On Any Given Sunday - by Pete Vogel

NFL Corporate Headquarters, New York City, USA

Dear Stakeholders:

We had a profitable Fourth Quarter but I know there will be ways to make First Quarter 2016 even more profitable than Fourth Quarter 2015.  We have many high-volume television broadcasts that could net a record yield, so we must attack with a ferocity we haven’t seen in awhile.

For instance, this Sunday our New England branch will be hosting a live television event on primetime with our Denver branch, and we expect the match-up to yield high ratings, perhaps the highest since Fourth Quarter 2015 (when the Green Bay branch hosted the Seattle branch).  With the additions/transfers that have taken place in the last couple of years, we think the product(s) on the field will match the expectations of our shareholders and customers in both the New England and Denver markets.  It’s also possible to yield a big return in other markets as well, given the potential product that will be presented Sunday evening.  

We mustn’t forget the New England branch is currently yielding near-perfect numbers, so we think this will definitely boost ratings.  They could be better at third-down percentages and red-zone efficiency, but their win-loss record is still perfect and sales have been exceptional in the New England Main Office (aka. Gillette Field).  I’ve been in touch with both branch managers – Mr. Bellicheck and Mr. Kubiak – and informed them of the lofty expectations from this live television event.  They said we’ll be proud of the product(s) presented on the playing field and both have enforced this sense of urgency with staff and personnel.  We definitely hope our Denver customers in particular will enjoy the live television broadcast that should warrant the highest Nielsen ratings of First Quarter 2016.  Their transfer from our Indianapolis branch, Mr. Peyton Manning, will not be performing tonight, but we can assure this won’t affect our ratings too drastically.  We’ve embraced a new ad campaign within the Creative Services Team: “Can the unproven second stringer take his place amongst the elite?”  We anticipate high numbers indeed, at least until the beginning of the second session of the broadcast.

I’ve contacted Media Central from the National Broadcasting Corporation [NBC] who is hosting the live television event in front of a sold-out stadium audience, and told the Sunday Night Football Media Team to hype this event to draw in the highest Nielsen Ratings possible.  We’ve had numerous meetings with our Live Broadcast Crew and have told them the gravity of this particular event; so far, Mr. Collingsworth and Mr. Michaels have expressed great enthusiasm over the prospects of the event.  They spent an extra couple days looking through the numbers and feel confident this will be an extremely high yield.  I just hope nothing happens to quell this enthusiasm: We all witnessed the unfortunate event that took place on Thanksgiving day, when a customer was able to break free, run onto the field and express a political/moral/religious cause that disrupted our broadcast.  Hopefully nothing will happen in our Denver Branch this Sunday night.  Nothing ruins a live television event more than spontaneous acts of lunacy.  We can’t afford this kind of mishap on Sunday night.

We’ve hired extra police and security details for this Sunday’s event, largely due to the unforeseen tragedy of Paris a few weeks back.  We hope that no such circumstances will curtail our live feed this Sunday.  It’s important that we’re militant in creating a flawless broadcast for our shareholders and customers.

So far the expectation level has been unsurpassed this Quarter, largely due to the fact that the New England branch has had some negative media fallout due to the Fiscal 2015 Playoff Scandal involving the Indianapolis branch.  All expect some blowback from our New England employee, Mr. Tom Brady, who has done a remarkable job of maintaining his poise while under siege.  If this is the game that he comes unhinged, think of what great television we’ll be broadcasting to our customers?  I’m sure our New England customers won’t find this too enjoyable, but I guarantee the rest of the market would LOVE to see this happen!  I’m practically giddy at the prospects!

It’s very important that we treat this game with the same level of importance as the Playoff Television Broadcasts and the Super Bowl Television Broadcasts.  I cannot be more clear about this: if we want to increase marketshare and surpass our 2015 numbers, tonight has to run smoothly on all cylinders: from media relations, player relations, personnel relations, uniform enforcement, broadcast team, all the way down to cameramen, network liaisons and producers.  This is the game to end all games for First Quarter—we must not screw this up.  And if we do, my meeting with Mr. Goodell this Friday will not be a pleasant one.  We could count our Christmas bonuses goodbye if we screw this up.

Yours,

Mr. I.M.A. Patsy

For Columbus: Crew SC On Edge Of Conference Title by Brian Phillips

Here we are, right on the precipice  of the MLS Cup Final! A journey that began March 8th with a loss at Houston may culminate in the Big Match being contested right here in Columbus on December 6th. Here are some things you need to know heading into the Eastern Conference Finals Leg 2 in New Jersey vs Red Bulls Sunday at 7:30 on Fox Sports 1.

What's At Stake

MLS' two-leg playoff system can be a bit confusing. Essentially Crew SC lead a double-length game at the half 2-0. Because road goals are a tie-breaker, shutting out New York last Sunday at MAPFRE was almost as big as winning the match itself. Essentially Red Bulls will have to take game 2 by 3 goals or beat Columbus 2-0 through extra time and take it to a shootout. If Crew SC scores even one goal that may be plenty enough to eliminate New York.

Root for Portland at Dallas (5pm Sunday, ESPN) The Timbers beat FC Dallas 3-1 at home last weekend. If the Oregon side finishes the job a victorious Crew SC will host the MLS Cup Final on December 6th at 4pm. You can buy tickets now and of course if the game is elsewhere your money will be refunded.

Crew Game Plan Works Brilliantly

Last Sunday Crew SC set an MLS record for fastest ever playoff goal with Justin Meram's tally 9 (!) seconds into the match. The early score allowed Columbus to take a more defensive posture than I've seen all season. Red Bulls like to press forward and despite missing defender Gaston Sauro (suspended for yellow card accumulation) Crew SC were able lock down and frustrate the usually able New Yorkers. Kudos to Tyson Wahl, in for Sauro, for playing his best game as a professional when it counted most. I believe Columbus will look to play a similar style Sunday, especially with the big bodied Argentinian Sauro back in the starting 11. Look for an early wave of attacking from Columbus in search of a first half lead and then a more conservative approach to finish.

Front Office Kudos

Players win championships and the Crew SC brain trust has done an outstanding job of making this side better in-season. Not an easy job when you work in Columbus, Ohio. Superstar players like Montreal striker Didier Drogba (signed in July) are not going to be allocated here. Scouting is key and the list of players acquired since the season began is impressive. Harrison Afful (added in late July) is anything but awful. The speedy back teams with fellow wing defender Waylon Francis to push forward and create match-up nightmares in the attack.

Sauro (signed in August) was concussed five minutes into his Crew SC debut, but since his return has given the side a physical presence in the central defense missing since Chad Marshall left for Seattle.

Midfielder Cedrick Mabwati (signed last winter, but on loan to a Spanish club for much of the MLS campaign) has been coming off the bench like a lightning bolt since his arrival, and I guarantee an exhausted Red Bulls defense swallowed hard when he came on late last Sunday. His assist in the 85th was his goal in all but the box score.

And let's not forget striker Jack McInerney (over from Montreal in season). His work against DC in a 5-0 end of season thrashing was huge in that victory to cement the second seed. 

Kei!

Kei Kamara is an awesome physical specimen and at the top of his game. We've seen all the goals, but what impressed me greatly on Sunday was how much he was back helping to shore up the defense. This was especially true when Crew SC were attempting to clear corner kicks. Not all strikers will do the dirty work, but Kamara does Brian McBride style. 

Bottom line? Red Bulls are just too far in the hole to save their season. Dallas at least has a punchers chance with that road goal in their pocket. 

Brian Phillips is the afternoon DJ at the legendary Independent Radio blowtorch WWCD102.5 FM. He also knows a bunch of stuff about a bunch of stuff.

Michigan Week: Baver Answers Colin's Questions b/w Dead Schembechlers "Harbaugh to Hell"

Colin: Ok, the MSU game was a major disappointment and a bit of a mystery for many reasons. Before asking a question about that, I must say that once again Buckeye Nation has disappointed me with their reaction to a 3 point loss to an excellent team. All the whining and finger pointing just make us look like the losers we might be. I realize it wasn't very wise for Zeke to throw the play calling under the bus in his post game rant, BUT, if you listen to it all you realize two things 1) He was hurting because he wasn't given the chance to help his team win. A completely natural reaction considering his track record in the 2nd half of our biggest games and 2) When he spoke to the team about leaving to go pro in the locker room, he was trying to rally the troops that their time together was limited. We need to play hard now. He wasn't trying to downplay the Michigan game, quite the opposite. It was a call to arms for all the guys who may be leaving. Zeke is a heck of a nice kid and an even better football player. He is ALL heart. If Buckeye fans can't handle a little dust up and get his back after all he has done for this football program, they don't deserve players the quality of E. E.  Your take?

Baver: I can’t ever remember a Buckeye player calling out his coaching staff after a loss. And I can’t remember a player announcing prior to the Michigan game that he won’t be back for his senior year. I think Zeke made his own bed and had to lie in it. But it’s time to move on; and you’re right, Zeke’s a good kid. He apologized and he’s certainly handled himself better than I did at his age. 

Colin: Let's start with the question the media were too big of pussies to ask Urban in the post game presser: How does your bellcow running back only get 2 touches in the 2nd half? Urban did answer some questions though including that Zeke was healthy and it was tough conditions to throw.... It doesn't add up. What the hell? 

Baver: If he was healthy, running Zeke only twice in the 2nd half was despicable. And “why?” is the million-dollar question. Even without taking many risks, Beck and company could have mixed it up much better than they did. God, was that painful to watch.

Colin: Joshua Perry said that if this team can't respond to one loss after all the winning they have enjoyed then we are a "phony team". This team has been coasting all year. Can they take it up a notch and win this war in Ann Arbor? Do you think playing on the road may actually help us?

Baver: Playing on the road helping Ohio St actually makes some sense. The booing of the play calling in the ‘Shoe couldn’t be more demoralizing. Josh Perry gets it, but do the other OSU players? Another million-dollar question, and I don’t know the answer. I do think you have some players that are still devastated from the MSU loss. This Ohio St team needs a fast start for once to pick these guys up.

Colin: Last year at this time, we were lighting up scoreboards and our defense was only asked to hold teams under 30 points. It suddenly seems quite the opposite. Can these Silver Bullets win this game all by themselves?

Baver: Could happen. The play of the Buckeye defense will dictate how much the OSU offense will open up the playbook. It may drive Buckeye fans crazy, but I don’t think I would take too many chances with the offense if the Buckeye D is holding Michigan’s offense in check.

Colin: We will ever see another winning run like this by the Ohio State Buckeyes in our lifetime? It's one of the great runs in the history of college football. Do you feel like Ohio State fans appreciate what they have had the pleasure of watching? 

Baver: As long as Urban’s here, the Bucks are going to be winning 10+ gms almost every year. And with four 20+ game winning streaks under his belt, there is little reason to doubt Urban can do it again. But, no….I don’t think most Buckeye fans appreciate the last decade and a half like they should. I have a friend who often says, ”We could have been born Purdue fans.” That line always puts things into perspective for me.

Colin: Can Penn State finally suck it up and knock off Sparty?

Baver: Most Buckeye fans think not, but it’s certainly possible. While Sparty has played their best ball against ranked teams, they’ve struggled against the unranked ones. And Connor Cook is another game time decision. Yeah, they did beat Ohio St without Cook, but the Buckeye defense was out of gas when the Sparty offense finally got in gear. This one might be more interesting than most think.

Colin: Give us an update on your picks to date and other games and lines you will be keeping an eye on this weekend?

Baver: 21-11-1 against the spread, including 9-2 ATS picking Buckeye games. Very tough call on the OSU-UM game and one to stay away from I think, if you are a bettor. I leaned Michigan at one point in the week, but Urban always makes me look silly when I predict a Buckeye loss. I think OSU wins a tight one...gonna go with 24-21 Ohio St. I think you have to like the Nits getting 11 in East Lansing. Big letdown spot for Sparty & they are 2-7 ATS as a favorite this year. And I think the Bedlam spread has climbed too high with the Sooners laying 7. I like Okie State and the points.

The legendary DEAD SCHEMBECHLERS, who this year celebrate their 25th anniversary of skewering MICHIGAN WOLVERINE football in favor of their beloved OHIO STATE BUCKEYES, will release their latest opus, "HARBAUGH TO HELL" on Halloween 2015. The cut can be purchased via iTUNES from the their own FLAMING WOLVERINE DEATH RECORDS.

I Hate Thanksgiving by Wal Ozello

I hate Thanksgiving. Hate it. Loathe it. Despise it.

It started as child when I was forced to watch that annoying Macy’s parade. The inflatable balloons of Snoopy and the Red Baron, Kermit, or Papa Smurf looked miniature plastic figures swimming across my TV screen. The singers who showed up lip syncing to musical tracks while dancing on moving floats seemed like dozens of Milli Vanilli’s in a row. And while a marching band always moves me beyond belief in person, experiencing them miles away on my couch was certainly not as awe inspiring.

I could never get away from the Macy’s Day parade as it was on every channel. (We had only three at the time.)

Later in the day, I was forced to watch football. Born and raised in Cleveland, I rarely saw my Browns play on Thanksgiving Day. I was left to watch some other team lose to the Dallas Cowboys that Thursday. I couldn’t even be justifiably disappointed on Thanksgiving.

I was also forced to eat that awful food. Turkey. Yuk. What other time of year do you cook turkey?  You don’t because it’s a nasty tasting bird. It’s full of tough meat that even the richest gravy can’t elevate to the lusciousness of prime rib or fluffiness of sea bass. Mashed potatoes, even with butter, are the equivalent of eating a thick potato milkshake. No texture. No flavor. Stuffing used to be my favorite, until cooking it within the turkey became the standard. Typically, I starve away the day on Thanksgiving sustaining myself on chips, fresh cut vegetables, and coffee.

Worse, yet, is the abundance of leftovers.  Every Thanksgiving feast I’ve been at has been cooked for twice as many people as are in attendance.  Each guest could go home with their own Tupperware containers of turkey meat and my refrigerator is still stocked with dozens of zip lock bags of turkey.  I’m forced to eat it for the next week.

Last year, my wife finally let me cook the Thanksgiving dinner.  I made Prime Rib, sea salted steamed broccoli, marshmallow crusted sweet potatoes, and butter sautéed mushrooms. Done in less than 90 minutes. Best Thanksgiving meal ever.

I think what annoys me most about Thanksgiving is I’m forced to be thankful. Why do we need a holiday to commemorate thankfulness?  Being grateful shouldn’t be a forced requirement every fourth Thursday in November. As human beings, and especially as Americans, we should be grateful every day of the year. Grateful that when I turn on my faucet, water comes out. That the street I live on is paved. When it gets cold I can turn on the heat and when it gets hot I can cool down with central air. I can buy Star Wars tickets weeks in advance and use free wi-fi just about where ever I go. I can choose to like Donald Trump or I can hate him. And when it comes times to vote… everybody can. It doesn’t matter what genitalia you have or what your skin color is.

We should give thanks every day.

Even though Thanksgiving is my least favor holiday of the year, I’ll be grateful that day. But not because I’m forced to, but because I want to. But when my wife passes me the plate of turkey meat, I’ll politely say, “No, thanks.”

Wal Ozello is a science fiction techno-thriller novelist and the author of Assignment 1989 ,  Revolution 1990, and Sacrifice 2086. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and a frequent customer at Colin's Coffee.

The Dead Schembechlers Are Back with "Harbaugh to Hell." Check it Out. Happy Hate Week!

It's time to forget about foolish things like National Titles and get back to what the season is all about. 

The legendary DEAD SCHEMBECHLERS, who this year celebrate their 25th anniversary of skewering MICHIGAN WOLVERINE football in favor of their beloved OHIO STATE BUCKEYES, will release their latest opus, "HARBAUGH TO HELL" on Halloween 2015. The cut can be purchased via iTUNES from the their own FLAMING WOLVERINE DEATH RECORDS.

Big $ Battles the Browns Bye Week Blues. So Much to Be Sad About.

I want to care, I really, really do    by Big $   follow@northcoastposse

I need to start off by saying that I have spent my entire life supporting each and every Cleveland franchise through thick and thin (and I’m talking “Travis Benjamin’s ankles” thin). As a kid, I was obsessed with the Alex Cole-era Indians. As a grown man, I lived and died with the Joey Graham Cavs. For the life of me though, I am having a near-impossible time finding a reason to care about the Orange-er era Browns. I expect losses and have rid my fantasy team of everything Cleveland (yes, my Browns allegiance has led to some terrible fantasy finishes). Even as my passion fades on the surface, I still know that each Sunday my eyes will be glued to the t.v. (or if in Columbus, my ears to the app). So with that said, I have to drum up some personal investment to keep these 3-hour engagements from being as meaningless as they are disappointing.

So my plan is to exorcise some demons through a rant on who I believe are the “5 J’s” of my Browns frustration, rest during the bye week and come back somewhat refreshed and with a glimmer of interest* in the future of professional football in Cleveland. (*Hope is too lofty a goal.)

With that said, let me embark on what I hope to be a cathartic run down of the 5 J’s. My interest would definitely be fast tracked if any combination of these “J’s” exited the Browns

Johnny: Ok, even I’m sick of how much I dislike this guy. However, any way I slice it, I just don’t like this guy. Off the field, he appears to be an insufferable, spoiled prick who lacks self- awareness. On the field he’s a vertically challenged, riverboat gambler who is not capable of making a read past his 1st option. Teams will be more than happy to give up useless quick slants in man to man, because they know at least once per game Johnny is going to turn the ball over under duress. Once he completes a few, the switch to zone will leave Johnny in the pocket looking like a 2nd grader who lost his parents at Sears. Also, I highly doubt his frail frame will allow him to finish off the end of season run that has his fan base so pumped. The over/under on when a concussion or rib injury sidelines him is two games.

Joe Thomas: I can almost hear the collective gasps as I dare blaspheme in such a manner. I’ve seen the gif’s which highlight his above average pass-blocking skills. When dude is on, he is a technique freak. However, I’ve also witnessed grass stains on his back a whole bunch this year. Joe T. is also a lynch pin of the unit responsible for guiding the Browns run offense. How’s that going? I can’t possibly fathom what value an 8 year OT on the decline adds to a team who is so far away from being competitive. Full disclosure, I’ve been anti–Joe since draft day. It’s my belief that if a team, organization, or company is willing to invest millions of dollars in you, you show up, shake hands, hold up jerseys etc. I thought the fishing excursion was an exercise in smugness. I’m pretty sure Joe could have found time for family trips once his name was on the dotted line.

Jimmy Haslam: I’m no Farmer or Haslam fan, but I find ol’ Jimbo to be the person most responsible for the debacle we are witnessing. It’s he who decided to pair a first time G.M. with a first time coach with the extra bonus being that they had zero rapport. Not only that, these two knuckleheads were surrounded by a bunch of other novices. It shouldn’t take a genius, let alone an owner who spent time with the Steelers organization, to realize this strategy had some serious holes in it. Jimmy is pretty good at being handed valuable things from his daddy and staying rich, not too sure building successful organizations is in his wheelhouse.

Justin Gilbert: Do I really need to elaborate?

Josh Gordon: Ah, the forgotten J. This offense was humming along with a solid hometown boy at the helm, then Cheech came back to town. His talent does not override his distraction. Maybe the Fred Martin Superstore can ink him to a multi-year deal peddling Elantra’s, saving The Browns from being further cursed.

Ok, I feel a bit better. I plan on kicking back and enjoying the bye week as we have OSU/MSU and the Survivor Series (go K.O.) to serve as a distraction to professional football in Cleveland. Plus, Duke Johnson Jr. seems pretty cool.