The Pencilstorm offices descended in chaos early Tuesday evening as news of the big Cavs / Celtic trade hit the interwebs. The North Coast Posse's Big $ was none too pleased and CD1025 Morning show host Brian Phillips invited him to the studio the following day to vent his frustrations on air.
The N.F.L. is the Sport for Stupid People: #TBT - by Colin Gawel
Pencilstorm Throw-Back Thursday 08/04/17
Originally published September 2014. It still gets hits. Go figure. Click here for current not-stupid NFL coverage by Brian Phillips.
Before you can say, "What? Me stupid? That's unpossible!" - let me explain. I'm not trying to be an elitist or a contrarian. I too, like you, care deeply about all sorts of stupid things. In fact, just this past month I'll have you know that I.......
A) Forked over $50 to watch WWE Summerslam and.....
B) Watched every episode of "4th and Loud" - the reality TV show about arena football team the L.A. KISS, starring Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.
I think reasonable people can agree it doesn't get much dumber than that.
And before you soccer types get all excited that this is going to be some manifesto on the merits of Premier League Football over American football, that isn't happening either. Despite an exciting World Cup, I much prefer Uncle Sammy's brand of pigskin. In fact, I play in two fantasy football leagues and this Sunday while I am coaching third base for my son's little league team, I will be crying on the inside knowing that I will be missing the Browns opener. (Though it is sure to be another curbstomping compliments of the dreaded Steelers.)
So, though I like the NFL like all normal people, I HATE NFL coverage. God, it never stops. Ugh. BARF. So dumb. So Boring. Every single day of the year ESPN jams the "THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE" down my throat and I am so very tired of it. I know you are too. I can feel my poor brain cells dying of boredom as they absorb questions like who will start at center for Green Bay and will Jacksonville win over or under 3.5 games. The company line is, "The NFL is the nation's most popular sport, so we have to talk about it every 15 minutes, 365 days a year because YOU can't get enough of it." Okay, sure. Still, McDonald's is America's most popular restaurant, but everybody knows it sucks. Just because something is the most popular doesn't mean it is good. Just check out the top song on the charts right now. Whatever it is, I bet dollars to donuts, it blows.
But why does NFL coverage bother me so much? The odd thing is, though I am much less likely to watch a entire regular season NBA game than I would an NFL game, I love reading about the NBA. I like ESPN stories about the NBA, but not the National Football League. Why is this? Some theories......
For one, I hate that every talking head has stopped using the abbreviation NFL and almost always refer to THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. My theory is that using the longer name fills content over the course of a grinding 24 hour news cycle. By just stretching that out and saying it say, 1,500 times a day, that's almost 45 minutes of airtime each day filled by somebody just saying, "He is going to have to make that throw if he wants to keep his job in the…NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE."
For two, ESPN treats the entire country like we are all superfans of all thirty two NFL teams. They will do a full twenty minute segment on Maurice Jones Drew joining the Raiders or Ryan Tannahill learning a new playbook. This would be would be fine if I lived in Oakland or Miami. But I don't. Why are they telling me this in such fine detail? Do you know how hard it is to run on a treadmill in February while enduring a 12-minute story on the possible new Carolina Panthers starting wide receivers? Basically, they take waiver wire stories and treat them like the lead segment on 60 Minutes. Who fucking cares? Who are these people that enjoy this? Is there a comment section giving 99% approval I haven't seen?
For three, and this is the big one, I suspect Bill Simmons has done such a good job covering the NBA, it just shines a light on how many dumb jocks cover football. All those jackasses standing around in designer suits on a fake football field flapping their gums for two straight hours and they never have anything interesting to say. How is that possible? Professional football is, by far, the most complex sport on the planet, but nobody seems to able able to write a story about it that is interesting.
Watching Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose do a podcast on the NBA is great fun. Watching the FOX NFL pre-game show is like having your eyes gouged out with stale celery stalks.
So maybe the NFL isn't the sport for stupid people after all. Perhaps it is the sport for stupid journalists and it's just hard to tell the difference. Either way, thank GOD we can finally start watching THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE and stop talking about it. For a day anyway.
Colin Gawel plays in the band Watershed and started Pencilstorm as a way to kill time at his coffee shop, Colin's Coffee. As he is writing this, he is watching that guy lip syncing that "Happy" song before the NFL opener in Seattle. Some sort of lame kick-off party. How very stupid indeed.
JT Barrett is the Greatest QB in OSU History. Does he Suck? Baver Answers.
Baver covers Buckeye Football for Pencilstorm. Follow @baverbuckeyebag
Colin: You seemed downright giddy about new offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson after the spring game. What are you seeing that has you so excited?
Baver: We saw screen passes that were actually executed the way screens are supposed to be executed, saw a passing game that had all the parts in sync with one another, and actually saw pass catchers running crossing patterns. The coaches pretty much abandoned the crossing patterns late last year, so that was a nice site. Yeah, it was just a spring game, but Kevin Wilson is just what the doctor ordered for this offense. The Buckeye offense struggled mightily against every good defense they faced last year, and after the 31-0 beat down by Clemson, Urban finally got the wake up call and sent two offensive coaches packing. And Kevin Wilson was there for the taking. Now, Wilson is working with 4 and 5-star guys instead of the 3-star guys he had at Indiana. Yeah….I am giddy as can be.
Colin: The million dollar question. JT Barrett will go down statistically as the greatest QB in Ohio State history. By far. Is he any good?
Baver: As of right now, I think he’s far better than most OSU fans think he is. But I get it….even when he had time to throw last year, he often missed WR’s badly. The 2nd qtr play against Michigan when Barrett launched the ball way over a wide-open Curtis Samuel comes to mind. It was a simple throw, and Samuel would have likely taken that one 94 yards to the house…and Barrett air-mailed it. But JT is a gamer. 5 OT drives that he has led as a Buckeye….the results? 5 touchdowns. He’s the guy you want with the ball in his hands when the game is on the line. This year, I still don’t expect him to throw the ball as well as he did in ’14, but I expect him to look a lot better with the tutoring he has gotten and will get from Kevin Wilson and new QB coach Ryan Day.
Colin: How can we seriously expect a breakout performance from any WR or TE? Who do you expect to break out and what will the numbers look like?
Baver: Maybe it wasn’t too bold of a call, but I had Curtis Samuel as the most likely offensive player to breakout a year ago at this time, followed by Noah Brown. (click here to read that story) They both had breakout seasons last year, to different extents. I don’t see a TE making big noise, but I think the new hybrid, Parris Campbell, is your breakout guy this year. We saw glimpses of what Parris is capable of last year on kick returns, and I think it all comes together for him this year, on returns, rushes and as a pass catcher. Numbers? I don’t think you’ll see 700+/800+ rushing/receiving yards like Samuel did, but I think you could potentially see 400+ and 700+, respectively.
Colin: Is Mike Weber a world class back like top 5 programs come to expect? What recent Ohio State starting RB is he better than?
Baver: Not sure if it’s fair to ask what recent Buckeye RB he is better than, with Weber having only one season in the books so far. I thought he was a solid back last year and felt he should have been used more down the stretch. Urban is singing Weber’s praises this summer, and he was 4th on Ohio State’s 40-yard dash board in June. Weber has also showed up as a 1st rounder in some 2018 NFL mock drafts. World-class? Not sure. Ezekiel level? No. But I think Weber is in for a big year if he stays healthy.
Colin: Can this OL dominate if we have trouble throwing the ball downfield or could we see a repeat of MSU, Michigan and Clemson against a stout D?
Baver: OL is my biggest concern on offense. They probably should have fired a trio of Buckeye offensive coaches, instead of just a pair, as Greg Studrawa ain’t gettin’ it done. And I can’t imagine that OSU couldn’t find an elite O-line coach that would be worlds better than Stud. Obviously Isaiah Prince has to make huge strides after Pro Football Focus graded him out as the worst pass-blocking O-lineman in the FBS last season, allowing 45 QB pressures. I think you’ll see better results as a whole in ’17 with Kevin Wilson being more involved with the Slobs, but I am still taking a wait and see approach.
Ben Galli Hosts an Un-Edited Kyrie E-Mail Thread
I'll get us started...
Ben Galli: This upset and blindsided me. The hardest part is coming to terms with this being who Kyrie is. I'm not one of those, "well the greats back in my day..." guys but this seems very immature, selfish, and short-sighted. I can think of players considered superstars exhibiting this type of behavior but no one really considered a great.
I guess Irving didn't think the news would go public but if the reports are true about LeBron's camp releasing it, (classic LBJ passive-aggressiveness), it just makes things worse. The team's two best players want to throw down and Kevin Love is mocking it all on social media.
James Baumann: This story won't go away for 2 reasons. One is ESPN's desire to broadcast prima donna soap operas 24 hours a day and this fits them to a T.
The second is that this actually has basketball ramifications. I don't know where kyrie realistically goes that either makes them locks for the East and definitely not to beat Golden State. At the same time, i can't think of who the Cavs could get that would push them past GS.
The Cavs may get building pieces, but NBA playoff games generally come down to who has the best players -- best Plan B, Plan C, etc -- on the court in the 4th quarter. And Kyrie leaving does not help that in the least.
Colin Gawel: I'm just really surprised by the whole situation. I just assumed Kyrie was thinking "I can't believe how lucky I am to play along side Lebron James. This is so fun." Instead he felt like he wasn't getting his due. I've lost all respect for him. Plus, when we were on good terms, I turned a blind eye to some of Kyrie's faults. Now that the gloves are off, it all adds up, he is a selfish player and a selfish person. He is just another spoiled AAU punk who was hiding behind a winning franchise. I know I come from a different generation, but playing with one of the greats isn't a bad gig. I recently saw Tom Petty and thought the same thing of his band. Does Tom Campbell always get the spotlight he deserves? Maybe not, but he plays sold out arenas every night and is part of a great band. I wonder if he ever looks across the stage and thinks, "I'm just as good as Tom. Why do they cheer him so much? I've got to get out from his shadow so I can solo more". No, Tom Campbell doesn't think that because he isn't an idiot.
* Since I just called Mike Campbell "Tom" I guess Kyrie has a point.
Brian Phillips : Doesn't Kyrie believe the earth is flat? He's a dope. He'll end up in Sacramento where he can fulfill his dream of being "The King Of Kings."
Big $ from the North Coast Posse: Kyrie provided me with the happiest 5 seconds of my life (I know I could of prefaced this with "besides my wedding/kids births etc, but I didn't sue me) so regardless of where he ends up, and how he gets there, he will hold a special spot in my heart. It's also important to remember that only a few short summers ago, Kyrie made a commitment to stay in Cleveland and be the man and the organization was ready to honor that commitment. Next thing he knows this demigod who walked out on Cleveland, comes waltzing back through the door and wam bam kyrie is a distant 2nd fiddle. To make it worse he's a second fiddle to a fella that is no stranger to reprimanding him in public. The ring is nice, but it may not be enough to fully cleanse your palette of being "sonned" publicly. I'm not all together sure that Kyrie can put a team on his back for a season, but I do believe he has mad star power and charisma and is probably sick of losing regional shoe sales to his "Chet from weird science" esque basketball big bro.
With all that said, I'm also ready for a little shake up in Cavs land. Lbj thrives off new challenges and proving KI dead wrong may be all he needs to turn it to 11 this season. I am also head over heels for Josh Jackson and feel that Bledsoe/Rose is superior to lrving/Deron Williams. Let Lbj call in one of the 8000 favors (new Suns front office exec.) James Jones owes him and make that trade happen. I'll have the popcorn ready.
Ben Galli: The media aspect is interesting. Nowadays with social media, posts and 'likes' and actions at weddings are analyzed non stop while players use the media to make their passive aggressive power plays. Now a "Source" says LeBron has been actively shopping Kyrie for the last 4 months. It's hard to know what to believe and it's probably just best to stay away from the drama and pettiness of it all. Or maybe drama, pettiness, and over-analyzation on social media is the theme of 2017. And we wonder why LaVar Ball continues to get attention.
The rumored Bledsoe and Josh Jackson deal probably works best for Cleveland's future. Another much bandied about trade would bring Bledsoe and Carmelo Anthony to Cleveland with Kyrie going to New York. That would work best for the Cavs' chances this year, which increasingly seems like LBJ's last there. This prospect seems less and less likely as more reports are coming out saying Melo really wants to go to Houston, one going as far as to say he's threatened to block a Kyrie to New York deal.
And if LeBron leaves, Kyrie would have Cleveland to himself, no? Which begs another question, does anyone want to play in Cleveland?
James Baumann: I would not be surprised to see the Cavs still finish 1 or 2 in the East even with a Kyrie trade - but who knows with the moves the Celtics and others made. But to do so would (most likely) burn out James by playoff time and definitely finals time. But, by then, the NBA and TNT and ESPN may change the rules so there are 5 days off in between all finals games.
Colin Gawel: Despite my harsh words, I was prepared to keep a fond view of Kyrie for the reasons Big $ mentioned. He helped get the title and it's pretty much all gravy after that. But I have to admit, seeing him ham it up at Lebron's expense with arch rival Steph Curry turned my stomach. Steph is right to mock Cleveland and Lebron. We are enemies. But geez Kyrie, that dude just beat YOU less than six weeks ago and you cheer him on as he clowns a team mate? I don't care if it was Lebron or Channing Frye, where is your pride? Be like watching Eddie George cheer on Charles Woodson goofing on Terry Glenn as at Christmas party in 1995. Bad look Kyrie.
Having said all that, if we don't get value - DO NOT TRADE HIM. He signed the deal. We can move him or sit him or whatever, but we need to get something in return.
OK....what trade ideas are floating around?
James Baumann: The trade challenge is do you try to make a 1-1 type trade that has instant results or do you make a 1-3 (or picks) that is more of the long game. And, of course, that is entirely about whether you think James is coming back.
Whoa! Just had a thought. James convinces the Cavs to trade Kyrie to the Lakers for Ball and a pick or something. Then, next year, James takes his free agent talents TO THE LAKERS ALSO!!!!! James and
Colin G: That's a good thought. My idea was Lebron calls Porzingis and has him tell the Knicks there is no chance he will ever re-sign in NYC. Make the deal with the Cavs or lose me for nothing.
Ben Galli: Funny you mention the psyche out cause The Ringer and Bill Simmons are saying the exact same thing (LeBron and Kyrie play for the Lakers next year and this is all carefully staged).
I really think Kyrie is jealous of LeBron and James never saw it coming that he embarrassed Uncle Drew. I think the rift is real but I also think there's a chance that if the right deal isn't offered, in a couple weeks we'll hear of a heart to heart (father-son?) talk where they decided to let bygones be bygones, put out a music video (wedding theme?), and lead the Cavs back to the Finals. I think they're holding out for Melo and I think that's Kyrie's preferred destination (he's from New Jersey). Getting Josh Jackson would be nice but what impact can he make in the Finals as a rookie?
Big $: I really think that a multi team deal that yields Melo and Bledsoe is going to happen, regardless of the rumors suggesting otherwise
James Baumann: Oh crud. I normally do read the Ringer, but hadn't seen that. Don't want people to think I'm plagiarizing.
I still believe the whole LeBron goes to Miami / Cavs stock up #1 picks / he comes back was a long con. I don't know if dummy Dan Gilbert knew about it, but I still think it was real
WWE Great Balls of Fire: Jerry Lee Missed Out - by Big Vin Vader
WWE Great Balls of Fire: Jerry Lee Missed Out - follow @bigvinvader
I thought Money in the Bank was a pretty bad show, the most recent example of bad booking and missed opportunities in WWE. The mere fact that RAW’s follow-up show was named Great Balls of Fire seemed like a major warning that it would be another let-down. Imagine my shock when the PPV turned out to be a blast from start to finish, unexceptional in most aspects, but completely solid and entertaining with few of the frustrating choices that have marred WWE’s booking lately. The name was announced months back, and seemingly failed to get a single vote of fan approval. What followed were about a dozen different logos, speculation regarding the name selection, and involvement from Jerry Lee Lewis’ legal team. It was about as bizarre as wrestling gets.
But then the build started to get really good, the matches looked promising, and it seemed like there was a chance for GBOF to actually deliver. Not only was the promise of an Iron Man tag match between the Hardys and Sheamus/Cesaro a perfect blow-off to their long-running feud, but the Women’s title match between Alexa Bliss and Sasha Banks was a fresh match in an era of repeats. Much as they have their detractors, Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman have had several very good matches with one another, and the ambulance stipulation promised some brutal finality. Best of all, Samoa Joe was presented as a legitimate, threatening challenger to Brock Lesnar’s Universal Title. The build up to that championship match was one of the most successful things WWE has done in some time, making Joe seem the hardass, main event-level player he has deserved to be for his entire run in the company. Even with the seeming certainty of Lesnar’s victory, the lead-up was so successfully executed that it seemed a sure-shot crowd pleaser. Come the night of the show, nearly every match delivered on those initial promises, and even the lesser bouts on the card proved to be far more than satisfactory.
Initially, I was disappointed to see the Cruiserweight match between Neville and Akira Tozawa shunted to the preshow, but quickly regained interest when I realized just how into it the crowd was. For a division that’s been long-suffering as far as fan interest goes (and certainly hurting from the abrupt release of Austin Aries), this was definitely a welcome sight. Things didn’t advance much beyond a preshow-caliber level, but it was still a very capable contest from the two incredible cruiserweights.
Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt was a bit of a head scratcher, with the feud itself seeming to come about out of nowhere, but in the capable hands of those two wrestlers it was a solid if unexceptional match. It was great, however, to see Bray pick up a clean win on PPV after the rocky year he’s had.
Enzo Amore vs. Big Cass was about as exciting in-ring as you’d expect from two such limited performers. That said, they made the right call in keeping it brief and putting Cass over, and in finally splitting the two up for that matter.
Easily the match of the night was the Tag Team Iron Man Match, with both teams impressing in a hard-fought, genuinely unpredictable contest. They made great use of the stipulation, with a number of shocking falls, including one for the odd couple in the first twenty seconds of the match. From there it was hard-hitting action, with several memorable high spots, all leading up to some of the most exciting final moments seen on PPV in some time. Matt got busted open bad after a dual dive with Jeff, and that hardway blood really contributed to the drama and excitement of the finish. It was a perfect example of how blood, even accidental, can add to the sport. Things seemed to be going the Hardys’ way until Cesaro scored a tiebreaker fall in the last thirty seconds. Jeff caught a quick reversal and went for a desperation pin at the two-second mark and came up just short. It was gripping stuff, and stole the show.
My personal favorite match, if not the outright best, was the Women’s Title showdown between Sahsa Banks and Alexa Bliss. More on that one in a minute.
The Miz vs. Dean Ambrose for the IC title was an unexciting prospect, especially given how many times that exact match has been done. It wasn’t bad, but it was one of the low points of the show, and I struggled to hold interest. The Miz going over with some interference from his corner was the right call, however, and his reign looks to continue as successfully as it deserves to.
Reigns vs. Strowman had pretty much everything I wanted to see in their blow-off match, and it even came with some surprises. The strikes looked stiff, and there was a ruthlessness in both men’s offense that took things up another level. They wasted no time in making their way up the ramp to the titular vehicle and from there the intensity of the brawl only mounted. Reigns lost the match for himself with a missed spear right into the ambulance, and what followed was some of the most insane, hilarious, and perplexing use of PPV time I’ve seen. After escaping and subduing Braun into the ambulance himself, Reigns drove off to the backstage area and backed the vehicle into a semi-trailer before fleeing. After about ten minutes of worked panic, Braun stumbled out (freed by the Dallas fire department and the Jaws of Life) bloodied, and limped off after Reigns. Even if that was the evilest, most heelish thing Roman could do, he still seems to be a total face somehow. Interesting.
Lesnar vs. Joe delivered on its promise, and of course offered up nothing in the way of surprises. Joe looked like an absolute killer, jumping Brock before the bell and slamming him through the Spanish announce table before even a minute had passed. From there, he dominated, locking in the Coqina Clutch several times and forcing Brock to nearly pass out. There were some hard strike exchanges, a number of German suplexes, and even more surprising displays of agility from Lesnar. Sadly, the whole thing only lasted six-and-a-half minutes before Lesnar broke another Clutch to hit a desperation F-5 and retain the Universal Title. As much as they made Joe look great and cemented his main event status, this one could have gone on longer, if for no other reason than to cast to unpredictability over the seemingly-obvious finish. Still, it was Brock’s best match this year, and a good showing for Joe in his first one-on-one main event.
The RAW Women’s Title match between Alexa Bliss and Sasha Banks was my favorite match of the night, and my pick for best following the Iron Man Tag match. It was one of the best paced matched on the card, and delivered hard-hitting, impressive action for its entirety. Alexa is one of my favorite wrestlers in either brand’s women’s division, and her ring work continues to improve with each match. Beyond that, her heel character is one of the most successful and fully-realized regardless of brand or division. Sasha is a fantastic wrestler and never fails to put on an impressive showing in the ring, but her face character does very little for me (and her trash-talk in the ring is groan-inducing). Put together to fight for RAW’s top prize, it seemed certain that they’d put on a quality contest. They definitely delivered, up until the weak count-out finish, and it was a great example of the match quality in the current women’s division. That all said, I couldn’t help come away with some complaints.
GBOF had seven matches total, eight with the pre-show Cruiserweight Title match, and all but this one were men’s matches. I realize that the men’s division is still the primary focus for most fans and that’s incredibly clear from the presentation and booking of the product. The trouble is, as much as the company touts their progressive attitude and reminds us how far women’s wrestling has come in the last decade, things still have a lot of catching up to do. And don’t forget, just as WWE’s changes come as a result of the attitudes towards women’s wrestling that they helped create years back, so too does the complete change of policy lie in their hands. While they’re talking about the good they’ve done for women’s wrestling, they still fail to book more than one women’s match for every six men’s matches on a major show. Occasionally, if we’re lucky, we’ll get two. Are we to expect that we’ll never reach the day when PPV cards are evenly split between the sexes?
There’s a deep talent pool for each division in the company, and obviously not everyone can get extensive TV time or even deserves to be pushed to the top or upper-middle of the card. But there’s no reason at all that the entire women’s midcard should be relegated to SmackDown and RAW while there are plenty of men’s filler matches slipped onto every PPV show. Even before the brand split last year, the women’s division has been built around a few select women, namely Sahsa Banks, Charlotte, and Bayley (Becky Lynch fell to the wayside very quickly, unfortunately). Since the brand split, others such as Alexa Bliss and Naomi have been given chances to shine and win titles. But the problem is that there hasn’t been a whole hell of a lot of opportunity for the rest of the division. There are occasional flirtations with main event status (as long as we remember that such status for the women falls behind even the men’s midcard status) for some of the others in the division, but they never seem to last.
There are so many great athletes in each brand’s division, and they can’t be said to be anything other than held back. Whatever happened to Emma’s triumphant return? Remember when Natalya’s heel turn seemed like a big deal? What the hell have they been doing with Becky Lynch since she lost the title? And how often do we see them in anything other than watered down, commercial-interrupted television matches? Even if the matches were high-quality things would be different, as they’re all capable of putting on impressive showings, but the visibility and chances for advancement just don’t seem to be existent. We aren’t going to see many serious contenders or plausible storylines until more time is given over to the women’s division. Of course, this is no easy feat with five hours of regular cable television already feeling overstuffed with filler. That doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room for either the athletes themselves, creative, or even the fans to get invested in matters.
But it’s still possible, as the final RAW, SmackDown, and NXT episodes of June revealed. A women’s number one contender gauntlet match headlined RAW, the rematch of the beyond-frustrating women’s MITB match did the same on SmackDown, and Nikki Cross challenged Asuka for the NXT Women’s Championship in a Last Man Standing match on that program’s main event. It was the first time that the women’s division had headlined all three shows in the same week, and of course WWE took every opportunity to announce that fact and gain press attention. Why not just let that become a regular thing and not have to trumpet your own booking? And why wasn’t there more backlash asking why it took so long when it seemed a pretty simple decision to make? Regardless of all that, it was good to see this finally happen, and the matches themselves naturally were no slouches. The NXT title match in particular was one of the best television matches I’ve seen in months, even topping most of the recent PPVs in terms of sheer excitement and quality. So nobody should have any doubt that the women should be presented as stars and performers every bit the equal of the males on the roster, it’s just that the big event feel of this occurrence makes it seem like just an exception to the rule.
That being said, there are some positives to look forward to. First and Foremost is the Mae Young Classic set to air this summer. Pulling talent from a diverse range of indie promotions, similar to last year’s Cruiserweight Classic and this January’s UK Championship Tournament, the all-female event has generated a great deal of buzz already. Given the overwhelming success of those two events, from both critical and artistic perspectives, the MYC looks to be a surefire winner, and at the very least will give a few dozen deserving wrestlers better exposure. Not to continue with the negativity, since I’m really excited for the tournament, have been since it was first mentioned as a possibility last year, but there’s still the issue of exposure. The CWC was one of the best-received programs on the WWE Network last year, and the UK tournament/division have produced some of the company’s best matches of 2017. Despite all of that, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t feel the cruiserweights have been mishandled in the months since. 205 Live is a forgotten B-show, and the in-ring aspect that wowed fans previously has been severely watered down on the main roster. And the UK division is simply a side function of NXT, leaving those great workers even less exposure within their respective division than either SD or RAW’s women’s divisions.
There’s no question that participating in the tournament will boost the stock of nearly every female wrestler who participates in it, but what after that? Will there be a sub-women’s division centered around the trophy/belt or whatever prize is reserved for the victor? Or will the upper-tier participants be inserted into the already-underrepresented women’s divisions on the main roster and NXT? These questions will certainly be answered before long, and it really shouldn’t be anything other than exciting as more details of the tournament emerge. It just seems like we’ll have to wait and see where things go, which is unfortunately what’s been happening all along.
Big Vin Vader covers WWE for Pencilstorm. Follow on twitter @bigvinvader
WWE Money In the Bank: The Ladders Only Lead Down - by Big Vin Vader
Money In the Bank: The Ladders Only Lead Down follow@bigvinvader
I was excited for Money in the Bank this year, I really was. In theory, it sounded like the most promising line-up in years for the titular ladder match. AJ Styles, Kevin Owens, Sami Zayn, and Shinsuke Nakamura are obviously some of the best workers in the world, let alone WWE, regardless of brand. On top of that, Dolph Ziggler may be lost in the current product’s shuffle, but is still a hell of a wrestler when motivated, and Baron Corbin may not be much beyond a brutal monster heel, but he plays that part very well. Beyond that, the fact that SmackDown Live would be hosting the first-ever women’s MITB ladder match was a huge deal. The SD women’s division has been outshining RAW’s own ever since the initial brand split, and the addition of Charlotte and Tamina after the shake-up only added to the incredible promise of the match itself. The historic aspect alone should have made this something to remember, and given the talent of the women involved (Charlotte, Natalya, Becky Lynch, Tamina, and Carmella), the match itself should have easily delivered on that initial promise. On top of that, the show was only scheduled for five matches—all of the non-ladder matches being for titles—theoretically leaving all of the filler by the wayside, and possibly even allowing things to wrap up early. Boy, did they fuck things up.
Let’s take a quick look at each match’s finish, and maybe the problems will make themselves plain:
-James Ellsworth won the women’s ladder match by retrieving the briefcase for Carmella
-The Usos retained the SD Tag Titles by getting themselves counted out
-Naomi forced Lana to submit after Carmella entered and teased cashing in her MITB briefcase
-Jinder Mahal pinned Randy Orton after Orton spent an eternity fighting off the Singh Bros. on the floor (yet not getting counted out)
-Breezango pinned the Ascension in an unannounced, sub-four-minute match
-Baron Corbin snuck into the ring to take out Nakamura and Styles before claiming the briefcase
Now I can’t be the only one to think that’s way too many bullshit endings on a relatively sparse card. The women’s MITB ladder match is my biggest point of contention, so let’s just jump right in.
The participants made their way to the ring and only then did WWE decide to show a video on the history of women’s wrestling within their own promotion. It was a good video, although susceptible as always to their selectively-remembered, revisionist history (Wendi Richter was there, but no mention of the Original Screwjob). Also, very strange to do this with the women waiting in the ring to begin their match. But as we all know, WWE never misses an opportunity to trumpet their progressive attitudes and champion the strides they’ve made in presenting women as serious athletes and wrestlers. And the ladder match should have been the perfect opportunity to demonstrate those steps forward. Just think: this is a dangerous, hard-hitting, fast-paced match with huge stakes, the sorts of things that WWE and the rest of the (American) wrestling world confined to the male portion of the roster. But they couldn’t just let the talented wrestlers spread that message on their own. Of course not.
Just deciding to kick the show off with this match spoke volumes, and it led me to believe that it was going to be the exact sort of hot opener that the show needed, as well as the perfect spot on the card to give the women the exposure they deserve. Tamina set a fast pace by dominating every other participant, but before long the match filled up with way too much dead space. And that led directly into one of my biggest problems with the whole thing: just because there had never been a women’s MITB ladder match prior to this, most of the wrestlers were booked to look like they had no idea what to do. Some of the best female wrestlers in the world were made to look like clueless undercard workers. I don’t know how many times somebody was alone in the ring, or the last person left standing, only to look around confusedly or simply stare at the hanging briefcase as though they didn’t have any idea how to get it. This was especially true of Natalya, who was made to kneel while gazing upward several times throughout the match. More than that, when she did get ready to climb, she had to adjust the ladder’s placement slowly a number of times in order to make sure it was right. I understand that this could have been legit in order to ensure her safety during such a high-risk bout, but the lethargic pace at which she moved makes me think that somebody laying out the match wanted her to look like an inexperienced kid rather than the excellent wrestler she is. Charlotte and Tamina showed the surest footing throughout, dominating the others, and actually looking like they knew how to climb a ladder. Sure, it makes sense to give an edge to certain performers, but it was disheartening to see so many great athletes made to look like fools. None of the men showed any of that sort of hesitation in their match, not even those new to MITB matches.
Still, the action was pretty good when things were going, and the crowd was incredibly supportive and into everything as it happened. Of course, that came back to bite everyone in the ass, as I’ll discuss in a minute. At one point, Becky Lynch seemed bound to win, quickly climbing the ladder after putting Carmella away. That would have been a fantastic moment, since Becky is still one of SmackDown’s most popular wrestlers, despite being given very few major opportunities since dropping the Women’s Title to Alexa Bliss last year. Instead of that crowd-pleasing finish, however, we got James Ellsworth running in and tipping Becky off the ladder. Then, after realizing that Carmella was still knocked out, he climbed the ladder himself and grabbed the briefcase for her. So the best finish, somebody decided, to the first-ever women’s MITB match (and remember just how many times they touted that historic fact) was to have one of the participants’ (storyline) boyfriend interfere and win it when she and all of the others proved unable to do so. That was not only the stupidest possible finish to the match, but also the most offensive decision WWE has made in quite some time. Then again, I can’t even lay all of my frustration on the company itself, since there was an enormous positive reaction from the crowd encouraging Ellsworth to climb the ladder. What the fuck, guys?
I understand that Carmella is a heel and is meant to attract heat, but I don’t buy that for an instant in this particular case. The SmackDown women’s division is loaded with incredible athletes, any of whom deserved the briefcase on their own merits, but instead the best way to get the job done is to have a man win the match. Yeah, they like controversy and everything, and this sure as hell got people talking, but that stands in opposition to everything the “Women’s Revolution” stands for. Even as a one-off joke or storyline initiator, that move was seen by millions of people, and basically told them that a man is still the best choice and has the best odds at winning a major ladder match, even if he’s not a participant. That type of hypocrisy reeks of just as much bullshit as WWE aligning themselves with Be a Star while allowing JBL to taunt Mauro Ranallo and trigger a depressive incident, leading to the former’s resignation.
But all of that aside, what this really stands as is the company making a mockery of its own women’s division and all of the great athletes within it. The latest news is that Daniel Bryan stripped Carmella of the briefcase and scheduled a rematch. That bodes well for the long-term, but it fails to change the fact that it was still booked as the original finish. Or that James Ellsworth is a comedy character who should have nothing to do with major storylines (see: Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles). And not to discredit her, but Carmella is the least-experienced and (theoretically) least-deserving wrestler in the match. The whole thing just left a bad impression, and the rumors that the women on both RAW and SmackDown are legitimately pissed off only furthers the impact of this stupid decision. The bottom line is that it becomes increasingly harder to take these sorts of moments as seriously as the company throws such offensive nonsense into supposedly-important matches like they did here. The Ellsworth finish still goes down on the books as the original ending, and the change of plans is either a reaction to backlash, or was the plan from the start. That sort of back-and-forth booking and outright manipulation is still pretty hard to take.
In between the ladder matches came all three title matches, and they delivered about as much as you’d expect B-level midcard matches to do. Then again, this was MITB, so the marquee matches are, by definition, not the title bouts. The New day and the Usos put on a decent match for the SD tag titles. It really does seem like the New Day work their hardest when they don’t have the complacency a title provides them with, and this was one of their best outings in recent memory. Then the Usos rolled out of the ring to get themselves counted out and ended a good match far too short. Well, that feud will continue.
Naomi vs. Lana for the Women’s Title was passable, especially given Lana’s lack of experience wrestling. Carmella distracted them both by teasing a cash-in, but thankfully that didn’t happen and Naomi retained. Just think how amazing a Charlotte/Becky/Natalya vs. Naomi title match could have been. Apparently, we’ll have to wait to see that.
Randy Orton fell to Jinder Mahal in his hometown, continuing that curse, as well as the Jinder experiment. The match was fine, and as displeased as everyone else is, you really can’t say that they’re putting on the worst match each time they wrestle. The appearance of STL wrestling legends was a nice touch, but ultimately meaningless when they were dragged into the match yet made no impact on the inevitable loss for Orton.
The men’s MITB ladder match was the star of the show, but even that one was kind of a disappointment as far as my initial expectations. The reason why is pretty easy to pick out, as Shinsuke Nakamura got jumped by Baron Corbin during his entrance, which kept him out of the match for all but the last ten minutes. It’s hard to argue that Shinsuke, along with AJ Styles, is the most exciting, dynamic wrestler in the company, and the thought of him squaring off in a no-DQ environment against the likes of Kevin Owens, Styles, and Sami Zayn was a big part of the match’s appeal. Granted, he’s still somewhat protected in only succumbing to a sneak attack, and didn’t have to worry about selling or looking weak to the other wrestlers’ offenses in the match itself. That still doesn’t change the fact that he ought to have won the whole thing over Corbin after a hard-fought battle.
What I can say, though, is that the time he did spend in the ring was fantastic. Making a not-so-surprise, long-overdue return for the final third of the action, Shinsuke cleaned house, delivering a Kinshasa (sometimes several) to every other participant in the match. And then he and AJ went at it one-on-one. And it was the best part of the entire PPV, despite only lasting less than five minutes. In fact, the brevity of their exchange was a big contributor to its success. The two set aside the ladder, wanting to settle matters between them rather than rush to win the briefcase. That’s setting up a future match for sure, and given the quality of matches they’ve had in Japan, there’s a great chance that their next could be the best WWE match of the last few years. But the company is being smart, and letting things play their course out naturally. For once they aren’t rushing to deliver a big match, and it looks like that patience will pay off very well. Styles still looks to be feuding with Kevin Owens over the US Championship, and Shinsuke seems locked in to take on Baron Corbin after the pre-match beatdown. Hopefully Corbin, who got the win after dumping Shinsuke and AJ off the ladder, won’t be rushed to cashing in his title shot, and that storyline will be given some time to grow as well.
Beyond all of that, the action in the match itself was pretty good, and there were the expected number of high-risk spots provided by the ladder. Sami Zayn’s sunset-flip powerbomb on Dolph Ziggler from the top is probably the most notable of all, and Zayn himself was the quiet MVP of the entire match in my opinion. So hopefully he gets put into a decent program soon, because he deserves it, and the crowd is still totally behind him.
On a whole, the show was pretty close to abysmal, and I’m still pretty pissed off about the conclusion to the women’s match, but at least there were a few positives to take away. I’ve turned my opinion around a little bit since Sunday night, when I was nearly willing to write the entire show off as a failure. Still, considering that MITB is one of WWE’s bigger B-level shows, and especially when reminded that it came on the tails of the absolutely incredible New Japan Dominion show, you would think that they would at least put more of an effort out. It was disappointing, that’s for sure, but not bad enough to give up on the product entirely.
Up next we have the hideously misnamed Great Balls of Fire RAW PPV, which sounds somewhat promising at this point. The main attraction is of course the Universal Title match between Brock Lesnar and Samoa Joe. That match-up is incredible, and should at least deliver some hard-hitting action and hopefully make Brock look like he has to work for his position at the top. Unfortunately, given rumors of a planned Reigns-Lesnar match for the belt at WrestleMania next year, it’s almost certain that Joe will be losing the contest. That said, there’s still hope for an impressive match, given the fact that Joe is one of the few men at Brock’s exact height and weight. More than that, he incorporates hard MMA-style offense into his repertoire, and has legitimate combat experience. So even with him going under, Joe has the credibility and experience to at least be booked as a threat to Brock. Plus, the entire build-up to the match has been very well-executed and engaging, so there’s definite evidence that WWE won’t just drop the ball with this one, predictable outcome or not.