The Quarantine Blues: Musicians Killing Time In Isolation, A Pencilstorm Series Kickoff - by Jeremy Porter

Spotify Playlist - Listen While You Read!

We’re about two or three weeks into the great self-quarantine of 2020, depending where you live and when your city/state/country decreed a lock-down, if they did at all, and if & how you chose to personally adhere to it. It’s been a shock to our systems, and the whole “system” in general as we adapt to isolation. I’m certain that it’s affecting us each a little differently depending on our individual psyches, situations, and locations. I’m no expert, that’s for sure, but here’s some of what I’ve learned and how I’m coping and adapting.

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While I never felt the coming pandemic was a hoax or a political ploy, I initially brushed it off as something that likely wouldn’t affect me much. I used a phrase I often go to when someone gets uptight about a potentially dangerous situation – “That’s not gonna be what kills me.” Hell, I’ve been through worse – car accidents, serious illnesses, more than a couple sticky situations. I’ve never had a flu shot, rarely get sick, and tend to live for the day. My band drove to Ohio and played a show on March 14th, just as the country was starting to shutter. Never cancel a show. Never.

That Monday morning Michigan was locked down. I watched our governor talk and I stayed focused on the news cycle for the next few days. By mid-week I was suffering from major anxiety and my OCD was out of control. I still felt relatively safe, but we had 22 shows booked for April, May and June. I’d spent endless hours, sent hundreds of emails, spent money on posters & lodging, and endured enough rejection to make a better man quit the music business altogether, but ended up with an impressive spring tour that would take us to several states, some of our favorite rooms, some new ones we were excited about, and with some of our best friends and favorite bands. Everything went from awesome to unknown in a few short days.

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Then, perhaps a bit out of order, the bigger picture hit – people are going to get sick and die. Are my parents taking this seriously? My wife? My bandmates? My co-workers? My neighbors? Is it ok to have band practice or recording sessions? Is it ok to even leave the house? Pretty soon all major sports, concert tours and festivals, and public gatherings of any kind & size were cancelled months out. I still can’t find a roll of toilet paper in this town. This is bigger than any of us thought and I better figure out a way to deal with it.

The first change I made was to drastically limit my news intake. I’ll check the headlines in the morning and watch a little national news in the evening to get the big picture, but I can’t take much more than that. The daily White House press conferences should instill confidence and trust, but they do the opposite. The rest of the news cycle is endless speculation and regurgitated headlines. My anxiety decreased immediately, and I’ve since been able to channel my energy elsewhere.

I started spending a lot more time with my guitar. I’ve never had a problem with writer’s block, but I’ve often had a problem finding the time I’d like to write. Shane MacGowan, paraphrasing Christy Moore, once said that songs are just floating around in the air and all you have to do is pluck them down. I’ve always subscribed to that, and they’ve been raining on me for the last few weeks. It’s been a wonderful distraction and outlet, and I hope a few of them are good enough to share someday.

Left to Right: Lydia Loveless, Vanessa Jean Speckman & Micah Schnabel, Shane Sweeney,. James Hetfield, Ricky Rat.

Left to Right: Lydia Loveless, Vanessa Jean Speckman & Micah Schnabel, Shane Sweeney,. James Hetfield, Ricky Rat.

I’ve also done what I expect many of us musician-types and fans have – started taking in the daily barrage of live streams and iPhone-videos of other musicians playing in their homes. I watched Micah Schnabel & Vanessa Jean Speckman from Frank Turner’s apartment in London the day after the last couple shows of their UK tour were cancelled. I tuned in for Shane Sweeney from his home in Columbus, with a guest appearance by his son. I caught a Lydia Loveless StageIt show from her home in North Carolina, Ben Nichols from Lucero going from room to room in his house playing for an hour on Instagram, Ned Hill from Nashville in his living room in Nashville, and many others. Ricky Rat (Detroit punk icon from The Trash Brats and Dead Boys) does a daily cover-song video that’s been super fun, and every Monday night Metallica is showing a full concert from their archives on YouTube at 8 pm. These Metallica videos look and sound incredible and have given me a newfound respect for the current era of the band. And then I’ve been taking in a whole bunch of friends just posting themselves playing songs by themselves or The Beatles, Tom Waits, Rolling Stones, Lemonheads, John Prine, and each other. It seems never-ending, and in different times perhaps a little annoying even, but right now I just can’t get enough and I want more, more, more.

I’ve even stepped outside of my own comfort zone and done a couple myself. I’m proud to be part of the GTG Records family, a Lansing, Michigan-based indie label, and they’re doing a daily video series called “Staying Home with GTG Records.” My contribution was a solo acoustic cover of “Voices” by Cheap Trick. I’ve got a submission in for the NPR Tiny Desk Concerts that has been posted, and on the last two Saturdays I even did the impromptu selfie-vid thing (an old Soul Asylum song and a Watershed cover) that got me out there a bit. I expect there will be more songs coming out of my own living room soon. It doesn’t beat walking into a venue in another state and bellying up with my pals I only get to see once or twice a year before we play a show together, but it’s all we got, and it’s way better than nothing.

As I work my way through this third week of isolation, save a few trips to the grocery store and a couple walks & runs, I find myself settling into a comfortable routine consisting of working, creating, exercise, and watching and listening to music. There some TV in there too (Tiger King is everything it’s cracked up to be!), and the odd home-improvement project. My wife works in health-care technology and while she’s fortunate to not be on the front-lines in hospitals, she’s working endless hours supporting those people through enabling video visits so they can tend to more patients in less time and stay healthy while doing it. She’s also helping to support the establishment of more beds and surrounding equipment in short time for the growing numbers of sick people in Michigan. I wish she had more time to play, but I’m proud of her and I’m grateful that we can be home together.

I still find myself on the anxiety roller-coaster, but I find peace in knowing that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it other than to do my part not to spread it, and maybe share a little music. If you’re suffering from anxiety, turn off the news. If you’re bored, watch some live music or some not-live music. If you want to help, stay home. Go to the website of your favorite bands and order a record or a shirt, or buy some music from them on Bandcamp. I’m talking about indie bands that need the money - Dave Grohl is a good dude, but you have musicians, artists, and venues in your city that are really hurting. A lot of bars and venues have funds set up to help their employees who are laid off. These are good people I was planning on tipping after a post-show shot after our set next month. If you want to do more still, THIS is a good article about many places that could use some help.

In the coming weeks we’ll be asking other musicians and artists how they’re coping & creating with the isolation and quarantine and sharing their responses here on Pencilstorm.

Do something creative today, stay positive, stay safe and keep up the isolation so we can get back to sharing our art, stories, and lives together again!

xx

Jeremy Porter lives near Detroit and fronts the rock and roll band Jeremy Porter And The Tucos.

www.thetucos.com

Follow them on Facebook to read his road blog about their adventures on the dive-bar circuit.

www.facebook.com/jeremyportermusic

Twitter: @jeremyportermi | Instagram: @onetogive & @jeremyportermusic

www.rockandrollrestrooms.com

My Quarantine Diary 4/2/20 - by Colin Gawel

My Quarantine Diary - by Colin Gawel 


Thursday April 2nd - I started this diary yesterday. Checking back in now. Is this even worth doing? I don’t know. I’m appreciating the sun more than ever these days. I started tearing up a little listening to She’s Got a Problem while serving coffee this morning. R.I.P. Adam Schlesinger. 


Wednesday April 1st - “Dad, is it Saturday or Sunday? Uh, Owen, it’s Wednesday” I think that little exchange sort of sums up what many people are adjusting to right now. First and foremost, I am thankful that at this point all my family and friends are still healthy. That’s what is really important during this time. Or at least what I keep telling myself to ease my mind about finances. 


Ah yes, my old nemesis, money...that’s the second big subject everyone is dealing with. Everyone is feeling it. I’m really lucky that I have the ability to keep Colin’s Coffee open. Sure it’s take-out only, I’m working alone and it’s slow, but it’s way better than nothing. So many of my friends working in restaurants or playing music are completely out of work. Speaking of “way better than nothing,” I just noticed it’s the first of the month, my landlord better get ready to embrace that expression. And yes, I filled out a form yesterday to inquire about the CARES Act. We will see where it goes. I feel bad that my employees are out of work for the next month but at least we have the ability to survive. And nobody who works here has a mortgage, or kids, or any serious bills, so I think they will be okay. Still, I wouldn’t object to a little cash from Big Brother to ease the pain.  I’ll keep you posted on that front. 


Our customers have been great and everyone keeps six feet apart as I constantly spray sanitizer on all the counters and doors. And I know some folks have got to be lonely. Coming down to get a mocha might be their only human interaction all day so I try to be present while they vent a little. If there is anything essential about our service, that is probably it. I hope we can help just a little with some kind words and a pep talk. People have been so kind to us,  I’ve been trying to return the favor and support other local businesses myself, but like most people I have to pick and choose my spots to stay within our family budget. 

Okay, enough of this boring, serious stuff, what fun stuff have I been doing to keep my spirits up?

Well, Tiger King, duh, I think we are all truly in that show together as well. It seems like the entire country is watching. It’s the closest thing to The Beatles on Ed Sullivan I can imagine. It’s been our family watch. One episode left. I also watched Narcos Mexico season two and have been picking away at Breaking Bad. Yes, I’m the one dude who hasn’t seen it. And for laughs Schitts Creek is amazing and I never stop watching Mr. Show and Monty Python.

Speaking of music, I’m no Joe Exotic (but who is?). I challenged myself to record a song while working at the coffee shop. I don’t have a lyric as killer as “You can’t find this taste in the zoo,” but for my first try it turned out pretty good. The main thing is to push perfection aside and keep the brain off the news and in a creative place. Onto the next song.

Click here for Coffee Shop Song #1 - Standing on the Rocks.

My fitness has been sketchy. I’m really a creature of routine, as much as I hate to admit it, and not being able to go to the gym has been a blow. I’ve tried to do some sprints and failed at 25 push-up’s every hour. Mixing in hikes ‘n’ bikes and all that. But still, I haven’t found my stride. Or put another way….lazy.

Owen and I have started the World Series of free throws in our driveway and I’m already down 3-0. Occasionally my rebounding skills are required for his shooting drills as long as I promise to obey rule # 1: DO NOT OFFER ADVICE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER. Trust me, I’ve learned the hard way not to break rule #1. It ends badly.  We have been throwing baseballs every day too. I really like Owen. His work ethic inspires me and he is really funny.

Books I’ve read recently:

Siren Song - My Life in Music by Seymour Stein (wrote a blog about this one); 

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk by Ben Fountain (excellent recommendation from Joe Oestreich);

Listened to Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens. 

Also, my friend Terry Fleming dropped off a couple of big baseball books I have been flipping though.


Ordered: Sonic Warrior: My Life as a Rock N Roll Reprobate by Lou Brutus. This book is going to be amazing. Nobody can tell a story better than Lou and he has a million stories to tell. Click here to view on Amazon

I also watched some old Reds games on YouTube. Seaver’s No Hitter and Game 7 of the 75 and 76 World Series. Johnny Bench was batting SEVENTH against the Yankees during that sweep. What a lineup: Rose / Griffey / Morgan / Perez / Foster / Driessen / Bench / Geronimo / Concepcion. The post-game interviews are classic, too. 

Achtung! Regular FOX Viewers, Trolls and Russian Bots Might Want to Stop Reading Now

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Okay, I’m going to share my thoughts on how this has been handled for those that are interested. I don’t blow up social media with my hot takes so this is my two cents. If this is going to ruin your day I encourage you to stop reading now. It’s really not worth it. You have been warned.....okay…. 3 -2 -1 


The other day I spontaneously spoke words that I never, ever thought I would say: “It’s too bad Mike DeWine isn’t President.” If he was, our country could have been spared countless lives lost, misery and an economy on the brink. In early March, numerous people told me, to my face, this was a “hoax,” “a Democratic hoax,” and/or a “CNN Hoax.” I didn’t argue. I just kept following the real news. You know, the one for smart people: Like Mike DeWine and Dr. Amy Acton. I listened to what experts had to say. And stocked up on cleaning supplies and TP for the coffee shop. Am I surprised how bad this has been? Yes. Am I surprised our country as a whole is where we are right now despite months of warning? Sadly, no. It starts at the top. It’s a botch job. At least now, it’s popular to fight the disease so progress is being made. Better late than never. 

OK, rant over. Stay safe everyone and take care of one another. 







What Makes a Great Album Cover? - by JCE

NOTE: I wrote this piece a while back and never sent it to Pencil Storm. I had done a number of stories with lists, top ten this or top ten that…..it got tiresome so I started writing mostly about shows I went to see, or great records. Well, thanks to COVID-19, I am not getting to any shows anytime soon, so I dusted this one off for your reading pleasure. Comments at the end regarding what you agree with and what you don’t would be greatly appreciated!


Every rock n roll fan loves album artwork, or at least most do. Some may enjoy liner notes or printed lyrics even more, but me, I love the artwork. I always have. I am the same way with my massive collection of vintage skateboards. It’s all about the artwork. Here are some album covers that I think are noteworthy:

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The New York Dolls. I was late to the party with this band, likely due to my age. I discovered punk rock and a whole new world of music starting with The Sex Pistols and The Clash. When I finally wised up to the greatness of the New York Dolls, I found this double album, which was just their first two records packaged together. Love this artwork. Glad I still own this.

Ricki C.’s two cents: JCE has been kind enough to allow me throw in some extraneous thoughts on his picks. He & I have figured out in the course of our long-distance friendship that he’s 11 years younger than me, the same age-gap as my child bride Debbie & I. In the case of The New York Dolls, that 11 year difference is HUGE. I was 21 years old in 1973 when the first Dolls record came out and it quite literally changed my life. I’ve often said - and it’s probably in Pencil Storm somewhere - if it wasn’t for the New York Dolls right at this moment I would have a grey pony-tail halfway down my back, granny glasses on & be listening to Grateful Dead bootlegs. Thankfully I’m not. Here’s photographic proof of that rock & roll transformation from the 1970’s…..

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The Ramones / Road To Ruin. The Ramones debut album cover is iconic, and I love the photo of the band in ripped jeans and leather jackets leaning against a brick wall. Rocket To Russia was good too. But this comic book style cover and the bright yellow logo and the big amps with NYC in the background is just awesome to me.

Ricki’s two cents: The first time I saw The Ramones live was in 1976 or 1977 - I was still drinking then, so it’s a little hazy - at a Columbus, Ohio bar called Cafe Rock & Roll, that three months before had been a grocery store. Best conversion of a retail space EVER.

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The Damned / Damned Damned Damned. This is a classic punk rock record. It was groundbreaking. The song “New Rose” is an amazing single. But I am not here talking about the music, this is about album covers. I don’t quite know what draws me to this one other than the super clean and simple Damned logo and the fact that the photo screams punk attitude to me (I just realized how similar the Ramones record above looks to this one).

Ricki’s two cents: I bought the single of “New Rose” because Nick Lowe produced it - and Nick Lowe was my Number One Rock & Roll Hero at that moment - and because it was on Stiff Records. What more could a West Side boy have asked for? I never had the album. (And still don’t.)

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Minor Threat. This is the debut from legendary D.C. hardcore band Minor Threat. I absolutely love this photograph by Susie Horgan. It was taken during a hardcore show at the Wilson Center, a place I went to several times. Almost everyone thinks the photo is Ian Mackaye, the lead vocalist. In reality, it is his brother Alec asleep on the steps at a Wilson Center show. Alec was not even in the band.

Ricki’s two cents: I never “got” hardcore, probably because I came of rock & roll age in the 1960’s and still needed a little melody mixed in with my love of guitar chaos/noise, hence my affection for Boston’s The Neighborhoods, maybe the greatest blend of punk aggression & pop hooks ever, and the band that is the basis for JCE’s & my friendship.

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The Replacements / Let It Be. Boy, what can you say about this. The photo seems so perfect for the unbelievable music that is on this record. Paul Westerberg’s seeming indifference is priceless. I have seen a ton of photos of this band and this one remains my absolute favorite. I recently read that the initial concept for this record cover was going to be the band stumbling across Abbey Road mimicking the Beatles record of that name.

Ricki’s two cents: Yeah, I love this cover. It’s SO Midwest. Perfect.

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The Clash / London Calling. I saved the best for last. This is my favorite record cover of all, 100%. I remember buying my copy in 1979 and the sheer aggression depicted just got me so amped to play the album. My copy had a little sticker on it that said “The Only Band That Matters.” That is bad ass.

Ricki’s two cents: I may miss Joe Strummer more than any other rocker we’ve lost, and that’s taking into account Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, John Lennon, Johnny Cash & Tom Petty.

I listen to all kinds of rock n roll, including a lot more metal than I care to admit, but when it comes to album artwork, the punks get the nod! - JCE

Coffee Shop Song #1 - Standing on the Rocks - by Colin Gawel

I know everyone is dealing with something right now. “Hard Times” as Ace Frehley once said. Turning off the news and turning on the rock n roll is a time-tested survival strategy that has served me well through the years. I’ve been listening and reading all sorts of things and it’s  been fun to watch the live music streams people have been sharing. Especially during the quiet times at Colin’s Coffee.

With that spirit in mind, I thought it would be fun to try and write and record a song during my down time at the coffee shop. My whole day is sort of a live-stream so this approach had more appeal to me than staring into a camera. Maybe once I get some more coffee shop songs together I could perform them live, but until then, this is the best I can do. Everybody is just doing the best they can. Peace. - Colin Gawel 

Standing on the Rocks    

Written, Performed and Recorded by Colin Gawel March 23-27, 2020 at Colin’s Coffee

Special guest Mr. Roboto on drums, keys and percussion. 

Click here for Standing on the Rocks on Soundcloud.


Pencil Storm & Covid-19, TV Party Tonight! - by Ricki C.

I’ve been asked by publisher Colin Gawel to formulate the official Pencil Storm response to the Covid-19 crisis, so here goes: I’m 67 years old, I’m on my second cardiac pacemaker, I’ve got prostate cancer, so I certainly fall solidly into that High Risk Group we keep hearing so much about, but I happen to not be overly afraid of coronavirus. I’m certainly not going to be stupid: I’ve been washing my hands incessantly; I put my routine 6-month cardiologist appointment back to May because I’m always by far the healthiest person in that particular waiting room; and I’m staying out of crowds. But largely my attitude towards Covid-19 is framed by old blues songs, i.e.: “For (choose one, or two, if you’re feeling extravagant) cheap whiskey/cocaine/evil women/young girls/32.20’s, I’ve got a bad yen / The doctor says it’s gonna kill me, but he won’t say when.”

To put it another way, with historical perspective: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. (And no, I wasn’t around to hear that FDR speech first-hand in 1933. I’m old enough to have seen The Doors and Jimi Hendrix live, but not FDR.) I’m willing to be mindful of Covid-19, but refuse to be afraid of it. I’d rather live one day on my feet than 20 years on my knees. What, you thought you were gonna live forever? Apropos of that, during this Public Health Crisis, try to spread a little good feeling (and cash) around: if you do go out to eat, tip your carry-out person BIG; pay for the order of the person behind you in line; stop in at Colin’s Coffee - or any other small business you frequent - and get coffee & a sandwich to go, etc. (blogger’s note: I have absolutely NO fiduciary interest in Colin’s Coffee, just to eliminate any considerations of bias, profiteering and/or conflict of interest.)

In a larger sense, try to do something nice for the people around you: if there are older people in your community see if you can go to the store for them; find a creative way to take some of the pressure off parents whose kids aren’t able to attend school during the pandemic (for that matter, try to avoid using the word “pandemic” like I just did); if you know of a millennial who actually enjoys the “music” of Imagine Dragons, send them downloads of The MC5, Mott The Hoople and The Dictators to try to bring them to their senses and to inject some class into their lives and their rock & roll.

In closing, let me say this so there’s no questions/accusations of irony later owing to my smart-ass attitude: I fully expect to contract Covid-19 at some point. I also fully expect to survive it and become a better person in the process. Just like Bonnie Franklin and Valerie Bertinelli I’m gonna take this one day at a time. There’s chocolate AND lemon Hostess cupcakes in the pantry; I’m stocked up on peanut butter, Lay’s potato chips, skim milk and Mountain Dew, so all is right with the world. In a few minutes I’m gonna go rev up Ian Hunter’s live album “Welcome To The Club” on the CD player and the Covid-19 virus can go hang. - Ricki C. / 3/19/2020.

And since you’re probably staying home this Saturday night, here’s some medical videos to help pass the time:

(credit where credit is due department: I got the idea for these videos from my friend Rob Husted in a Covid-19 e-mail exchange)

First up, Humble Pie with the 7-inch single edit of this tune, because 3-minute songs are ALWAYS better than 9-minute songs.

(note, full version of this song posted below, guitar solos by later soft-rock wimp Peter Frampton when he was still a ROCKER!)

One more from Humble Pie…..(why were these guys always so feverish but simultaneously felt it necessary to spurn doctors?)..

Great Who tune when they were still a power-pop band, b-side of “Pictures Of Lily.” I’ve loved this song since I was 15 years old…

Absolute BEST media advice I have gotten about Covid-19; wash your hands for 20 seconds, the amount of time it takes to sing the chorus of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene.” Here’s the original, followed by one of my favorite cover versions of any song ever…..

(BTW, my three favorite country songs of all time are this one, “The Race Is On” by George Jones & Johnny Cash’s “Ring Of Fire”)

As his guitar tech I would never hand Colin a guitar as out-of-tune as Jack White’s is here, but he’s STILL great…….

As promised above, the full 9-minute version of “I Don’t Need No Doctor” for the musical masochists amongst us…..

ps. The psychic as well as physical toll the coronavirus crisis has wrought on all of us was brought home to me while I was shaving this morning. I had that New Albany classic rock radio station 101.7 tuned in on my bathroom boombox radio rather than my usual 102.5, because I knew Brian Phillips wouldn’t be entertaining me on the weekend. (Sometimes these days the Trending Topics segment of his Morning Show is the only time I laugh out loud in any given 24-hour period.) Anyway, the first song on 101.7 was Bob Seger’s “Night Moves.” I made it through that, but then we went from the Classic Rock Frying Pan Into The Fire when Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” was the next tune played AND I DIDN’T TURN THE RADIO OFF! It was in that moment I realized the emotional damage Covid-19 has dealt to me these last couple of weeks: anytime I don’t turn off the radio when Bob Seger segues into ANY Led Zep song that isn’t “Good Times Bad Times” or “Communication Breakdown” indicates severe mental distress. My lovely wife Debbie talked me down from going to the emergency room, but I’m calling my doctor Monday morning. - Ricki C. / 3/21/2020.

Yes, One Less is More. MLB Should Eliminate the 6th Inning - by Colin Gawel

MLB should eliminate the 6th inning. Yup, once the 5th inning is complete, two zeros go on the scoreboard in the 6th and the game moves immediately to the 7th inning. Honestly, except for die-hard fans and Pedro Strop, who needs the 6th inning anyway? I bet half the crowd wouldn’t even notice. Personally, I cannot recall of anything memorable that has ever happened in the 6th inning. MLB has been struggling with extended game times, less balls in play and a season that is way too long to hold our attention in the year 2020. So how do they inject some value back into the product? Shorten the games by one inning.

Okay, I can already feel the heat from the Facebook Baseball Discussion & Debate page, but hear me out..

If we can learn to live without the sixth inning the benefits are tangible.

- Let’s start with the most important factor. Revenue stays the same. The schedule remains at 162 games. Beer taps can run until the 8th inning. The owners will never agree to less revenue so this takes that problem off the table.

- Since I started watching the Big Red Machine in 1975, average game times have grown from 2:29 to 3:10 in the year 2019.  That increased length combined with decreased balls in play have made the game pace extremely boring to all but the most psychotic and/or unemployed  fan. This simple change will address the time problem directly.

- By eliminating one inning, the game gets to the drama zone quicker. Or as music fans say, “Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.“ This is especially important in the postseason when games routinely run 4 hours and end after midnight. Meaningless regular season games do not build your brand for the future. Tense 9th inning action in front of as many eyeballs as possible does. The NFL still plays playoff games in the afternoon and has the Super Bowl kick off at 6:40. I guess MLB just knows better despite what the ratings say. 

- And….. no other changes need to be made. Forget the new three batter rule or limited mound trips, both of which DO NOT SHORTEN game length. The game stays the same, we just take out the 6th inning. Even the scoreboards and verbiage stay the same. Nothing needs to change except our mindset. Elevators skip the 13th floor and daylight savings literally moves time. 5pm magically becomes 4pm the next day.  We can name the innings whatever we want. The important part is that the 9th inning is the LAST inning. 

On a personal note, AAA baseball games play seven inning games when a double header is scheduled. I can tell you from first hand experience, a seven inning game has much more excitement than a nine inning game. Pitches and at-bats have way more value. I am not proposing that solution, but I’m telling you, the game feels way better at that length than the current sloth-like pace of MLB games. 

Okay, I can hear you old-timer’s chomping cigars, looking like the banker from Monopoly hitting your fist against the table and sputtering, “BUT WE HAVE TRADITION!!!!”.

Ah yes, the grand old game. The way it used to be. White guys without batting helmets playing World Series games in the afternoon. Back when relief pitchers weren’t forced to face a minimum of three batters. Old school. Yes, we must at all costs protect the integrity and tradition of the game. 

As for it’s impact on the historical record books and statistics, that problem has already been solved thanks to Barry Bonds and the 2018 Houston Astros. At this point, the majority of the numbers are subjective anyway.

Yes, one less is more. Goodbye 6th inning. Don’t let the clubhouse door hit you in the ass on the way out. 

Colin Gawel founded Pencilstorm and wrote this at Colin’s Coffee. He plays in the band Watershed and his solo song “Dad Can’t Help You Now” is a damn fine baseball tune.