High-Speed Rail to Defeat Conestoga Wagon For Big Ten Title by Colin Gawel

The bad news first: Buckeye fans are, by and large, a horde of insufferable, whiny blowhards. I should know, I am a huge Buckeye fan. Even in the midst of the longest winning streak in school history we either:  A) Complain about how our defense sucks, we should fire Luke Fickell and we were lucky to win, or B) Complain that the media doesn't give our team its just due, Mark May should be fired, and we deserve the #1 ranking over those borderline rapists from FSU.

Which is it Buckeye Fans? Should we fire Luke Fickell or try to get Mark May terminated? You have to pick one guy or the other. Can't have it both ways, so whose side are you on?  

While you ponder that mental puzzle, I will give you the good news: The Buckeyes are going to beat MSU this weekend in Indianapolis and advance to the BCS title game in Pasadena. And don't worry about Auburn jumping us if we win. There is this thing called "math" (which most of us OSU graduates managed to avoid entirely during college) and it works in our favor. So come this Saturday when we beat Sparty, the Bucks are a mortal lock for the big dance. Don't let the talking heads fool you. All you need to know is this:

Numbers + numbers = Buckeyes. Done deal.

"But what about Michigan State? Don't take them for granted."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a little nervous too, after squeaking by Michigan and then immediately reading a bunch of shit-talk from a rightfully salty MSU team. "We should have beat them last year...," "This is our time...," Coach Dantonio, "We are coming for your ass" "We aren't planning on losing....," blah-blah-blah.

But after a couple of days' reflection it occurred to me that as much as I love and respect Tresselball - as implemented by his protege Mark Dantonio -  it's day has come and gone. Much like Nate Silver accurately predicting the last Presidential election months before the results*, there is this train called "progress" and it is rolling down the tracks. Urbanball isn't going to be slowed by a group of three-star recruits who have won playing field-position football against a ledger of unranked opponents. This style may work against the rest of the Big Ten but OSU isn't your grandaddy's Big Ten Team, particularly inside the climate-controlled confines of the new Hoosier Dome. (Or whatever it's called.)

I'm sure MSU would love us to join them in the mudpit for an old school wrestling match, but it ain't gonna happen this Saturday on artificial turf. Have fun playing old school, Sparty suckers, let us know how that works out for you. OSU Offensive Coordinator Tom "Mensa Is My Middle Name" Herman is a smart guy (duh), some might even say a progressive thinker when it comes to football. He is going to go around the strength of the Sparty defense riding Braxton's underrated passing until it is time for Carlos Hyde to deliver the knockout blow. 

Granted, this is the biggest game in the history of Michigan State Football. They are motivated, salty, and they want some. Well, lucky for them they are going to get some, and then some. This match-up is a Conestoga wagon vs. high-speed rail. Neither exists in America presently, but one soon will. 

Take High-Speed Rail over Conestoga Wagon and give the points (5 1/2)

Colin Gawel plays in the band Watershed and writes for Pencilstorm. As thanks for his advice, you gambling types can buy him a beer at the Bluestone on Sunday, Dec 15th and/or Woodland's Monday, Dec 23rd.

*Speaking of whiny blowhards, I know all of you political types get all sensitive when the subject of politics come up, but the Nate Silver reference wasn't meant to offend or take a left wing/right wing side, just that he had the numbers to predict who would win the election months in advance. It was a lock. The TV-news network talking heads still have to keep you watching, so they keep the drama up 24/7, numbers be damned. Election coverage and BCS coverage are the same animal, no matter who you are rooting for.

Throwing Fat On The Hot Stove Fire by Brian Phillips

It's not even the winter meetings yet and players are flying all over the place. Let's try to get a quick handle on a very active early hot stove season. 

Jacoby Ellsbury Reportedly To Yanks

Pending a physical, the now ex-Red Sox outfielder heads to the Bronx at a reported seven years and $153 million. Ellsbury is a nice player and should see a power jump in tiny Yankee Stadium. That said, he's never hitting 32 home runs (2011) again. Seven years is long contract for a 31 year old, and one wonders if Scott Boras has once again talked someone into negotiating with themselves. 

Ellsbury's signing might cast doubt on the return of Robinson Cano, but if they could talk him down on the years a bit... The Yankees need to improve their rotation as well. Lots of moving parts here... and lots of money. If the Boss were still alive this would already be sorted, right?

(Also I should note that the Yankees inking former Braves catcher Brian McCann last week is a no-brainer. Instant vast improvement over the sad sacks they had behind the dish in 2013.)

Mariners/Cano Use Each Other. It's Sad Really

The Tweets came fast and furious Tuesday afternoon from the Pacific Northwest. "Mariners all in on Cano" etc. This is utter bullshit. Cano needs someone to feign interest in signing him for the 7 or 8 or 10 years he's demanding from the Yanks and the Mariners need to look like they're doing something. Hopefully the dopes in the front office are at least aware that Cano is in on the gag. I don't think it's at all coincidental that this pops up the day after the Seahawks plastered the Saints on Monday Night Football. No one is talking about the Mariners in Seattle.

Wednesday some muscle was added to this skeleton with reports Cano had stopped over in Seattle for the big sales push. They should have brought him in Monday so he could see the Seahawks. At least he would have had a good time.

Whoever this guy is put it pretty well: 

Brandon Jacobs ‏@brandon_jacobz1h

Yankees will end up with Cano. You don't sign with Jay-Z to go play in Seattle and endorse raincoats.

The raincoat line is predictable, but the sentiment is probably smart. Jay-Z isn't going to see his first major sports client sign with the Seattle Mariners. No way.

(The other day I was laughing at my team when I learned the M's had brought back 36 year old utility infielder Willie Bloomquist at two years and $5.3 million. As one analyst put it to me via Twitter on Monday (to paraphrase) 'Bloomquist is a not-good version of Nick Punto.' Can't wait for the bobblehead night!)

Meanwhile in Oakland 

It's never dull watching the Athletics. While you were stuffing your pie hole and watching college football over the weekend GM Billy Beane was working on reinventing his bullpen. This week Oakland traded failed first round second baseman Jemile Weeks to the Orioles for closer Jim Johnson and then Tuesday shipped fourth outfielder Seth Smith to San Diego for set-up man Luke Gregerson. 

With Beane you have to think several steps ahead. Mr. Moneyball doesn't give a crap about closers. He let the effective Grant Balfour walk this off season because Balfour wanted more dough. Beane knows it doesn't matter who closes as long as he's not paying him a lot and the guy is good at his job. Sure Johnson is going to pull $6.5 million this year and his middling strike-out rate makes me wonder, but I'm guessing Beane wouldn't be adverse to flipping him. The 9th inning ball could then go to the effective Gregerson or holdover Ryan Cooke, for that matter. Bottom line: Johnson won't be in Oakland beyond 2014. 

An intriguing signing out in the East Bay came over the weekend when the A's gave resurrected starter Scott Kazmir two years and 22 million bucks. This is huge risk for Oakland at that price. Kazmir was out of baseball not that long ago, and while he enjoyed a nice rebound in velocity with Cleveland last year, I'd be a bit hesitant to commit that much money. I'm going to assume they've done their homework, however, because the A's don't make a habit of doing stupid things. Look for Oakland to intensify efforts to trade lefty Brett Anderson now. I love this kid's arm, but he just can't stay healthy. 

Motown Makeover

Fascinating what's gone down in Detroit of late. First Prince Fielder got shipped to Texas for second baseman Ian Kinsler and then Tuesday starter Doug Fister was traded to Washington for infielder Steve Lombardozzi and a couple of relievers. The Tigers finished the day by finally signing the closer they couldn't find last year in ex-Ranger and Twin Joe Nathan. 

I'm not really sure what the end-game is in Detroit, as I keep hearing the Tigers are shopping Cy Young award winner Max Scherzer as well. Scherzer's deal is up after 2014 and he's going to command a huge payday. 

Elsewhere

In a three-team deal the Rays acquired catcher Ryan Hanigan from the Reds and reliever Heath Bell from Arizona. Hanigan is the kind of well-regarded defensive player Tampa Bay covets. He can throw out runners and frame those pitches. Hanigan is a better hitter than he showed last year, too. Bell meanwhile seems washed up, but after the 2012 the Rays squeezed out of Fernando Rodney I'm going to give it time. 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria showed baseball he's not the tightwad portrayed in the media, signing Red Sox catcher Jarod Saltalamacchia to a 3 year, 21 million dollar pact. After all, those extra jersey letters ain't free! 

The Sox countered with another hard-to-spell signing, inking veteran A.J. Pierzynski to a one year deal. Combining A.J. with solid veteran back up David Ross gives the Sox a nice backstop situation for the year. 

Wednesday, news broke that Colorado was nearing a pact with Justin Morneau. I love this pairing. Morneau's value just went up in fantasy drafts. Expect to see a long-awaited power rebound for the once robust Morneau.

And earlier this week those Rockies shipped speedy outfielder Dexter Fowler to the Astros for pitcher Jordan Lyles and outfielder Brandon Barnes. Houston may have gotten themselves a nice steal here. Fowler saw a dip in batting average in 2013, but his peripheral numbers held up pretty well for the most part. Barnes isn't a prospect and Lyles better improve his ground ball rate or he's going to get killed even worse than he did in Houston. 

Brian Phillips is a DJ at CD102.5 in Columbus, Ohio. He knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

Colin Gawel and The Lonely Bones, "Still Love Christmas"

Here at Pencilstorm, we are so hip, we write our own holiday music. Sadly, the master tapes of "I Ate Christmas For Breakfast" were ruined when the original Pencilstorm offices were destroyed by a mysterious fire that broke out shortly following our "Festivus" party in 2004. Thankfully, we used some of the insurance money to record the new classic, "Still Love Christmas" by Colin Gawel and The Lonely Bones. (along with an off the hook Vegas weekend. Make sure to ask Hassler about that if you see him)

Watch the video below and purchase the entire record here.

And if you can somehow put down the egg nog and get off your ass, Watershed is playing the Bluestone Sunday Dec 15th @ 5:30 pm & Colin and The Bones are at Woodland's Monday Dec 23rd at 7pm. Both times are solid. Excellent chance you will hear this song live and find yourself singing along. What else can we do?

The title song to Colin Gawel and the Lonely Bones' December 2010 release. We shot the video at the "Still Love Christmas" release party at Rumba Cafe in Columbus, OH. COLINGAWEL.com

I'm A Sucker For Rivalries

Big time college sports have a lot wrong with them, but you knew that. It's really a giant, federally shielded cartel. I feel dirty watching. I try not to tolerate hypocrisy in my life, and my continued consumption of college football is nothing more than a personal failing. 

But to hell with all my sniveling. My dad says I should stop dragging around my "sack of rocks." He's probably right. I obsess too much about things I have no power to change. And besides, rivalry weekend is my favorite weekend of college football. I'll suspend disbelief once again and allow myself to be swallowed whole by the fish story that is the tale of the vaunted "student athlete." Any time there's a cup, ax, egg, bucket, or trinket up for grabs I'm there.

Friday

The Apple Cup

Washington State (6-5) at Washington (7-4)

I'm a Coug. Every year my wife and kids know they'd best clear a wide birth during this game. For the second straight season the game is being contested on Black Friday and they have again chosen this year to stand in line at any store anywhere rather than being anywhere near me. I get it. This isn't a game, it's a God-damned war. 

In Seattle they were calling for Coach Sark's head before the slumping Huskies pummeled Oregon State last Saturday. If the Dawgs can again ride running back Bishop Sankey it could be a long day for my Cougs. Washington State has to force a banged up Keith Price to beat them. Last year's game turned on getting some pressure on Price.

On the other side of the ball QB Connor Halliday has to continue to take care of the ball as he has the past two weeks. If Wazzu can generate a bit of a running game again behind the unheralded Danny Woodheadish Marcus Mason, Washington will have to stay somewhat honest. 

In 2012 the Cougs overcame an 18 point fourth quarter hole to win 31-28 in overtime. Washington hasn't forgotten. They'll have more to remember after this one.

Washington State 48 Washington 45

The Civil War

Oregon State (6-5) at Oregon (9-2)

The Beavers have imploded in the second half of the season, and it's easy to diagnose the issue. They can't run the ball and as opponents have put increasing pressure on Oregon State quarterback Sean Mannion, the junior has wilted. 

As for Oregon I probably won't live long enough to figure out how Arizona drilled them last week. Perhaps part of the problem was Oregon expressing boredom with vying for another trip to the Rose Bowl. That is no longer a concern. At this point the Ducks may be stuck with a trip to San Antonio. Boo hoo Nike U.

Oregon 52 Oregon State 31

Saturday

Ohio State (11-0) at Michigan (7-4)

Brady Hoke is a throw back. The Michigan coach doesn't wear a coat, or as our editor Colin Gawel has pointed out, a head set either. Perhaps he ought to put one on. Hoke stated a desire to play power football, but he still doesn't have the right guys for the job. The Wolverines are 100th in the nation in rushing, and logged a stunning MINUS 21 yards on the ground against a mediocre Nebraska defense. 

Ohio State meanwhile is doing their thing. Braxton Miller is a hoot to watch, and Carlos Hyde may be the top back taken in next spring's draft. The defense looks a bit suspect on occasion, but Michigan will pose few problems.

Ohio State 41 Michigan 10

Duke (9-2) at North Carolina (6-5)

Yes, it's football I'm talking about. David Cutcliffe is a damned miracle worker in guiding Duke to their greatest season since the Blue Devils lost to Oregon State 20-16 in the 1942 Rose Bowl. (A game played in Durham because they were afraid the Japanese would bomb the stadium.) 

The schools, 11 miles apart, have a rare get together with both enjoying winning records.

Duke 34 North Carolina 24.

The Iron Bowl

Alabama (11-0) at Auburn (10-1)

Stunning how fast this game has turned into one with huge national meaning again. The past two years Bama has won by a combined score of 91-14. Auburn boosters chased Gene Chizik from Toomer's Corner after that. 

The Tigers are on their way now, but still not quite up to Alabama's level. Still they are at home... It'll be closer than you think.

Alabama 34 Auburn 26

Ray Davies is the Best Songwriter. Exhibit A

Anybody who regularly visits the acclaimed Pencilstorm music page knows we like to blow around some serious hot air concerning rock n roll. We do, in all seriousness, know a thing or two about a thing or two and are proud of our work. Still, we concede that rock criticism is a subjective field dominated by losers who would rather write about rock than go out and actually rock. The informed reader is right to take all of our musings with a grain of salt. After all, it is the internet, and we don't even have a podcast. How lame is that?

However, like the sun rising in the East or that math formula PIE you once learned, some facts are established and beyond dispute. Reasonable people can agree, Ray Davies is the greatest songwriter the planet Earth has ever produced. FACT. 

"What? That Kinks guy is the best songwriter? You are crazy. NO WAY Pencilstorm guy."

OK, just for the sake of argument, we suppose, it's mathematically possible that some other Galaxy has produced a better songwriter than Ray, but the burden of proof is on you my friend. Tune your HAM radio to the stars and find it. Because here on this planet, Ray Davies has written more interesting and better songs than: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Hank Williams, Robbie Fulks, all those show tune guys, Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, Elvis Costello, Bruce Springsteen, Chuck Berry, Lucinda Williams, Terry Anderson, Steve Earle, Paul Westerberg, Mick and Keith, Dee Dee Ramone,  Leonard Cohen, Townes Van Zandt, Loretta Lynn and insert your favorite here_______________

There is no debate. Ray Davies is the best songwriter and it's really not even close. We  will now lay out this case in a systematic and cold blooded fashion. Check Pencilstorm every other Sunday morning for another exhibit of Raymond Douglas Davies genius. 

Exhibit A: Village Green Preservation Society

We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and Variety
We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?

We are the draught beer preservation society
God save Mrs. Mopp and good old Mother Riley
We are the custard pie appreciation consortium
God save the George Cross and all those who were awarded them
We are the Sherlock Holmes English speaking vernacular
Help save Fu Manchu, Moriarty and Dracula

We are the office block persecution affinity
God save little shops, china cups and virginity
We are the skyscraper condemnation affiliate
God save Tudor houses, antique tables and billiards
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do?

God save the village green.

London UK 24 January 1973

Ricki C. Calls "Bullshit" On Rolling Stone Magazine's Lou Reed "Tribute"

A coupla weeks ago I bet my good friend Joe Peppercorn of The Whiles five bucks that Rolling Stone wouldn't put Lou Reed on the cover of the next issue, that they'd half-ass his Death Tribute Remembrance by putting some jag-off like Ryan Seacrest or Miley Cyrus on the cover and just do a few pages on Lou's passing inside the mag.  The bet came about at a late-night discussion held at Quinn Fallon's Little Rock bar, after a gig at the Rumba Cafe where Colin's Lonely Bones opened a show for Willie Phoenix's new band, Blues Hippy & The Soul Underground.

The four people involved in the discussion were me, Joe, Colin, and Michael "Biggie" McDermott, road manager extraordinaire of Watershed, so we had at least three generations of rockers involved, ranging in age from 30's (Joe) to 60's (me), therefore rock & roll as it relates to mortality rates seemed an apropos topic.

I never welch on a bet, so I'm gonna pay Joe next time I see him, but I'm only paying off $2.50 due to Rolling Stone's bullshit move of putting Lou on one cover, but then running an "alternate" back cover of some half-naked Latina babe, so that each individual retail outlet can make their own decision on which cover to display.  (case in point: In the Giant Eagle, Kroger & Meijer I was in this week, the cheesecake cover predominated.  The only store that featured the Lou version was the oh-so-erudite Barnes & Noble.  Either way, it's a pussy move on Rolling Stone's part: why not one cover and the rack jobbers have to sink or swim with Lou?) 

The actual Rolling Stone coverage was equally watered-down & tepid.  (Not that I really expected better, Rolling Stone hasn't really been a rock & roll magazine since maybe 1969, when Jann Wenner made his rock & roll bed by championing hometown San Fransciscans Jefferson Airplane and The Grateful Dead and leaving what he considered the Great Unwashed Midwestern Heathen Rock of The MC5 and The Stooges and the oh-so-nihilistic New York noise of The Velvet Underground out in the Great Rock & Roll Wasteland.  But I digress.)  The David Fricke article was workmanlike but hardly inspired and the remembrances from various rockers & arty film types ranged from touching (Reed's widow Laurie Anderson may almost have brought a tear to my jaded eye) to typical & rote.  (Why does Rolling Stone insist on having U-2's Bono contribute a full-page eulogy every time somebody dies?  It's like being born Irish entitles him to some Grand Vision we lesser Americans are not privy to.  I like Bono, but he's hardly James Joyce.  Or even Frank McCourt.)  And where were contributions from surviving Velvet Underground members John Cale or Maureen Tucker?

The low point of the "tributes" was Michael Stipe of REM's totally exclusionary, humorless casting of Lou Reed as an Outsider Gay Icon.  If I'm going to take Stipe's piece at face value, I myself, as a heterosexual working-class boy in the 1960's, would not have been permitted to enjoy the music of The Velvet Underground because I did not possess the Proper Hipster Cred that Stipe seems to want to demand of Lou listeners.  Shame on you Michael, rock & roll is supposed to be for Everybody, not just The Cool Kids. - Ricki C. / November 13th, 2013

ps. By far the best, most moving tribute I've read for Lou was by his fellow poet/rocker Patti Smith on The New Yorker website that my pal Hamell On Trial sent me.  Check it out here: 

PATTI SMITH ON LOU REED