The Browns Would Be Crazy Not to Hire Jim Tressel. by Colin G.

Jim Tressel should be the next head football coach of the Cleveland Browns. I know that at first blush it sounds crazy, but after a week of talking about it at the coffee shop, it occurred to me that hiring any of the other candidates is way crazier.

The Browns choices for head coach are:

A) A marginally successful assistant coach from an another NFL team or a former head coach who has already failed. The Browns are currently the laughingstock of the NFL and by firing their latest coach after just one year, have made themselves the least desirable job for any top-flight candidate looking for a new job.  Basically the Browns have their pick of scrubs, has been's and never will be's. 

or

B) A living legend with close ties to Northeast Ohio who bleeds for Cleveland. A man who won titles at Ohio State, Youngstown State and is currently a successful A.D. at Akron, not to mention his old man is also a legendary coaching figure from Baldwin Wallace. 

The Browns are a franchise in need of a face lift in the worst possible way and the hiring of Jim Tressel would make them instantly relevant again.  Maybe not nationally, but certainly where they need it most: with the Browns long-suffering fan base. Can you imagine the excitement when Coach Tressel would show up to accept the job in an orange sweater vest and proceed to give a tear-jerking speech about his respect for the tradition of Browns Football and his love for Northeast Ohio? I swear a riot might break out right then and there on the streets of Cleveland.

Can he do the job? For starters, being head football coach at Ohio State is way harder than coaching the Browns, so he should be prepared on that front. Ohio State has higher expectations, a bigger budget, more players, boosters, alumni, and an unhinged fan base. And, as we are well-aware, that pesky NCAA has a nasty habit of sniffing around asking about the starting QB's latest tattoo. You just don't get that kind of action/scrutiny in the National Football League. (see: Josh Gordon / Greg Little ) As an administrator I would say Jim Tressel is over-qualified to take on the Browns head coaching job. 

He would also bring some kind of football philosophy to the organization for the first time since Marty Schottenheimer was the coach. Whether you are a fan of "Tresselball" or not, he knows EXACTLY what he is trying to do and how he wants to win football games. Stout defense, good special teams and taking care of the football. Sounds like a pretty good fit for this particular Browns roster. 

Or, to put it another another way: If you were looking to hire somebody to run your company, which of the following names and resumes is the strongest? Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Terry Robiskie, Romeo Crennel, Eric Mangini, Pat Shurmur, Rob Chudzinski, or.......

Jim Tressel.

Seriously folks, it's a no brainer. Expectations on the North Coast have never been lower and there isn't a person on Earth who can convince me that Jim Tressel couldn't do at least as good of a job as the list of previous Browns coaches. It is a golden opportunity to inject some instant excitement into the fan base, with tons of upside and very little downside.

What's the worst that can happen, the Browns keep losing? 

I can live with that. I plead with the Browns front office to give Jim Tressel a shot. 

Colin Gawel wrote this at Colin's Coffee on a busy Saturday morning so if it isn't exactly perfect what of it?

Job Opening: Must Move To Cleveland

Job Opening: Looking for High Performing Leader – Must Move To Cleveland

Imagine you’re offered the position of CEO for a well-established brand. While it may not be with the company you want, it’s a position you dreamed about your whole life.  All your training and education has prepared you for this moment.

But before you say “YES!” to your new Board of Directors, the right synapses fire in your brain and you realize it’s best check with your wife first. You ask for 24 hours to consider the offer and then go home to consult with your significant other. “Honey,” she says, “Before we pick up the family and move to… {cough, cough}… Cleveland… can you do a little research about the company? See what you’re getting into?”

You apprehensively agree to your wife’s wishes, and you do a quick Internet search about the company. Here’s what you discover:

Their last CEO wasn’t even in the position for twelve months before they fired him for not reversing a five year trend of negative sales. They let one of their top new salesmen go this year with practically nothing to show for it and have had three new Chief Marketing Officers (their brand leaders) over the past year. In fact, during the past 14 years, they've had more than 20 new CMOs. During that same time, they've had six CEOs. You will be the seventh.  That’s a new CEO every two years.

They've only had TWO years of positive sales in the past 14 years.  They weren't even consecutive years. Also, the Chairman of the Board who owns a majority of the company is being investigated by the FBI for fraud for dealing with his business partners in another company.

The only good thing about the company is the customers are loyal. They will buy whatever product you sell, no matter how big the pile of crap is.

Knowing this, do you join the company?  Do you move your family across the country to lead this turd of a product?

Of course, I’m talking about the open head coaching position for the Cleveland Browns. You don’t have to be a sports fan to understand this is ridiculous job to take. Why would anyone on this earth would raise their hand and take the first plane to Cleveland Hopkins International Airport to lead this organization? I mean, come on, the fans actually call the stadium “The Factory of Sadness”.

I’m no Jimmy Haslam, but doesn't he know he’s not going to land a star head coach to lead the Browns? Maybe a coordinator from a mediocre team, or a head coach from a second tier college team may go for the job. But no one better than that.

But unfortunately, whoever they bring to Cleveland will go because of money. And that’s exactly what the Browns DON’T need right now. They need someone who wants to be there because they want to be with the Cleveland Browns. Someone who dreamed of that job, just like Meyer, Tressel, Bruce, and Hayes all dreamed of coaching the Buckeyes.  Because the next Browns coach needs to do more than produce results – they need to inspire. Inspire the players, the fans, and most importantly the city.

Because while we’re down here in Columbus complaining about one loss against Michigan State and how we lost a close one to Clemson in a major bowl game, our friends up in Cuyahoga are getting kicked while they are down.

Good luck, Cleveland. I wish you well.

Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He grew up in a blue collar suburb of Cleveland and is now lives in Upper Arlington, Ohio.

Pencil Storm Bowl Pick Em Show Down!

The Pencil Storm sports department assembled at Jed's in Hilliard Friday December 27th for its annual meeting. Over Fireballs (a house specialty) and cold pitchers of grog Editor-In-Chief Colin Gawel challenged drunk-in-residence Brian Phillips to a bowl game pick-em. 

The concept is simple. With alternating picks Gawel and Phillips were to select winners for all remaining bowl games out of that morning's Columbus Dispatch which happened to be laying on the bar. Both combatants are locked into the Vegas lines published December 27th. Each win is worth two dollars. Each man also selected the game giving them the most confidence. Those are worth an additional $2. The National Championship Game is being held as a tie breaker. That pick will come later. The stains on the page are real. Commentary will be added as time allows. 

December 27

The Military Bowl Presented By The Military Industrial Complex

Marshall -2 1/2 (Gawel) over Maryland (Phillips)

Phillips: Colin when President  Eisenhower warned us of the dangers of the military industrial complex he was likely speaking against just this sort of game. Who the fuck knows right? 

Gawel is out of the gate with an easy cover: Marshall 31-20.

The Texas Bowl Presented By Irritating Puffy Chested Texans

Minnesota -4 (Phillips) over Syracuse (Gawel)

Phillips: Colin your faith in the Big Ten is almost non existent. I like the Gophers defense a lot and they can run the ball half way decent. What the hell!

Update: So much for that: Syracuse 21 Minnesota 17

The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl Presented By Our Shitty Economy

Washington -3 1/2 (Gawel) over Brigham Young (Phillips)

Phillips: Thank you Colin for taking this one out of my hands. I'm a Wazzu Coug and can't possibly root for the Dawgs.

Update: Ugh... UW 31 BYU 16

Day One Totals: Gawel 3 Phillips 0

December 28

Pinstripe Bowl Presented By Robinson Cano

Notre Dame -14 (Phillips) over Rutgers (Gawel)

Phillips: I hate that number for obvious reasons. Gawel snagged this one before I got to it however. At this point I'm hoping for a blow out.

Update: Told you I hated that number. Notre Dame 29 Rutgers 16

Belk Bowl Presented By People Who Ask "What's A Belk?"

North Carolina -2 1/2 (Gawel) over Cincinnati (Phillips)

Phillips: This one jumped out at me.... I think the Heels are getting a bit too much respect owing to their frantic slog to 6-6 after beginning the year 1-5. U.C. meanwhile did notch some nice wins over bowl teams and took Louisville to overtime too. 

Update: What a crap pick on my part. North Carolina 39 Cincinnati 17. The Heels have a kid named Switzer from Charleston, WV by the way. Ran back a punt for a TD. Blazing speed. How did WVu not get him? 

Russell Athletic Bowl Presented By I Have A Russell Jersey Made In 1983

Louisville -3 1/2 (Gawel) over Miami (Phillips) 

Phillips: I'm hoping the Cardinals will be a bit underwhelmed with this bowl after losing out on a BCS bid. That's all I got. Colin snagged this one first and it could be among his smarter selections. 

Update: Louisville 36 Miami 9. The story line in this one was that all the kids on the field played against each other in high school down in Miami. I guess all the good ones went north. No way Teddy Bridgewater comes back to UL after this one. 35-45 447 yards, 3 TDS, No picks.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl Presented By I Want Some Wings Right Now

Kansas State -4 1/2 (Phillips) over Michigan (Gawel)

Phillips: I see the humor in Gawel having to root for Michigan of course. Taking the Wildcats was pretty easy after learning UM would have to start a true freshman.

Update: Thank God. K-State 31 Michigan 14. Nice players on KSU's side. I like the quarterback Waters a lot. Nice arm, great poise. Can run when he has to. Tyler Lockett is a pro prospect at wide receiver no question. Michigan? Last night was the same old story. They can't run the ball. The freshman wasn't horrible, but not ready to make any difference either. Their d-coordinator is supposed to be brilliant, but they didn't look that great last night... not as bad as against OSU mind you, but not great. Hoke really hasn't moved the needle up north much at all. 

Two Day Total: Gawel 5 Phillips 1. Blech.

Monday December 30

Armed Forces Bowl Presented By It Would Be Cool To Have A Helicopter

Navy -6 1/2 (Phillips) over Middle Tennessee State (Gawel)

Phillips: I'll be honest, I  don't know squat about these two teams. Navy runs the ball a lot and MTSU is in the middle of Tennessee. I took Navy because 6 1/2 is a much more humane number than 7. 

Update: Navy 24 MTSU 6. Yeah see I told you so. 

The Music City Bowl Brought To You By Underwater Mortgages

Ole Miss -3 (Gawel) over Georgia Tech (Phillips)

Phillips: Nice snag by Colin. When in doubt take the SEC team over the ACC team. (Not so sure about this logic for the National Championship however.)

Update: Ole Miss 25 Georgia Tech 17. Crap.

The I've Never Been To A Valero Station Alamo Bowl

Oregon -13 1/2 (Gawel) over Texas (Phillips)

Phillips: My logic here such as it is.... In Mac Brown's final game surely the Horns can cover against a bored Oregon team. 

Update: Oregon 30 Texas 7. Bloody hell! Did they ever like Mac Brown? Nice way to show it losers.

The National University? Holiday Bowl

Arizona State -14 (Phillips) over Texas Tech (Gawel)

Phillips: As I remember it sitting at the bar December 27th I avoided this one for as long as I could hating that number. It wouldn't surprise me a lick to see ASU easily beat the 14 though.

Update Texas Tech 37 Arizona State 23. Biggest upset of the bowl season thus far. ASU fell way behind and just never bothered to get moving. After a very nice season the Devils shit down their leg in the Pac 12 Championship and this one. 

Three Day Total: Gawel 8 Phillips 2. This needs to turn around in a hurry. 

Tuesday December 31

The This Used To Be The Poulan Weedeater Now It's Something Called Advocare V100 Bowl

Arizona -7 1/2 (Gawel) over Boston College (Phillips)

Phillips: Good luck figuring out  Dick Rod's 2013 Arizona Wildcats. Down the stretch they lost at home to WSU, clobbered Oregon, and then got blasted in their rival game by ASU 58-21. My thinking here is that when the players figure out they are not in New Orleans they're going to become bored and depressed. 

Update: Arizona 42 Boston College 19. Another ACC squad.... This is beginning to bode poorly for FSU. 

The How Do You Spell Hyundai Sun Bowl

UCLA -7 (Phillips) over Virginia Tech (Gawel)

Phillips: I saw UCLA quite a lot this year. Quarterback Brett Hundley is darn good, and two way threat Miles Jack is perhaps the nation's most intriguing freshman. I have no problem laying a normally problematic 7 here. 

Update: UCLA 42 Virginia Tech 12. Finally a satisfying result! And another turd for the ACC. They now sit at 2-5.

The Autozone Has Lots Of Parts And I Have No Idea How To Install Them Even With Their Advice Liberty Bowl

Mississippi State -7 (Phillips) over Rice (Gawel)

Phillips: Another 7 I don't worry about. MSU played a tough SEC schedule, and I'm not entirely certain what conference Rice is in at this point. I think it's Conference USA. Good for them. 

Update: MSU 44 Rice 7. Two in a row! Look out!

The I'm Not Saying Their Name Because Of Their Stance On Same Sex Marriage Bowl

Texas A&M -12 (Phillips) over Duke (Gawel)

Phillips: God bless Duke they've had a great year, but this is probably out of their league. 

Update: A&M 52 Duke 48. I don't want to hear any more about the SEC playing defense. Woeful effort on that side of the ball. Johnny Football was a star in what will likely be his final game, but it wasn't enough for me. 

Four Day Total: Gawel 10 Phillips 4

Wednesday January 1

The Slayer Bowl

Georgia -9 (Gawel) over Nebraska (Phillips)

Phillips: Colin snatched this one up as eagerly as a heaping fork full of Jed's Fireballs. He has no respect for the Huskers and who can blame him after their season ending lack of effort at home against Iowa. 

Update: Nebraska 24 Georgia 19. In retrospect the Bulldogs going without Murray makes that -9 look goofy. I'll take it. 

The They Killed JFK In The Heart Of Dallas Bowl

North Texas -6 1/2 (Gawel) over UNLV (Phillips)

Phillips: Just as Jerry Jones uses his immense power to get this Cowboys Stadium dog on New Years Day so he uses his power to keep Jason Garrett employed. This was I believe the last game selected and only then because we were out of beer. Ok we were only out of beer for a few moments. 

Update: North Texas 36 UNLV 14. Seriously you could comb the earth and not find one person who watched this game. 

This Used To Be The Tangerine Bowl Only No One Remembers Bowl

Wisconsin -1  1/2 (Gawel) over South Carolina (Phillips)

Phillips: It's probably just my diseased mind, but this might be the most tantalizing line of the entire bowl season. Conor Shaw is a nice quarterback. That Clowney guy might knock someone's head off again. What's not to like.

Update: South Carolina 34 Wisconsin 24. Here's to a diseased mind!

The Bloomin Onion Bowl

LSU -7 (Colin) Over Iowa (Phillips)

Phillips: This is another one Gawel jumped on like a starving dog on a steak. I can see it. Iowa is just so..... Iowa.

Update: LSU 21 Iowa 14. Les Miles' Tigers played it Big Ten style and gave us our first push of the competition. 

The Rose Bowl Shouldn't Be Presented By Anyone

Stanford -5 1/2 (Gawel) over Michigan State (Phillips)

Phillips: Gawel's lack of respect for his own Big Ten is becoming a trend. I like that number for Stanford and am regretting not getting it for myself.

Update: Michigan State 24 Stanford 20. I watched the whole game and came away with even more respect for Dantonio's Spartans. This team is a disappointing early season loss to Notre Dame away from playing in the national championship.... And I'd pick them if they were. 

This Is The Final BCS Bowl Stuck With The Regional School No One Gives A Crap About Fiesta Bowl

Baylor - 16 1/2 (Phillips) over Central Florida (Gawel)

Phillips: Well shit. Something deep within tells me that number is way too high. Who knows right. This is probably a nice snag by Colin.

Update: UCF 52 Baylor 42. George O'Leary got caught lying to get the Notre Dame job once, but in the end things worked out well... Which isn't a good lesson for children I suppose. Speaking of children I missed this game because I had been hogging the TV at the vacation cottage we rented for a few days and my 12 year old wanted to watch this awful show called "Dance Moms." It features these hideous mothers and the fascistic woman who teaches their terrified children how to dance. The teacher hates these poor girls and their mothers live vicariously through them. I weep for their futures, which likely include teen pregnancy.

Five Day Total: Gawel 12 Phillips 7 (One Draw)

Thursday January 2

The Corn Syrup Bowl

Alabama -15 (Phillips) over Oklahoma (Gawel)

Phillips: I have no problem picking against Big Game Bob and laying the 15 to do it. No one sucks more in important games than Bob Stoops. Hell I'll give Colin another TD! Yee Haw Boomer Sooner.

Update: I'm an idiot. That is all.

Six Day Total: Gawel 13 Phillips 7 (One Draw)

Friday January 3

Another Credit Card With A Bowl Game Offer

Ohio State -2 1/2 (Gawel) over Clemson (Phillips)

Phillips: I didn't pick this one first as I wanted Colin to. What am I going to do let the OSU grad root against his beloved Bucks? I am human. That said I'm beginning to have my doubts. With Roby (injury) and Spence (suspension) out an already suspect Ohio State defense looks even more shaky. That said I'm not rooting for Clemson. I hope Ohio State wins by 2 or less!

Update: Clemson 40 Ohio State 35. I take no pleasure in this win. Clemson really tried to give this away, Ohio State just tried a bit harder. Also Miller was hurt the entire time. 

The Cotton Bowl Is Not Played In The Cotton Bowl Cotton Bowl

Missouri -1 (Phillips) over Oklahoma State (Gawel)

Phillips: Pretty simple. When in doubt I'll take the SEC squad giving a mere 1. 

Update: I didn't watch much of this owing to Ohio State being on.... Crazy finish.... 24-17 in the fourth. That was enough. 

Seven Day Total: Gawel 13 Phillips 9 (one draw)

Saturday January 4

The... What? BBVA Compass Bowl? I Think It's A Bank In Alabama

Vanderbilt -2 1/2 (Phillips) over Houston (Gawel)

Phillips: James Franklin has done a remarkable job at Vanderbilt, which is for lack of a better comparison, the Stanford of the SEC... Which is to say it's the only school in the SEC you can't enroll any prospect with a pulse. The question for Coach Franklin is whether or not to cash in.... and where to cash in.... I don't have an answer. I think he should stay. Great school, cool town. You'll always be appreciated. 

Update: Vanderbilt 41 Houston 24. Vandy 9-4. Tennessee 5-7. 

Eight Day Total: Gawel 13 Phillips 10 (one draw)

Sunday January 5

The Danica Patrick Implied Breast Godaddy.com Bowl

Ball State -8 /12 (Phillips) over Arkansas State (Gawel)

Phillips: Ah yes... After a solid two days of heart stopping NFL Wild Card Action (and the stupid Bengals) we have this.... I'm not even sure what this is... Poor ASU has lost their head coach to a better program for four straight seasons now. Hell  last year's Arkansas State Godaddy.com Bowl winning coach Gus Malzahn is coaching Auburn in the title game this year.  What does it all mean? I have no stinking clue and as I remember it this one sat on the bar for a long time. Anyway I'm on a jag here and can't stop now. Go Cardinals! 

Update: Arkansas State 23 Ball State 20. Bloody hell.

Final Total: Gawel 14 Phillips 10 (one draw)

We didn't need to pick the national title game after all, which in retrospect seems anti-climatic. That happens. I owe Colin $8. I will probably settle up in beer. As it should be.

Hitler Talking About Michigan vs K State In the BW3 Bowl. Essential Viewing.

If you are the sensitive sort, this clip may not be for you. (don't bother commenting, Hassler) However, if you are the opposite of that sort, you are sure to enjoy this video of Hitler making fat jokes about Brady Hoke and Michigan football. Please pass on to like minded individuals. Pure hilarity. 

Click here for more high art from the brilliant twisted mind of Lou Brutus.

Adolf Hitler in his bunker, contemplating a Michigan Wolverine defeat by Kansas State in the 2013 Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl. He then lashes out at Michigan coach Brady Hoke and the Wolverine inability to defeat Ohio State. This video is part of the "Why We Fight the Wolverines" series by the Dead Schembechlers.

High-Speed Rail to Defeat Conestoga Wagon For Big Ten Title by Colin Gawel

The bad news first: Buckeye fans are, by and large, a horde of insufferable, whiny blowhards. I should know, I am a huge Buckeye fan. Even in the midst of the longest winning streak in school history we either:  A) Complain about how our defense sucks, we should fire Luke Fickell and we were lucky to win, or B) Complain that the media doesn't give our team its just due, Mark May should be fired, and we deserve the #1 ranking over those borderline rapists from FSU.

Which is it Buckeye Fans? Should we fire Luke Fickell or try to get Mark May terminated? You have to pick one guy or the other. Can't have it both ways, so whose side are you on?  

While you ponder that mental puzzle, I will give you the good news: The Buckeyes are going to beat MSU this weekend in Indianapolis and advance to the BCS title game in Pasadena. And don't worry about Auburn jumping us if we win. There is this thing called "math" (which most of us OSU graduates managed to avoid entirely during college) and it works in our favor. So come this Saturday when we beat Sparty, the Bucks are a mortal lock for the big dance. Don't let the talking heads fool you. All you need to know is this:

Numbers + numbers = Buckeyes. Done deal.

"But what about Michigan State? Don't take them for granted."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a little nervous too, after squeaking by Michigan and then immediately reading a bunch of shit-talk from a rightfully salty MSU team. "We should have beat them last year...," "This is our time...," Coach Dantonio, "We are coming for your ass" "We aren't planning on losing....," blah-blah-blah.

But after a couple of days' reflection it occurred to me that as much as I love and respect Tresselball - as implemented by his protege Mark Dantonio -  it's day has come and gone. Much like Nate Silver accurately predicting the last Presidential election months before the results*, there is this train called "progress" and it is rolling down the tracks. Urbanball isn't going to be slowed by a group of three-star recruits who have won playing field-position football against a ledger of unranked opponents. This style may work against the rest of the Big Ten but OSU isn't your grandaddy's Big Ten Team, particularly inside the climate-controlled confines of the new Hoosier Dome. (Or whatever it's called.)

I'm sure MSU would love us to join them in the mudpit for an old school wrestling match, but it ain't gonna happen this Saturday on artificial turf. Have fun playing old school, Sparty suckers, let us know how that works out for you. OSU Offensive Coordinator Tom "Mensa Is My Middle Name" Herman is a smart guy (duh), some might even say a progressive thinker when it comes to football. He is going to go around the strength of the Sparty defense riding Braxton's underrated passing until it is time for Carlos Hyde to deliver the knockout blow. 

Granted, this is the biggest game in the history of Michigan State Football. They are motivated, salty, and they want some. Well, lucky for them they are going to get some, and then some. This match-up is a Conestoga wagon vs. high-speed rail. Neither exists in America presently, but one soon will. 

Take High-Speed Rail over Conestoga Wagon and give the points (5 1/2)

Colin Gawel plays in the band Watershed and writes for Pencilstorm. As thanks for his advice, you gambling types can buy him a beer at the Bluestone on Sunday, Dec 15th and/or Woodland's Monday, Dec 23rd.

*Speaking of whiny blowhards, I know all of you political types get all sensitive when the subject of politics come up, but the Nate Silver reference wasn't meant to offend or take a left wing/right wing side, just that he had the numbers to predict who would win the election months in advance. It was a lock. The TV-news network talking heads still have to keep you watching, so they keep the drama up 24/7, numbers be damned. Election coverage and BCS coverage are the same animal, no matter who you are rooting for.

Throwing Fat On The Hot Stove Fire by Brian Phillips

It's not even the winter meetings yet and players are flying all over the place. Let's try to get a quick handle on a very active early hot stove season. 

Jacoby Ellsbury Reportedly To Yanks

Pending a physical, the now ex-Red Sox outfielder heads to the Bronx at a reported seven years and $153 million. Ellsbury is a nice player and should see a power jump in tiny Yankee Stadium. That said, he's never hitting 32 home runs (2011) again. Seven years is long contract for a 31 year old, and one wonders if Scott Boras has once again talked someone into negotiating with themselves. 

Ellsbury's signing might cast doubt on the return of Robinson Cano, but if they could talk him down on the years a bit... The Yankees need to improve their rotation as well. Lots of moving parts here... and lots of money. If the Boss were still alive this would already be sorted, right?

(Also I should note that the Yankees inking former Braves catcher Brian McCann last week is a no-brainer. Instant vast improvement over the sad sacks they had behind the dish in 2013.)

Mariners/Cano Use Each Other. It's Sad Really

The Tweets came fast and furious Tuesday afternoon from the Pacific Northwest. "Mariners all in on Cano" etc. This is utter bullshit. Cano needs someone to feign interest in signing him for the 7 or 8 or 10 years he's demanding from the Yanks and the Mariners need to look like they're doing something. Hopefully the dopes in the front office are at least aware that Cano is in on the gag. I don't think it's at all coincidental that this pops up the day after the Seahawks plastered the Saints on Monday Night Football. No one is talking about the Mariners in Seattle.

Wednesday some muscle was added to this skeleton with reports Cano had stopped over in Seattle for the big sales push. They should have brought him in Monday so he could see the Seahawks. At least he would have had a good time.

Whoever this guy is put it pretty well: 

Brandon Jacobs ‏@brandon_jacobz1h

Yankees will end up with Cano. You don't sign with Jay-Z to go play in Seattle and endorse raincoats.

The raincoat line is predictable, but the sentiment is probably smart. Jay-Z isn't going to see his first major sports client sign with the Seattle Mariners. No way.

(The other day I was laughing at my team when I learned the M's had brought back 36 year old utility infielder Willie Bloomquist at two years and $5.3 million. As one analyst put it to me via Twitter on Monday (to paraphrase) 'Bloomquist is a not-good version of Nick Punto.' Can't wait for the bobblehead night!)

Meanwhile in Oakland 

It's never dull watching the Athletics. While you were stuffing your pie hole and watching college football over the weekend GM Billy Beane was working on reinventing his bullpen. This week Oakland traded failed first round second baseman Jemile Weeks to the Orioles for closer Jim Johnson and then Tuesday shipped fourth outfielder Seth Smith to San Diego for set-up man Luke Gregerson. 

With Beane you have to think several steps ahead. Mr. Moneyball doesn't give a crap about closers. He let the effective Grant Balfour walk this off season because Balfour wanted more dough. Beane knows it doesn't matter who closes as long as he's not paying him a lot and the guy is good at his job. Sure Johnson is going to pull $6.5 million this year and his middling strike-out rate makes me wonder, but I'm guessing Beane wouldn't be adverse to flipping him. The 9th inning ball could then go to the effective Gregerson or holdover Ryan Cooke, for that matter. Bottom line: Johnson won't be in Oakland beyond 2014. 

An intriguing signing out in the East Bay came over the weekend when the A's gave resurrected starter Scott Kazmir two years and 22 million bucks. This is huge risk for Oakland at that price. Kazmir was out of baseball not that long ago, and while he enjoyed a nice rebound in velocity with Cleveland last year, I'd be a bit hesitant to commit that much money. I'm going to assume they've done their homework, however, because the A's don't make a habit of doing stupid things. Look for Oakland to intensify efforts to trade lefty Brett Anderson now. I love this kid's arm, but he just can't stay healthy. 

Motown Makeover

Fascinating what's gone down in Detroit of late. First Prince Fielder got shipped to Texas for second baseman Ian Kinsler and then Tuesday starter Doug Fister was traded to Washington for infielder Steve Lombardozzi and a couple of relievers. The Tigers finished the day by finally signing the closer they couldn't find last year in ex-Ranger and Twin Joe Nathan. 

I'm not really sure what the end-game is in Detroit, as I keep hearing the Tigers are shopping Cy Young award winner Max Scherzer as well. Scherzer's deal is up after 2014 and he's going to command a huge payday. 

Elsewhere

In a three-team deal the Rays acquired catcher Ryan Hanigan from the Reds and reliever Heath Bell from Arizona. Hanigan is the kind of well-regarded defensive player Tampa Bay covets. He can throw out runners and frame those pitches. Hanigan is a better hitter than he showed last year, too. Bell meanwhile seems washed up, but after the 2012 the Rays squeezed out of Fernando Rodney I'm going to give it time. 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria showed baseball he's not the tightwad portrayed in the media, signing Red Sox catcher Jarod Saltalamacchia to a 3 year, 21 million dollar pact. After all, those extra jersey letters ain't free! 

The Sox countered with another hard-to-spell signing, inking veteran A.J. Pierzynski to a one year deal. Combining A.J. with solid veteran back up David Ross gives the Sox a nice backstop situation for the year. 

Wednesday, news broke that Colorado was nearing a pact with Justin Morneau. I love this pairing. Morneau's value just went up in fantasy drafts. Expect to see a long-awaited power rebound for the once robust Morneau.

And earlier this week those Rockies shipped speedy outfielder Dexter Fowler to the Astros for pitcher Jordan Lyles and outfielder Brandon Barnes. Houston may have gotten themselves a nice steal here. Fowler saw a dip in batting average in 2013, but his peripheral numbers held up pretty well for the most part. Barnes isn't a prospect and Lyles better improve his ground ball rate or he's going to get killed even worse than he did in Houston. 

Brian Phillips is a DJ at CD102.5 in Columbus, Ohio. He knows a thing or two about a thing or two.