Terrelle Pryor will be an NFL Quarterback

Originally published September 2011 but thought it was worth a second look with T.P. making his move with the Raiders and starting the final pre-season game this Thursday..  - Colin

Terrelle Pryor will be an NFL Quarterback (And he has a chance to be Ohio State’s most successful pro Q.B. ever)

When Terrelle Pryor committed to Ohio State, he was considered not only the top high school quarterback prospect in the nation, but regarded as the overall top prospect by many recruiting services. He was the MVP of U.S. ARMY All American Bowl and after enrolling at Ohio State he set a freshman record by throwing four touchdown passes in his first start against TROY, in only the third game of the season.

It was around this moment, as I was sitting in the stands with my 4 year old son Owen, I remember hearing the first of what would become a chorus of many Buckeye fans commenting, “You know, we should really consider moving Terrelle to wide receiver or.. tight end”

Huh? Come again?

My first reaction was thinking how embarrassing that would be to our coaching staff. Could you imagine Nick Saban, Pete Carrol or Urban Meyer (!) landing the #1 Quarterback recruit in the country and switching his position? No, of course you can’t, because that would never happen. See: Tim Tebow. Good luck recruiting the next quarterback-BTW

Certainly, TP was extremely raw coming out of Jennette, PA. In fact, I blame his middle school “mentor” for not correcting his 7th grade throwing motion because that’s when it should have been done. However, there is this thing called “coaching”, and it is supposed to make the players better. That’s why young guys pick Ohio State. Troy Smith had half the skills of TP yet somehow won the Heisman Trophy and ended up taking snaps on Sundays.

Forget my opinion. Place your eyeballs on the numbers.

Comp %              Yards               TD     INT                QB Rating

1             61.1                  2636                 15      12                   131.70

2             61.6                  2942                 15      10                   126.40

3             65.5                  2772                 27      11                   157.9

4             61.6                  2903                 19        5                   146.60

5             65.0                   2247                15        3                    152.30

6             59.2                   1849                12        11                  128.40

7             64.4                   2746                30          4                  172.40

8             61.9                   3909                25          12                133.10

Hmm.. What do we have here? These are the junior year college passing statistics of 8 quarterbacks who are currently on NFL rosters.

Since Terrelle can’t throw, I guess he should be easy to spot…

Answers: 1) Tom Brady 2) Matt Ryan  3) Terrelle Pryor  4) Aaron Rodgers   5) Alex Smith  6) Vince Young (redshirted so this is his 3 year counting that) 7) Tim Tebow  8) Drew Brees

(Isn’t it interesting that the two guys with the highest college passer rating are both candidates to move to tight end? Tim Tebow and Terrelle Pryor. Denver traded 3 draft picks and gave Timmy 8.7 million guaranteed for the honor of snagging him 25th overall in the 2009 draft. Coach Josh McDaniels has since been fired for this move. The Raiders gave TP a cool $500,000 and used a 3rd round pick. Al Davis has not fired himself yet. *)

Oh, in addition to the gaudy passing stats, TP also ran for 756 yards averaging 5.6 a clip and 4 touchdowns that season. And.. He was voted MVP of the Sugar Bowl. It was his second straight BCS MVP award following his huge game against the Oregon Ducks the previous year in the Rose Bowl. Just so we are clear, these awards are voted on by impartial writers who sit and actually watch the game. They do not work for either school.

Still, I have to listen to the local sports drive time radio hacks, (yes, I am a loser for tuning in) go on and on and on about how Terrelle Pryor is BAD and has NO SHOT of ever taking a snap in the NFL. Inevitably, our hosts “King Prong” and “The Jazz Singer” open up the phone lines and I’m subjected to Joe Shitpack from Grovetucky, “Woody wouldn’t let those guys have tattoos. I’d bet big money that we never beat Michigan again before Terrelle take a snap in the pros. They should move him to Tight End”

Maybe it’s the baseball fan in me, but I’m sorry, the numbers show that Terrelle Pryor ABSOLUTELY has a chance to play QB in the NFL. Look at the cold hard numbers won’t you? Add to that his pedigree, natural size 6’5” / speed 4.36 – 40, and it looks like a great value pick in the 3rd round for the Silver and Black.

But…..he was drafted by the Raiders who are one of the most inept franchises in all sports. (Bengals, Clippers, Pirates, Bluejackets**) This could prove to be TP’s biggest hurdle. Even Randy Moss in his prime, sucked when he played for the Raiders.

Still, comparisons between Pryor and Oakland’s historic bust Jemarcus Russell are way off base. Other than both being African American, they have almost nothing in common. Russell won a national title, was picked #1 overall, signed a HUGE contract, 31.5 million guaranteed, and then literally ate himself out of the league. He had no desire. His lack of work ethic became legendary.

TP’s selfish actions in college hurt his teammates, fans and coaches. His Jupiter sized ego and immaturity are legendary as well, but… TP was also a fine student (3.4 GPA) with a stellar work ethic and desire to be the best.

Hmm.. A selfish person + huge ego + good work ethic + freak physical talents  =     almost every great athlete. Jordon/TO/Barry Bonds/Kobe/Ray Lewis/Larry Bird/Brett Favre  .......  so on and so forth..

Colin, seriously, do you really think Terrelle could be the Buckeye’s most successful QB in the NFL?

Why does my opinion matter? Why not just ask people who get paid big money and have a full time job figuring out the answer to just this question. (And I’m not talking about King Prong and The Jazz Singer on The Fan.)

OSU Quarterbacks in the NFL Draft:

Player-year-round taken

Terrelle Pryor -2011-   3

Troy Smith     2007-   5

Craig Krenzel 2004-   5

Steve Bellisari 2002-  6

Joe Germaine  1991-  4

Bob Hoying    1996-  3

Kent Graham   1992- 8

Tom Tupa        1988- 3

Jim Karsatos    1987- 12

Art Schlichter   1982- 1

Corny Greene   1976- 11

Greg Hare         1974- 8

Rex Kern-         1971- 10

Ron Maciejowski  71- 15

Frank Kremblas 1959- 23

So according to experts who get paid to be the judge of this sort of thing, Art Schlichter is the only prospect seen with more potential than Pryor. As long as T.P. keeps hanging at tattoo shops and not racetracks, he should be able to pass Art with ease.  Tupa went 3rd round because of his exceptional punting and because he could be a serviceable 3rd string QB thus saving a roster spot.

Bob Hoying went round 3 too, but had three major advantages over Pryor:

1-He had a monster senior season. Dumbass Pryor screwed his up and never got the chance.

2-His offense had Eddie George, Ricky Dudley, Terry Glenn and Orlando Pace. All four won national awards for their position that year.

3-Bob had an actual quarterback coach in Walt Harris. TP had no such luxury.

At any rate, the “drive by” draft experts seem to have Hoying and Pryor in a dead heat.

If you ask me, Frank Kremblas was the one Buckeye who really got screwed on draft day. The Canton Bulldogs were all set to draft “Single Wing Action Frank” in the 16th round before the squad was disbanded after owner John Coshocton had the team’s locker room turned into a fallout bomb shelter for his family. “Special Action K” fell all the way to the Giants in the 23 round and spent his career backing up Y.A. Title. However, his signing bonus of 3 cartons of Lucky Strikes smokes was a record for a 23round pick at the time.

Pop Quiz:
Q: Who is Ohio State’s all time best NFL Quarterback????? (Post Eisenhower)

A:  Mike Tomzack!

Mike, who was undrafted, ended up playing in the NFL for 14 years throwing for over 16,000 yards and 88 TD passes. He won his first ten starts for the Bears setting an NFL record and led the Pittsburgh Steelers into the playoffs in 1996. And also….  I’d pump out more stats but it’s really late, my wife is pissed and the beer…..just click below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Tomczak

So let’s rephrase the question:

Colin, do you really think Terrelle Pryor will have a better pro career than Mike Tomzack and become Ohio State’s most successful NFL Quarterback?

Actually, no, I don’t. But that may have less to do with TP and more to do with me living in Ohio. See, I find it impossible that ANY pro quarterback will succeed. Outside of Oakland, Ohio is the state where Professional Quarterbacks come to die. After watching the Browns and Bengals all these years, I have a hard time picturing any quarterback succeeding in the NFL. Let alone one from Ohio State.

As for Pryor, I can’t say I have forgiven and forgotten, but the best thing for Ohio State and TP in the long run is to look to Cris Carter for an example. Cris was kicked out of school his senior year for taking money from an agent, which led to Coach Bruce being fired. Cris went on to being cut in the NFL by Buddy Ryan before turning his life and career around. Now when he comes back to Columbus, all we can remember are the good times we had watching him during his time at OSU and those amazing catches against Michigan and Texas A.M. 

Wouldn’t it be great to see Terrelle Pryor, Coach Tressel and the rest of the 2010 Rose Bowl Champions standing on the field at halftime in the year 2029 celebrating their 20 year reunion?

O  H   I  O

Colin Gawel has spent his whole life living less than 5 miles from Ohio Stadium and playing in the cult band Watershed featured in the novel “Hitless Wonder”, by Joe Oestreich.  He writes things for Pencilstorm in between serving customers at Colin's Coffee.  And once a year, he loses control and throws a Nerf football really hard at some inanimate object when the Buckeyes lose. (Football or basketball) Sometimes this results in damage and/or marital strife.

* Al Davis has died since this article was originally published

** Funny how all of those teams have improved so much in just two years

Secret Hidden Track

Secret Hidden Track!

To read a really good Braxton Miller article by a real life professional writer click here  http://joeoestreich.com/2011/06/10/congratulations-you%e2%80%99re-an-ohio-state-quarterback-now-you%e2%80%99ve-got-a-project/

Twit With Tweet Sized Thoughts On MLB by Brian Phillips

We're half way home more or less in the 2013 campaign. The All-Star Break is here, and it'll be tough to move the needle much in your fantasy league as the numbers are pretty well pounded into shape. In real baseball meanwhile nothing is settled. The largest division lead (Atlanta NL East) is 6 games, and most of the NL West is underwater. 

Games have never been closer. 2013 may see a new record for extra inning tilts. (I'm pretty sure my Mariners have lost 37 of those.) It's been a campaign marred by injuries too. Super stars like Bryce Harper and Ryan Braun have spent extended time on the disabled list. The Yankees are so beat up their current roster resembles the witness protection program. Depth has never been more important.

Money pitchers like Matt Cain and Justin Verlander have struggled. Max Scherzer meanwhile was the first 13-0 hurler since Roger Clemons in 1986 (and he has the peripheral numbers to match.) Michael Cuddyer of all people had a 27 game hitting streak. The only thing that makes complete sense is Miguel Cabrera and his run to repeat as a triple crown winner. At age 29, and in an era of flailing at everything, Miggie is transcendent. 

Perhaps all the whiffing has to do with our short attention spans. It's tough to stand there and take pitches when all you really want to swing at them and see what happens! In the era of Twitter we just don't have time. Swing and a miss! Oh well another pitch is coming in about 30 seconds.  Here then are 30 Tweet length missives on the 30 MLB teams just past the half way pole. 

AL East 

Boston Red Sox 

  Sox in first and a big reason is Dustin Pedroia. Petey is hitting .325 with 53 runs despite a torn ligament in his thumb. What a gamer!

Tampa Bay Rays 

I had something else written, and then the Rays dashed into the break winning 9 of 10. Joe Madden should always have this gig.

Baltimore Orioles 

 Trade for Feldman underlines what we knew. Starters weren't up to snuff. Telling they gave up on Arrietta. Great arm. No FB command. 

New York Yankees 

How bad? They've just added .136 Luis Cruz to play short. Even I feel sorry for them. And yet there they are 3 out of the WC. How? IDK!

 Toronto Blue Jays 

Have come around, but probably too late. Dickey poor fit in AL East. Johnson not what he was. Reyes missing all that time really hurt. 

 AL Central 

Detroit Tigers 

Another underachieving first half. Miggie carrying this team. Scherzer having predicted break out. Verlander walk rate way up. Not himself.  

 Cleveland Indians 

Club built with high power/K guys and middling starting pitching behaves like this. Winning jags followed by losing streaks. Manicball!

Kansas City   Royals

 Pitching has kept them in it. Hosmer putting it together. Last 3 wks: .306 7/14. Butler? 6 hr! Saber says low Flyball rate. Last yr lucky.

 Minnesota Twins

This is as good as it gets. Meek line up, low K rate pitchers. I said at the beginning Twins need to start developing power arms.  

 Chicago White Sox

 2013 team shows two things. 1. Older guys getting old fast. 2. Weak farm system not yielding young difference makers. 

AL West 

Oakland A's 

 Forget book and the movie, the past two years have seen Beane's finest work.  Cubs catcher reject 3B Donaldson exhibit A: Bat and glove. 

Texas Rangers

Pretty simple. If Texas wants to win west from Oakland they have to fix their pitching. Injuries force them to use not readies like Grimm.

Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim  

Pujols and Hamilton killing them, especially Hamilton who is done as a productive player. They should just shut Albert down for injuries.

Seattle Mariners 

Good young talent. Now all they need is real ownership, all new front office, and a new field manager. Trade K. Morales while you can. 

 Houston Astros

I get it. I see what they're doing. Bo Porter could never win it with this club, but in a way isn't he manager of the year?  Hellava job.

 National League East

Atlanta Braves

This team will be caught from behind by Washington. Too many offensive holes, and now injuries.  

 Washington Nationals

Then again, the Nats have been even worse at the plate. Having a healthy Harper will make everything better.

Philadelphia Phillies 

Not a good team, but I hear talk of them selling. Bullshit. Atlanta is vulnerable, and they're only a 1/2 behind Washington. Sack up! 

 New York Mets

Mets should have a ticket plan to see only Matt Harvey starts. This guy is old school. Light on gimmicks. Heavy on cheese.  

Miami Marlins

After Nolasco trade their highest paid player is probably Loria's court painter. He takes over for NBA's Sterling as worst owner in sports.  

National League Central 

St. Louis Cardinals

Everything they do is right. They will never laugh at Pujols because they have class, but they will sit quietly and nod.  

Pittsburgh Pirates 

You buying? Man that offense isn't really good, but it's getting there. Pitching has been stellar. If they get in? Look out. 

Cincinnati Reds 

Gotta be frustrating. This is a first place team in most divisions. In the NL Central? Tough hill to climb. Pieces are there.  

Chicago Cubs

Obviously out of it. Their season is before the trade deadline. What can they get for Garza? Could they trade Soriano? If they eat money.

Milwaukee Brewers 

Has there every been a shittier bullpen? Not many. Starters really no better. A disgrace to their fans. Speaking of disgrace: Braun. 

 National League West

Arizona Diamondbacks 

Gibson needs to quit fucking around with his bullpen and figure it out. Also Gibson needs to get over his blood and guts fetish. 

 Los Angeles Dodgers 

Perfect I guess because this LA team is written like a Bruckheimer flick. Puig the hero, but the pitching has to be the meat of the story.

Colorado Rockies   

Speaking of Hollywood, this is like a Rockies team out of central casting. Plenty of pop, but they've resorted to Roy Oswalt on the hill.  

San Francisco Giants 

They had a nice run didn't they? Weirdly their offense hasn't been that bad, but their pitching has been middling at best.  

 San Diego Padres

I'm not sure what they're doing down there, but what they might think about is trying to trade guys like Headley to the Yankees.  

That'll do it. Every race is going down to the wire I think, even the NL East. Trades? Hmm... I've never had a more tenuous feel for who will be dealt. It isn't just me. The extra layer of wild cards cuts the number of available players precipitously. It's never been a better time than now to be a crap team. Will the Marlins really trade Stanton? Don't put it past Loria. If the Mariners don't sell high on Ibanez (24 home runs, are you kidding me?!) Morales and Joe Saunders I'm going to throw my shoe through the TV. Get something for them! They won't though because our front office stinks, the fans don't hold them to account, and the ownership doesn't care. Go Seahawks!

Brian Phillips is the mid day DJ for CD1025 and knows a thing or two about a thing or two. learn more about him and our other Pencilstorm contributors by clicking here. 

A Golfer's Guide to the Top Public Gambling Courses in Central Ohio

Every Monday night in the summer, I gather with 15 of my good friends at a local golf course for nine holes. We call it a golf league, but we all know that it is a gambling league that plays golf.  The truth is we all love the game of golf. But we also believe that golf is more engaging when there is green involved, and we're not talking about the color of the grass.

Over the years, certain local public courses have gained favor in our group for our non-league "friendly" matches. There are a multitude of good options when it comes to public golf in Central Ohio, but we generally play on just a handful. These courses have earned our repeat business by delivering four important qualities, which are:

1. Condition. We like to play on well-maintained courses. This tends to minimize the ugly side of gambling on the golf course ... the bad lie in an old divot, the footprint lie in the green side bunker, the excessively long searches for errant shots in the heavy high high that should get cut down but don't because the course has cut back on their maintenance budget. We like for our games to be decided as much as possible by skill, or the lack thereof, not by luck, bad bounces or lost balls that only strayed 10 yards off the fairway. 

2. Pace of Play. We like action. Slow golf is the enemy when you are gambling, especially if you are down next month's car payment and the sun is setting. Faster play means more holes. More holes means more opportunity. Plus, you never know when you might have to squeeze in an "emergency nine," which is what the gambling golfer calls overtime.

3. Good Gambling Holes. We like holes that offer a chance to swashbuckle your way to a birdie, but deliver harsh consequences to the imprudent and/or overconfident gambling golfer. These are holes that require thought, strategy and nerve. In traditional golf parlance, these are known as risk/reward holes.

4. No Houses. When we gamble and golf, we like to do so privately. Having houses down both sides of the fairway tends to restrict certain freedoms, such as the freedom to swing hard without fear of taking out a bay window with an errant Titleist, the freedom to curse openly, and the freedom to engage in the taking of immediate relief (wink,wink, nudge, nudge).

Here is a list , in no particular order, of five Central Ohio courses that my gambling league of golfers frequents on a regular basis.

Champions  This Columbus Municipal course is not your typical public course. That's because it was built to be a private course, the original Winding Hollow Country Club. When the members decided to move their club to New Albany, the city took it over and it instantly became one of the jewels in the Columbus public golf scene. Originally opened as a nine hole course in the 1920's, the members brought in renowned architect Robert Trent Jones, Sr. to rework the layout and expand it to eighteen holes. This course screams "old school". It features tight fairways, small, undulating greens and lots of doglegs, all things not commonly found on modern public courses. What this course lacks in risk/reward holes it more than makes up by putting a premium on accuracy and shotmaking. There are no houses, but there are some apartment buildings that border parts of the course. They aren't in play, other than the interesting sounds that come from them occasionally. Like the ice cream truck that likes to drive in and around them throughout the summer. It's all part of the charm of the place.

Winding Hollow  Champions is the Old Old Winding Hollow. This is the New Old Winding Hollow. That's right, this is the course that the members of Winding Hollow Country Club moved to in New Albany. The move didn't work out too well for the members. Eventually, the club lost membership to other area clubs, in particular New Albany Country Club. The members sold the club and it is now operated as a public facility. Some confusion exists as to it's name. Originally, it went public under the name Tartan East Golf Club, then later changed to East Golf Club and eventually back to Winding Hollow. But there is nothing confusing about deciding to play here. This is arguably the best public facility in Central Ohio. Located less than a mile from the hallowed grounds of The Golf Club, architect Arthur Hills produced a layout more modern, but no less challenging than the original club the members vacated. The fairways are a little wider, the greens are a little larger and their are less doglegs. But it's longer. The 18th hole is one of the best finishing good gambling holes in Central Ohio,  a reachable par 5 with water along the right side of the green. No houses, no apartments, no signs of civilization. This is the course I take out-of-town friends to who want a good public golf challenge in Columbus. And they are never disappointed. This place is a great test. Just you, your golf ball, the course and your demons to duke it out.

  The Players Club at Foxfire  Foxfire was originally a 27 hole facility. In 1993 the "Silver" nine was combined with nine new holes and rerouted to form The Players Club. The result is a long, challenging layout that offers two distinct types of holes. Play starts on the first four holes of the old Silver layout, which was known as the tougher of the original three nine hole layouts, and features tight, tree-lined fairways. Holes 5 through 13, the newer holes, are open, links-style holes with few trees and more bunkering, and they are more susceptible to wind. Once you get to 14, you re-enter the old Silver layout and a stretch of holes not-so-affectionately known by names like The Coffin Corner, The Grove City Death March and Hell's Half Acre. Holes 14 and 15 are back-to-back par 5's that are tighter than a bull's ass during fly season. Hole 16 is a monster. The uphill par 4 plays even longer than the stated 434 from the blue tees. It's probably the toughest three hole stretch of holes in Central Ohio public golf. Lots of money changes hands on these holes. There are no houses on the old Silver holes, and only a few of the newer holes have houses on them. But that doesn't detract from the overall experience, which is a financial grindfest.

Clover Valley  if you're not in a hurry, the drive to Clover Valley is well worth it. Carved out of rolling meadows just outside of Johnstown is this well manicured gem with some of the slickest greens around. The layout is challenging and long, but the consistently good condition of the greens and the extremely reasonable price are the reasons we keep going back. That and the fact that it's just a fun course to play. There isn't a house or any other structure (other than the clubhouse) for as long as the eye can see. There's something to be said about escaping the city and taking the game out to the country. Let freedom ring.

  Riviera  Most Central Ohio golfers think that Riviera is a private club. It was, but not anymore. Hard economic times in the golf business forced the Riv to accept public play recently. In fact, the rumor is that the club has been sold and will be closed sometime in 2014, to be developed into another Dublin subdivision. What a shame. This course is a long, fair, fun test of golf and gambling skills. The fairways are tighter than they look, thanks to the well developed trees that line the course. But the action gets serious once you are on the fast, well-groomed greens that slope considerably from back to front. The dreaded three putt lurks everywhere, making for some serious and unexpected shifts in personal wealth. Do yourself a favor and play this course before it is too late.

Anybody want a $3 nassau with flying presses and $1 greenies, sandies and Arnies?

Greg May golfs, gambles and contributes to Pencilstorm. You can learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here. 

John McClain Doesn't Die and LeBron Won't Lose To the Pacers. I've Seen This Movie Before. Goodnight.

I'm not staying up for Heat vs Pacers game seven tonight. I've got to get up at 5:30 am tomorrow and though ESPN, talk radio and the NBA have tried to convince me otherwise, I know how this is going to end. As a scorned Cleveland fan, I desperately  want to believe the Pacers can pull the upset, but I'm not willing to bet 2 hours of sleep on it. The NBA is nothing if not predictable. The Heat will win in one of two ways: 1) Lebron just rolls the Pacers in the 3rd quarter.. 2) the much maligned "little two" convert some clutch plays in the final four minutes and the Heat roll on to an epic "old school  vs bird man school" made for TV final versus the Spurs.

I don't think tonight's Eastern conference final is fixed like say, the NBA draft*, but when it comes to game seven, the NBA storyline is as obvious as a blockbuster movie. LeBron James isn't going home any sooner than John McClain is getting killed in the next Diehard movie. I'm not talking X's and O's. The Pacers size and long defense hampering the Heat's three point shooters, Wade's balky knee....,Can LeBron carry the his new team the way he used to in Cleveland? blah blah blah. 

And a barefoot John McClain was surrounded by terrorists on a floor covered with broken glass.... 

Spoiler Alert!! Lebron wins and John McClain survives. The storyline is obvious. America hates a loser and more importantly so do the TV advertisers. And even more importantly, so does NBA Commish David Stern. It's over. Heat win game seven. Get some sleep and save it for the finals.

I will be checking the score tomorrow at 5:30am at Colin's Coffee and if for some crazy reason I am wrong, the first person to bust me out on facebook/twitter gets a $25 gift card to Colin's Coffee or  an auto graphed copy of "Hitless Wonder" sent to them next week. Have fun staying up to watch the end of Diehard again, suckers, I'm getting some Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Colin Gawel plays in Watershed and started Pencilstorm. He wrote this very quickly while his wife was frowning at him just before tip off of Heat vs Pacers game 7. Hit "About Pencilstorm/ contributors" for more info about him. He has to go now, his wife is getting really pissed because he hasn't finished cooking dinner or putting their nine year old son to bed.

What Can You Buy For $115,500,000? The All-Terrible Contract MLB Team for 2013

Hello. Colin here. Sitting around the coffee shop on this slow Memorial Day morning, my thoughts turned to baseball in general and more specifically: Why does any team ever sign a pitcher to a long term deal? 

Check out this starting five: for 2013:

Johan Santana  $25,500,000

Cliff Lee            $25,000,000

C.C. Sabathia     $23,000,000

Tim Lincecum   $22,000,000

Roy Halladay    $20,000,000

So what do you get for your $115,500,000 buy you in 2013 dollars?

A combined record of 14 wins and 14 losses. Yikes!  

Conversely, if you spend wisely, say a paltry $ 3,010,750 you could get 34 wins vs 3 losses.

Matt Harvey   $498,750        5-0

Matt Moore    $1,000,000     8-0

Patrick Corbin $494,000       8-0

Lance Lynn     $513,000        7-1

Mike Minor      $505,000      6-2              =    34 - 3

Ok, that's all from the coffee shop, customers starting to roll in.Happy Memorial Day! Watch some baseball and drink some beer why don't you?   Turning it over to Brian Phillips from here...

 The 2013 All Terrible Contract Team  by Brian Phillips

With the Cubs signing Anthony Rizzo to a long term deal recently we are reminded of baseball's new paradigm: Lock those key kids up long term. They aren't all going to work out, but over the long haul it saves money over giving former superstars who may or may not be as old as they say they are ten year deals.  

Catcher: Joe Maurer

$23 million a year ending in 2018 for a guy playing a high attrition position. I know he's a home town hero and he can hit, but there's no way he returns on that kind of dough. The contract keeps the small market Twins from addressing a host of other needs.... most notably pitchers who can reach at least 90 on the gun. 

First Base: Albert Pujols 

I'll give Pujols credit for trying to slog through with a nasty case of Plantar Fascitis. This isn't about his toughness. It's about how much money and how long this deal runs. He'll be somewhere between 43 and 60 when it's over. The Angels are a dumb organization and will languish under the weight of this and the Hamilton deals for years to come. 

Second Base: Robbie Cano 

Let me clarify.... This pertains to the contract the Yankees are going to give Cano. Make no mistake, Cano is a great player. That said though he's hired Jay Z's new firm to represent him, and the rapper will be looking to make a splash. Just watch... Cano will get 10 years from the Yanks because otherwise the Angels will give it to him.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez

I don't really have to explain this one do I? Instead I bring you this from The Onion Sports Network.  

Outfield:  Josh Hamilton

See "Swingers" story for more on Hamilton's free swinging ways. 

Outfield: Jason Werth. 

He looks like the Unibomber these days, probably hoping not to be recognized while out at Kroger. He need not worry. They don't care about bloated contracts in D.C. 

Outfield: Alfonso Soriano

Still another year to go after this one before the Cubs are finally rid of a deal they seemingly made during the Dot Com Era.  

Starting Pitcher: John Lackey

The Red Sox are paying this creep $16.5 mil a year through 2014. There is a 2015 club option though. Sure there is Lackey.

Relief Pitcher: Brandon League

The Dodgers gave this guy a three year/22 million dollar deal in the off season. He won't be the closer by July 1 the way things are going.  

At Home Feet Up: Chone Figgins 

 The Mariners are still paying on Figgins' four year deal. At last word he was released by the Marlins on March 28th. Miami owner Jeffrey Loria replaced him with a LeRoy Neiman painting of Brooks Robinson. 

Brian Phillips and Colin Gawel do all sorts of things and write for Pencilstorm. You can learn more by clicking here for our contributors page.

Swingers as in..To Swing. 2013 MLB So Far

As we watch the 2013 Major League season pass the 20 percent pole we are in need of a new name for hitters. Swingers? Sounds kinky, and there's nothing sexy about the approach we're seeing. I need not pound your brain with reams of mind numbing statistics. It's sufficient to know that dating back to last season, the past eight months of play are the highest eight strike out months in Major League history. (And the top two were September of 2012 and April of this year.) Why? We've entered a new golden age of pitchers for one. Guys are developing in some cases four or five pitches with themes and variations on each.

And stepping to the dish eager to help are a whole host of batters possessing the approach of the little league kid I saw this morning swinging at a pitch a foot above his head. He has an excuse... he's 9 years old and wants to hit a home run because home runs are cool. Josh Hamilton is 32 years old, and wants to hit a home run too. He has four so far, all against MLB's closest thing to a little league squad the Houston Astros. Again no need to bludgeon with stats. Just know that Hamilton is swinging at over 50% of the first pitches he sees.....It's killing him, and the Angels. Between Hamilton and .239 hitting Albert Pujols the Angels are as I write 14-22 and floundering in fourth place. To win the west they'll have to go at least 76-50 from here on out, and that's being optimistic.  

 Biggest Surprises:

The American League East isn't going at all how I thought. The Blue Jays have been terrible. Josh Johnson and Jose Reyes are both injured. Reigning NL Cy Young Award Winner R.A. Dickey has been anything but Cy Young worthy and is trying to pitch through a balky back. Toronto isn't hitting, and aren't pitching and they sit in the cellar. The Red Sox and Yankees meanwhile perch on top with the Orioles, a game separating all three. How New York has managed their start is beyond me. They've had to play Lyle Overbay at first base most days for crying out loud. Meanwhile the Sox have seen Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz reclaim their careers.   

While no one was paying attention, and while many of their games were being played in arctic conditions, the Twins have a winning record.

Matt Cain, David Price, and Stephen Strasburg are all among the starters struggling to get themselves going.  

Can't slam the Angels without taking the Dodgers to task. All their free spending has them buried in last place.  

After a dismal stretch that included a 2-4 mark against the Astros, my Mariners are nonetheless a half game out of second in the west.

 No Surprises

The Astros and Marlins are God awful, though I will say this. Houston at least competes most nights.  

The Braves and Cardinals are both in first place. Are there better run organizations in baseball? I don't think so.   

The Mets can't hit.  

Guys I Have On My Struggling Fantasy Team That I Don't Like

I have four teams this season, and three are doing fine. In my big dough league though things are rough. I'm languishing in 7th with an anemic offense. If you play the fantasy game a team like this sends you dumpster diving on the waiver wire trying to catch someone on a brief jag. To that end I have on my roster right now: 

Travis Hafner

Yunel Escober

James Loney

Loney looks like another Rays' scrap heap special. They squeezed a big season out of Casey Kotchman a few years back after all... Loney is currently hitting .375. Probably not for long.  

Escobar is an odious homophobic punk with a terrible attitude. Fantasy is a mercenary game sometimes. I ain't proud of it, but if it's any solace he'll probably stink.  

Hafner I've had for a few weeks. He started off hot, but has cooled significantly. Tribe fans still may not recognize him however because he's not on the DL.... yet....  

Also of note is a guy I added last night. Scott Kazmir was all but forgotten.... For whatever reason the 29 year old Cleveland hurler has rediscovered a heater topping out at 96. The difference being he's not walking anyone. Even when his arm was at it's most lithe he'd walk the house while you weren't looking. I'll keep a close eye for you.  

AND....

If you're a fan of pitching take some time to see the Mets' Matt Harvey. The 24 year old has all the weapons, and a bulldog competitive streak too. A good place to start is Harvey's outing against the White Sox. While warming up he developed a damned nose bleed he was so fired up. What followed was a one hit, no walk masterpiece marred only by a "bleeder" infield single. I have this guy on two fantasy teams and he ain't going anywhere.) 

 Brian Phillips is the daytime DJ for the legendary Independent Rock n Roll Blowtorch CD102.5 in Columbus,OH. He knows a thing or two about a thing or two.