doesn’t matter how and it doesn’t matter why. Love breaks yr heart, love ruins everything, love is a mess. And when yr on fire, everything seems like nothing against -I want you in my bed. 

Nick Cage speaks for Rock and Roll. And Rock and Roll says - Don’t play it safe. Listen to the Wolf.

4. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope (Star Wars) – Carrie Fisher

Editing is Rock and Roll’s masterstroke. You must have impact. And it’s all in that last line. That one sentence has so much power. The wanting in her voice. Because everything depends upon this. This is a call. This is the power ballad. This is top notch Rock and Roll. Because it’s a fucking hologram, so cool. Also, Carrie Fisher is fine. Because metal bikini. And because it’s fucking STAR WARS and I still want a Landspeeder.

5. Bruce Lee Kicks Everyone’s Ass (Enter The Dragon) – Bruce Lee

It doesn’t matter that this isn’t a monologue. Rock and Roll is about breaking the rules. When Bruce Lee fights, he makes the coolest fucking sounds EVER. Specifically the moment in the scene in the underground drug lair when he fights off 7 henchmen and then after he beats the last guy’s ass, he stomps on his chest, grimaces, makes an alien-cat noise and prowls away to a soundtrack of spooky synthesizers. Bruce Lee is a BAD ASS, people. He then goes on to gloriously beat the shit out of another 47 dudes (I counted). That is seriously Rock and Roll. Because nunchucks. Because you can do anything. Even against insurmountable odds. Especially against insurmountable odds. Rock and Roll feeds on the glory of the underdog. And because it doesn’t matter if you’ve reached the end of the set. Go farther. Who cares what the club owner or the sound-man says. They may throw up the house lights and try to kill yr vibe, or pull the plug on yr guitar amp and try to shut you down. But God gave you a voice and made you a human amplifier. And he did that so you can say “I think we’ve got time for one more.” 
You cannot be stopped.

“You must constantly exceed your level. There are no limits. There are plateaus, but you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you.” – Bruce Lee

Well said, Bruce.

Rock and Roll always says -"Bring it on". Because Rock and Roll is all about stepping up yr game.

- Lizard McGee

Lizard McGee is a guest contributor for Pencilstorm and one hell of a talented guy. Follow him on Twitter or Learn more about his band Earwig and all things Lizard by clicking here

This Couple Travels From Idaho To North Carolina To See Watershed Play. No, Seriously..... by Ricki C.

I was sitting in a sidewalk café in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina this past Sunday morning, July 20th, talking to my lovely wife Debbie about how Watershed’s three-gigs in three-days in three-different bars Rock & Roll Junket event was going and I said, “I met a couple last night who came all the way from Idaho to see the band.”  “ON PURPOSE?!?!?” was Debbie’s incredulous reply.  “Yes, on purpose,’ I said, “why else would they come?”  “No, I mean, did they come to Raleigh for something else and then see that Watershed was playing so they came to the show?” Debbie clarified.  “No,” I explained, “they read about the Rock & Roll Junket online and flew all the way from Idaho to North Carolina for the weekend.”  After a short pause to take that all in Debbie said, “Now I feel bad.  I didn’t even go see Colin the last time he played solo right here in Columbus.”

That’s the kind of weekend it was.  Dara & Nick are our new friend Superfans from Idaho and the story is possibly even stranger than this sounds.  Stranger because Nick lived in Columbus and worked for our local daily newspaper, The Columbus Dispatch, from 1995 to 1998 – possibly Watershed’s most gig-intensive period ever, during and immediately after their Epic major-label years – and Nick managed to be only marginally aware of their existence and never saw the band live.  After moving to El Paso and meeting Dara, he got more into the band long-distance before the couple moved to Boise, Idaho in 2001.

I found out most of this from talking to Dara (man, I hope I’m spelling her name right) at Colin’s acoustic show Friday night at Sadlack’s Heroes.  She had come up to where I was selling merch and we got to talking.  When she mentioned that she and her husband had come all the way from Idaho for the shows I couldn’t believe my ears, I thought I had heard her wrong.  “You came here all the way from Idaho?” was the first thing I said.  “Yeah,” Dara replied casually, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if stuff like that happened to Watershed all the time.  The first thought into my head (which I’m really glad I didn’t say out loud, because Dara was such a sweetheart) was, “I have never met ANYONE from Idaho who was not an Aryan separatist.”  The second thought into my head (much like Debbie’s reaction above) that I DID say out loud, was “You came all the way from Idaho for THIS?”  

Luckily Colin, Joe & Dave delivered a Watershed All-Timer set at The Pour House on Saturday night or else I was gonna have to clear it with Biggie to start plying the couple with free stuff from the merch table to justify their weekend expenses.  (I’ve seen Watershed literally hundreds of times since 1990 and the Saturday night show was easily one of the Top 15, possibly Top 10.)  

There were other people who came from far away at the First Annual Watershed Rock & Roll Junket – Todd came from wherever he lives now, Catherine came from Georgia, at least one couple came from our hometown Columbus, Jenna and her boyfriend/husband came from Hilton Head – but all of them are another blog for a different time, because Dara & Nick came all the way from Idaho to North Carolina to see Watershed.  No, seriously……   -  Ricki C. / July 24th, 2013

For more on the Watershed Rock n Roll Junket. Setlists and recap posted at Colingawel.com

Robin Zander and Rick Nielsen Held Up This Black Concert T-Shirt and We Can Prove It

I have a question and I know you you have it too: Why Isn't Cheap Trick in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame? It's a simple question, but nobody seems to have an answer. To try and get to the bottom of this, Joe Oestreich wrote a best selling book with Cheap Trick as a major character, I ranked every single Cheap Trick song and then with help from The Lonely Bones started a band called, "Why Isn't Cheap Trick in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame?". They played some free concerts to help assemble some clues to solve this mystery. The shows got a bunch of national press and everybody agreed that it is essential that the answer be found. and soon. 

Last week in Columbus, Ohio in front 5,000 boozed up rock n roll fans, Rick and Robin helped the cause by holding up a "Why Isn't Cheap Trick in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame? " T- shirt before playing "Surrender". Looks for it in the clip below around 35 seconds in. If you want a shirt yourself, A couple are still left so click here ASAP.

Colin Gawel really, really likes Cheap Trick. He does other things too. Read about him and other Pencilstorm contributors here.