Movies I'd Watch In Hell Forever By Wal Ozello

It’s Oscar season when they select the best movies, actors, etc. of the year. But when’s the last time you’ve seen an Oscar movie over and over again? Here’s the metric that I think all movies should be judged by: If you die and go to hell, and are stuck watching the same movie over and over again, what would it be?

That’s how I define a great movie and NONE of this year’s Oscar films fit into that category.

So here it is… I present to you my list of Top Ten Movies I’d Watch In Hell

1) Goodfellas. My college roommates and I had this movie going constantly at our apartment, so hell would be an extension of college for me. The way this story is told is amazing and the visuals are stunning. The Copa scene alone is to die for. I can’t wait for my sons to grow up so I can share this movie with them. Is 14 old enough for them to watch the “you’re so funny” scene?

2) The Godfather. This movie is a work of art. I call it the Sistine Chapel of movies. Coppola was able to turn a basic mob movie into magic. I think of this movie every time I renew my baptismal vows.

3) The Godfather II. I know what you’re thinking now. I just like mob movies. No. This movie is a work of art in its own right. How Coppola juxtaposes Vito’s life with Michael’s is a cinematic editing masterpiece. Every editor and screenplay writer who watches this movie wants to kill themselves because they’ll never be that good. Ever.

4) Shawshank Redemption. I must have seen this movie a million times thanks to TNT and if it was on TV right now I’d watch whatever scene it was. Any movie where some guy can crawl through five miles of shit and make me feel good about it deserves to be in my top ten. You want to feel like there’s hope? Turn on TNT and watch this movie. Perfect movie for living in hell for eternity.

5) The Sixth Sense. Seriously, did ANYONE see the ending coming? I totally pissed myself when that ring hit the floor. This story was beautiful. Get the DVD and watch the deleted scenes. The original ending of the movie makes it even more magical.

6) Rear Window. I first saw this film in a college class. The room was 10 feet by 20 feet and the screen was as wide as one of the walls. It was like I was looking right out of Jimmy Stewart’s window. By the end of the film I had develop three things: claustrophobia, a smoking habit, and a crush on Grace Kelly. If you want to experience this movie the way Hitchcock intended, place your nose inches from your TV screen and don’t move your head from side to side.

7) The Wall. It’s not a music video or a rock concert. It’s a transcendent orgy of music, film, and animation. Every shot of this film is a moving painting of deep rich colors that along with music takes you on the journey of stardom. It’s kind of like the rock star version of Goodfellas, pulling you into the excitement of being a musical king then flipping you to the dark side.

8) Swingers. This movie is so money and it doesn’t even know it. It was shot as an independent film on a shoestring budget. Every character is amazing and each actor nails the part. This is the original bromance movie that all other try to emulate. While I’d watch this forever, the answering machine will always make me feel anxious. I feel for you Mikey.

9) Elf. The beauty of this film is the humor never gets old. I can watch it on December 24th or July 4th and it’s still funny. It’s Will Ferrell’s masterpiece because he’s playing the most human character amongst all of his movies. Next to Shawshank and Goodfellas, it’s the most quoted movie on facebook. (I just made that up, but it sounds true doesn’t it?)

10) Leaving Las Vegas. This is the most depressing and darkest movie that’s ever been made. Period. After you watch it, you want to slit your wrists and bleed all over the living room. But here’s the thing, 5 minutes later the movie actually makes you feel better about yourself. Because no matter how miserable and pathetic your life is, at least you’re not a washed up script writer that’s drinking yourself to death or a prostitute who can only find love in a suicidal drunkard. Hell is like a Sandles Beach vacation compared to this movie. So smile and change the channel to TNT. Shawshank’s on you’ll discover there is some hope in this world.

Now it's your turn. Comment below and let me know what films you'd watch in hell.

Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and graduate of the Ohio State University Photography & Cinema Department.

Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler with Five Obnoxious Super Bowl Predictions

Pencil Storm contributor and recent divorcee Jeff Hassler and I are joining together to make Five Obnoxious Predictions for Super Bowl 48. I'll be laying it out from a Seahawks' perspective, Hassler the Broncos. We will not, however, be watching the game together. The man has many irritating qualities: his love of Bon Jovi, his passive-aggressiveness, his shameless bandwagon-hopping.... (he's a Yankee fan. I need not say more). Seattle's pending World Championship will bring many satisfactions. One of those will be the joy of Hassler being wrong.

My job is easier, I suppose, as America seems to already find my Seahawks.....shall we say, off-putting. That said, having America hate you is way more satisfying than losing. Suck it, Hassler. Oh, that feels good.   

Five Obnoxious Seahawks Predictions

1. Peyton Manning will be sacked at  least four times. He'll be hurried, harried, and flummoxed. He'll throw two interceptions. He'll be seeing Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett in his nightmares.

I Just happen to be filming from our view in 327 when Brees was hit from behind by Cliff Avril and fumbled into the arms of Bennett, who returned it for a 22 yard touchdown! In addition to breaking the crowd noise record, The 12th Man triggered seismic activity again during this play!

2. Russell Wilson will make at least two game changing throws, one for a touchdown, and pick up at least two vital third downs with his legs. He will end the game with a higher QB rating than Peyton Manning and win Super Bowl MVP.

Video from the top of Section 343 of Russell Wilson throwing a 35 yard touchdown pass to Jermaine Kearse on 4th down vs. the San Francisco 49ers at the NFC Championship game at Centurylink Field Sunday January 19, 2014. This made the score 20 - 17 Seattle.

3. Peyton Manning will think he has Demaryius Thomas open for a big gain on third and long. Richard Sherman will have carefully studied hours of film and figured out how to bait the future Hall of Famer into throwing it exactly where he wants it. Sherman will make a leaping pick, return it for a touchdown and then taunt Thomas, Manning, the entire crowd and the billions watching around the world. His jersey sales will spike again. Erin Andrews will make a mental note to ask Sherman about the play immediately after the game.

Who needs shoes? Richard Sherman picks off the Matt Schaub pass and returns it for the score, tying the game 20-20 and sending it into overtime. Original Airdate: Sunday September 29, 2013 (ICE SPORTS) This aired during ICE Weekend Treat 2013-14 season premiere day.

4. The Seahawks gave up 15 punt return yards.... the entire season.... With the Broncos down by three in the fourth quarter teeny tiny Trendon Holliday will make a fatal mistake, deciding against a fair catch inside the 20 on another cloud-level punt by proud Canadian Jon Ryan. Gunner Jeremy Lane will blast Holliday and fifth string wide receiver Ricardo Lockettte will recover his fumble. I will throw my beer in the air, run around the living room, and my family will flee upstairs. (This will have probably happened earlier in the day. Perhaps during the pregame.)

5. Following the Holliday fumble Marshawn Lynch will rumble 18 yards for a game-icing touchdown. Richard Sherman will stand on the bench waving a Super Bowl 48 towel in the air screaming Erin Andrews' name. 

Video from the top of Section 343 of Marshawn Lynch's 40-yard Beast Mode touchdown run vs. the San Francisco 49ers at the NFC Championship game at Centurylink Field Sunday January 19, 2014. This tied the game 10 - 10 and probably caused another "Beast Quake" Video shot on a Sony HX10v digital camera.

Final Score: Seahawks 30 Broncos 20

Five Obnoxious Bronco's Predictions by Jeff Hassler

1) Brian, EVERYBODY loves Payton Manning except you. Not only is he the greatest quarterback of ALL TIME, he is a regular guy, just like you and me. Well, maybe not you, but a regular guy like me. He is the kind of guy who just likes to play video games and knock back a couple Bud lights. Hang out with the fellas. And his little bro Eli.

2) Payton Manning has class, unlike some Seahawks I could name. One time, my ex-wife Kim and I ran into Payton and some of his buddies at a bar in Indianapolis while we were visiting for the Big Ten basketball tournament. He was SO COOL! He bought us jello shots and even let Kim get a picture with her sitting on his lap. And later when i wasn't feeling so great and had to turn in early, (too many shots- long story!) he even gave Kim a lift back to our hotel room. What a guy! She wore a Payton Manning jersey to bed almost every night after that up until our divorce. I wonder if she still wears it now living with Russ.

3) You Seattle fans are even more bitter than Browns fans. You guys always rag on me out at the bars for being a Yankee fan, but at least New York doesn't lose their franchises all the time. Heck, they even stole the Nets from New Jersey. That is because New York City has loyal sports fans, unlike Seattle and Cleveland. Maybe fans from those cities should quit pointing the finger of blame at ownership for losing the Sonics and Browns and realize that if the fans had been willing to support the team with a new arena/stadium the teams may have never left. Sports is a business after all, and I for one don't blame management for trying to maximize their profit, I blame lazy fans for not doing their part to help. 

4) Why can't Richard Sherman act more like Greg Maddux? Seriously, you never saw Greg Maddux screaming down opponents after a big strike out and he is one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Yet, Richard Sherman for some reason feels like he has to shout from the rooftops every time he deflects a pass in the end zone. He is a really good player and  since he went to Stanford I agree he isn't technically a "thug" (though he looks like one), but next time he makes a big play and before he starts running his mouth he should ask himself, "What would the Professor Greg Maddux do?" Just sayin' .

5) Sherman won't  get the chance to run his mouth this week because Wes Welker is going to SCHOOL him. Payton Manning and Wes Welker are going to light up the Seahawks defense and give them a big dose of Bronco's humble pie. Manning and Welker aren't just going to win because of precise route running, sure hands and intelligent play calling. No, they are going to win because something much more important than strategy: it called "CLASS." Those two play the game the way it is supposed to be played, like the great Johnny Unitas. In my book, CLASS is way more important than 40 yd. times or Pro Bowl recognition. How many rings did Randy Moss win? Exactly.

Sorry Brian, Broncos 37    Seahawks 16     Manning and Welker are co - MVPs

Jeff can reached at jeffwonthassleryou@gmail.com. Learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here.

Mike Parks - Guitar Slinger by Ricki C.

(We’re interrupting Ricki’s three-part series – The Perfect Age For Rock & Roll – for this time-sensitive entry.
The Perfect Age For Rock & Roll will conclude later this week.  Click here to check out part one  & part two )

Today is Mike Parks’ birthday.  I’m not sure exactly how old he is, but he’s older than Mumford & Sons and too young for Social Security & Medicare.

I thought I first met Mike when I joined the road crew of Willie Phoenix & The True Soul Rockers in 1990, but after Mike and I got to talking one night at a gig and discovered our shared West Side roots, it turned out we had actually met – though fleetingly – 20 years earlier when I was a senior at Bishop Ready High School.  

The band Mike was in at that point – The Tree (which later went through various permutations and ended up as Pure Prairie League of “Amie” fame) – played a dance at Bishop Ready and my Catholic nerd rock & roll friends and I put together a “light show” to accompany the appearance.  (Said light show was cobbled together from oils made with colored Jell-O and overhead projectors from the Bishop Ready audio-visual lab.  I think Life Magazine had run an article on “hippie culture” that week and provided a tutorial.)

The members of The Tree – including, I believe, longtime Parks friend & bandmate Phil Stokes – were drawn from that most dangerous of 1960’s subcultures: Greasers Who Took Acid.  Laid-back run-of-the-mill hippie types who did acid were problematic enough when bad trips got into the mix, but Mike’s particular band of brethren – working-class toughs who had formerly beaten up on longhairs before they discovered the pharmaceutical joys & benefits of the late 60’s – were a particularly volatile mix.  (Think, those clearly whacked-out-of-their-skulls bikers at the side of and ON the stage in the Rolling Stones “Gimme Shelter.”)

Anyway, The Tree sauntered into our Bishop Ready high-school gym like gunslingers: arrayed in a mix of boots, blue jeans & black leather jackets, topped off with the longest hair we had ever seen close up.  They looked, and moved, more like a gang than they did a band.  My friends and I were afraid to even speak to them.  After the dance, Mike came up to us in the gym at our pathetic little audio-visual station and said, “Hey, cool lights.”  We couldn’t have been prouder, but were struck so dumb by Mike’s acknowledgment of our existence that I think only one of us managed to stammer out, “Th-th-thanks.”  Mike just turned and walked off in a haze of badass guitar slinger cool.  (Somewhere around that time, Mike lived in the house The MC5 maintained at 1510 Hill Street in Ann Arbor, Michigan, FOR TWO WEEKS before the communal-living residents figured out that no one in the house knew Mike and that he didn’t belong there.)

By time we met up again 20 years later, Mike had become one of the five best lead guitarists I have ever seen in Columbus, Ohio.  (Actually, we later discovered I had seen him one other time in the intervening years, when I was writing for Focus magazine and reviewed Brownsville Station in 1978, a show Mike’s then-current band – Shakedown - opened.)  (Right around there Mike also served time in The Godz, see photo below.)  Mike’s white-hot guitar style was especially cool when he played alongside Willie Phoenix – no slouch of a lead player himself – in The True Soul Rockers.  Mike’s straight-ahead solid-rock lead guitar attack contrasted and dovetailed with Willie’s more idiosyncratic playing to killer effect in The Rockers: having Mike & Willie onstage together was like employing Duane Allman & Richard Thompson in the same band, no small musical feat and treat.  (Sadly, there is not one bit of recorded evidence of the dual-lead guitar fireworks Mike & Willie deployed nightly.  Tragic.)   

One of the things I love about Mike is that he doesn’t just PLAY rock & roll, he actually THINKS about rock & roll, has IDEAS about rock & roll.  One of those ideas about rock & roll brought about his and my biggest dust-up ever.  By their natures, guitar heroes and roadies are gonna run into problems.  One night at Ruby Tuesday’s when Willie gave me the song list for the first set I had the bright idea that I would line the guitars up in the order Willie & Mike were going to use them, so it would be easier for me to hand them up to the stage between songs.  We didn’t have a guitar rack in the True Soul Rockers, just individual guitar stands.  More to the point, we had EIGHT OR NINE individual guitar stands between Willie and Mike, some with guitars in alternate tunings.    

As I was sorting out various Fenders & Gibsons, Mike walked up, watched for a minute and said, “What are you doing?”  “I’m arranging the guitars in the order you’re gonna use them,” I replied.  Mike was quiet for a coupla beats, then said, “You can’t do that.  It’s not very rock & roll.”  “I don’t care if it’s rock & roll or not,” I said, with an edge in my voice, “I’m juggling eight or nine guitars here and it makes things simpler.”  “It’s still not rock & roll, though,” Mike said, “I’m taking all my guitars onstage with me.  I don’t want you handling them anymore.”  I watched incredulously as Mike made six trips back & forth to haul all of his guitars up on the stage.  It was the only time in my roadie existence that I ever wished for a guitarist to break a string, so that I could refuse to help.

Mike and I got along ever so much better when I wrangled guitars for The League Bowlers – Colin’s offshoot covers band when Joe Oestreich first moved away and Watershed was on hiatus – and we could use Watershed’s guitar rack.  Again, Mike’s endlessly inventive lead guitar style – imagine Chuck Berry if Chuck had ever deigned to PRACTICE the guitar after 1957, or picture the bastard mutant offspring of Keith Richards & Wayne Kramer – was set off perfectly against Colin’s Cheap Trick-inspired stylings.  Mike’s playing in the Bowlers really was quite stunning.  He could play anything Colin tossed at him – from Gawel/Oestreich originals to Tom Petty to George Jones to Georgia Satellites to Dwight Yoakam – and, on top of that, Mike could play ALL NIGHT LONG without repeating a lick.  I’m pretty sure I saw, from my roadie station at the side of the stage, every show the latter-day incarnation of The League Bowlers played and I don’t think I ever saw Mike play the same solo twice.  (For a full eyewitness account of the last night of The League Bowlers when they imploded and broke up ONSTAGE at the old Thirsty Ear in 2008, check out Growing Old With Rock & Roll, The Friday Night Massacre, August 1st, 2012.)    

Happy birthday, Mike, it’d be great to see you on a stage again sometime.  – Ricki C. / January 25th, 2014

Mike (extreme left) in Shakedown, mid-1970's.

Mike (second from left) in The Godz, late 1970's.

Note: I am frankly amazed that Mike was not pistol-whipped by Eric Moore (extreme left)

for showing up at a Godz performance in this outfit.

Mike (extreme left) in The True Soul Rockers, 1992.

Let’s Stop Shooting Each Other by Wal Ozello

I get gun ownership. I've got lots of friends who hunt that like to go out and shoot deer and other animals in the woods. I don’t want to stop people from doing that.

I kind of get owning guns as a hobby and going to a shooting range to shoot targets and things. I don’t totally understand it, but I’m sure those people don’t totally get why I wake up at 6am every morning and go to Colin’s Coffee to write my novels.  So while you wouldn’t catch me at the local shooting range, I support others having the right to shoot at target ranges.

Here’s what I don’t get. Why the hell can’t we all agree with keeping guns away from people who want to shoot people?

Seriously, if I had the potential to beat someone over the head with my laptop and aimless murder the guy that just ordered the cappuccino latte, then by all means someone stop me from owning a laptop! 

It’s getting to the point that I don’t want to go anywhere at the risk of getting shot. I’m scared shitless that some wacko is going to shoot the shit out my kids’ school, too.  And for heaven’s sake, I don’t want any of you walking around with a gun, fantasying that you’re some vigilante who’s going to stop the next James Holmes that pops out of a doorway.

I want to live peacefully. And I’d like my family and friends to do the same. At some point, my rights to live have to supersede the Second Amendment. At some point, my pursuit of happiness has to out rank the right to own a gun.

Folks, this is getting out of control. It seems like every day I go onto Yahoo! and read about the latest shooting someone. Remember when Columbine was a shocking tragedy? Three dead in a Maryland mall doesn’t seem like big news anymore – and that’s a problem!

So let’s try this – you put away your NRA card and I’ll shelf my ACLU card. Let’s meet at a table to talk and start with what this country was really founded on – the chance for a better life. Maybe then we can have a rational discussion on how we keep people from shooting each other.

In the meantime, please say a prayer for the families that lost some one in Maryland last weekend, when all they did was go shopping.

{C}{C}{C}{C}Wal Ozello is the author of Assignment 1989: The Time Travel Wars and is the lead singer of the Columbus hairband Armada. He's a resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio and a frequent customer at Colin's Coffee.

Colin's Coffee Invites You to Support a Local Business One Day a Month on "Pay the Rent" Saturday.

Announcing a new world wide movement: "Pay The Rent Saturdays!"

A plan to support local business beginning Saturday January 25th!

Okay people, I'm not going to bullshit you: things get a little tight around the coffee shop this time of year. More so, there is this guy called "the landlord" and this thing called "the rent" and together they can be a real drag. It seems like almost every month he is all, "Yo, give me some money" and I'm like, "Dude...I ain't got that kind of scratch handy."  So I need some friends to come in and buy a drink or a sandwich and help us "Pay the Rent".

We all know that buying local is much better for the planet, economy, and our collective well-being but let's face it, who hasn't sat in a drive-through burning gas just to get one sweet taste of Starbuck's overpriced Beelzebub blend? I know I have. Say what you want about The Devil or McDonald's, but if they know one thing it's location,location,location!

It's not like I'm are asking for a huge favor. We have great coffee, mocha, lattés and all that jazz that you can get at all the big places. Don't like coffee? No problem: we've got hot chocolate, breakfast sandwiches, grilled cheese & tomato soup, etc. And free WIFI. Come hang out. Study. Stalk your ex on Facebook, perhaps? Good times.

"But I really like the big corporate chain stores," you say?

Once again, no problem. Here at Colin's Coffee, we aim to please. On "Pay The Rent Saturday", we will have a jar out where you can just give us money and you do not have to order anything. You can support local business and then walk across our parking lot, choke down some crappy McYuks swill and still feel good about yourself. It's a win-win!

                                                                     One Day a Month!

In all seriousness, I stare out the windows of Colin's Coffee every single morning and watch the McDonald's drive-through line overflow down the street. And I get it. That's just how it is. People are busy and while we all agree "buying local" is the right thing to do, it just isn't always convenient or affordable. So here is what I propose: just one day a month - the last Saturday - go and patronize a local business, Colin's Coffee or whomever. Try a small local restaurant, or grocery store, or record store or bar. Or go see a band or whatever. Go to the Clarmont. Oh wait, too late, it's gone. Everybody misses the local place when they read about them closing in the paper/online but the best time to miss them is while they are still in need of your business. Pay that place a visit one day a month.

Write it in your calendar and plan in advance, like researching a local vacation. The last Saturday of every month is when you give the little guy a shot. We're just asking for 12 days out of 365. Not only will it improve your community, I guarantee you will be glad you tried it. Thanks for reading this and if you agree, please pass along the movement. Also, share some local places you recommend  for "Pay the Rent Saturday". Personally, I see Dirty Frank's Hot Dogs in my future. - Colin

Colin Gawel is best known as the founder of the worldwide, "Pay the Rent" movement. Additionally, he plays in Watershed, The Lonely Bones, and once ranked every single Cheap Trick song in a 29 page essay. He is a husband, father, songwriter, fantasy baseball player and Pencilstorm contributor. He moonlights as a coffee shop owner. colingawel.com 

Your Dog Isn't Your Kid by Johnny DiLoretto

Your dog is not your kid. Don’t say you love your dog like it’s your kid. People who  say that sound… well, like an emotionally stunted idiot.

Let me tell you why. Firstly, you don’t have sex with a dog in order to get pregnant with a dog. Two, forget screwing a dog, you don’t actually ever lug around a dog fetus inside of you, letting it stew in there for a good 9 months.  And, this one goes without saying, but you never actually bear down and squeeze a cute little sopping wet puppy out of your cha-cha parts.

Furthermore, one doesn't birth just one dog. One births a litter, and even if you did birth a litter of pups you’d be forced to let them duke it out over your two tits. Don’t forget you only have two tits. To truly love a dog like your own child you’d need at least 8 to 10 tits.

So, the very idea that you love your dog like it’s your own child is flawed reasoning from the start…

But, for argument’s sake, let’s say you just acquire a dog the normal way and now you love it like it’s your kid.

Here’s the number one reason why that’s a monumentally stupid thing to say:

Because having a child is a constant reminder that you’re going to die one day and that the only thing left of you is going to be tied up in this little person who holds in their delicate grasp all your hopes, dreams, and fears. Your child is the as-yet unscrewed up miniature version of you that will carry your legacy into the future.  

You will pour everything you have – emotionally, spiritually, financially – into this person. You will watch them learn to walk, you will help them acquire the gift of speech, you will, hopefully, even teach them how to urinate and defecate into a toilet. 

Having a child is to walk through the world with the constant fear that harm might befall him, a perpetual nagging doubt that you haven’t equipped her well enough with the emotional and psychological tools to contend with other human beings; that he or she won’t measure up, that they won’t succeed, that they’ll have their hearts broken or their spirits crushed. These are fears that plague you deep in your soul. It just doesn’t hit you quite that deep when your dog gets nipped at for sniffing the wrong ass.

I know  --- I know --- people are disappointing and it’s easier to love a dog. It’s easier to love an animal that loses its shit when you get home. That’s mainly because you can’t leave a kid in a kennel all day while you’re working.

And, I know, I know --- dogs help people get through some terrible times. Dogs are wondrous creatures that have evolved alongside of humans over the last 10,000 years to provide people with protection and companionship. These animals, it’s hard to believe were once all wolves. But you’d think after 10,000 years they might be able to say something, a word at least - a “hello” or “thank you” even. Let’s face it, these are limited creatures that have been given every opportunity to grow and learn and tail wagging and leg humping are still their primary modes of expression.

But, let's move on. Don’t say you love your dog like it’s your own child because it only points up your emotional inadequacy. Grow the F up. People are hard. People will fucking let you down. Some of them want to use you, some of them want to abuse you, some of them, god only knows, want to be used by you. (Thank you Annie Lennox.) But dogs are not children. They are companions. And you should love them as such. 

The bottom line here is that we live in a world now where people just say crazy, over-the-top shit and everyone is supposed to validate everyone else’s feelings no matter how juvenile or asinine the crazy shit they say is.

It’s like having to pretend the fibromyalgia is really anything but the result of eating too many trans fats and sitting around on your ass all day.

Now, it’s okay, if you have kids, to say that you’re dog is part of the family. That’s acceptable. But it’s as freakishly annoying to treat you’re dog as your child as it would be for someone to treat their child as a dog.

Which reminds me, I gotta get home to let my kid out so he can shit in the yard.

Johnny DiLoretto is a father, husband, movie guy, comedy guy, writer, radio / television personality and  a huge Dean Martin fan. He writes stuff for Pencilstorm too.