Big $ and Brian Phillips Talk Browns v Seahawks - by Jeff Hassler

Hey guys! Hassler here. It's sort of a touchy week around the Pencilstorm offices, because not only is the spiked eggnog flowing, but we got an NFL Civil War happening this Sunday. Big $ and K-Dubs the Soldier from the North Coast Posse will be cheering on their beloved Brownies while Brian Phillips will be rooting on his Seattle Seahawks. Personally I have no dog in this fight, as my favorite teams are the Patriots and Packers. I'm also a big Tony Romo fan so when he plays I pull for the Cowboys. Anyway, I thought it would be fun if I asked Big $ and Brian about this week's games and maybe see if we could all meet up to watch somewhere. I'm totally free. Let's get this party started!

Hassler: Both these teams are led by young, star quarterbacks in Johnny Manziel and Russell Wilson.  Which team has the advantage under center or is it pretty much a wash?

Brian -  Are you high, Hassler? Let's start with the fact that Wilson's only known vices are his obsessive abstinence, relentless Bible-quoting, and visiting sick kids on Tuesdays. Somehow through all that he's mastered his offense despite having a group of skill players made up mostly of guys who weren't even drafted. Two of his offensive lineman didn't even play on the line in college. His top two running backs are out now, you think he cares? Over the past three games he's hardly had to run at all. He's getting the ball out of his hands at a Tom Brady speed of somewhere around 2.2 seconds on average. Manziel, meanwhile, leads the league in apologies and regret. This clown will have to rub his fingers together a lot harder if he ever hopes to make the kind of coin Wilson is making. 

Big $ - Well, since you flashed the money sign at me the last time we passed each other at Colin's Coffee, Hassler, I have a pretty good idea where you fall in this debate. However, football I.Q. , work ethic and character are three components of a successful signal caller, and Russell runs laps round Jff in those areas.

Hassler -  Brian, I'm not high and just in case anybody from the agency is reading this, Brian was JUST KIDDING. So I'm not high, but the Browns remind me of the Seahawks just a couple of years ago. Sure they are struggling now, but with all these high draft picks it shouldn't be long before they end up in a Super Bowl. How long before Manziel gets a ring?

Brian -  What? The Browns remind me of the Seattle Mariners, actually. A litany of poor draft picks, head scratching signings.....one manager after another. Dopey owner. Idiot GM. The Browns should be seized by the league and owner Jimmy Haslam should be thrown in prison. Did you know they're paying Dwayne Bowe $4.5 million a year? This has to be some sort of money-laundering scheme. That's the only way it makes sense. Sure the Browns have a high pick coming again but what makes you think they'll use it wisely? Not me. If Hackenburg leaves Penn State they'll probably take him. Manziel wins 3rd place in a College Station golf scramble maybe, but never a ring. Not gonna happen, pal.

Big $ -  Surprisingly, I do believe Johnny will bring Cleveland a ring. Once his NFL tenure ends (sooner rather then later), the marketing guru that is Dan Gilbert will bring him to his rightful home in the Arena League. I fully expect Manziel will sling the Gladiators a ring no later then 2018.

Hassler -  It would be sweet if the L.A. KISS signed Manziel. Maybe KISS could rewrite the words to.... "God of Football." Or they could just use "King of the Night Time World" as is. Just sayin'.  Brian, I hate to be a pain, but you still owe me a six pack of Bud Light from the Super Bowl last year when my Patriots stuffed beast mode just like I predicted at the Pencilstorm Christmas Party. Can the Seahawks get back to the big game again this season? And can I get that beer soon? I'm sorta broke. Just sayin'.

Brian - Cripes. As I told you at the time, no one over the age of 13 should have more than one favorite team in any sport. It's embarrassing. I'll tell you what, Hassler. I'll give you 21 points Sunday and if I lose I'll buy you a whole keg of Bud Light and have it delivered draft night so you can drown your sorrows. Anyway... Sure the Hawks can get back, but it's going to be tough. Carolina and the Cards are really good this year. I'm realistic. Just enjoying the ride. Kind of like you and the Patriots.

Hassler - How do you guys see this game playing out and where are you watching it? Maybe we could all get together somewhere? My ex-Kim has the cats this weekend so I'm totally free if you want to meet up. 

Brian - Watching at home. My wife hates you. I'd watch it with you but you'd just wear your Brady jersey. That's lame. 

Big $ -  I fully expect the Seahawks to win by 17 and I predict Ahtya Rubin will inflict some serious pain on #2. As for where I'm watching the game Jeff, I know I'm gonna regret this but the NCP will be at Patrick J's in Clintonville.

Hang On Sloopy: The Movie - An Interview with Producer Dave Whinham.

Remember how disappointed you were when Coupon: The Movie finally hit theaters? I knew I was. The actual coupon was so great but the movie never had the same spirit. In fact, it was one of the biggest failures in cinema history. (Click here to learn more)

I'm happy to report that Hang On Sloopy: The Movie has no such problem. Against all odds, it's a highly entertaining ride well worth the attention of both Bucknutz and just fans of a good documentary. I highly encourage you to give it a look. Sloopy Producer Dave Whinham was kind enough to answer a few of my questions about how he pulled it off. (trailer below)

- It's such a crazy idea for a movie yet somehow you totally make it work. And not just for Buckeye fans, it works on many levels. Was there a single moment of inspiration when you remember thinking, "I am going to make this movie."

YES. LIKE YOU, (AND EVERYONE) I QUESTIONED WHETHER THERE WAS ENOUGH OF A STORY THERE TO DO A DOCUMENTARY. A BRIEF PIECE SURE, BUT A MOVIE? WELL, THERE CAME A POINT IN OUR RESEARCH WHERE IT WAS CLEAR TO ME THAT EVERYWHERE SLOOPY WENT, SHE MADE FRIENDS AND FANS. THE SONG HAS BEEN A HIT AROUND THE WORLD IN A WIDE VARIETY OF GENRES. IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT THERE WAS SOMETHNG MAGICAL ABOUT WHAT THIS SONG HAS DONE AND CAN DO. THEN I HAD TO DO IT.

- When you first told people about Sloopy: The Movie, did everybody think you were nuts?

YES. BUT I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO NOT TO SHARE MY DREAMS WITH NEGATIVE PEOPLE, SO MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE CLOSE TO ME, AND ALREADY KNEW I WAS NUTS.

- Was there a moment during shooting when you knew you had "the moment" and that this was going to be a worthwhile film? 

I THINK WHEN OUR CO-PRODUCER/DIRECTOR BRIAN GRADY WAS SETTING UP THE STADIUM SHOTS WITH THE CREW FOR OUR SLOOPY PRODUCTION FOR GAMEDAY AT OHIO STADIUM WITH THE MIGHTY OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY MARCHING BAND. AT FIRST, IT WAS KIND OF A FIRE DRILL, DURING THOSE REHEARSALS LEADING UP TO GAMEDAY, BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT, WE KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE PRETTY COOL.

- Is there a scene or two that you enjoy re-watching the most ?

I REALLY LIKE THE STUFF ABOUT THE RECORD INDUSTRY/MUSIC SCENE IN NEW YORK IN THE 60's...THE BRITISH INVASION WAS COMING AND THE OLD GUARD WAS TRYING ALL SORTS OF CRAZY THINGS TO COMBAT IT. I ALSO LIKE TO WATCH THE THE EPILOGUE.

- Was there anything that surprised you most digging deep into the history of this song?  

YOU KNOW THE WAY IT HAS ENGRAINED ITSELF INTO OUR CULTURE HERE IN OHIO IS PRETTY INCREDIBLE. WHEN YOU THINK OF IT, "HANG ON SLOOPY" WAS JUST ANOTHER POP SONG FROM AN ERA THAT PRODUCED THOUSANDS OF THEM. YET SOMEHOW THIS SONG ABOUT A GIRL FROM A VERY BAD PART OF SOME TOWN, HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY PARTICULAR PLACE, HAS BECOME TO OHIO WHAT "SWEET HOME ALABAMA" IS TO THE STATE OF ALABAMA. AS WE LOOKIED INTO IT, WE REALIZEDTHAT IN SOME WAYS THE SAME THING HAPPENED IN GERMANY, HONG KONG AND OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD. LIKE I SAID, THERE IS SOMETHING MAGICAL ABOUT SLOOPY.

- Tell us Buckeye fans the best way to pick up a copy before Christmas?

THERE ARE A NUMBER OF GREAT PLACES ALL AROUND CENTRAL OHIO: WORLD OF BEER, MIKEY'S LATE NIGHT SLICE, COLLEGE TRADITIONS, SPOONFUL RECORDS, LOST WEEKEND RECORDS. YOU CAN CHECK OUT WWW.HANGONSLOOPYTHEMOVIE.COM TO SEE ALL OF THE RETAILERS OR TO ORDER ONLINE.

And I've course I will have some copies available at Colin's Coffee too. - Colin G.

Click here to learn more and how to purchase Hang On Sloopy: The Movie

Bengals v Steelers Could Turn Nasty. Kevin A. Explains.

The Steelers are in town and they want revenge.  Kevin A breaks it down and offers his prediction.

Bengals easily took care of the Browns. What went right?

The game went almost exactly as I thought it would.  Cincinnati exploited the Browns secondary and leaned on Jeremy Hill.  On the defensive side, Geno Atkins was unstoppable. I had the Bengals covering and they did effortlessly.

It's Steelers week with a lot on the line and tempers are already flaring from Pittsburgh.  Are their insinuations the Bengals play dirty accurate?

That's a joke.  The tackle on Le'Veon Bell in the first game was a legal one by Vontaze Burfict, and the Steelers have a convenient short memory.   It wasn't too long ago when they broke Kevin Huber's jaw (which resulted in a 25k fine) and broke former LB Keith Rivers' jaw (which resulted in the Hines Ward rule). It seems the Steelers are harboring ill will for really no reason.  That being said this could spill out onto the field.  I fully expect a lot of extra curricular activity on Sunday.

Bengals secondary is banged up and Ben Roethlisberger loves to throw deep.  How healthy are the Bengals?

The big loss here is CB Adam Jones.  His foot was in a cast earlier in the week and he's now wearing a boot.  He's probably out.  CB Leon Hall put in a full practice and appears ready to go.   S George Iloka looks like he could be a GTD. The Bengals will have to get good minutes particularly from rookie Josh Shaw, but this is about containment.  You can't just stop the Steelers offense when Ben is healthy.

The best news on the Bengals front is that Tyler Eifert will be back after missing last week.

This is a big game.  The Bengals can win the division, and the Steelers need to stay in the wild card race. How does this one play out?

The Bengals currently sit as 2.5 point favorites and that feels about right.  There may be no other away venue the Steelers feel at home at more than PBS, as they are 13-3 there since the building opened. The Bengals were able to muster a 16-10 win at Pittsburgh, but that was Ben's first game back from his knee injury.  This game will be nasty, there's no other way to say it. The Bengals can win this game if they can run the football well enough and avoid turning it over, which I see as the key in this game.   Both teams capitalize on winning the turnover battle, and whoever does I think is the victor.

I would love to sit here and say the Bengals walk away with the division Sunday, but my gut tells me Pittsburgh plays with more desperation.  Big numbers could be put up by Antonio Brown , Big Ben, A.J. Green and Andy Dalton, but in the end I see the Steelers pulling out a 29-27 victory, with the Bengals covering the 2.5*

I will be there to witness it all.  Here's to me hopefully being wrong.

*The only thing to watch out for is the weather.  There's a chance high winds can move into the area earlier than expected, and if that happens all bets are off

Is This Week the Low Point in Browns History? The NCP Ponder the Question.

Last Monday night, the current Browns lost to the former Browns on a blocked field goal return on the last play of the game. This week, the topic of how bad the Cleveland Browns organization is has been a major story on ESPN. Is this the worst Browns team ever and is this the low point in team history?

There is just so much terrible football to consider. If we are talking specific line-ups, I think anytime Ken Dorsey is at the helm of your offense, that is both the worst team and lowest point. However, if we are talking collective eras, I would say this Island of Misfit Toys takes the cake. When you’re reduced to hiring your 14th choice at head coach and you match him with a novice G.M. (whom he has no rapport with), the odds are against success. Rather than augment this inexperience with some front office veterans and seasoned coordinators, the opposite occurred and the results have been nauseating. Top this sundae of football ineptitude off with the cherry of jettisoning solid guys like Hoyer, Sheard and Rubin while pandering to a midget Q.B. whose lifestyle leans more towards C.C. Deville than Tom Brady and voila!: you have the suckiest bunch of sucks ever to grace the Brown and Orange. I cannot, however, say this is the lowest point, because I don’t think this S-show has bottomed out quite yet. To paraphrase the mighty Quinn Fallon, “It's not the end of the world, but I can see it from here.” Expect the lowest point to be arriving sometime in late December.

If you were the GM, what would the plan be and what is the soonest fans could expect a playoff contending team?

"Chill Browns fans, it's all good." - Johnny Manzeil

I’ve been checking my phone and email consistently, and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be getting the actual call, so I’m going at this question in 100% fanboy fashion. My first call is to Jim Tressel, with the understanding that he is to work day and night on translating Tressel ball to the NFL. At the very least, I know the horrific special team play will cease. Next, I ignore the Trent curse and draft Zeke in the first round. The current state of the Browns offense will not support a franchise QB, and I think Elliot needs much less around him to make an immediate impact. The rest of the draft will be used to bolster the offense, specifically at W.R. On defense, it’s clear that Danny Shelton cannot control the 0-3 gaps on his own, so a switch back to a 4-3 is necessary. This will also benefit Armonty Bryant, who I am a fan of. It probably goes without saying that Johnny’s stuff would be packed and shipped to a bar in Texas before the ink on my contract is dry. Actually I may drive JF’s stuff down there myself, and stop in Houston to try and convince Hoyer to return, LBJ style. The end result of my general managing (using Tressel math) should be a Super Bowl in 2 years and an unprecedented run of success against Pittsburgh.

The Browns finally re-signed Terrelle Pryor after cutting him for a guy that never played a down for the team. Are we rooting for TP to get a chance to play a game under center before the season ends?

To use S.A.T. terminology, T.P. is to me as Johnny is to his gaggle of apologists. I am pumped to watch him get an opportunity to showcase his considerable athletic ability with the Browns, and if that is at Q.B., so be it.

If Browns fans had to choose between the Bengals or Steelers to win the Super Bowl, who would it be? And you can't say neither either.

The Steelers, hands down. The Rooneys were the only owners who voted against the Browns move.

Any chance this week?

I am card carrying member of #Austinsarmy, and would love to see him build on his solid performance on Monday. Unfortunately, the frigg’n Bengals have proven they are a far superior football team top to bottom. So, in a word, no.

Bengals 28 Browns 17.

Bengals, Browns and David Price? Kevin A. Breaks it Down.

Bengals, Browns and David Price?  Kevin A breaks it all down with a bonus question.

Apologies for my two week ill-ridden absence.   Here's a quick recap of what you may have missed.

- The Bengals dropped a heartbreaker in Arizona, got back to their winning ways against the Rams, Geno Atkins is the best player on the field, and Tyler Eifert is injured (more on that in a minute).

What went right in both games was Andy Dalton.  Dalton is proving his critics wrong on a weekly basis, with one mediocre game (Houston) out of 11.  He's been really good.   The most noteworthy player, however. has been Geno Atkins.  Atkins is fully recovered from his knee injury and looks every bit the dominant force we have become accustomed to watching.    He's changing games, and that's a special trait owned by very few defensive lineman in the NFL.   He's leading The Men, even if he never says a word to the press.

Up next is volume two of the battle of Ohio.    On to the questions...

Tyler Eifert has a neck stinger and may not play against the Browns.  How worried are you this injury could linger?

Stingers suck, and from what I hear are very painful.  Eifert should sit this one out, plain and simple.  If I'm Marvin Lewis I don't even consider making him active this Sunday.   If they need Eifert to beat the Browns, something else went terribly wrong.    Could the injury linger?  Yes, and they sometimes do.   The positive track is that Eifert says he's fine, so I'm cautiously optimistic he will be ready to go against Pittsburgh.

The Browns are starting their 15th QB against the Bengals in the Marvin Lewis era.  I'll stop there.

It's amazing isn't it?  I think it's 15 QB's in 26 match-ups, which is insane.  Only Cleveland could manage something lame like that.   Austin Davis will be the man, but it shouldn't change a thing on the game prep.  Davis really isn't a bad QB though, so the Bengals need to take him seriously. They have a history of losing to new quarterbacks.

The Bengals play the Steelers after the Browns.  Is this a trap game?

No.  The Bengals have been focused all year, and frankly have beaten up on the bad teams in the league for the most part. Normally the Browns pose problems, but they are so bad I just don't see it. They don't do anything very well in the aspect of football, nothing to hang their hat on.  They don't tackle well, and they can't defend the run OR the pass for that matter.

Assuming Eifert doesn't play, how will the Bengals attack the Browns?

Jeremy Hill.  Hue Jackson slowly is starting to get Hill going for the playoff run, and he should see the ball quite a bit on Sunday.  Hill looked very good against a talented Rams front, and he should have no problem navigating through Cleveland's line.  I also think Marvin Jones is due for a nice game, so watch him as well.

The line currently sits with Cincy a 10 point favorite.  Too much?

Too little.  I guessed the line would be closer to 12 to be honest.  That being said The Men should have little problem covering the 10.   I'm not entirely positive Cleveland is trying that hard to win games in the first place.  Browns hang around early, Geno and Hill eventually wear their lines out, Bengals 31-10 is the call.

Here's a bonus. You love baseball and the Red Sox.  David Price has to make you pretty happy, no?

Funny enough, Brian Phillips said it was a great birthday present to me and it really was. Boston doesn't belong in last place and I think they have had enough.  Price is one of the games top pitchers, and they also traded for one of the top closers in Kimbrell.  Too early to predict anything, but yes.......  Very happy.     Stay tuned this summer for some baseball stuff from me. Already looking forward to it.

On Any Given Sunday - by Pete Vogel

NFL Corporate Headquarters, New York City, USA

Dear Stakeholders:

We had a profitable Fourth Quarter but I know there will be ways to make First Quarter 2016 even more profitable than Fourth Quarter 2015.  We have many high-volume television broadcasts that could net a record yield, so we must attack with a ferocity we haven’t seen in awhile.

For instance, this Sunday our New England branch will be hosting a live television event on primetime with our Denver branch, and we expect the match-up to yield high ratings, perhaps the highest since Fourth Quarter 2015 (when the Green Bay branch hosted the Seattle branch).  With the additions/transfers that have taken place in the last couple of years, we think the product(s) on the field will match the expectations of our shareholders and customers in both the New England and Denver markets.  It’s also possible to yield a big return in other markets as well, given the potential product that will be presented Sunday evening.  

We mustn’t forget the New England branch is currently yielding near-perfect numbers, so we think this will definitely boost ratings.  They could be better at third-down percentages and red-zone efficiency, but their win-loss record is still perfect and sales have been exceptional in the New England Main Office (aka. Gillette Field).  I’ve been in touch with both branch managers – Mr. Bellicheck and Mr. Kubiak – and informed them of the lofty expectations from this live television event.  They said we’ll be proud of the product(s) presented on the playing field and both have enforced this sense of urgency with staff and personnel.  We definitely hope our Denver customers in particular will enjoy the live television broadcast that should warrant the highest Nielsen ratings of First Quarter 2016.  Their transfer from our Indianapolis branch, Mr. Peyton Manning, will not be performing tonight, but we can assure this won’t affect our ratings too drastically.  We’ve embraced a new ad campaign within the Creative Services Team: “Can the unproven second stringer take his place amongst the elite?”  We anticipate high numbers indeed, at least until the beginning of the second session of the broadcast.

I’ve contacted Media Central from the National Broadcasting Corporation [NBC] who is hosting the live television event in front of a sold-out stadium audience, and told the Sunday Night Football Media Team to hype this event to draw in the highest Nielsen Ratings possible.  We’ve had numerous meetings with our Live Broadcast Crew and have told them the gravity of this particular event; so far, Mr. Collingsworth and Mr. Michaels have expressed great enthusiasm over the prospects of the event.  They spent an extra couple days looking through the numbers and feel confident this will be an extremely high yield.  I just hope nothing happens to quell this enthusiasm: We all witnessed the unfortunate event that took place on Thanksgiving day, when a customer was able to break free, run onto the field and express a political/moral/religious cause that disrupted our broadcast.  Hopefully nothing will happen in our Denver Branch this Sunday night.  Nothing ruins a live television event more than spontaneous acts of lunacy.  We can’t afford this kind of mishap on Sunday night.

We’ve hired extra police and security details for this Sunday’s event, largely due to the unforeseen tragedy of Paris a few weeks back.  We hope that no such circumstances will curtail our live feed this Sunday.  It’s important that we’re militant in creating a flawless broadcast for our shareholders and customers.

So far the expectation level has been unsurpassed this Quarter, largely due to the fact that the New England branch has had some negative media fallout due to the Fiscal 2015 Playoff Scandal involving the Indianapolis branch.  All expect some blowback from our New England employee, Mr. Tom Brady, who has done a remarkable job of maintaining his poise while under siege.  If this is the game that he comes unhinged, think of what great television we’ll be broadcasting to our customers?  I’m sure our New England customers won’t find this too enjoyable, but I guarantee the rest of the market would LOVE to see this happen!  I’m practically giddy at the prospects!

It’s very important that we treat this game with the same level of importance as the Playoff Television Broadcasts and the Super Bowl Television Broadcasts.  I cannot be more clear about this: if we want to increase marketshare and surpass our 2015 numbers, tonight has to run smoothly on all cylinders: from media relations, player relations, personnel relations, uniform enforcement, broadcast team, all the way down to cameramen, network liaisons and producers.  This is the game to end all games for First Quarter—we must not screw this up.  And if we do, my meeting with Mr. Goodell this Friday will not be a pleasant one.  We could count our Christmas bonuses goodbye if we screw this up.

Yours,

Mr. I.M.A. Patsy