Forget to Watch the 2013 Billboard Music Awards? Ricki C. Has You Covered.

Billboard Music Awards 2013 / ABC television, Sunday night, May 19th​

8:00 pm – I can’t decide if Bruno Mars wants to be Michael Jackson, Prince or The Time, but he winds up coming off more like The Osmond Brothers, soul-wise, something I’m virtually certain he couldn’t have intended.

8:09 pm – Shania Twain presents the Best Rap Artist to Nicki Minaj, who, I believe, just lost her job on American Idol, so maybe the Billboards Music Award serves as some kind of unemployment compensation.  (Why is Shania Twain presenting a rap award?  And where is Mutt Lange when we need him?)

8:15 pm – Selena Gomez seems to be going for an Indian sub-continent Bollywood vibe in her performance; apparently mixing up where Guadalajara, or even California, or even America, are on a globe.

8:19 pm – Country sibling trio The Band Perry (who I always think are Steve Perry of Journey’s kids until my friend Kyle Garabadian tells me they’re not) distinguish themselves as the first musical act of the night to (ostensibly) actually play musical instruments.  (Maybe, maybe they’re playing instruments; everything sounds awfully perfect, no pun intended.)  Lead singer Kimberly seems to be channeling Stevie Nicks, or perhaps she believes she is Stevie Nicks.  I heavily suspect lip-synching, as, by the end of the song after a percussion finale, all three members of the band are huffing like a two-pack-a-day-unfiltered-Camels-addict on a smoke break out behind Steak & Shake, yet nobody has any trouble catching their breath to sing.

8:37 pm – I throw up my dinner during Chris Brown’s dance routine that masquerades as a song, and decide to go for a walk to clear my head, hoping I don’t miss Prince or Taylor Swift, the only two acts I really want to see.

9:08 pm – Singer/songwriter Kacey Musgraves seems to have beamed in her backing band from a Waycross honky-tonk in the 1970’s, and I find myself oddly yearning for Vicki Lawrence belting out “The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia.”

9:13-9:15 pm – The video montage to introduce Madonna’s Top Touring Artist Billboard Music Award is fully two minutes shorter than her acceptance speech (9:15-9:20 pm).  Will I. Am has to help Madonna down the four steps on the stage to the microphone.  You’re all waiting for an osteoporosis/broken hip joke here, but you’re not going to get one from me.

9:21 pm – Justin Bieber emerges for his big dance number from a pod EXACTLY like the one in Spinal Tap, except his opens at the correct time.  Bieber is auto-tuned from here to the International Space Station and I can only wish he was that high.

9:31 pm – Adele’s 21 album, which was released in 2011(!), is one of five records up for top-selling album in 2013.  Sad times for the music industry.  Taylor Swift wins the award, and I’m gratified that Kanye West doesn’t grab it away from her.

9:34 pm – Pitbull & Christina Aguilera appear together, my cue to hit the kitchen and make myself a banana split.

9:41 pm – A commercial for ABC-TV’s “Dancing With The Stars” informs me that Korean pop-phenom Psy will be guesting on the Monday night finale.  My sister is 67 years old.  “Dancing With The Stars” is her favorite TV program.  Enough said, insert your own South or North Korean joke here.

9:56 pm – Taylor Swift opening act & buddy Ed Sheeran comes on all acoustic guitar earnest & weepy and accomplishes the nearly impossible feat of actually almost making me wish for a Mumford & Sons appearance.  (I stress “almost.”)

10:13 pm – David Guetta, a dance-music DJ and reputed French person, wins an award and – as an American from the West Side of Columbus, Ohio – I find myself as threatened as those Tea Party guys find President Obama’s presidency.  As such, I am forced to turn off the Billboard Music Awards and pop in a DVD of News Radio that I got out of the Westerville Library.  Thus ends my blog review of the 2013 Billboard Music Awards.  (And I never even got to see Prince or Taylor Swift.)  (But then again, I’ll just punch ‘em up tomorrow on YouTube.  And isn’t that how computers have rendered TV obsolete?)

Ricki C. is a cranky 60-year old music guy who believes that rock & roll peaked somewhere around 1973 and hasn’t actually liked any songs recorded in the 21st century.  (Except for The Strokes first album and a bunch of Jack White.)  Feel free to check out his Growing Old With Rock & Roll blog at your leisure.)

Swingers as in..To Swing. 2013 MLB So Far

As we watch the 2013 Major League season pass the 20 percent pole we are in need of a new name for hitters. Swingers? Sounds kinky, and there's nothing sexy about the approach we're seeing. I need not pound your brain with reams of mind numbing statistics. It's sufficient to know that dating back to last season, the past eight months of play are the highest eight strike out months in Major League history. (And the top two were September of 2012 and April of this year.) Why? We've entered a new golden age of pitchers for one. Guys are developing in some cases four or five pitches with themes and variations on each.

And stepping to the dish eager to help are a whole host of batters possessing the approach of the little league kid I saw this morning swinging at a pitch a foot above his head. He has an excuse... he's 9 years old and wants to hit a home run because home runs are cool. Josh Hamilton is 32 years old, and wants to hit a home run too. He has four so far, all against MLB's closest thing to a little league squad the Houston Astros. Again no need to bludgeon with stats. Just know that Hamilton is swinging at over 50% of the first pitches he sees.....It's killing him, and the Angels. Between Hamilton and .239 hitting Albert Pujols the Angels are as I write 14-22 and floundering in fourth place. To win the west they'll have to go at least 76-50 from here on out, and that's being optimistic.  

 Biggest Surprises:

The American League East isn't going at all how I thought. The Blue Jays have been terrible. Josh Johnson and Jose Reyes are both injured. Reigning NL Cy Young Award Winner R.A. Dickey has been anything but Cy Young worthy and is trying to pitch through a balky back. Toronto isn't hitting, and aren't pitching and they sit in the cellar. The Red Sox and Yankees meanwhile perch on top with the Orioles, a game separating all three. How New York has managed their start is beyond me. They've had to play Lyle Overbay at first base most days for crying out loud. Meanwhile the Sox have seen Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz reclaim their careers.   

While no one was paying attention, and while many of their games were being played in arctic conditions, the Twins have a winning record.

Matt Cain, David Price, and Stephen Strasburg are all among the starters struggling to get themselves going.  

Can't slam the Angels without taking the Dodgers to task. All their free spending has them buried in last place.  

After a dismal stretch that included a 2-4 mark against the Astros, my Mariners are nonetheless a half game out of second in the west.

 No Surprises

The Astros and Marlins are God awful, though I will say this. Houston at least competes most nights.  

The Braves and Cardinals are both in first place. Are there better run organizations in baseball? I don't think so.   

The Mets can't hit.  

Guys I Have On My Struggling Fantasy Team That I Don't Like

I have four teams this season, and three are doing fine. In my big dough league though things are rough. I'm languishing in 7th with an anemic offense. If you play the fantasy game a team like this sends you dumpster diving on the waiver wire trying to catch someone on a brief jag. To that end I have on my roster right now: 

Travis Hafner

Yunel Escober

James Loney

Loney looks like another Rays' scrap heap special. They squeezed a big season out of Casey Kotchman a few years back after all... Loney is currently hitting .375. Probably not for long.  

Escobar is an odious homophobic punk with a terrible attitude. Fantasy is a mercenary game sometimes. I ain't proud of it, but if it's any solace he'll probably stink.  

Hafner I've had for a few weeks. He started off hot, but has cooled significantly. Tribe fans still may not recognize him however because he's not on the DL.... yet....  

Also of note is a guy I added last night. Scott Kazmir was all but forgotten.... For whatever reason the 29 year old Cleveland hurler has rediscovered a heater topping out at 96. The difference being he's not walking anyone. Even when his arm was at it's most lithe he'd walk the house while you weren't looking. I'll keep a close eye for you.  

AND....

If you're a fan of pitching take some time to see the Mets' Matt Harvey. The 24 year old has all the weapons, and a bulldog competitive streak too. A good place to start is Harvey's outing against the White Sox. While warming up he developed a damned nose bleed he was so fired up. What followed was a one hit, no walk masterpiece marred only by a "bleeder" infield single. I have this guy on two fantasy teams and he ain't going anywhere.) 

 Brian Phillips is the daytime DJ for the legendary Independent Rock n Roll Blowtorch CD102.5 in Columbus,OH. He knows a thing or two about a thing or two. 

Calling Bulls**t on Iron Man 3 by Johnny DiLoretto

First let me say that Iron Man 3 is a lot of fun. Robert Downey, Jr. maintains a headlock on Tony Stark – he’s incorrigibly charming and still giving his all to the role, committing to the serious stuff just as wholeheartedly as he dives into the smartass, billionaire playboy stuff, at which he excels.

But RDJ gets dealt a shitty hand here. I’d like to think he’s smart enough to catch the BS flaw in this movie but maybe not.

There are two things this movie gets right: Downey, Jr., who, I’ve mentioned, proves he is the undisputed leader of the Marvel superhero pack; and the marketing. They sold this movie like it was going to be the Iron Man version of the Dark Knight with Oscar winner Ben Kingsley as Iron Man’s comic book arch nemesis, The Mandarin.

The trailer campaigns made it look like Iron Man 3 was going to be a long, dark pull on a crisp, cold, light beer. I don’t even know what that means, but it sounds good.

It looked like they were taking the character to a grim place where he needed to reassess who he is as a man and a hero and then exact butt-kicking, chest-blasting revenge on a ruthless terrorist. Turns out, it’s not that at all. The movie surprisingly pushes hard on the comedy  but the fact that – BIG OL’ SPOILER – Kingsley’s Mandarin turns out not to be the magic ring-wielding fiend of the comics, but a drunken, drug-addled simpleton actor playing the role of his life is a lame smack to the face.

This might have worked at an earlier stage of the Iron Man evolution, back before Thor and Loki and the alien menace of The Avengers, back before Marvel thought mainstream audiences wouldn’t buy the more ridiculous, otherworldly aspects of the comic book universe.  But  now that’s all changed since Iron Man teamed up with the Hulk and Thor in The Avengers and fought Loki and an army of speeder-bike riding extraterrestrials.

It’s safe to say, I think audiences might have bought the magic ring-wearing version of the Mandarin.

Yes, Ben Kingsley is hilarious. Yes, it’s a surprise twist. But it’s jackass stupid. And it’s a nutless move.

But that’s not my biggest problem with the movie.

There’s a scene where nearly a dozen staffers get sucked out of a gaping hole torn in the fuselage of Air Force One and Iron Man flies out to save them, taking them by the hand one by one and forming a sky diving chain. With nearly a dozen people in tow,  he gently lowers into the bay below. It’s a stunning set piece – thrilling, inventive, and – heroic. Until, that is, the filmmakers reveal that Tony Stark is safely in the plane above remotely operating his suit of armor.

From the start of Downey’s turn as Stark, his journey has been one of a narcissistic hedonist who has found a path, through his technology, to a meaningful life. This all culminates at the end of The Avengers when he takes a nuclear missile up through a worm hole to save New York City.  As far as Stark knows, this is suicide. He is willing to sacrifice his life to save the lives of others. Once in space, he passes out and falls back through the worm hole before it closes up.

In Iron Man 3, Tony is haunted by his Avengers battle, you know, having faced down Asgardian evil and everything.

But this remote-controlled saving of the Air Force One passengers is a sign of sloppy writing and betrays the character’s arc. Maybe the old Tony Stark would have remote controlled his suit when human lives were at stake, but certainly not the post-Avengers Stark who has finally become a superhero by putting his life on the line for a greater cause.

In short, this is bullshit. This is how the glorification of video games is sneaking into our concept of heroism. So, now, people who fly drones are going to be considered as heroic as the soldiers on the ground?

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I don’t want my superheroes to be superheroes just because they’re awesome at video games.

Johnny DiLoretto is a man of many talents. Click here to learn more on our contributor page.

Your Life Is Closer To Over: The Week That Was by Brian Phillips

The best from my random facebook musings in the past week.   

News

This week I said nothing about Benghazi. What's the point. You either believe the president all but hired Al Qaida to attack the embassy (and if I cared to look I could find people who believe he did) or there's nothing worth discussing. I fall somewhere in between which is hardly fashionable. ​I'm pretty sure someone screwed up, but I don't believe anyone would do so on purpose. Bottom line for me? The people pushing this the hardest lack credibility and more to the point irritate the shit out of me. 

Instead of Benghazi I bring you Fugazi, protesting the First Gulf War, which is where we really went off the rails in that region anyway.​

And besides Benghazi is a useful distraction while Congress sold you out a bit more this week. ​

Along with Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi, Greg Palast is a favorite muckraker of mine. The Boston bombings sent him running to his filing cabinet and then to a plane for Kazakhstan. Was Boston random and isolated or more blow back? I'll leave it to you. ​

In related news, the CIA once tried to implant a microphone in a cat. ​

We were all thankful the Cleveland kidnapping victims were rescued. The conditions they left behind were as horrific as you can imagine. ​

From the No Shit Desk: Study indicates racists are stupid.  ​

A British study meanwhile says men carrying guitars are 31% more likely to get a phone number. Ladies at least make him whip out the damned thing and play it. ​

A small town in New York has been terrorized by a sort of Ice Cream man mafia. ​

​Sports

Sad to report Duncan Oughton is leaving the Crew coaching staff and TV booth to join the staff at Toronto FC. The one time Crew midfielder and New Zealand international is a hell of a guy and we will miss him. Of course the Crew will see him in a few days as they travel north for a Saturday match there. Cheers Duncan!​

If you're a fellow baseball nerd check out Alex Cobb's performance against San Diego Friday. Cobb became the only pitcher in big league history to strike out 13 batters in less than five innings of work. His night included the rare four strike out inning, and in that frame he allowed a run without a hit. The whole thing was one big oddity. 

And if you still harbor your inner 13 year old boy you'll find this slideshow of the most unfortunate names in sports history as amusing as I did. ​

History​

It was once a fad to make everything radioactive. ​

​And Finally Tonight

​​A man who shot and wounded his nine year old cousin dressed as a skunk for Halloween gets probation. Why? He thought she was a real skunk. Shockingly drugs and alcohol were not involved. 

'Searching For Sugar Man' this Wednesday @ the Gateway Film Center. Seriously, Don't Miss This Movie.

Unlike other websites that shall remain nameless**, we here at Pencilstorm don't just clack around on keyboards in our parents basement. No sir, on occasion we actually get off our ass and go do things with real live human beings. One of those things is our movie series, Reelin' and Rockin" at the Gateway Film Center. It is the brainchild of CD1025 DJ Brian Phillips and myself.  The 3rd Wednesday of the month we feature a rock n roll themed moving picture for your pleasure. This Wednesday May 15th we are proud to be showing the Acadamy Award winning documentary "Searching For Sugar Man". Hardcore music nerds like Brian and myself meet at the upstairs bar around 7pm and the movie starts at 8pm. Admission is only $5 and all proceeds benefit CD1025 for the kids.

This September will be the two year anniversary of Reelin' and Rockin' and we thank everybody who has made it possible. Hope to see you this Wednesday for 'Searching For Sugar Man' and at future Reelin' and Rockin' events. 

Click here for the link to Reelin and Rockin facebook page with all you need to know about all you need to know.

Click here if you need more convincing to read Ricki C's glowing review for 'Searching For Sugar Man' 

** - Grantland

A Blog About Losing a Mom, Trying to Become a Mom

          "I Should Have Had Ten of You"​

My sister Kellie has been writing this blog since August 2012 and it has gained quite a dedicated following. As a successful paralegal working in Atlanta, I have no idea how she churns out as much material as she does, but she updates constantly. In short, the blog concerns her struggling to overcome the death of her (and my) Mother from cancer while attempting, and often failing at becoming a mother herself. The writing at times is painfully personal and not for the weak of heart. But If you stick it out, it is a powerful testimonial that for some, Mother's Day isn't just May 12th, it is everyday of the year.

Click here for a link to the very first post where Kellie explains where has she came up with the title and what the blog is all about. ​

Colin Gawel is the brother of Kellie Caldwell and plays in the band Watershed and writes for Pencilstorm.  www.colingawel.com