Rock Nation Declares War on ISIS - by Colin G.

In a stirring 25 minute address to the House of Lords, and members of other bands that don't suck, President Dave Grohl formally announced what many in the media had been speculating for days, "We are a tolerant culture. Our tent is big and we welcome people from all religions no matter how crazy. You can worship Jesus Christ, the Prophet Muhammad, King Diamond or all three for that matter.  All we ask, is that when you are in our church, the church of rock n roll, you get your balls to the wall. And maybe purchase a t-shirt or a CD to support the band. At least buy them a beer. But after the recent events in Paris, we have no choice but to look back in anger, and announce that Rock n Roll is formally declaring war in ISIS. Or ISIL. Or Daesh. Or whatever they are called.. "

At that moment, Vice President Lemmy Kilmister suddenly woke up and screamed, "When you shoot up a rock show, you crossed a line. Now it's personal, motherf*%kers." And with that he began firing glass whisky pints into the ceiling fans.

The Reverend Little Richard grabbed the microphone and appealed for calm in the moment. Nevertheless, he supports President Grohl's declaration of war. "No matter what faith you follow, every doctrine knows it's a sin to kill a merch man, baby. Blessed are those who move the gear and sell the swag.  I mean, even the Nazis wouldn't shoot a roadie. You may need him to fix a tank or sell shirts one day.  These heathens need to be stopped. It's time to rip it up!"

President Grohl also stated that the rock nation would waste no time going on the offensive, especially in light of  breaking news that members of ISIS or ISIL or Daesh or Yeesh have begun burning drum sets and saxophones to eliminate rock music from their territory completely.

Senator Neil Peart from the Liberal Wilco party seemed dumbfounded at these allegations, "I can't believe what you're saying, these things they can't be true. Our world could use this beauty, just think what they might do."

House Rep. Ted Nugent of the Ultra-Conservative Altamont party quickly responded: "Professor, they are true." Click here for the story  He continued, "While I am glad President Grohl has finally had the balls to step on his Big Muff and make this declaration, it is way overdue. I have been telling you for years that what is the point of having all these semi-automatic weapons here at home if we are only going to use them to shoot up American movie theaters and American classrooms. We need to take the 2nd amendment Double Live Gonzo for some payback."

Insiders have stated on background that not only is the Rock N Roll Nation planning  to defeat ISIS, but they are looking to stage a huge outdoor metal festival somewhere near Raqqa in the Northern Territories. Secretary of Defense Lars Ulrich added "This is a war for the hearts and minds of these teenagers.You think these ISIS kids are radical now?  And all they have had to motivate them are some old guys reading them WORDS while drinking TEA? Just wait until they HEAR "Number of the Beast" performed live by Iron Maiden at 125 decibels while SMOKING that sweet Afgani hashish. You are going to see some teenagers turn radical for real, and not gentle like before. This time they won't be shooting up the streets of Paris, they will be fighting against their parents, teachers and preachers. They will shout at the devil. They won't be denied their inalienable right to shout it out loud. They will fight for their right to party. They will fight the power. They will not run to the hills. The region will be transformed throughout the power of rock."

Promoters at Clear Channel couldn't be reached for comment but did indicate the festival would be the biggest and loudest metal show ever staged in hostile desert territory and that the Eagles of Death Metal would get a headlining spot.  An insider added, "Well, maybe not headlining, but right before Metallica. Well, maybe not because they aren't really metal but they will get a good slot. At least 40 minutes. And a quick soundcheck. Definitely higher on the bill than those assholes in Megadeath."

General Jack White of the Seven Nation Army expeditionary force has been mum on the military side of the operation but it is widely believed that Colonel Glenn Danzig will be leading the Vinnie Vincent Invasion from the West, while Operation Screaming For Vengeance will move from the North trying to catch the ISIS fighters in a classic pincer movement. It is assumed that the elite "Rock n Roll Professionals" unit led by Sargent Scott Lucas are already on the ground making targeted strikes as if ISIS stole a sticker from the Local H merch table. (shudder) Furthermore, Captain Rudolf Schenker of the Rockwaffe has confirmed that once ISIS or ISIL or Deish or Yeesh or Geesh is defeated, stage, amplifiers and merch would be airlifted in from Berlin to set up for the show tentatively called, "ISIS, What a Bunch of Assholes. Let's Melt Their Faces Together." 

Obviously, this is all in good fun and we here at Pencilstorm send out prayers and thoughts to the Eagles Of Death Metal and all those injured by evil actors the world over, whether it be Paris, Baghdad, Beirut or Syria itself. Let's hope this madness ends sooner than later. 

Colin G. is in the band Watershed and started Pencilstorm because he got bored at his coffee shop. Superior - The Best of Colin Gawel out December 2015. Click here to pre-order.

Track Listing and Pre-Order For "Superior - The Best of Colin Gawel" - Your Support Much Appreciated.

We are now accepting pre-orders for "Superior - The Best of Colin Gawel."

Click here to visit my Kickstarter program to have your autographed copy mailed directly to you this December. Any support is much appreciated. 

It's been in the cards for awhile, but I'm finally getting all my best solo recordings together with a bunch of new tracks for a one-time release. Pre-order and it comes right to your door in December. I cannot promise any other timely way to get your hands on a hard copy at this time, other than coming to a show. So if you want a copy, now is the time to act.

The tentative track listing is as follows:

Profile / Superior / Cold Weather / Dad Can't Help You Now / Words We Say / Chemotherapy / Lonely Bones / Podcast / Best if i Go / AM Boy / Sad Drive / She Rains / See You Tonight (Live) / Half of Me (Live) / Pretty in a Slutty Way (Live) / Think I'm Gonna Make It / Try a Little Faith / Still Love Christmas

It is being released on a nifty foldout CD with lots of groovy artwork (Digital Download Code Too).  It's too much music for a  vinyl release so that is going to have to wait for another day.

The release show is at Woodland's Wednesday Dec 23rd.

Please check it out and help me spread the word. Thanking you in advance, your pal, Colin

Official music video for Colin Gawel's "Superior". The single was released on the EP-CD "Superior" by Mike Landolt's Curry House Records label. More at www.colingawel.com. Video produced by Palestra Creative (www.palestracreative.com).

Can Dalton and Company Cut the Power on J.J. Watt? Kevin A. Has The Answer.

The Bengals went to 8-0 beating the Browns last week.  Is Andy Dalton over his prime time struggles?

Not only do I think Dalton is over it, he's a legitimate MVP candidate to this point.   He's won his last two games in prime time, and I expect this week's game will make it three in a row.   Next week he gets another at Arizona, but there's no shame in losing to the Cardinals if it goes that way.    

The Texans come in with former Browns QB Brian Hoyer, and he's beaten the Bengals before.  Does that make you nervous?

Not really.  Outside of their star WR DeAndre Hopkins, there isn't much there.  They can't run the ball and the OL has been awful.  They will probably try to do a lot of screen passes and hope for a big play or two from Hopkins.  Losing Arian Foster has really hurt them.  Hopkins will make some plays but it won't be enough.  

JJ Watt is one of the best players in the league.  Will the Bengals be up to the task?

The Bengals effectively took Watt out of the game in last years' win over the Texans, and obviously will try the same approach.   The key will be to stay out of 3rd and long, that's where Watts eats. The Texans lead the league in 3rd down defense, so it's important to make gains on the early downs. That being said, it's asking a lot to shut Watt out two times in a row.   Quite frankly it may be impossible.  

You said two weeks ago that Tyler Eifert was one of the biggest differences in the Bengals this year, and he went off on the Browns. How's he going to do this week?

Eifert leads all NFL TE in touchdowns and he's going to be good every week.  If he's not catching the ball  he's making key blocks, but he's also one of the best red zone players in the entire league. Get used to it, the kid is great. The mini-Gronk moniker handed to him isn't that far off.  

So how does the Texans game play out?  What's the prediction this week?

The Bengals should be able to run the ball effectively, and defensively it could be a field day for Carlos Dunlap and Geno Atkins.    These teams on paper simply don't match up, very similarly to the Browns last week.   The Bengals move to a franchise record 9-0.    

Bengals 31, Texans 17.

Y.O.Y.O.Y. Would I be Listening to a Live Version of Y.O.Y.O.Y. - by Colin Gawel

Folks, I'm not going to bullshit you. It's late. I'm tired. You probably are, too. I've cracked a few and I'm trolling through Youtube. It's a simple man's way to forget the Paris blues and unwind for a bit. So for your Saturday night freedom loving pleasure, enjoy this rare live recording of Y.O.Y.O.Y by John Lennon's and Elvis Costello's favorite American band: Cheap Trick. Those that know, will know why this is cool.

Cheap Trick Y.O.Y.O.Y Live Soundcheck. I am not sure exactly when this is from, so any information will be helpful.

Thoughts on Paris by Wal Ozello

How do you find a word stronger than “tragic”?    Because “tragic” seems too inadequate of a word to define what happened in Paris, France on Friday.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims, their families, and the people of France today.  But we need to give them and the rest of the world more than just thoughts and prayers.

Yes. We must hunt down those responsible for these attacks and make them pay for their actions. That’s a given.

But at some point in the near future, we need to give the world more than retribution, we need to give them hope. Hope that this won’t happen again. Hope that we'll never have to construct another memorial to a fallen soldier or innocent civilian.

I could go on for ever about the world’s need to get along. But someone else said better before me, so take a listen to this song. There is hope for a better tomorrow .

Wal Ozello is a science fiction techno-thriller novelist and the author of Assignment 1989 ,  Revolution 1990, and Sacrifice 2086. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and a frequent customer at Colin's Coffee.

Can the Illini Spring the Trap on the Bucks? Baver Answers Colin's Questions

Colin: Illinois has a long history of being a flaming orange pain in the ass and this is the trap game of all trap games. Is there an upset scenario?

Baver: Definitely the biggest trap game of the year. The wind in Memorial Stadium can make life hell on a QB. It’s hard to gauge what you’re going to get from the Illini. They played Iowa, Wisconsin and Nebraska tough, but got rolled by North Carolina and Penn State. Illinois is much tougher at home than they are on the road. I tend to think the Barrett-led Buckeyes get their offense back in gear. If OSU does start slow, Urban may choose to button things up, trusting his defense to get it done. I think we’ll know early in this one whether it will be a blowout or an ugly game where Ohio State simply wants to escape with a win.   

Colin: It is assumed that JTB's return will cure all that ails the offense. Is it really that simple or are we expecting too much?

Baver: It’s not that simple, but his return is going to help this offense leaps and bounds. But the Bucks are still hurting (literally) at WR and the O-line is still not performing up to expectations. We’ll obviously learn a lot more about this offense a week from Saturday when Sparty comes to town.  

Colin: How does this year's defense compare with the great Buckeye defenses of the past 25 years? Top, bottom or middle of the pack?

Baver: I think it’s definitely in the top tier, but it’s still hard to tell how good they really are with the competition they’ve played so far. 6 of OSU’s first 9 opponents rank outside the top-80 in total offense. Talent wise, I think it’s in the top 3 at a minimum. And Bosa is one of the top 2 or 3 defenders I have seen play here.

Colin: Zeke's Heisman door is opening a little wider each week. Is it his to lose now?

Baver: The oddsmakers still have Leonard Fournette and Derrick Henry as the favorites, but it’s tightening up with Zeke continuing to rack up 100+ yds every game. And the Bucks had a tailback win the Heisman in 1955, 1975 and 1995, so Zeke’s gotta keep the 20-year rule alive, right? Of note, teams have stacked the box all year to stop Zeke, yet Bama didn’t sell out at all to stop the run and still held Fournette to 31 yards.

Colin: Speaking of rising stars, Tom Herman is burning bright right now. Forget about open jobs, what are the chances a big school like LSU, Georgia or Texas, decides to make a move and nab him before it's too late?

Baver: I don’t think Miles is going anywhere at LSU but Richt is probably out at year’s end and Charlie Strong is on thin ice. I wasn’t ready to go this far a month ago, but the big time programs are now ready to hire Herman. If Richt is indeed out at year-end, Herman has to be near the top of their candidate list.

Colin: Give us an update on your picks to date and what game and lines will you be watching this weekend?

Baver: I had the #’s wrong last week, but these should be right: 18-8-1 against the spread, including 7-2 ATS on the Ohio State games. I like the Bucks laying the 16 1/2 this week. It’s a trap game but it’s the second lowest Buckeye spread of the year next to Va Tech. I like the Bucks 38-17. I think Minnesota will be out of gas after playing Michigan and Ohio State the last two weeks, so I like Iowa at home laying the 11 1/2 against the Gophers. And I like Stanford -10 at home against Oregon. I usually like the dogs, but I see no underdog that jumps out at me this week.