Big Ten Network Fumbles National Signing Day Again. - by Colin G.

Just to get you non-sports fanatics up to speed, "National Signing Day" is the day when grown men get very excited about teenage boys choosing which university they will be playing football at for the next 4 (or 5) years. It's the NCAA version of the NFL draft and, like its professional bedfellow, an entire industry has grown up around it, filled with websites and pundits ranking which program got the best players and so forth. 

It's just the sort of thing that major football geeks care about. And I should know. Just this week at Colin's Coffee I asked aloud, "Any news on Jamarco?" and numerous regulars would give me the latest news, "Jamarco" being four-star offensive tackle Jamarco Jones who was deciding between OSU and MSU for his gridiron services. Today on National Signing Day, he picked Ohio State of the Big Ten Conference.

The Big Ten also happens to have its very own cable sports channel that is devoted to covering Big Ten sports 24/7, 365 livelong days of the year. If that seems like WAY too much time spent covering 14 college sports programs, you are right, it is. The programming is very thin. That is why I find it so perplexing that on National Signing Day, a channel that has too much time and too little content gives said National Signing Day a mere ninety minutes of airtime. To put this in perspective, on the same day it gave a replay of the Indiana vs Minnesota wrestling match a full two hours of coverage. I mean, if somebody is a big enough fan of the Big Ten to watch replays of wrestling matches, it stands to reason they might enjoy real time coverage of National Signing Day. I would also like to add that ESPN gives signing day coverage for 12 straight hours on ESPNU and top of the hour updates on their flagship program Sportscenter. I can hear Mel Kiper and Kirk Herbstreit chirping about it now from the other room as I write this.

So, I beg to wonder why a sports channel devoted entirely to college sports doesn't cover one of its most popular events with all-day coverage in lieu of replays of events nobody cares about anyway. Put two dudes behind a desk and let it rip.....Who is signing where? Who has the best class? Is it better than last year's class? What about the SEC? The Pac Ten? That new Gophers running back sure looks good, here is a clip.....

Sure it's mindless chatter, but isn't that the whole point of any cable channel? The Big Ten Network can show replays the other 364 days of the year, so why not treat us geeks to some Signing Day coverage that we actually might care about in real time, the day it happens?

The ratings can't be any lower, can they? 

Whatever.

Colin Gawel better get back to his life. He blasted this out very quickly and if it isn't up to standards you should visit Grantland. You can learn more about him and the other Pencilstorm  contributors by clicking here.

Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler with Five Obnoxious Super Bowl Predictions

Pencil Storm contributor and recent divorcee Jeff Hassler and I are joining together to make Five Obnoxious Predictions for Super Bowl 48. I'll be laying it out from a Seahawks' perspective, Hassler the Broncos. We will not, however, be watching the game together. The man has many irritating qualities: his love of Bon Jovi, his passive-aggressiveness, his shameless bandwagon-hopping.... (he's a Yankee fan. I need not say more). Seattle's pending World Championship will bring many satisfactions. One of those will be the joy of Hassler being wrong.

My job is easier, I suppose, as America seems to already find my Seahawks.....shall we say, off-putting. That said, having America hate you is way more satisfying than losing. Suck it, Hassler. Oh, that feels good.   

Five Obnoxious Seahawks Predictions

1. Peyton Manning will be sacked at  least four times. He'll be hurried, harried, and flummoxed. He'll throw two interceptions. He'll be seeing Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett in his nightmares.

2. Russell Wilson will make at least two game changing throws, one for a touchdown, and pick up at least two vital third downs with his legs. He will end the game with a higher QB rating than Peyton Manning and win Super Bowl MVP.

3. Peyton Manning will think he has Demaryius Thomas open for a big gain on third and long. Richard Sherman will have carefully studied hours of film and figured out how to bait the future Hall of Famer into throwing it exactly where he wants it. Sherman will make a leaping pick, return it for a touchdown and then taunt Thomas, Manning, the entire crowd and the billions watching around the world. His jersey sales will spike again. Erin Andrews will make a mental note to ask Sherman about the play immediately after the game.

4. The Seahawks gave up 15 punt return yards.... the entire season.... With the Broncos down by three in the fourth quarter teeny tiny Trendon Holliday will make a fatal mistake, deciding against a fair catch inside the 20 on another cloud-level punt by proud Canadian Jon Ryan. Gunner Jeremy Lane will blast Holliday and fifth string wide receiver Ricardo Lockettte will recover his fumble. I will throw my beer in the air, run around the living room, and my family will flee upstairs. (This will have probably happened earlier in the day. Perhaps during the pregame.)

5. Following the Holliday fumble Marshawn Lynch will rumble 18 yards for a game-icing touchdown. Richard Sherman will stand on the bench waving a Super Bowl 48 towel in the air screaming Erin Andrews' name. 

Final Score: Seahawks 30 Broncos 20

Five Obnoxious Bronco's Predictions by Jeff Hassler

1) Brian, EVERYBODY loves Payton Manning except you. Not only is he the greatest quarterback of ALL TIME, he is a regular guy, just like you and me. Well, maybe not you, but a regular guy like me. He is the kind of guy who just likes to play video games and knock back a couple Bud lights. Hang out with the fellas. And his little bro Eli.

2) Payton Manning has class, unlike some Seahawks I could name. One time, my ex-wife Kim and I ran into Payton and some of his buddies at a bar in Indianapolis while we were visiting for the Big Ten basketball tournament. He was SO COOL! He bought us jello shots and even let Kim get a picture with her sitting on his lap. And later when i wasn't feeling so great and had to turn in early, (too many shots- long story!) he even gave Kim a lift back to our hotel room. What a guy! She wore a Payton Manning jersey to bed almost every night after that up until our divorce. I wonder if she still wears it now living with Russ.

3) You Seattle fans are even more bitter than Browns fans. You guys always rag on me out at the bars for being a Yankee fan, but at least New York doesn't lose their franchises all the time. Heck, they even stole the Nets from New Jersey. That is because New York City has loyal sports fans, unlike Seattle and Cleveland. Maybe fans from those cities should quit pointing the finger of blame at ownership for losing the Sonics and Browns and realize that if the fans had been willing to support the team with a new arena/stadium the teams may have never left. Sports is a business after all, and I for one don't blame management for trying to maximize their profit, I blame lazy fans for not doing their part to help. 

4) Why can't Richard Sherman act more like Greg Maddux? Seriously, you never saw Greg Maddux screaming down opponents after a big strike out and he is one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Yet, Richard Sherman for some reason feels like he has to shout from the rooftops every time he deflects a pass in the end zone. He is a really good player and  since he went to Stanford I agree he isn't technically a "thug" (though he looks like one), but next time he makes a big play and before he starts running his mouth he should ask himself, "What would the Professor Greg Maddux do?" Just sayin' .

5) Sherman won't  get the chance to run his mouth this week because Wes Welker is going to SCHOOL him. Payton Manning and Wes Welker are going to light up the Seahawks defense and give them a big dose of Bronco's humble pie. Manning and Welker aren't just going to win because of precise route running, sure hands and intelligent play calling. No, they are going to win because something much more important than strategy: it called "CLASS." Those two play the game the way it is supposed to be played, like the great Johnny Unitas. In my book, CLASS is way more important than 40 yd. times or Pro Bowl recognition. How many rings did Randy Moss win? Exactly.

Sorry Brian, Broncos 37    Seahawks 16     Manning and Welker are co - MVPs

Jeff can reached at jeffwonthassleryou@gmail.com. Learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here.

Weep For My Family. It's The NFC Championship Game

(Editor's note: Brian Phillips grew up in the Olympic Peninsula town of Port Angeles, Washington. He's followed the Seattle Seahawks since their 1976 inception. He attended the Hawks first win ever, a last second 17-16  pre-season thriller over the San Diego Chargers. His childhood heroes were Jim Zorn and Steve Largent. His first  paid radio job involved plugging in local commercials  during Seahawks broadcasts at KQQQ in Pullman, Washington. Living in Ohio has not dulled his Hawk passion. Don't ask him about the 12th Man, or Beast Mode, or 'You Mad Bro' or any of that shit unless you like getting spittle on your face. )

As my Seahawks have continued on their inexorable march to this evening's NFC Championship Game friends have been checking in to see where I'm watching. I've had no answer. Home seems the safest option. My wife and daughters have grown to accept my frothing. I'm sure it's not easy. Whenever I see this commercial I'm filled with fear that I am this guy:

The Bier Stube across from the campus Gateway is owned by a Seahawk fan for crying out loud. I could go there, but he's trying to run a business. I don't want to scare away the regulars. 

My buddy Nick is always understanding, but he's a Patriots' fan. What if the Pats lose? He'll be in no mood for my nonsense. I watched this game with him in 2012. I thought he was going to brain me with his shoe.

The issue of course is that when it comes to the Seahawks I am reduced to some sort of feral or childlike state. This play from last week's Saints game had me baying at the moon:

It's best that I separate myself from the herd and watch alone save for any member of my family crazed enough to join me. We know 49ers/Seahawks will be one for the ages. I should probably wear a helmet myself. 

My picks:

Seahawks 20 49ers 17

The other game:

(This one is actually a lot harder to pick. The weather won't be a factor... 61 and sun in Denver today if you can believe that. The conditions should be sufficient for Manning to do what he does)

Broncos 38 Pats 34

Why Wouldn't Bonds and Clemens Pay Sportswriters for Favorable Coverage? by Colin G.

Last week as the Baseball Hall of Fame ballots were being revealed I couldn't help noticing that some writers around the country and, most importantly, on ESPN were taking a decidedly softer stance on allowing PED (Performance Enhancing Drugs, for the non-juiced layman) users into the Hall of Fame than in past years. When referring to known abusers like Bonds and Clemens they would say things like "players who have been linked to steroid use.." and then just lump those two in with players like Jeff Bagwell and Mike Piazza who have never been found in a growth-hormone clinic ledger by the FBI or had a tainted syringe with their DNA on it associated with them. For anybody who has done even remedial research, Clemens and Bonds are guilty of systematic steroid abuse over a long period of time. Period. Case closed. Bagwell and Piazza are guilty of nothing but Popeye forearms and some back acne. Big difference.

What really jumped out at me is when one reporter on ESPN said, "Lots of people have been calling for reforming the process for how people vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame" Really? I'm a big baseball fan and I don't recall "lots" of  people calling for reforming the voting process for the HOF. Certainly not enough to warrant a lead story on Sportscenter with the NFL playoffs in full swing.

Then it hit me: what do powerful people and corporations do when they are found guilty of breaking the rules and therefore have trouble getting what they want? They hire lobbyists to alter the public dialogue and then simply CHANGE THE RULES to their advantage. Powerful people changing the rules is as American as apple pie and a shoddy heath care system. It is the way of the world. Why would the Baseball Hall of Fame be any different than Wall Street or Washington, DC? Or rock n roll for that matter. Remember when Rolling Stone magazine gave Mick Jagger's totally unlistenable solo record "Goddess in the Doorway", FIVE STARS?!? Yeah, nothing fishy there.......

Certainly Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds would have the motivation, the ego and the means to get a couple of known sportswriters in their back pocket to lobby on their behalf.  Successful athletes are made of money and not used to taking "No" for an answer. (See: every successful athlete.) $50,000 would go a long way for a sportswriter and, let's be frank, many people who cover sports are jock sniffers of the highest order in the first place. They would be honored to come on board and help out. I mean, congressmen were asking Clemens for his autograph before his ill-fated testimony on Capitol Hill. (Which dumb jock Roger Dodger requested and got as a favor.)

Unlike greasing a politician's palm, I'm pretty sure this would all be legal, if not exactly ethical. Who cares if  Barry wires some cash to a sportswriter in Miami, chalks it up to a consulting fee, and said writer then makes a big stink about the injustice of it all: "Oh the humanity, this is a joke. Bonds and Clemons and all the PED guys are getting a raw deal. I'll just give my vote away." Sounds like a well thought-out public relations strategy to me.

I guess we could just let everybody in, steroids be damned, but I just can't see assholes like Bonds and Clemens standing at Cooperstown making an acceptance speech still claiming they never used performance enhancing drugs, thus treating all us fans, fellow players and legit Hall of Famers such as Maddox, Glavine and Thomas like a bunch of f-ing jerks (as they say in "Goodfellas").  

And while I'm at it, Buster Olmey complaining that TEN votes aren't enough for him on his ballot is beyond absurd. Prioritize, MOFO. Didn't this nerd ever have to make a mix tape or a playlist? There just isn't room for everybody.  If Buster had it his way, seventeen players would all go into the Baseball Hall of Fame this August because that is how many he wanted to vote for on his ballot. Reminds me of the scene in Princess Bride were Prince Humperdink doubles the guards outside the castle.  Just silly. The induction ceremonies might look something like this..  

OK, Buster, if we are going to change the voting process for the Baseball Hall of Fame I have one minor request: please give Pencilstorm a vote. Here is my ballot, and I don't need ten......

Greg Maddux, Craig Biggo, Frank Thomas, Tom Glavine, Jeff Bagwell, Tim Raines.

Everybody else waits another year, particularly those lying dicks Bonds and Clemens. Though I suppose I could be persuaded to change positions in time for 2015, wink wink, nudge nudge. (This space available…..for a price.)

Colin Gawel owns Colin's Coffee,  writes for Pencilstorm, plays in the band Watershed (which you can read all about in the best selling and acclaimed memoir "Hitless Wonder") and is a life long Reds fan. He steals most of his writing style from Bill James but nobody seems to notice. 

* In fairness to Mick, while "Goodess in the Doorway" is truly "Dogshit in the Doorway" as fellow Stone Keith Richards once famously quipped, Jagger's previous solo effort "Wandering Spirit" - produced by Rick Rubin - is really possibly the best Stones album since "Some Girls." A clip from each record below.....you be the judge.

 Five Star Dogshit..

"Don't Tear Me Up" from the excellent Wandering Spirit.

The Browns Would Be Crazy Not to Hire Jim Tressel. by Colin G.

Jim Tressel should be the next head football coach of the Cleveland Browns. I know that at first blush it sounds crazy, but after a week of talking about it at the coffee shop, it occurred to me that hiring any of the other candidates is way crazier.

The Browns choices for head coach are:

A) A marginally successful assistant coach from an another NFL team or a former head coach who has already failed. The Browns are currently the laughingstock of the NFL and by firing their latest coach after just one year, have made themselves the least desirable job for any top-flight candidate looking for a new job.  Basically the Browns have their pick of scrubs, has been's and never will be's. 

or

B) A living legend with close ties to Northeast Ohio who bleeds for Cleveland. A man who won titles at Ohio State, Youngstown State and is currently a successful A.D. at Akron, not to mention his old man is also a legendary coaching figure from Baldwin Wallace. 

The Browns are a franchise in need of a face lift in the worst possible way and the hiring of Jim Tressel would make them instantly relevant again.  Maybe not nationally, but certainly where they need it most: with the Browns long-suffering fan base. Can you imagine the excitement when Coach Tressel would show up to accept the job in an orange sweater vest and proceed to give a tear-jerking speech about his respect for the tradition of Browns Football and his love for Northeast Ohio? I swear a riot might break out right then and there on the streets of Cleveland.

Can he do the job? For starters, being head football coach at Ohio State is way harder than coaching the Browns, so he should be prepared on that front. Ohio State has higher expectations, a bigger budget, more players, boosters, alumni, and an unhinged fan base. And, as we are well-aware, that pesky NCAA has a nasty habit of sniffing around asking about the starting QB's latest tattoo. You just don't get that kind of action/scrutiny in the National Football League. (see: Josh Gordon / Greg Little ) As an administrator I would say Jim Tressel is over-qualified to take on the Browns head coaching job. 

He would also bring some kind of football philosophy to the organization for the first time since Marty Schottenheimer was the coach. Whether you are a fan of "Tresselball" or not, he knows EXACTLY what he is trying to do and how he wants to win football games. Stout defense, good special teams and taking care of the football. Sounds like a pretty good fit for this particular Browns roster. 

Or, to put it another another way: If you were looking to hire somebody to run your company, which of the following names and resumes is the strongest? Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Terry Robiskie, Romeo Crennel, Eric Mangini, Pat Shurmur, Rob Chudzinski, or.......

Jim Tressel.

Seriously folks, it's a no brainer. Expectations on the North Coast have never been lower and there isn't a person on Earth who can convince me that Jim Tressel couldn't do at least as good of a job as the list of previous Browns coaches. It is a golden opportunity to inject some instant excitement into the fan base, with tons of upside and very little downside.

What's the worst that can happen, the Browns keep losing? 

I can live with that. I plead with the Browns front office to give Jim Tressel a shot. 

Colin Gawel wrote this at Colin's Coffee on a busy Saturday morning so if it isn't exactly perfect what of it?

Job Opening: Must Move To Cleveland

Job Opening: Looking for High Performing Leader – Must Move To Cleveland

Imagine you’re offered the position of CEO for a well-established brand. While it may not be with the company you want, it’s a position you dreamed about your whole life.  All your training and education has prepared you for this moment.

But before you say “YES!” to your new Board of Directors, the right synapses fire in your brain and you realize it’s best check with your wife first. You ask for 24 hours to consider the offer and then go home to consult with your significant other. “Honey,” she says, “Before we pick up the family and move to… {cough, cough}… Cleveland… can you do a little research about the company? See what you’re getting into?”

You apprehensively agree to your wife’s wishes, and you do a quick Internet search about the company. Here’s what you discover:

Their last CEO wasn’t even in the position for twelve months before they fired him for not reversing a five year trend of negative sales. They let one of their top new salesmen go this year with practically nothing to show for it and have had three new Chief Marketing Officers (their brand leaders) over the past year. In fact, during the past 14 years, they've had more than 20 new CMOs. During that same time, they've had six CEOs. You will be the seventh.  That’s a new CEO every two years.

They've only had TWO years of positive sales in the past 14 years.  They weren't even consecutive years. Also, the Chairman of the Board who owns a majority of the company is being investigated by the FBI for fraud for dealing with his business partners in another company.

The only good thing about the company is the customers are loyal. They will buy whatever product you sell, no matter how big the pile of crap is.

Knowing this, do you join the company?  Do you move your family across the country to lead this turd of a product?

Of course, I’m talking about the open head coaching position for the Cleveland Browns. You don’t have to be a sports fan to understand this is ridiculous job to take. Why would anyone on this earth would raise their hand and take the first plane to Cleveland Hopkins International Airport to lead this organization? I mean, come on, the fans actually call the stadium “The Factory of Sadness”.

I’m no Jimmy Haslam, but doesn't he know he’s not going to land a star head coach to lead the Browns? Maybe a coordinator from a mediocre team, or a head coach from a second tier college team may go for the job. But no one better than that.

But unfortunately, whoever they bring to Cleveland will go because of money. And that’s exactly what the Browns DON’T need right now. They need someone who wants to be there because they want to be with the Cleveland Browns. Someone who dreamed of that job, just like Meyer, Tressel, Bruce, and Hayes all dreamed of coaching the Buckeyes.  Because the next Browns coach needs to do more than produce results – they need to inspire. Inspire the players, the fans, and most importantly the city.

Because while we’re down here in Columbus complaining about one loss against Michigan State and how we lost a close one to Clemson in a major bowl game, our friends up in Cuyahoga are getting kicked while they are down.

Good luck, Cleveland. I wish you well.

Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He grew up in a blue collar suburb of Cleveland and is now lives in Upper Arlington, Ohio.