Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler "Prepare" For This Year's Fantasy Baseball Draft (Explicit)

Editor's note: I didn't think it would last. Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler are going into their third season co-managing a fantasy baseball team. 

To say the pair have a difficult relationship is an understatement. Hassler's love of watery lime-flavored light beer, Ed Hardy shirts, and "douche music" is plenty for Phillips, a man Hassler has described as "a graying hipster" and "the world's oldest skinny anglophile motherfucker." To make matters all the worse, Hassler is an avowed Yankee fan. Phillips, on the other hand, is a lifelong Mariners devotee. Hassler has compared Phillips' frequent reminders of his long-running suffering at the hands of his often bottom-dwelling M's as "the baseball version of my constantly complaining ex-wife." Phillips counters that Hassler's ex-wife doesn't complain any more now that "she's signed with another club." The bile flowing between them is, for those that know them, cheap entertainment.

Still, through some sort of grim dedication, the Westerville Fister Of Fury enter their third season coming off a solid second place showing in 2014. Last summer was a vast improvement over 2013's 7th place finish. The two owners have agreed to let us peer inside their thought processes as they prepare to draft their 2015 squad on Tuesday.

Hassler, since you didn't answer my email, I've decided on our keepers: Rendon, Betts, Gray, deGrom, and Paxton. You'll recall that in our league kept players must be 27 years old or under. Thoughts?

What email? I saw no email, bud. Betts is on the Red Sox, right?

And let's get that out of the way right now. Need I remind you, Jeff, that last season, when I drafted players based on the stats they would bring to our squad, we finished in the money. When I was out of town in 2013 and you grabbed every God-damned Yankee you could find we finished 7th!

Jeter was coming off an outstanding year in 2012! 

Yes, it was real nice, but that doesn't mean you take a 38 year old shortstop in the fifth round, especially when the man's ankle snapped in half during the playoffs.... 

I thought he'd be ready by at least June.

73, Jeff. 

Is that how fucking old you are, Phillips?

No, that's the number of plate appearances the "captain" managed in 2013. 5th round! And don't get me started on C.C. Sabathia.

Again Phillips, great year in 2012. 

And I told you his home run rate was leaching upward that season and a guy with that many innings on his arm in that bandbox new stadium was a recipe for failure. 

Well, shows you what you know because he had a bad knee last year, not his arm.

His 2013 was shit-awful, Hassler. Last year came to a merciful end with the bum knee. You have a gift, Jeff, for identifying the final year a player is any good and then drafting that player after that final solid year is over.

You and your nerd shit. 

And of course your biggest achievement was making sure we had Alex Rodriguez. Unbelievable. 

And he's had a lot of time to chill and get himself together. I'd take him again this year. 

Well, we'll try to find room on the roster for an injury- prone/cheater/ part-time DH.

You're just angry he'll beat your beloved Mariners.

Yes, that's it Hassler. It was a happy time for me to at least have him on our team when he went .244, 7/19. Any issues with the other keepers? I know Rendon is hurt, but there's no final prognosis and I feel like he's worth stashing at only 24 years old.

I'll bet you a sixer of Bud Light Lime he has under 300 plate appearances this year.

You're on, but when I win I'd like some Four String Brew, please.

Hipster fuck. I see you protected your precious Mariner,  James Paxton.

I admit he's a bit riskier, but in that ballpark with his heavy ground-ball tilt regardless I like him to excel this year on a good club.

Another sixer the Yanks win more games than Seattle

Yes, please. I will take that bet, shithead. Rounding out the five we have reigning NL Rookie Of The Year Jacob deGrom and the solid Oakland starter Sonny Gray. 

Yup.

With those three locked up we don't have worry about pitching that early. 

The Mets suck.

deGrom doesn't and the Mets will also win more games than the Yankees. Will you give me another six-pack for that? Are you going to be at the draft?

Can't. I have a date. 

That's fine. Where are you taking her? Do not say Applebees.

Fuck you.

Pencilstorm Looking For a Writer to Cover the NBA Playoffs and More..

Howdy folks, Colin here. It's getting to be that time of the year to start paying closer attention the the National Basketball Association. Especially with LeBron back home trying to end that pesky 5,000 year Cleveland championship drought .

I'd love to take it on myself, but frankly, between Why Isn't Cheap Trick in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?, fantasy baseball preparations and running the coffee shop, I'm swamped.

Anyway, if you, or somebody you know would like to knock out a weekly NBA playoff recap to be published on Pencilstorm, please send an email or a sample of something to our submissions page so Ricki C. can give final approval. Don't take it personally if he doesn't like it. Ricki is an old school journalist who is hard to please. 

Click here for a link to our submissions page 

In fact, we are always open to submissions: so even if sports isn't your thing, food, movies, TV, books, music, art, business, parenting and Cheap Trick are subjects we are interested in as well.

Please give us a shout. What do you have to lose? You could be just one click away from becoming a blogosphere sensation. Looking forward to hearing from you, Colin

Nobody Roots for Amir Williams by James Baumann

 
“Nobody roots for Goliath.”
 
This sentiment was famously uttered by Wilt Chamberlain, the basketball playing behemoth famous for once scoring 100 points in an NBA game and, later, for boasting of scoring with many times that number of women. Still, for all his accomplishments, the public always seemed to add a figurative asterisk to everything Wilt did. “Of course he can score all those points and snare all those rebounds,” they implied. “he’s so much bigger than everyone else.”
 
Wilt was correct. Nobody roots for Goliath. And now, after collecting four years’ worth of evidence, let me posit that nobody roots for Amir Williams either.

Now, I am not saying that the Ohio State senior center is comparable to Chamberlain. Other than their heights, the item they probably most have in common is the amount of scorn fans heap upon them. The difference is that where Wilt was berated on the road, Amir has suffered at the hands and mouths of his hometown backers.
 
This is not to say that there haven’t been times that he deserved it. I am not an Amir-apologist. Teams like their big men to have hands like catchers’ mitts to gather entry passes and errant shots. Amir occasionally plays like he had ping-pong paddles surgically implanted at the end of his wrists. He has the incredibly frustrating habit of carrying the ball at waist height as he gathers himself to go up for a shot, or after coming down with a rebound. This is despite the fact that this is the number one thing that coaches have been telling him not to do since he first stepped onto a court as a child. On defense, his arms are often at his side rather than over his head. His knees are locked, rather than flexed. And he moves side-to-side about as easily as a grocery cart with a wonky wheel.
 
Still, despite everything I just said, I will not join in with the rest of the Buckeye fanbase that blames Amir for everything that goes wrong within a seven-foot radius of either hoop.
 
Let me digress for a moment. After a lifetime of watching Ohio State basketball, the first year I had season tickets for the 2006-07 campaign. This was the year of Greg Oden, Mike Conley, Jr., and the run to the championship game. For virtually all these games my oldest son, Evan, who turned 10 during that season, accompanied me. The seats next to ours were filled with a rotating cast of characters (who had obviously bought their seats on the secondary market) except for some of the marquee games when the true owner, a 50-something white-haired man, would show up with his squirming grandson to actually watch the best basketball team Ohio State had fielded in a generation.
 
He never cheered the entire season.
 
Not once.
 
As he sat in his seat with his arms clenched across his chest, the closest thing he would offer was a gravely “Come on Bucks,” through teeth gritted so tight you could strain coffee through them. Actually, it ended up sounding more like one word, “C’monbucks.” And this growl primarily occurred in those situations when the team had displeased him, or a lead looked like it was in danger of being fretted away.
 
There is a unique sound when a home crowd gets apprehensive about how the game is progressing; usually a murmur then an attempt at a reassuring cheer and clapping, and maybe a “Let’s go Bucks,” chant.
 
I think the semantics of the cheer are worth noting. “Let’s go Bucks” implies that we are all in this together and we are moving forward. “Let’s go!” It’s what you say when you are heading out the front door with your dog on a bright summer morning. “Let’s go, buddy!”
 
On the other hand, “C’monbucks” is the sound of someone who clearly feels that he has been wronged. He is where he wants to be and wants the rest of the world to quit lollygagging behind. It implies, “I have my ticket. I’ve done my part. Why aren’t you playing as perfectly as I desire?” It’s what you snarl when it’s six degrees outside and you just want that dog to finish taking a leak and get back inside the damn house. “C’monbucks!”
 
After a season of Evan and I rolling our eyes and shrugging our shoulders at the grumpiest man who ever lived, “C’monbucks” quickly became the Baumann family shorthand for the person -- Ohio State fan or otherwise – that is never happy. Any points given up or any shot missed or any game lost simply must be due to the fact that their team failed to do something. They can’t grasp the fact that sometimes the other team simply makes the better play or plays the better game. And, unfortunately, there are many that occupy the Schottenstein Center who have been afflicted by this plague.
 
Which brings us back to the last four years where “C’monbucks” has steadily been joined with “C’monAmir.” Arriving at Ohio State as a highly-touted high school basketball player, and possessing the tall and wide body that virtually every successful Big Ten team has had in the middle since about the dawn of man, there were a lot of high expectations for Amir. Since then it has been four years of glimpses of what everyone hoped would happen, but it’s never come completely around that curve.
 
Again, I would argue that while Amir may not have turned out to be what everyone hoped he would be (AKA Greg Oden 2.0 with an upgraded knee system), the problem might lie in the amount of expectation put on an 18-year-old kid. And, if I may play armchair psychologist for a moment, I will offer that it comes down to the Goliath complex. Every exasperated sigh or set of hands thrown up in disgust alongside the cry of “C’monAmir” is really just the fans’ collective subconscious screaming “If only the world had seen fit to make me 6-feet-11-inches tall, you can bet I would never squander that gift by missing a hook shot!”
 
When Goliath is successful, he’s just doing what he’s supposed to. When Goliath is felled, he’s let everyone down. Take, for example, the early part of the this season, when Ohio State was experimenting with playing a zone defense. During one game a lowly team successfully completed two back-door alley-oop dunks. “C’monAmir,” the crowd rumbled. In both of those cases, though, it was another Buckeye on the backside defense who got sealed off allowing the play to happen. Yet Amir gets the blame. Or consider the scene when a three-point-shot is taken and an Ohio State opponent gets a long offensive rebound near their foul line. “C’monAmir, get a rebound!” the crowd yells. Well, the fault there is the guard who failed to block out after the shot. Amir is positioned five feet from the rim, not 15.
 
As of this writing, Ohio State’s men’s basketball team has two regular seasons games left. They probably need to win both and get some help to earn the double-bye in the Big Ten tournament. Then they probably need to win two games there to rise anywhere above an eight-seed in the NCAAA tournament.
 
This is all after a March 1 home game against Purdue that, in many ways, displayed Amir at his Amir-iest.
 
Earlier this season Amir temporarily lost his starting job. Then, everyone took notice when Amir registered a DNP (coach’s decision) against Indiana and OSU won convincingly playing small ball. Obviously the switch from starting center to bench warmer was coach Thad Matta sending a message. But it also was a coincidence in the schedule, as Indiana didn’t have a starter taller than 6’ 7”. The height and bulk of Williams wasn’t needed against the Hoosiers.
 
In the following games, Amir got back into the rotation. When Anthony Lee was hurt, Amir’s minutes per game jumped again. Many had their eye on the upcoming Purdue game where the Boilermakers would be trotting out two players more than seven-feet-tall. Would Ohio State be able to survive inside?
 
But here’s the thing. Williams is better when matched up with a player of similar size and speed. This is most evident during games when he has to leave the key to guard the opponent’s pick-and-roll play. When he hedges away from his man, he often fails to cut off the smaller, quicker opposing guard and just ends up escorting him to the rim for a layup.
 
For Purdue, though, the plan is for the guards to feed the ball inside and let the trees go to work. And with Lee still hurting, that meant it was up to Amir and Trey McDonald and their 10 available fouls to hold down the fort. Purdue’s plan worked pretty well, with both centers combining for 20 points. For most of the first half, Purdue had a double-digit lead.
 
Meanwhile, the referees made pretty quick work of the foul situation (ugly calls going against both teams all night) and with about five minutes left in the game, McDonald had fouled out and Williams was playing with four fouls.
 
Still, Ohio State had battled back to even the score with Purdue and the teams were trading baskets. With just more than four minutes left in the game Purdue’s Rapheal Davis drove to the hoop. Williams shuffled his feet along side him, kept his arms straight up, but otherwise could do little to stop Davis from making a layup and tying the score at 54-54.
 
“C’monAmir” bellowed a voice from behind Evan and I. “Play some defense!”
 
I snapped and turned my head to see a man who looked not unlike a walrus in scarlet and gray. “He has four fouls. There’s nothing he could do there,” I said before turning back around.
 
“Well... Why would he start now?” mumbled the walrus under his breath.
 
Evan and I looked at each other and shrugged. We didn’t say it, but we were both thinking it.
 
“C’monbucks.”
 
A few more minutes pass, a few more points are scored until, at the one-minute mark (“… and Michigan still sucks!”) D’Angelo Russell makes a layup to give Ohio State a one-point lead. Now the Buckeyes need a defensive stop to cinch the game. Purdue set their offense and everyone in the building knows that they want to get it to the center. But while Williams is playing strong defense behind Purdue’s A. J. Hammons, OSU’s Shannon Scott is cheating back and sitting in Hammons’ lap. Unable to make the pass, Purdue’s designed play falls apart, the shot clock is running down, and a Purdue guard has to try to drive. However, this time he isn’t going straight at the rim; instead he is floating down the left side and this is where Williams is dangerously effective. At the last second, Williams steps away from his man, blocks the shot, and grabs the rebound.
 
The crowd is cheering. Players are bumping chests. A couple of free throws from OSU and it’s looking like the game is locked up. In 28 minutes, Williams has scored
six points and recorded two offensive rebounds, three blocks, and a steal.
 
Still, with less than three seconds left and down by four points, Purdue throws a desperation pass the length of the court. Williams and Hammons jump for the ball, it falls to the floor, and Williams picks it up. The Purdue players start to walk off the court. Everyone assumes the game is over. Then everyone notices the referee’s whistle.
 
Amir has shuffled his feet. The ref has called travelling with one second left. It doesn’t make any difference in the final score. Still, I know, somewhere in the seats somebody was yelling one last “C’monAmir.”
 
Nobody roots for Goliath. But given the option between rooting for the player or joining the chorus of “C’monbucks,” I think I’ll take the player every time.

James Baumann roots for the Buckeyes, the Reds and The Kinks among other things. He writes stuff too.

"Buster" Douglas Knocks Out Mike Tyson - Full Fight

Watching the whole fight with Jim Lampley, Sugar Ray Leonard and Larry Merchant on the call for HBO is really worth an hour of your time. Or at least the first round. Obviously, they gave Buster no shot and right from the opening bell couldn't believe what they were seeing. For further enjoyment of the biggest upset in sports history, check out the must read "The Last Great Fight" by Joe Layden. This might be the last great book about boxing. To this very day, I still get teary eyed watching this fight.  - Colin G.

Happy 25th Anniversary to the Champ, James "Buster" Douglas.

11.02.1990 Mike Tyson vs James Douglas full fight . 11-02-1990 Professional boxing fight 1990-02-11 You will find all amateur and professional fights( Mike Tyson) on my profile so subscribe it now !!! All career of Michael Tyson !! 02/11/1990

Owen Gawel Answers My WWE Questions - by Colin Gawel

In approximately three hours from this posting, my eleven year old son Owen and myself will be attending our first WWE Monday Raw event at the Schottenstein Center in Columbus, OH. Owen has followed WWE diligently for the past 8 months and has graciously agreed to answer some questions as long as it doesn't interrupt the PS4 WWE 2K15 video game he is currently playing.

CG: What was the name of that submission hold you just used to win that match?

OG: Hell's Gate

CG: Ah geez, I hope Mom doesn't read this. It did look painful though. Anyway, will you please share your updated top five favorite WWE wrestlers?

OG: 1) Roman Reigns 2) Dean Ambrose 3) John Cena 4) Brock Lesnar 5) Randy Orton.

CG: Who are your least favorite?

OG: 1) Seth Rollins, "obviously" 2 Daniel Bryan "I sort of hate that whole,Yes Yes Yes, thing. It gets stuck in my head." 3: Big Show (me: What do you hate about him? OG: Just everything.) 4) Rusev 5) Triple H.

CG: If you had to choose between Adam Rose and The Miz as your tag team partner, who would you choose?

OG: Adam Rose, because he throws a good party.

CG: What wrestler entrance are you most excited to see tonight?

OG: Bray Wyatt. I love the way the lights go out and it's super creepy. It's awesome.

CG: What is your favorite finishing move of any WWE superstar? 

OG: That's a tough one. Seth Rollins may suck but his curb-stomp is pretty sweet. Make sure you put in the Seth Rollins sucks part.

CG: Last question: If you could see one match in one format, what would it be?

OG: Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar in a Hell in a Cell match.

CG: Thanks for your time and have fun tonight at Monday Night Raw.

Should Your Kid Miss School to Watch a Football Game? The Ethicist, by Colin Gawel.

Dear Mr. Ethicist: My eleven year old son is a huge fan of the Ohio State football team. On Monday night they are playing Oregon for the National Championship and he really wants to watch the game. Problem is  it doesn't start until 8:30 and will not end until after midnight, which is obviously past his bedtime. Should I let him stay up and watch and, if I do, is it OK to let him sleep a little longer on Tuesday and take him to school an hour or so late?

I am assuming that since you took the time to write this question, your son must be a very big fan of Ohio State and you are struggling between being a responsible parent and making your son happy. Some people will say, "It's just a stupid football game," but kids miss school for all sorts of teachers' days and religious holidays. Really, that line of argument places one person's values ahead of another's and holds little water. What's a crazier reason to miss school: a football game or a religious holiday? On one level  they are both absurd, and yet on another level both are valid in the eye of the beholder.  

Since you didn't mention any poor grades I assume your son is a relatively decent student, so it seems unlikely that he is using the game as an excuse to miss class. He just really wants to watch this game, which seems reasonable. It's like letting him read a book to the final  chapter and then saying, "Go to bed and I will tell you how it ends tomorrow." 

Who would be happy with that arrangement?. Yes, he can stay up and watch the game.

As for sleeping in, there is no clear-cut solution.

On the one hand, dragging yourself into work after a late night and half-assin' it all day is a cornerstone of the American economy. I suppose the sooner he learns this lesson the better. You play, you pay. Besides, tax dollars are going to pay for these schools, so by allowing your son to skip class for football you are cheating fellow taxpayers out of their hard-earned money.

On the other hand, if you have the ability and means to get out of work after a late night, good for you. Having the foresight to ask for a day off before another employee; making sure your shift is covered; or simply bullshitting your boss for a couple extra hours of sleep are also part of the American tradition. Capitalism in its truest form. Let the market decide who gets the morning off.

In this case, you - as the parent - are the boss. If your son has built up enough good will and  knows how to bullshit you properly, he is taking advantage of his assets and skill-set to leverage you into getting the desired result he is seeking. Sounds like a well thought-out business transaction to me. On your end, If you agree to let him stay up and sleep in, I would demand that sometime in the next week you have him write a paragraph or two summing up the football game and how he felt about the result.

He gets what he wants, you to get to see your son happy watching what could very well be a once in a lifetime experience, and for the responsible parent side of you, he has to put in a little work just because you said so.

Colin Gawel is the founder and a contributor to Pencilstorm. He does most of his writing at Colin's Coffee and has spent his life playing in the band Watershed. You can read all about it in the best selling book  Hitless Wonder by Joe Oestreich.  Twitter @colingawel

Chuck Klosterman is the real ethicist BTW