LeBron James is Returning To Cleveland!! Hate To Say I Told You So! - by Colin G.

July 11, 2014 Colin Gawel

I wrote this in June 2013. OOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!!!!!! Bust.

"LeBron James is Returning to Cleveland" (June 2013)

Accomplishing all he set out to do in leaving his hometown to join the Miami Heat, LeBron James will be returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers for the 2015 NBA season. The two biggest reasons LBJ is abandoning South Beach for the North Shore are money and legacy. The order is debatable, but let's state the obvious first.

Money

LeBron James is the planet's most underpaid athlete. Thanks to the NBA salary cap, LBJ didn't rank in the top FIFTY highest paid athletes in the world according to wages earned in 2013. Ouch. Fighter Manny Pacquiao checked in at #1 earning a cool $52,000,000 for his efforts. Peyton Manning rounds out the bottom at #50 squeezing by on a paltry $18,000,000. Despite the cap, the Association has a number of players checking in, including Kobe Bryant (#8), Brandon Roy (#23), Carmelo Anthony (#32), Dwight Howard (#44) and good old "I didn't know he was still in the league" Elton Brand (#48). There are some other players mixed in, but this should give you some idea of the financial snub the King is enduring.

With David Stern's plantation-style compensation plan firmly in place, we are left to speculate what LeBron would be worth on the open market to an owner like Mark Cuban or that Russian mogul who owns the nets. Hell, I think even Manchester United would pony up to get LeBron on the pitch, if only for merchandising. I can hear you thinking, "No worries, Bron-Bron cashes in on endorsements, right?" Uh, actually, LBJ destroyed that revenue stream when he uttered those now infamous words: "I'm taking my talents to South Beach." to a live TV audience.

Overnight, according to the 'Q' rating which determines the marketability of potential celebrities to advertisers, LBJ dropped an unheard of 77%. Or put another way, he went from being the single most popular athlete on the planet to ranking in the bottom six along with the likes of Michael Vick and Terrell Owens.

Obviously winning titles has helped that Q rating recover and so does the fact that Lebron is truly a good guy. The problem with LBJ these days isn't his likeability, that has recovered and deservingly so, it is that his storyline is much less compelling than it was or could be. He is back to making respectable dough (40 million in endorsements in 2013) but still a far cry from when his goal was to be "the first billion dollar athlete."

Which of the following story lines makes for more compelling entertainment?

Storyline #1: "Star athlete leaves for greener pastures and attempts to win multiple titles surrounded by highly paid mercenaries in a city known for apathetic sports fans"

Storyline #2: "Prodigal Son returns to his long suffering hometown to make good on a promise to finally bring the fans a title."

The "Prodigal LeBron" returning home would instantly become the top story in every sport and would remain so until Lebron either brought home the gold or died trying. Even the NFL would kneel before "The Chosen One."

Could you imagine the ratings? It's a wonder that ABC, ESPN and NIKE don't just pony up a cool hundred million under the table just to entice LeBron to return home to fulfill his destiny.

Legacy

I wonder if LeBron regrets that giant "Chosen One" tattoo the way middle-aged bankers regret that Tasmanian Devil tattoo they are forced to sport on the beach. Just to refresh, LeBron anointed himself the chosen one in reference to him being chosen to end Cleveland's long miserable title-less history. It wasn't forced on him. Jim Brown did not hold him down and make him get the tattoo. Now he has to stare at it everyday. Well, sorta, in the mirror. Still... Chosen one? Chosen to add trophies to Dwayne Wade and South Florida's already well-stocked trophy case? How Biblical indeed.

And let's face it, the NBA is an Alpha Dog game and the big boys mocked LBJ for abandoning "his" team and jumping ship to find an easier path to the title. The reasoning behind his decision was solid, and yes, it worked. But... to the likes of Jordan, Bird, Thomas, Magic, Kobe...Lebron was a pussy for giving up. I'm not saying that is entirely fair, but the big NBA Alpha Dogs will hold that against LBJ when it comes to "all time greatness" comparisons and so forth. They stuck it out through tough times with "their" teams , LBJ caved and ran for help. If Lebron doesn't make good with "his" team, he better get ready for a lifetime of smirks and ball-busting when he hangs around the ice sculpture with the other NBA greats at reunion parties. Or to put it bluntly: One title in Cleveland is worth fifteen in Miami. Speaking of titles.....

Winning Titles

Since LeBron took his talents South, the Cavs have added Kyrie Irving along with a host of other young talented players and even have the #1 overall pick in this year's NBA draft. Additionally, they have plenty of cap space to add LBJ and even a veteran role player or two. In fact, according to the oddsmakers, if Lebron joined the Cavs they would be odds on favorites to win the NBA title. How bad would Miami be without LeBron anyway? 22-60 sounds about right.

LeBron Never Left Akron Anyway

His family and residence still remain in Akron. No movers or school changes needed.

But What About Dan Gilbert and All The Stupid Cleveland Fans?

As a diehard sportstown, it's fair to say Cleveland has more than it's fair share of idiots who would resist the King returning to his kingdom. Cavs owner Dan Gilbert was preaching to the lowest common denominator when he lost his shit and went on that top- shelf fueled twitter rant bashing LBJ and promising the Cavs would win a title before Lebron. Uh yeah, sure we will Dan.

While nobody can guarantee a title, we do know for sure that the value of the Cleveland franchise would double overnight when LBJ signs on. I'm sure that is plenty of incentive for Mr. Gilbert to make nice and welcome the King home. As for the fans, the stupid ones will fall in line soon enough as the winning begins.

I'll Just Go Ahead And Write What Lebron Should Say To Avoid Another Decision Debacle

"I would like to start by thanking the Miami Heat organization, my teammates and especially the fans for making my time in South Beach so enjoyable. I gave my all and I think we enjoyed some great moments together. For this I will be forever grateful. When I came to Miami, I had never lived anywhere outside of my hometown of Akron, Ohio. I never had the college experience or a chance to experience something completely different from what I knew growing up. With the benefit of these past years, I can see know how much I have matured during my time in the Sunshine State. Once again, I want to thank everybody in the Miami Heat community for treating me so well, but my work is done here. It is time for me to return home to my city and my family and once again give it my all to try and win a title for the great sports fans of Ohio."

Colin Gawel writes stuff for Pencilstorm when there aren't any customers at his coffee shop. He plays in the band Watershed and you can read all about his interesting life in the best-selling memoir "Hitless Wonder - A Life in Minor League Rock n Roll" by Joe Oestreich. He lives in Columbus, OH.

I Went Ahead and Wrote LeBron's Return Speech for Him. by Colin G.

July 11, 2014 Colin Gawel

Lebron, I know you are busy with free agency, stocking the mini bar on the Lear jet and getting ready for the World Cup, so I thought I would do my share and knock out a "return to Cleveland" statement for your use. Takes one thing off your plate anyway. No need to thank me, it's really the least I could do. Have fun in Brazil. See ya around The Flats soon.

This was originally part of "LeBron James Returns to Cleveland" Click here for the full story.

Colin Gawel founded Pencilstorm and can't add much more than that right now because he is at work.

Attention Families: Colin Gawel and The Lonely Bones @ Goodale Park Sunday July 13th, 12:30pm

July 7, 2014 Colin Gawel

Colin Gawel and The Lonely Bones are happy to once again be part of the Goodale Park music series. It is the PERFECT event for family fun. The band will be performing at the gazebo in Goodale Park from 12:30-2pm on Sunday July 13th. Admission is free and you can pack a cooler or hit up a food truck for your dining pleasure. They are the only band performing so plenty of parking and space will be available to all.

Also, Colin just released a brand new song, "Podcast". Click here to visit colingawel.com and give it a spin. You will be glad you did.

Pencilstorm Has the Internet's Biggest Firework Display. (w/playlist)

July 4, 2014 Wal Ozello

First the good news: instead of battling traffic jams, massive crowds and random bottle- rockets being shot at your head by gangs of roving Juggalos, you can enjoy the world's greatest fireworks in the safety of your own home, compliments of Pencilstorm. You are welcome. (Grantland can kiss our Red, White and Blue ass.) The less good news is the "World's Greatest Fireworks Display" happens to be from Kuwait. Still, they appear to be celebrating some sort of "Constitution" and we did save their ass back in the original Gulf War, so Uncle Sam surely helped light a couple of these candles. Enjoy! USA! USA! - Colin G. (Wal takes it after the boom.)

For the paltry sum of just £10million Kuwait earned a place in the Guinness Book of Records last night as it celebrated the golden jubilee anniversary of its constitution in style by laying on the biggest fireworks display of all time.

Take it Wal Ozello...

It's that time of year again. Grilling out, someone gets a keg, and then everyone piles into a car and heads out to the fireworks. Whether you're going local this year, or heading down to Red, White, and Boom, chances are you will hear Katie Perry's Fireworks this season. Thanks for ruining Fourth of July for us. As if Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA wasn't annoying enough.

So we here at Pencilstom have some suggestions for an alternative playlist. Some are fireworks related, some are patriotic, and some are just kick-ass to listen to while explosions happen above you in the sky.

Wal's List

T.N.T. - AC/DC

American Idiot - Green Day

Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen (This is America's rock anthem, and NOT Born In the U.S.A. - that's a totally different blog discussion.)

American Girl - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Panama - Van Halen

Colin's List

Heaven's On Fire - Kiss or Rocket Ride - Ace Frehley or God of Thunder - Kiss

Tick Tick Boom - The Hives

Welcome To The Jungle - Guns N Roses

Kick Out the Jams - MC5

Ricki's List

Fourth Of July - Dave Alvin

4th Of July - Aimee Mann

4th Of July, Asbury Park (Sandy) - Bruce Springsteen

Dirty Boulevard - Lou Reed

Summer In The City - The Lovin' Spoonful

That's it for this year's playlist.

Enjoy the Fourth. Be safe. Thank a soldier for your freedom.

KISS / Def Leppard Opening Night by Nick Jezierny

July 2, 2014 Colin Gawel

I made a last-second decision to drive five hours to Salt Lake City, Utah, from Boise, Idaho, to see Kiss and Def Leppard open their tour. My original plan was to buy a cheap lawn seat and take in the show. It would be my ninth time seeing Kiss and my maiden voyage seeing Def Leppard, and with the ability to work in Salt Lake, I wouldn’t have to drive back immediately after the concert to be at work on time.

The lawn seats were sold out when I got to the Usana Ampitheatre, so I purchased the $89 ticket toward the back of the lower bowl. Well, that seat turned out to be right behind a light pole, so I walked back up to the ticket office and my only other option was a $159 ticket. I bit, and I was in the 8th row, second seat in from the aisle. This proved to be very handy for easier access to the $9/24 oz. cans of beer (note: Utah beer is lower alcohol, so I don’t feel bad for the five cans I consumed) and also a great view of the stage. I also took a cab to and from the show.

Def Leppard impressed me. I’ve heard that Joe Elliott’s voice was shot, but that wasn’t the case. I thought he sounded great. Did he hit the truly high notes on “Foolin’” or “Bringing On The Heartbreak?” No, but he held his own in a big way. Who knows if he can keep that up over the full tour, but he shined on Opening Night.

The band took the stage as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” was blaring through the sound system, and as a nice touch, they played the final verse of the tune before running right into “Let It Go."

Vivian Campbell, Phil Collen and RIck Savage were energetic and provided some oomph on the backing vocals throughout. Hard to believe that it’s the same Vivian Campbell that I saw back in August of 1984 performing with Dio. The long hair is gone, but his flashy playing remains.

The highlight of the set for me “Bringing On The Heartbreak,” which started out as an acoustic number. Midway through, the band swapped guitars and finished the song with a rousing electrical version that went right into “Switch 625.” This was surprising to me as it was the only “non-hit” performed. It’s an instrumental where neither guitarist was a part of the original. (Steve Clark and Peter Tom Willis were on the “High N Dry” album.)

The band’s visual show was solid. Throughout the songs, images from videos past flashed on the screen. The crowd got a real kick of the old band photos that kept showing up on the stage, which showed just how young these boys were when they started.

Most of the set-list was from “Hysteria,” and the two-song encore was “Rock of Ages” and “Photograph.”

As for Kiss, it was a typical Kiss show. All of the same tricks — breathing fire, spitting blood, Paul gliding out to sing to the people in back, Gene “flying” to the rafters, the big drum riser and Tommy Thayer shooting pyro from guitar — made appearances. The only old trick that didn’t surface was the classic Ace Frehley smoking guitar.

Though it was predictable, I most definitely enjoyed it. I guess I viewed this as my farewell tour. I last saw Kiss in 2001 on the “farewell tour” and figured that was it. No, Kiss showed they can still deliver a solid show. I just wish some of the old tricks would be freshened up or retired. Judging by the reaction of the jam-packed crowd, I was in the minority. People were eating this up.

Kiss only played 13 songs. There was no encore as Paul said they were trying to beat the 11 p.m. curfew. It was the first time I’ve seen Kiss where “Deuce” wasn’t a part of the setlist. We got “Hide Your Heart,” which was the biggest surprise to me. Nothing from “Monster” or “Sonic Boom,” so it was strictly a case of the old stuff.

Paul didn’t sound very good. It was almost as if he had a sore throat. He only sang six songs (King of the Nighttime World, Hide Your Heart, Shout it Out Loud, Makin’ Love, Psycho Circus and Detroit Rock City). Just watch the video clip below and you’ll hear what I’m talking about.

Gene also sang six songs (Cold Gin, War Machine, Christine Sixteen, I Love It Loud, Let Me Go Rock N Roll and Rock and Roll All Nite). Drummer Eric Singer handled the vocals on “Black Diamond.”

I’m curious to see how the tour progresses. Will set lists change? With a catalog of 200-plus songs, Kiss can’t play everything. I was overall pleased with the mix I got to see. They probably could have snuck in a 14th song had Paul not asked the crowd to scream the chorus of “Hide Your Heart” a million times. Seriously, I hate when bands do this. I’m paying (in this case $159, plus beers, plus cabs) to hear the band sing, not the audience.

There also were no solos (by either band). It was a night about the hits and seeing two legendary bands in one night. That’s what made this show a success in my eyes.

FYI - Kobra and The Lotus opened up. I hadn’t heard of them. They did a killer cover of “Barracuda” among their six-song set.

Nick Jezierny is a former sports journalist who has worked at newspapers in Ohio (including the Columbus Dispatch), Texas and Idaho. He used to review CDs, too. He now lives in Boise, Idaho, and has to drive to big cities to see bands that routinely pass over Idaho on their way from Salt Lake City to Portland or Seattle.

Here's KISS performing "King of the Night Time World" at the opening show of their 40th Anniversary Tour in Salt Lake City, Utah. Filmed by Keith Leroux for KISSONLINE.

Greg Bartram and Brian Phillips Have Your USA v Belgium Preview

July 1, 2014 Colin Gawel

Click here for previous World Cup coverage from Brian and Greg.

Colin G, 1) To these amateur eyes, Germany at times appeared to be toying with us. Are they that good, did we not play well, or am I just completely wrong?

GB) Well, both on paper and on the pitch, Germany are ranked higher, and have they better team. They played better for longer stretches, but let’s not forget that the US had several fantastic opportunities to score and simply couldn’t close the deal. The US were definitely the more ‘leggy’ team (futbol talk).

The US lost 1-0 to the second-ranked team in the entire tournament, and after sucking wind at the beginning, put together some very strong stretches.

One other thing to keep in mind, as we’ve talked about the distance travelled several times, is that only one team has won their first match after playing in Manaus, the farthest-flung stadium, and the place the US played Portugal, and Germany had a day’s more recovery than the USMNT had. How much does that make a difference? Well, Michael Bradley’s averaging nearly 8 miles run per game. An extra day’s recovery after that would seem to make a difference after that.

BP) I was disappointed we didn't come at them more. If Germany has a weakness it's in the back and the U.S. wasn't as interested in attacking as I had hoped we would be. Germany on the other hand can play it most any way you like. They're Germany, but they can be beaten.

2) On to the knockout round where even my ten year old son is sweating Belgium, "Oh no Dad, we have to play Belgium. They are awesome" I'm not used to hearing awesome and Belgium in the same sentence. What do they bring to the table and more importantly, what language do they speak anyway?

GB) Well, first off…either Flemish (punchlines abound), Dutch, or French.

Now then…Belgium has won all three matches so far, so on paper, they’re firing on all cylinders. For the last match, they made seven changes to the lineup…was it to rest players, was it because there are minor injuries, or was it tactical? We won’t know more until we see their lineup for the match against the USA. They do have an injury or two that may change things.

I cannot think of Belgium without remembering the Monty Python sketch “Prejudice.” It’s on YouTube, y’all…go find it.

BP) Much is being made of Belgium defeating the U.S. 4-2 in a friendly recently. Are you concerned when your NFL team gets throttled in a pre-season game? I suppose, but not that much. This is the playoffs if you will. A different animal entirely.

Belgium has a great young goalkeeper in Thimbaut Courtois and only surrendered one goal in the group stage. That said they are beat up. Captain and central defender Vincent Kompany has a bum groin and may not even be able to go. Defender Thomas Vermaelen (hamstring) is in the same boat. Anthony Vanden Borre (cracked fibula), and Laurent Ciman (abductor strain) have already been ruled out for the match. Belgium will likely have to start a midfielder or two in the back. This is great news for the U.S. With four goals in three group stage matches it's not like Belgium has lit the world on fire. The big question in my mind will be: With all the injuries in the back will they decide to go harder at the goal to get up early? We'll find out.

3) What does team USA need to do to win this game? Who needs to step up and what would spell trouble?

GB) Belgium’s built to be an attacking team. The US defenders will need to be as solid as they’ve been so far, and stay smart about the defensive shape. Michael Bradley needs better touches in the attacking end, because he’s had miscues that have cost shot attempts. He needs to find his game again.

Tim Howard just needs to keep being Tim Howard. That guy stands as the US MVP in my mind.

Jozy Altidore may be back for the US, which will make the tactical lineup interesting. Do you put him up top to start, or stay with similar starters to the last few matches? Do you save him for a late sub if needed to be sure he’s fresh, and give him a tired Belgian defense to go after? I don’t think you start him, because if he’s comeback a bit too soon, you risk using a substitution too early (again).

BP) Attack! An early goal was everything in the Ghana match. We need to force Belgium to come out of their shell a bit. We can't "park the bus" and expect to snipe an odd goal on the counter. The U.S. must take the game to them.

I'm sounding like a broken record here, but midfielder Michael Bradley has to play a whole lot better. The sloppy touches have to stop. The game must flow crispy through him on the attack. It would be nice to at least be able to bring striker Jozy Altadore (hamstring) off the bench. I doubt he has enough to start them game.

4) As tough as our group was, it seems any wins from here out would be icing on the cake. Is that a fair assumption or is this team equipped to make a deeper run? What is a realistic best case scenario?

GB) Pretty clearly, the US beat a Ghana side that outplayed them. They’ve made believers out of themselves and others. Let’s not forget that an awful lot of quality nations are done…Spain and Italy come to mind. Once you’re in the round of 16, anything’s possible.

BP) Many are bothered by only one win in group stage, but calling it the group of death was not hyperbole. The U.S. vanquished their Cup Kryptonite in Ghana, played a hell of a game against Portugal, and it's not like Germany throttled the us. There are many positives. I won't be shocked if we beat Belgium. I won't be shocked if we don't. I like going into a match feeling like the U.S. can make things happen, rather than hoping for luck. The United State's reward should they beat Belgium is a likely quarter final against Argentina. That's probably where it ends.

5) If my son bit somebody during a sporting event I wouldn't complain about the length of his suspension. I thought that sort of behavior get ironed out in pre-school. Should the entire country of Urugruay be put in "time-out" until the World Cup is complete or is the penalty too harsh?

GB) Uruguay are built around Suarez. His on-field talent is undeniable…

…but so is the fact that there’s a mis-wired switch somewhere in that futbol noggin of his. How you do that after already having been suspended twice for it, and do that on the biggest stage in the game is beyond me. I think it’s a crime that nothing was done immediately. Italy gets scored on a minute later, but Uruguay should have been down to 10 players. Uruguay shouldn’t be in the round of 16, so my new 3rd favorite team (behind the US and Costa Rica) is Whoever Plays Uruguay.

Just a few interesting figures in closing…USA-Germany ranked higher online viewing that any Super Bowl Ever. Would it be different if the Super Bowl were played on a Thursday at noon? Of course, but nevertheless, that’s a pretty big number. The network broadcast of USA-Portugal rated higher than any game in the World Series.

The task for US Soccer and MLS now is to find a way to keep some of that momentum for the league here.

BP) The penalty fit the crime. Suarez has been nailed for biting twice before. He likely needs intense psychotherapy.

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