What If Dusty Baker was Bryan Price? by Colin Gawel

OK Reds fans: today we are going back in time to that magical year of 2007 (Time Machine Noise).…Whaa..Whaa…Whaa..bling…pop…hummmmmmm…….Bang!

The Reds hire former All Star and three time NL manager of the year Bryan Price to replace Pete Mackanin on October 13, 2007. The Reds haven't made the playoffs since 1995 and - even worse - haven't had a winning record since the year 2000. Two years after he's hired Price leads the Reds to the playoffs three of the four following years, but is fired after losing to the Pirates during the postseason in 2013. He has one year remaining on his contract. 

Price is replaced by his pitching coach Dusty Baker to manage the squad for the 2014 season. Baker has no previous managing experience at any level and in his first season at the helm the Reds finish a disappointing 10 games under .500, missing the playoffs by 14 games.

Things get worse for Baker in April 2015 when he goes on a post-game tirade against a Reds beat reporter, using the "F" word approximately 77 times. The outburst is an embarrassment to the Reds franchise as they prepare to host the MLB All Star the game in July. More so, it calls into question Baker's leadership qualities. 

Baker's Rant:

Ah, fuck. I’m just, I’m fucking pissing up a rope in this fucking business. Because everyone has to know everything all the fucking time. That’s not my fucking obligation, it’s not their obligation. You know why fucking Billy Hamilton didn’t fucking play? The other day? Because his fucking finger’s hurt and he couldn’t hit right-handed comfortably. Right? So that’s something that I need to know and no one else needs to know. No one else needs to fucking know it, and all of a sudden it’s out there. His fucking fingers are sore. It doesn’t benefit us. It wasn’t from you, but it doesn’t benefit us one bit to fucking announce to the fucking other teams that we’re playing to bring in lefties when they need to fucking get Billy out. There’s no benefit. So, I’m fucking, to be honest with you, I’m fucking sick of this shit. I’m sick of listening to this fucking shit, I’m sick of fucking the fucking second-guessing bullshit, you guys can do whatever the fuck you want, but I’ll tell you this — I’m not going to fucking tell you everything about this fucking club, because you fucking guys are going to out there and sniff it out anyway. I don’t fucking like it one fucking bit. I bend over backwards to be honest and direct with you fucking guys and you stick it right up my fucking ass — and the fucking team’s ass. And I’m sick of it. What do you got? If you don’t got anything, get out and I’ll do this fucking interview with Marty. You don’t have anything? Just get out, please.

Okay, imagine THAT scenario….Would Dusty still have a job today?  As a life-long Reds fan, and as much as it pains me to say it, it smacks again of an undertow of racism that I suspect is nudged along by 700 WLW.....

But I digress, enough of my yappin'. Let's hope the Reds turn it around in 2015 and make a run. I still believe there is hope, and no, I do not want to fire the manager. Yet. Your pal, Colin.

For further reading click here to read "This Reds Fan Will Remember the Dusty Baker Years Fondly." 

Game of Spurs or Cavs n Roses? NBA Playoff Preview by Ben Galli

Get your basketball fix and follow @bengalli33

Welcome to Pencilstorm’s 2015 NBA Playoff preview.  What follows is a brief (and snarky) overview of each playoff series, ending with my pick to win.  Personally, I don’t get the big deal about picking how many games a series will go, but as they say, give the people what they want.  I separated by Conference and then in order of the series that were least appealing to most appealing. Please feel free to comment below and follow me @bengalli33 . The NBA Playoffs are FAN-TAS-TIC!

Game of Spurs - Westerosi Conference

I’m starting with the superior Western Conference.  Golden State had one of the most impressive seasons in recent memory but the West is all about overcoming the Spurs. Golden State may be a growing force but the Spurs just find ways to prevail.  Very Daenerys Targaryen pitted against the Lannisters.  This could be San Antone's last run with Timmy. So once again, starting with least appealing.....

#2 Houston Rockets vs. #7 Dallas Mavericks

    (56-26)            (50-32)

There’s a lot of storylines in this series but I’m just not very moved by either team.  Dirk’s an all time great but I don’t really see this team contending.  Harden can be fun to watch but the rest of the Rockets are a charisma vacuum.  The Mavs do have 2, maybe 3 guys that have the ability to carry them for a game in Dirk, Rondo, and Monta but they’re not at the point where they can do it for a whole series.  I think the Rockets handle Mark Cuban’s team easily even with some simmering bad blood between them.  Rockets in 5.

#1 Golden State Warriors vs. #8 New Orleans Pelicans

    (67-15)                (45-37)

Steph Curry plays basketball the way we all dreamed we could as kids.  The probable MVP has really cemented himself this year as must-watch TV.  The Warriors have a lot of talent and a coach that seemingly gets it, but they are young and untested. Even though they won 21 of their last 25 games this season, Golden State's knock is their youth and inexperience even though this is their 3rd straight trip to the playoffs.  Coming up against the best record in the NBA is The Brow, Anthony Davis, and the no-expectations-having Pelicans.  The best part about this series is that many more fans across the country get to watch Anthony Davis play.  Maybe he’ll make this series interesting but it’s not likely.  Warriors come out to play.  Warriors in 5.

#4 Portland Trail Blazers vs. # 5 Memphis Grizzlies

    (51-31)                (55-27)

This series features 2 flawed but pretty solid teams.  I’m interested in seeing how Memphis does in the playoffs since they were considered a contender by some prior to and during this season.  They play tough defense but can struggle to score at times. No lie, it is fun to watch Vince Carter ball out here and there.  Also want to give a tip of the hat to Mike Conley Jr. who has really evolved as a player into a bona fide NBA star after his one year at Ohio State (2015 National Champions!).  Portland has the ultra exciting Dame Lillard but was also swept in 4 regular season match-ups with Memphis.  Who would you root for? The music &d soul of Memphis or the hipsters of Portland?  Grizzlies in 6.

#3 Los Angeles Clippers vs. #6 San Antonio Spurs

    (56-26)            (55-27)

The Spurs are on fire.  They finished the season winning 21 of their last 25 by an average margin of victory of 16.4 points.  That run included 14 games against playoff teams.  This is a annual thing now for the Spurs who seemingly turn it on whenever they want to.  Every year we get older and the Spurs stay the same age.  A win last Wednesday against the Pels would have sealed them a #2 seed. As it stands, their loss dropped them to the #6 seed and lost them home court advantage most likely for the entire playoffs.  They are going up against a formidable opponent in Chris Paul’s Clippers squad.  Paul had a great season, De Jordan is a force inside, and Blake Griffin is still Blake Griffin, mediocre Kia spokesperson.  Even with a championship-winning coach and some interesting pieces, it’s difficult to go against the defending champs if only because they’ve earned that respect.  Spurs in 7.

Cavs N’ Roses

The Eastern Conference is the Chinese Democracy Guns N’ Roses lineup and the Western Conference is their Appetite For Destruction lineup.  With due respect to Atlanta’s wonderful season, the East is going to see Lebron’s Cavs or Rose’s Bulls as it’s Finals participant.  Hopefully Bulls fans don't regret Rose coming back from yet another knee injury too quickly while Lebron looks to make a rarely seen 5th Finals appearance in a row.

#4 Toronto Raptors vs. # 5 Washington Wizards

    (49-33)                (46-36)

Which Wizards team will show up?  The Wizards started off really well this year but also have a 13-15 record since the All-Star Break.  They have some talent but their coaching has been questioned.  The Raptors are in Toronto, which is in Canada, and it is true people in the states don’t give a shit about 'em. Drake being their superfan probably doesn’t help either.  I don’t know if Rob Ford hurts or helps.  The bigger concern is that they were a tad worse than Washington with a 13-16 record post Break. I like John Wall and I'm going Bullets on this one.  Wizards in 7.

#1 Atlanta Hawks vs. #8 Brooklyn Nets

    (60-22)            (38-44)

I’m mainly interested in this series for 2 reasons. I want to see what Joe Johnson can do.  He has the ability to carry a team for an entire series but how close is he to 100 percent?* And I want to see if this Hawks team is for real.  History says no but you can’t count out a Popovich disciple and the concept of good team basketball.  Although you don’t hear of Spurs players out at clubs at four in the morning altercating with the Po-Po, the Hawks will survive Round 1.  Hawks in 5. 

* This is a boldfaced lie, Joe Johnson only carries bags of money.

#3 Chicago Bulls vs. #6 Milwaukee Bucks

    (50-32)            (41-41)

The 6th seed in the East is 41-41 and the 6th seed in the West is 55-27.  The West's 6th seed would be the #2 in the East.  It's just gotten embarrassing. This series is interesting because Chicago remains a major player in this conference and this guy named Giannis Antetokounmpo, the Greek Freak, remains set to be a major player in the NBA for years to come.  Much like Anthony Davis in New Orleans, I’m looking forward to the casual fan getting a glimpse of his magnificent play.  I think Milwaukee lacks the playoff seasoning but Jason Kidd appeared to vastly improve as a coach. Remember the Bucks did this after losing the #2 pick in last year’s draft for more than 2/3rd’s of the season.  Fear the Deer Next Year but not this one.  Bulls in 5.

#2 Cleveland Cavaliers vs. #7 Boston Celtics

    (53-29)            (40-42)

Some of LeBron's biggest series have been with the Celtics even back from his first Cavs days.  These are not those Celtics.  There's probably not a Hall of Famer in this bunch, but these guys are gamers and Brad Stevens is really starting to make a name for himself.  I still think his boyish presentation enhances the credit he gets - which may be unfair - but the Boy Wonder had a Celtics team many expected to tank in the 7th spot, albeit in the East. It'll be fun to root for former OSU stars Sully & ET, and Isaiah Thomas is a baller but I can't see this being much of a challenge for the Cavs.  I'm more interested in the wear and tear on LeBron and this being KLove's first playoff series.  LeBron hasn't rested this many minutes in the regular season in a long time and Love better learn fast if he's expected to be a major contributor on a championship team.  Cavs will be all business in this first round because the series everyone wants to see in the East is looming.  Cavs in 4.

Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler "Prepare" For This Year's Fantasy Baseball Draft (Explicit)

Editor's note: I didn't think it would last. Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler are going into their third season co-managing a fantasy baseball team. 

To say the pair have a difficult relationship is an understatement. Hassler's love of watery lime-flavored light beer, Ed Hardy shirts, and "douche music" is plenty for Phillips, a man Hassler has described as "a graying hipster" and "the world's oldest skinny anglophile motherfucker." To make matters all the worse, Hassler is an avowed Yankee fan. Phillips, on the other hand, is a lifelong Mariners devotee. Hassler has compared Phillips' frequent reminders of his long-running suffering at the hands of his often bottom-dwelling M's as "the baseball version of my constantly complaining ex-wife." Phillips counters that Hassler's ex-wife doesn't complain any more now that "she's signed with another club." The bile flowing between them is, for those that know them, cheap entertainment.

Still, through some sort of grim dedication, the Westerville Fister Of Fury enter their third season coming off a solid second place showing in 2014. Last summer was a vast improvement over 2013's 7th place finish. The two owners have agreed to let us peer inside their thought processes as they prepare to draft their 2015 squad on Tuesday.

Hassler, since you didn't answer my email, I've decided on our keepers: Rendon, Betts, Gray, deGrom, and Paxton. You'll recall that in our league kept players must be 27 years old or under. Thoughts?

What email? I saw no email, bud. Betts is on the Red Sox, right?

And let's get that out of the way right now. Need I remind you, Jeff, that last season, when I drafted players based on the stats they would bring to our squad, we finished in the money. When I was out of town in 2013 and you grabbed every God-damned Yankee you could find we finished 7th!

Jeter was coming off an outstanding year in 2012! 

Yes, it was real nice, but that doesn't mean you take a 38 year old shortstop in the fifth round, especially when the man's ankle snapped in half during the playoffs.... 

I thought he'd be ready by at least June.

73, Jeff. 

Is that how fucking old you are, Phillips?

No, that's the number of plate appearances the "captain" managed in 2013. 5th round! And don't get me started on C.C. Sabathia.

Again Phillips, great year in 2012. 

And I told you his home run rate was leaching upward that season and a guy with that many innings on his arm in that bandbox new stadium was a recipe for failure. 

Well, shows you what you know because he had a bad knee last year, not his arm.

His 2013 was shit-awful, Hassler. Last year came to a merciful end with the bum knee. You have a gift, Jeff, for identifying the final year a player is any good and then drafting that player after that final solid year is over.

You and your nerd shit. 

And of course your biggest achievement was making sure we had Alex Rodriguez. Unbelievable. 

And he's had a lot of time to chill and get himself together. I'd take him again this year. 

Well, we'll try to find room on the roster for an injury- prone/cheater/ part-time DH.

You're just angry he'll beat your beloved Mariners.

Yes, that's it Hassler. It was a happy time for me to at least have him on our team when he went .244, 7/19. Any issues with the other keepers? I know Rendon is hurt, but there's no final prognosis and I feel like he's worth stashing at only 24 years old.

I'll bet you a sixer of Bud Light Lime he has under 300 plate appearances this year.

You're on, but when I win I'd like some Four String Brew, please.

Hipster fuck. I see you protected your precious Mariner,  James Paxton.

I admit he's a bit riskier, but in that ballpark with his heavy ground-ball tilt regardless I like him to excel this year on a good club.

Another sixer the Yanks win more games than Seattle

Yes, please. I will take that bet, shithead. Rounding out the five we have reigning NL Rookie Of The Year Jacob deGrom and the solid Oakland starter Sonny Gray. 

Yup.

With those three locked up we don't have worry about pitching that early. 

The Mets suck.

deGrom doesn't and the Mets will also win more games than the Yankees. Will you give me another six-pack for that? Are you going to be at the draft?

Can't. I have a date. 

That's fine. Where are you taking her? Do not say Applebees.

Fuck you.

Pencilstorm Looking For a Writer to Cover the NBA Playoffs and More..

Howdy folks, Colin here. It's getting to be that time of the year to start paying closer attention the the National Basketball Association. Especially with LeBron back home trying to end that pesky 5,000 year Cleveland championship drought .

I'd love to take it on myself, but frankly, between Why Isn't Cheap Trick in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?, fantasy baseball preparations and running the coffee shop, I'm swamped.

Anyway, if you, or somebody you know would like to knock out a weekly NBA playoff recap to be published on Pencilstorm, please send an email or a sample of something to our submissions page so Ricki C. can give final approval. Don't take it personally if he doesn't like it. Ricki is an old school journalist who is hard to please. 

Click here for a link to our submissions page 

In fact, we are always open to submissions: so even if sports isn't your thing, food, movies, TV, books, music, art, business, parenting and Cheap Trick are subjects we are interested in as well.

Please give us a shout. What do you have to lose? You could be just one click away from becoming a blogosphere sensation. Looking forward to hearing from you, Colin

Nobody Roots for Amir Williams by James Baumann

 
“Nobody roots for Goliath.”
 
This sentiment was famously uttered by Wilt Chamberlain, the basketball playing behemoth famous for once scoring 100 points in an NBA game and, later, for boasting of scoring with many times that number of women. Still, for all his accomplishments, the public always seemed to add a figurative asterisk to everything Wilt did. “Of course he can score all those points and snare all those rebounds,” they implied. “he’s so much bigger than everyone else.”
 
Wilt was correct. Nobody roots for Goliath. And now, after collecting four years’ worth of evidence, let me posit that nobody roots for Amir Williams either.

Now, I am not saying that the Ohio State senior center is comparable to Chamberlain. Other than their heights, the item they probably most have in common is the amount of scorn fans heap upon them. The difference is that where Wilt was berated on the road, Amir has suffered at the hands and mouths of his hometown backers.
 
This is not to say that there haven’t been times that he deserved it. I am not an Amir-apologist. Teams like their big men to have hands like catchers’ mitts to gather entry passes and errant shots. Amir occasionally plays like he had ping-pong paddles surgically implanted at the end of his wrists. He has the incredibly frustrating habit of carrying the ball at waist height as he gathers himself to go up for a shot, or after coming down with a rebound. This is despite the fact that this is the number one thing that coaches have been telling him not to do since he first stepped onto a court as a child. On defense, his arms are often at his side rather than over his head. His knees are locked, rather than flexed. And he moves side-to-side about as easily as a grocery cart with a wonky wheel.
 
Still, despite everything I just said, I will not join in with the rest of the Buckeye fanbase that blames Amir for everything that goes wrong within a seven-foot radius of either hoop.
 
Let me digress for a moment. After a lifetime of watching Ohio State basketball, the first year I had season tickets for the 2006-07 campaign. This was the year of Greg Oden, Mike Conley, Jr., and the run to the championship game. For virtually all these games my oldest son, Evan, who turned 10 during that season, accompanied me. The seats next to ours were filled with a rotating cast of characters (who had obviously bought their seats on the secondary market) except for some of the marquee games when the true owner, a 50-something white-haired man, would show up with his squirming grandson to actually watch the best basketball team Ohio State had fielded in a generation.
 
He never cheered the entire season.
 
Not once.
 
As he sat in his seat with his arms clenched across his chest, the closest thing he would offer was a gravely “Come on Bucks,” through teeth gritted so tight you could strain coffee through them. Actually, it ended up sounding more like one word, “C’monbucks.” And this growl primarily occurred in those situations when the team had displeased him, or a lead looked like it was in danger of being fretted away.
 
There is a unique sound when a home crowd gets apprehensive about how the game is progressing; usually a murmur then an attempt at a reassuring cheer and clapping, and maybe a “Let’s go Bucks,” chant.
 
I think the semantics of the cheer are worth noting. “Let’s go Bucks” implies that we are all in this together and we are moving forward. “Let’s go!” It’s what you say when you are heading out the front door with your dog on a bright summer morning. “Let’s go, buddy!”
 
On the other hand, “C’monbucks” is the sound of someone who clearly feels that he has been wronged. He is where he wants to be and wants the rest of the world to quit lollygagging behind. It implies, “I have my ticket. I’ve done my part. Why aren’t you playing as perfectly as I desire?” It’s what you snarl when it’s six degrees outside and you just want that dog to finish taking a leak and get back inside the damn house. “C’monbucks!”
 
After a season of Evan and I rolling our eyes and shrugging our shoulders at the grumpiest man who ever lived, “C’monbucks” quickly became the Baumann family shorthand for the person -- Ohio State fan or otherwise – that is never happy. Any points given up or any shot missed or any game lost simply must be due to the fact that their team failed to do something. They can’t grasp the fact that sometimes the other team simply makes the better play or plays the better game. And, unfortunately, there are many that occupy the Schottenstein Center who have been afflicted by this plague.
 
Which brings us back to the last four years where “C’monbucks” has steadily been joined with “C’monAmir.” Arriving at Ohio State as a highly-touted high school basketball player, and possessing the tall and wide body that virtually every successful Big Ten team has had in the middle since about the dawn of man, there were a lot of high expectations for Amir. Since then it has been four years of glimpses of what everyone hoped would happen, but it’s never come completely around that curve.
 
Again, I would argue that while Amir may not have turned out to be what everyone hoped he would be (AKA Greg Oden 2.0 with an upgraded knee system), the problem might lie in the amount of expectation put on an 18-year-old kid. And, if I may play armchair psychologist for a moment, I will offer that it comes down to the Goliath complex. Every exasperated sigh or set of hands thrown up in disgust alongside the cry of “C’monAmir” is really just the fans’ collective subconscious screaming “If only the world had seen fit to make me 6-feet-11-inches tall, you can bet I would never squander that gift by missing a hook shot!”
 
When Goliath is successful, he’s just doing what he’s supposed to. When Goliath is felled, he’s let everyone down. Take, for example, the early part of the this season, when Ohio State was experimenting with playing a zone defense. During one game a lowly team successfully completed two back-door alley-oop dunks. “C’monAmir,” the crowd rumbled. In both of those cases, though, it was another Buckeye on the backside defense who got sealed off allowing the play to happen. Yet Amir gets the blame. Or consider the scene when a three-point-shot is taken and an Ohio State opponent gets a long offensive rebound near their foul line. “C’monAmir, get a rebound!” the crowd yells. Well, the fault there is the guard who failed to block out after the shot. Amir is positioned five feet from the rim, not 15.
 
As of this writing, Ohio State’s men’s basketball team has two regular seasons games left. They probably need to win both and get some help to earn the double-bye in the Big Ten tournament. Then they probably need to win two games there to rise anywhere above an eight-seed in the NCAAA tournament.
 
This is all after a March 1 home game against Purdue that, in many ways, displayed Amir at his Amir-iest.
 
Earlier this season Amir temporarily lost his starting job. Then, everyone took notice when Amir registered a DNP (coach’s decision) against Indiana and OSU won convincingly playing small ball. Obviously the switch from starting center to bench warmer was coach Thad Matta sending a message. But it also was a coincidence in the schedule, as Indiana didn’t have a starter taller than 6’ 7”. The height and bulk of Williams wasn’t needed against the Hoosiers.
 
In the following games, Amir got back into the rotation. When Anthony Lee was hurt, Amir’s minutes per game jumped again. Many had their eye on the upcoming Purdue game where the Boilermakers would be trotting out two players more than seven-feet-tall. Would Ohio State be able to survive inside?
 
But here’s the thing. Williams is better when matched up with a player of similar size and speed. This is most evident during games when he has to leave the key to guard the opponent’s pick-and-roll play. When he hedges away from his man, he often fails to cut off the smaller, quicker opposing guard and just ends up escorting him to the rim for a layup.
 
For Purdue, though, the plan is for the guards to feed the ball inside and let the trees go to work. And with Lee still hurting, that meant it was up to Amir and Trey McDonald and their 10 available fouls to hold down the fort. Purdue’s plan worked pretty well, with both centers combining for 20 points. For most of the first half, Purdue had a double-digit lead.
 
Meanwhile, the referees made pretty quick work of the foul situation (ugly calls going against both teams all night) and with about five minutes left in the game, McDonald had fouled out and Williams was playing with four fouls.
 
Still, Ohio State had battled back to even the score with Purdue and the teams were trading baskets. With just more than four minutes left in the game Purdue’s Rapheal Davis drove to the hoop. Williams shuffled his feet along side him, kept his arms straight up, but otherwise could do little to stop Davis from making a layup and tying the score at 54-54.
 
“C’monAmir” bellowed a voice from behind Evan and I. “Play some defense!”
 
I snapped and turned my head to see a man who looked not unlike a walrus in scarlet and gray. “He has four fouls. There’s nothing he could do there,” I said before turning back around.
 
“Well... Why would he start now?” mumbled the walrus under his breath.
 
Evan and I looked at each other and shrugged. We didn’t say it, but we were both thinking it.
 
“C’monbucks.”
 
A few more minutes pass, a few more points are scored until, at the one-minute mark (“… and Michigan still sucks!”) D’Angelo Russell makes a layup to give Ohio State a one-point lead. Now the Buckeyes need a defensive stop to cinch the game. Purdue set their offense and everyone in the building knows that they want to get it to the center. But while Williams is playing strong defense behind Purdue’s A. J. Hammons, OSU’s Shannon Scott is cheating back and sitting in Hammons’ lap. Unable to make the pass, Purdue’s designed play falls apart, the shot clock is running down, and a Purdue guard has to try to drive. However, this time he isn’t going straight at the rim; instead he is floating down the left side and this is where Williams is dangerously effective. At the last second, Williams steps away from his man, blocks the shot, and grabs the rebound.
 
The crowd is cheering. Players are bumping chests. A couple of free throws from OSU and it’s looking like the game is locked up. In 28 minutes, Williams has scored
six points and recorded two offensive rebounds, three blocks, and a steal.
 
Still, with less than three seconds left and down by four points, Purdue throws a desperation pass the length of the court. Williams and Hammons jump for the ball, it falls to the floor, and Williams picks it up. The Purdue players start to walk off the court. Everyone assumes the game is over. Then everyone notices the referee’s whistle.
 
Amir has shuffled his feet. The ref has called travelling with one second left. It doesn’t make any difference in the final score. Still, I know, somewhere in the seats somebody was yelling one last “C’monAmir.”
 
Nobody roots for Goliath. But given the option between rooting for the player or joining the chorus of “C’monbucks,” I think I’ll take the player every time.

James Baumann roots for the Buckeyes, the Reds and The Kinks among other things. He writes stuff too.

"Buster" Douglas Knocks Out Mike Tyson - Full Fight

Watching the whole fight with Jim Lampley, Sugar Ray Leonard and Larry Merchant on the call for HBO is really worth an hour of your time. Or at least the first round. Obviously, they gave Buster no shot and right from the opening bell couldn't believe what they were seeing. For further enjoyment of the biggest upset in sports history, check out the must read "The Last Great Fight" by Joe Layden. This might be the last great book about boxing. To this very day, I still get teary eyed watching this fight.  - Colin G.

Happy 25th Anniversary to the Champ, James "Buster" Douglas.